To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

I would have a hard time with it emotionally I think, as the wife. But I also think I would do my best to be supportive to my husband and welcoming.

I hardly think a person should have disclosed before marriage that they donated sperm/eggs in their early twenties in a time before DNA testing was so widely available. Things have changed, he likely never thought about it again until his sister told him.

I would consider divorce. The only way the marriage would continue is if I had a post-nuptial agreement and changed my will to pass all my assets to my children, but I would be inclined to. (Yes donor fathers who conceived through a clinic have no financial obligations to their children but this isn't an 8 year old with a mum trying to claim maintenance - then those laws would be applicable. this is an adult who may potentially form a relationship with their father and he may choose to include them in his will).

I specifically chose to marry a man without children to avoid the whole blended family scenario as I know I would not handle it well. Not the same level of deceit as an unplanned baby from a brief encounter then DH wasn't told-donating sperm is for the purpose of conception.

And yes I would feel the same way if a child from a one night stand DH had before me turned up at my door. It's a dealbteaker for me, one of the reasons my partner was he had no children -it was and is that important to me

"biological parent who gave eggs or sperm who, if an adult DC later wants contact rejects this is acting very unethically IMO"

Could not disagree more. Sperm donors of my age were promised anonymity. They have every right to keep to the contract they made. Any donor child who is unhappy about this should take it up with their parents and the medical profession, not the random man who is doing exactly what he agreed to do, which is being no part of their lives.

This is what I wanted to say. These men, particularly from the time when OP was conceived, have every right to the anonymity and lack of involvement that they were promised. No-one could have foreseen the present situation, and I imagine that many many of those young men would not have donated today, given what we know now.

I do am astonished at how many posters have said that this would be the end of the marriage for them. It wouldn't bother me at all, though I can imagine it being difficult for siblings.

Personally I wouldn't seek out a sperm donor father from back then. I think it would be unfair on them and their families.

I think all of this illustrates the dangers of putting the desire of the parents to have a child, and the desire of donors to make some money, ahead of the rights of the person who is conceived as a result of their actions.

The right to personal identity is a fundamental human right. Parents who conceive through anonymous donor DNA are deliberately depriving the individual who emerges of that fundamental human right - just as those involved in closed adoptions did until the mid 1970s.

They produced a whole lot of people with MH problems as a result.

It does not matter whether they could have forseen the current situation. They have no right to deprive people of their identity.

Just because it was legal at the time does not make it right. And it does not mean that we should not try to repair the damage.

Anonymity was always unethical and is no longer feasible.

The needs and wishes of DC resulting from donated sperm or eggs far outweigh the needs and wishes of the donors, IMO.

Or sellers, since donation often wasn’t/isn’t purely altruistic.

Noone has the right to be a parent no matter how heartbreaking it is not to be one, especially if it isn't in the best interests of the child. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

It’s funny, I only ever hear this point being made by people who do have children.

I think all of this illustrates the dangers of putting the desire of the parents to have a child, and the desire of donors to make some money, ahead of the rights of the person who is conceived as a result of their actions

The right to personal identity is a fundamental human right. Parents who conceive through anonymous donor DNA are deliberately depriving the individual who emerges of that fundamental human right - just as those involved in closed adoptions did until the mid 1970s

Totally agree.

I agree, Jameelia. Was equally important to me, and to my H as well. Having kids at all was a dealbreaker for both of us.

I think that when you create a child, you always have certain obligations that you can't walk away from. Even if that child was put up for adoption or created through egg/sperm donation or surrogacy. A biological parent owes the child information about their medical background and should be willing to meet once and answer the child's questions. People have a right to know where they come from - it's their own personal/family history and they have a right to know it.

That said, you do sound very combative. You are behaving as if your biological link to this man is more important than his long standing marriage. What happens next is absolutely her business. She is his wife.

While I think you do have certain rights and he has certain obligations, I also think that he gave you life and enabled your parents to have a child. Be grateful and don't push it. He did that in the expectation of anonymity and you don't have a right to be part of his life.

If you are angry that no one thought of the long term impact on the children resulting from donation, keep in mind that people did the best they could with the information available to them at the time. Mistakes may have been made but you are alive and well, had good parents and that's the main thing

I agree, keyboard.

I also find it really interesting, how many on MN are rabidly con-surrogacy for any reason, even if the child created is not the surrogate's biologically, but we're all supposed to be fine with gamete donation or sale.

Some people are not fine with gamete donation. I think there are a lot of issues in surrogacy where an egg from one woman is used and a different woman is the surrogate - neither woman feels like she is the true mother of the resulting baby.

even if the child created is not the surrogate's biologically

I don’t like this way of thinking. A pregnant woman creates a child from her own body. The fact that the egg came from elsewhere doesn’t change that she has made that child.

