Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 24/01/2020 14:56

DH was donor-conceived and has absolutely zilch interest in seeking out the sperm donor, which I find mildly curious but entirely his choice

It's really common for people to not want to know biological parents that didn't bring them up. It sometimes doesn't seem that way as those who do feel the need tend to be more vocal but it really isn't unusual at all.

My adopted mum has never had any interest, she already had parents, nor does my friend's eldest in her 'bio-dad', she has a dad already. Both have, however, been hurt/annoyed by thoughtless people who insist they should want to know or that they are somehow lacking if they don't. It's very rude, but sadly a very common assumption.

cavabiensepasser · 24/01/2020 14:57

First, I'd ensure my assets and my children's inheritance are watertight and protected.

Then, and only then, would I consider whether or not to stay with the man.

Cookit · 24/01/2020 15:01

I wouldn’t count it as deceit and I wouldn’t consider ending my marriage ... BUT ... I would be very, very sad. Our only children are together and a blended family and the complications of that are never something I needed to consider (or wanted to consider). Suddenly my DH would have other children. He wouldn’t have been a father to them but he would have more biological children than just mine and we wouldn’t be the same exclusive unit anymore.

susandelgado · 24/01/2020 15:21

My dd is 30 this year. I had ivf with donor sperm to conceive her. We were told not to tell her about this , but I had to eventually as my husband was a very bad father to her out of jealousy and she grew to hate him. I had to leave him in the end. She was so relieved to find out that he was not her biological father.
My dd has been agonising about taking a dna test. She has several health problems and would like to know her medical history. But she also sees it as a bit of a minefield and has been hesitant because of this Sad

Sparkle567 · 24/01/2020 15:28

Honestly it would be a complete deal breaker. He knew he might have children out there somewhere and never mentioned it and now bam ones popped up with their own children and now might just become part of my life and I would be expected to accept this new step child and step grandchild just like a new Tesco opening. Nope.

I agree. Total deal breaker for me. He would be told it’s a choice of welcoming you and I’d leave him or having 0 contact with you again and we carry on with our life’s.

OVienna · 24/01/2020 15:38

susandelgado
Do you have the option of writing to the clinic and asking for updated medical information from the donor? What do her doctors think the benefits would be from connecting with a birth parent, from the point of view of next steps? On 23andme you can do health tests, for example, which do not also connect you to birth relatives. I am sure there are other DNA routes too which are not connected to commercial sites where she could get the medical info. The thing is, if she does do DNA and finds him he could well refuse to engage. So, you need a plan B anyway if more information about health is important to her.

Since the relationship with the father she grew up with broke down, I would really encourage her to get some counselling before she embarks on this.

ClappyFlappy · 24/01/2020 16:11

I agree. Total deal breaker for me. He would be told it’s a choice of welcoming you and I’d leave him or having 0 contact with you again and we carry on with our life’s

Yes this. If there was medical info you required fair enough to provide that but beyond that I reckon I’d be issuing a similar ultimatum. I appreciate how you were conceived is not your fault OP and your desire to know but neither would it be mine or my children’s fault. I’ve just got no desire whatsoever to have any more children in our family unit.

susandelgado · 24/01/2020 16:24

OVienna, thank you for your answer! I will try the clinic first. My dd has MH issues so this is not an easy thing for her 😐 I'd love to think that her sperm donor had altruistic motives, but reading this post that seems unlikely! The only bit of info that I had, was that he was a medical student .

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 16:33

So those of you who'd make your OH's choose between you and the donor "child" - do you just not really care of the effect it could have on a person being rejected like that?

Like I say I am not especially bothered but there are many donor conceived who are and their feeling are no less valid than a partner's.

I have no intention of allowing my biological father to "put me first" above his children (whatever that means in practical terms, I'm not entirely sure what situation would have a man put his adult children "second"). But a bit of contact, family history, and questions answered wouldn't go amiss and wouldn't in any way, shape or form impact his children or wife negatively. I understand meeting up would impact everyone - if it ever came to that. But I'm a bit surprised that people think this would make him "less" of a father or husband to his current family.

OP posts:
Wattagoose90 · 24/01/2020 16:34

I'd be furious if my DH had failed to mention this at all to me. To be married for years and then just have it sprung on - I don't think the act of donating would be an issue but the failing to mention it would be huge.

If you knew, you could mentally prepare yourself for the "what if" scenario of someone knocking on the door. To then be faced with an adult child and her other half wanting to have a family like relationship out of the blue, I'd hit the roof. Not with the resulting child but with the DH.

