To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

To clarify, id be livid at the contact, not the donation.

The decision to donate was based on anonymity.

When I was at University many years ago a few male friends donated sperm. I suspect they never gave it any thought after that. Certainly not enough of an issue to disclose to any new partners. And if my husband had (I don't know, I never asked him) I would be stunned but would be compassionate to the donor conceived child, and supportive of my husband. In fact I would be more angry with him if he did NOT want to meet his child, I would consider it a moral obligation.

I do know a situation where this has happened and caused trouble in a marriage, but only because the wife had struggled for years to conceive unsuccessfully and it was a kick in the teeth to find out her husband actually did have a child, something she could not have. So that was messy. But hopefully a rare occurance? When donation was anonymous I suspect men never gave it another moments thought.

Why do some of you assume that your children would be horrified to have half siblings? I know a woman who met a previously unknown half-sister as an adult. She and her siblings loved meeting her and said they spent ages gazing at their half-sibling and recognising similarities.

No, I think this is more about protecting your own feelings. I’m horrified that so many of you would issue an ultimatum to your partner. Some children just want to meet their donor once to see what they look like, hear their voice, and have a few questions answered. That wouldn’t destroy your family, but your cruel ultimatum might.

Some of you didn't actually read the OP's posts properly. She didn't get in touch with her biological father, he got in touch with her.

@nokidshere. There is negligible testing - and I can’t imagine much was fine pre 1991 as donor conception was cloaked in secrecy. Most of the medical records are cloaked in secrecy. Also donors tend to donate young and don’t know their subsequent medical history.
Certainly our donor was not told to update (and he later had cancer and Imas yet undiscovered auto immune is/uses)

@HaleyJamesScott

So those of you who'd make your OH's choose between you and the donor "child" - do you just not really care of the effect it could have on a person being rejected like that?

I wouldn't make him choose. The complications this situation bring of an outside family member with a bit of contact, a relationship, my children is exactly why I didn't marry a man with children.

If he "chose" me and our children, I wouldn't be able to respect him for having a child or children out there whose life he is not a part of. That's not the character of the man I married.

If he "chose" you and to have a relationship, it would impact me and my family. Our exclusive unit would no longer exist, I have acquired a stepchild. I do not want a blended family. Your relationship may be great or not so great but it's drama I did not sign up for.

We would be at an impasse. The only logical thing would be to separate as I honestly wouldn't be happy either way. That has nothing to do with the child. Their father or donor should not reject them, him doing that wouldn't sit right with me.

If he had just told me he had done this when we met. When I considered the risk that this might be a possibility, I would never have married him. I am consistent on that even if it were a child from a previous relationship. My personal experiences have coloured my view of blended family situations and I want no part of it.

The thing is, if a man had sex with other women before he married there is always a chance a child is going to knock on your door.

I find the idea that you'd divorce your husband because he has a child he didn't know about absolutely bizarre

A ONS baby is completely different. I wouldn't be happy but that child has two parents and would be my husbands problem.

A donor child isn't either of those things.

If it was a licenced clinic I'd be fine as there are protections in place. It would be his choice of what to do if a sperm donor child got in contact, but I would expect him to discuss this with me in that eventuality.

However due to the discrimination against gay couples there was a lot of unlicenced sperm donation happening a while ago and then there are no protections against child support claims etc. I'd want a partner to tell me about that.

@Barbie222 what part of my post makes you think I have an agenda?

I'm also really surprised that so many people are saying that being a sperm donor shows poor character. How odd.

Hop I agree. I mean WTAF? Heaps of lads did it for beer money in university, it was no big deal.

If it allowed someone to become a parent, great. I hope they and their kids have a happy lives.

It’s a genetic donation, not a trap.

OP no part of your post suggests that, but can you not see how things might look from her perspective? No matter how much you protest otherwise, she will have to either factor you in to the family as another child to consider with all the big financial decisions, or consider herself and her bio children as separate from her husband and his bio children - which isn't a place we want to go to and stay happily married?

Sparkle567 dont you find that rather selfish? And why would it impact negatively on your children anyway? The OP exists. Pretending she doesn't and refusing to have anything to do with her isn't going to help anyone. Also the adult children might actually want to know. I have adult children I would die for but I would never say that their feelings, or rights are more important than anyone else's

I wonder where this viceral reaction against sperm donation really comes from? It has never been am issue for me and I assumed it was generally accepted but clearly not.

I hope that clinics are explaining properly to men that there are lots of women out there who have such a negative view of sperm donation and that this may affect their future relationships as a result.

OP no part of your post suggests that, but can you not see how things might look from her perspective? No matter how much you protest otherwise, she will have to either factor you in to the family as another child to consider with all the big financial decisions, or consider herself and her bio children as separate from her husband and his bio children - which isn't a place we want to go to and stay happily married?

Honestly it's a weird assumption to think a donor conceived child would have an agenda other than "find out where they've come from". It would be a very wrong assumption and not enough to stop a relationship forming IMO. And I'm an adult with my own money and property why would they need to factor me in financially?

FWIW other people in the donor conceived community who actually form relationships rarely see their bio dad as their "dad" - even if they previously were seeking a father figure. It's more like if you had a niece wander into your family you never knew about. A new addition to the family but not in the same vein as the family you've knowingly had. If this makes sense? I'm certainly not looking for a 'dad'. I had a dad, I lost him but a whole new branch of a family tree - I come to think I'm lucky that I have the opportunity to explore that

Also sperm donation looked very different in the 70's than it does now. Not as much medical info and donors were not obliged to keep that information up to date. What anyone has from those days isn't really that reliable. And the lack of regulation has HUGE repercussions - I'm pleased it's so much better now. And I get how men though they were buying into anonymity when they wanted £30 for beer money at uni. But the reality isn't that simple I'm afraid, wether it's convenient to them or not

Clymene I agree i honestly don't understand why people see it as such a big deal. I think it's totally understandable that a man might not say anything it wasn't a big deal to him at the time and was done anonymously, he wouldn't even know if his sperm had resulted in a baby. many men did it as students. I don't understand why a wife would feel threatened by it. And why there is so little compassion for the OP who after all had no choice in the matter at all.

I wouldn’t think it anything much to do with me if she had donated sperm and a biological child contacted him. It would be entirely his decision - I would find it bizarre and controlling if a partner thought it their business. How contact and relationships would be moving forward - so many variables who would know but it could be perfectly pleasant or very much better.

I don’t understand why it’s so threatening ... you certainly have a range of responses to ponder on. Hope it works out ik

Tbh I think I would be quite proud of him for helping others have a child. I also have a very high opinion of women who choose to donate their eggs.

Our donor was a popular choice and has helped create several children. He has brought a lot of happiness to my family and me, and no doubt, to several other families.

It would be sad if this affected his own chance of happiness.

I find it odd that it would occur to anyone to care. I know when I was a student, the lads I knew would have sold any bodily fluid they could. There was no such thing as internet genetics and it was all anonymous donating. I wouldn't expect to be told before marriage either. It was just a business transaction and most of the men involved probably don't give it a thought from one year to the next.

I suspect that of women had been promised anonymity in this way (about anything that would have such a massive, possibly marriage ruining effect on their life) and then had that anonymity withdrawn, the thread about it would go an entirely different way.

There are such women: this was a promise sometimes made by religious organisations when women gave up babies for adoption, a few decades back. There was a discussion on the issue on here maybe a couple of months back? It was pointed out then that the genie is out of the bottle now, regardless of who was promised what when.