I read this line once on here and have saved it because it sums up my views.

Babies aren't fruit trees. You don't merely plant a pip and presto the sunshine and earth magically do the rest. A human, a woman, creates every cell of that human from her blood, her bones, her organs, her body, after that embryo implants. The genetic material is a blueprint. But the child is entirely OF her body, OF HER

I know it’s not the point of the thread, but I hope it’s a valid contribution. I am against any form of gamete donation because I don’t think we have the right to donate human life to others.

It’s funny, I only ever hear this point being made by people who do have children.

I don't have children and I agree entirely with the pp.

Noone has the right to be a parent no matter how heartbreaking it is not to be one, especially if it isn't in the best interests of the child. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

I agree with this and I couldn’t have children.

DH was donor-conceived and has absolutely zilch interest in seeking out the sperm donor, which I find mildly curious but entirely his choice. I'm currently pregnant with our first child and while I occasionally have thoughts about the 'unknown' 4th grandparent to this baby, I don't think anyone other than the donor-conceived child and the donor themselves has a right to input on any relationship or lack of it that develops.

I do think it's preferable for a donor to let their partner know if they're in a serious relationship but I cannot bring myself to froth about it in the way others upthread are doing. There are many, many worse things a person can do than help create a child.

Others have made the point about fears that the donor will abandon their family to pursue a relationship with the donor concieved child. I'd be very upset about this too, but surely that's more an issue to be dealt with if it happens, and not something to be angry about in the first place?

I am currently pregnant via donor sperm so this thread has upset me a little really. The comments I mean.

I intend on letting my Son know he was donor conceived, I have bought books to help that process.

In regards to the medical information though, I am surprised.

I don't know what it was like in your Mums day, but I have access to my donors genetic screening report and full medical details along with his parents and grandparents.

I wouldn’t be happy if my partner didn’t tell me about his donations. But as long as he was honest from the beginning, I could deal with it. Yes, it might make things more complicated, but families are complicated, especially when you look beneath the surface. DNA testing websites have caused many people to re-evaluate their own identities and that of their families.

I have a young DC who was conceived using donor sperm. When she’s 18, she will have the right to find out the donor’s name and last known contact details. I chose the donor partly because he seemed very open to contact. He even wrote his name and other identifying info on his profile, but the sperm bank redacted it. I would have liked to know more about him, but the HFEA have a “one size fits all” approach.

I’m grateful to the donor and I really hope he finds a partner who can appreciate what he did. I would be gutted if DD wanted to meet the donor as an adult and his partner blackmailed him into refusing. I don’t think that would be right or fair.

I signed the sperm bank’s paperwork and so did the donor. But DD didn’t and she can’t be bound by it. DD might grow up feeling that her donor is not her father and have no interest in finding out his name, let alone meeting him. Or, she might see him as her absent father. No one can tell her what to think or how to feel. And no one can say that it’s none of her business.

DD is a happy child and I hope she grows up into a happy adult. I also hope she is able to meet her donor one day, if she chooses to. And I hope she always has access to any relevant family medical history.

Fwiw and re responsibilities and rights. While my kids donor acknowledged that he did not have any legal rights or responsibilities he did feel that by donating he had inadvertently landed himself into a situation where he did have moral rights and responsibilities - they least of which was recognition of genetic fatherhood, and a willingness to answer questions about health etc Without any doubt his response was more open to us than it might otherwise have been because he did not At the time have his own family.

The current set up in theUK - let alone the US - has a lot to answer for ... too many offspring per donor, too little education, no obligation to provide health and updated contact information. Donors and their families are being thrown into uncharted waters so it’s no surprise that some are sinking.

Important correction: the donor felt he had moral responsibilities not rights.

He has never claimed any moral rights over the children (though I have tried to respect all his wishes). I

I havent rtft (sorry),
But I have a question....

....surely sperm/egg donors werent told what happened to their donation, all those years ago?
Were they told if donation when to research lab purposes? Or if it resulted in a child? Or if a non-successful pregnancy happened? Esp with ivf success rates
being so so low.
Surely they had little way of knowing so they'd assume that theres a likelihood it resulted in nothing.
Most I'd say is I donated, but no idea what became of it, more than likely, nothing at all.

Also I've a VERY dim view of ANY parent who turns their children away.

@RoseWines perhaps more compassion needed for donors who inadvertently (and partly due to a flawed system which encourages lack of thought) discovers he has (potentially scores of) children having a call on him. Really this is a case of compassion all round.