I'd hope that at the moment she's just taking her anger out on him and it's a knee jerk reaction. I imagine that if she met you and realised that you weren't looking for another dad, she'd probably be much more open to the whole scenario. Bit of a shock to the system though!

Good luck with the situation. I'm following with interest.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 16:35

I do have empathy for his wife and the shock it must have been - I never said it wouldn't affect her like some posters are claiming, but I just don't think she should have the final say on wether he begins any sort of relationship or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 16:37

I want to stress again that I actually found my paternal aunty months ago but only reached out when I wanted to know medical information, he has pushed the idea of some sort of relationship. I made it clear I have no expectations but he wanted to see where the contact went. Which was fine by me, so it is a bit of a blow to know the rug may be pulled out from under it all of a sudden

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 16:38

*found the name of my paternal aunty

OP posts:
undead · 24/01/2020 16:39

It would be ok. I have thought about egg donation but I don't think they would accept me because of life long health condition.

SimonJT · 24/01/2020 16:47

I’d be very happy he had enabled someone to become a parent and for a much loved child to be born.

I would however be a bit sad as even if we wanted to (we don’t) having a child together is impossible so there would be a tinge of sadness that we weren’t raising a mini version of him.

Nomorelaundry · 24/01/2020 16:57

Honestly no I wouldn't care. They aren't my husbands child. They have parents. I'd be furious he ever did it in the first place because I am against such things in the first place. But my number one priority would be my life and my children.

nokidshere · 24/01/2020 16:58

I want to stress again that I actually found my paternal aunty months ago but only reached out when I wanted to know medical information

Surely that would be provided by the clinic that handled the donation? All donated eggs/sperm would have been required to do a comprehensive medical form at the time?

I would be hesitant too if DH dropped this bombshell on me.

WhiteCat1704 · 24/01/2020 16:59

I would be furious he reached out to you and made this decision unilaterally.
Don't know if I would issue an ultimatum but would definitely question my relationship and marriage.

I think she is 100% entitled to have a say and it IS her place to affect his decision on having contact with you.

ClappyFlappy · 24/01/2020 17:01

do you just not really care of the effect it could have on a person being rejected like that?

Not really, no. I”d be more concerned about the impact on me and my kids. Sorry if that’s harsh but you’d just be a random stranger to me.

AllHeart1 · 24/01/2020 17:07

But this is about so much more than the potential of biological children tracing the donor in the future. It’s about your own children not knowing that they have half siblings out there or even knowing they have half siblings out there who they may never know anything about, or who they might even encounter out there in the real world without their knowledge.

When a person donates eggs or sperm the repercussions are about so much more than this apparent gift of enabling someone to have a child. The impact is IMO far more negative than positive because there are potentially so many more people who will be negatively affected by it.

It would be a deal breaker for me because of the deceit not because of the potential child who might enter the mix. But if I found out that my father had been a sperm donor and I had half siblings out there I’m not sure I could get past that, even if I’d known growing up.

Arthritica · 24/01/2020 17:20

First of all, OP, I hope your child is ok Flowers

I can’t believe the reactions here - I wouldn’t give a stuff whether DH had been a donor and it certainly wouldn’t occur to me he ought to disclose it like it was a bad thing.

Yes, I’d feel a bit funny if a 30yo turned up at the house saying “surprise” but in your circumstances? I would be interested to see you, see any resemblance to my own children.

He wouldn’t be your Dad, you have a father. He’d just be part of your genetic heritage.

I wish you a kind and supportive resolution to this whole thing.

Here1111 · 24/01/2020 17:25

Health wise cant you get a genetic test anyway? Id be so upset if i was contacted. Its supposed to be anonymous. Take up your issue with your parent(s) that went that route. You have opened a massive can of worms with your detective work. His poor wife 😞

Sparkle567 · 24/01/2020 17:25

do you just not really care of the effect it could have on a person being rejected like that?

No, I wouldn’t care if you felt rejected. Your not my family. I’m going to look out for myself and my children.
Why should I care about the effect it would have on a total stranger above my family.

Of course the wife gets a say, considering they have grown up children I presume they have been married a long time. Why should her life be turned upside down because of you.

Barbie222 · 24/01/2020 17:29

I think I'd be a bit reluctant to let you into the family tbh. From the outside, it does look as if you have an agenda and I'd only be looking for a polite low contact kind of thing, hoping the interest in you would fizzle out after a month or two. To be brutally honest, he's likely to choose her over you when push comes to shove, so I'd probably not invest too much in it from your side.

1FootInTheRave · 24/01/2020 17:41

I'd be livid.

Bet there's a lot of worried men now these dna sites are increasing in popularity.