To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

Depends on how much I knew and how early in the relationship really.

I would be upset. For me it was something special to have had dh first dc etc and to find siblings we knew nothing about. I planned to have a core family unit as I was part of a blended family and it was hard work all round so I really would not have been happy.
I would never expect dh to reject the dc resulting from it though that is his issue to deal with.

@ClappyFlappy because they don't have the kind of information specific to what I needed

I would be absolutely furious. And I would say it's everything to do with her. She is his wife. The mother of his children and the person he has a past with and I'm assuming hopes to have a future with.

You're not his child in the sense that he created you from a relationship with your mother. So he has no legal or moral obligations to you.

If my husband did this and then perused an actual parental relationship I'd be sitting down and demanding answers. I'd want to know our actual children would always be priority both emotionally and finically and I would have to rethink the marriage.

biological parent who gave eggs or sperm who, if an adult DC later wants contact rejects this is acting very unethically IMO

Could not disagree more. Sperm donors of my age were promised anonymity. They have every right to keep to the contract they made. Any donor child who is unhappy about this should take it up with their parents and the medical profession, not the random man who is doing exactly what he agreed to do, which is being no part of their lives.

I would be open to meeting you if it was my husband. I think I would be interested and I think our children would be as well. I wouldn't see you as his child in the same way as the children he has raised are, I'd see you as a new relative with the potential to add something positive to the family. Of course if we didn't all get on I wouldn't want to continue seeing you but I would never want to control his relationships with other people, the girl he was engaged to over 50 years ago is still in contact and although I sometimes raise my eyebrows when she phones at a busy time she is just someone from his past.

His wife might come round to the idea, it was probably a shock to her and a knee jerk reaction.

@kit19. there is NOW a ten family limit (which could be over twenty children - So I’d argue still too high) but there wasn’t a ten family limit when the OP was conceived - and the entire ‘industry’ was poorly regulated

there are large offspring groups from previous decades (which are only coming to light with DNA testing)

If the OP was conceived with a US donor the number could run into several hundred! Eighty is still Common in the US

The ten family limit was introduced in 2005

An ex boyfriend was doing it whilst I was actually going out with him in the 80's and whilst we were both at uni. It didn't cross either of our minds that anything more would come of it, other than helping someone out and a bit of extra cash to top up the student grant.

Having said that if I discovered dh had done it, I'd be upset with him initially. Not because he'd done it, but because he hadn't thought to mention it to me over the years. Surely over 30/40 years there would be an opportunity for it to be mentioned in general conversation when similar subjects have arisen. I think it really depends on the guys personality. Maybe he genuinely did forget all about it and it never crossed his mind since. Unlikely though. It's the secrecy I would find difficult to come to terms with.

I like to think I wouldn't be upset with the child and would be open to having some sort of relationship. Truthfully I think I'd probably resent something upsetting the applecart and our family dynamic but I hope I'd be mature enough to put that aside. I'd feel out of control of the situation if dh was excitedly rushing headlong into it all without thinking through the implications for us all. I'd want to encourage taking it slowly.
It's a minefield. I don't think any of us know how we'd truly react.

OP, I hope the hospital appointment goes well. Cheese gives good advice. Take it slowly and carefully. The wife is probably in shock and may need time to come round. And it will be good for everyone affected to be upfront about expectations so it can all be managed sensitively. You obviously have a fantastic enlightened mum who ignored advice to keep it secret. Think the ancestry sites are irresponsible not to provide proper advice on risks and possible implications of findings. It would take much for them to signpost. Hope you and your son are doing well

Wife, of course, may not come round... xx

I have had to use a sperm donor to make my family . I have also used donor sibling website and dna testing to find him sooner than I am supposed to . ( when kids are 18) I don’t think a real relationship will realistically be possible as we are all strangers and live opposite ends of the world to each other but I’d like to be Facebook friends and be aware of each other’s life’s ups and downs and for him to see pictures of the kids he had made . I am very grateful to him otherwise I would not be a mum. I’d hate for his wife to be in the dark about it or up set over it , I hope she is v proud of him. Legally we cannot chase him for child support or inheritance etc so there is no threat in that department and he chose to be an open donor ( which you ave to be in the uk) who is contactable at 18 but he can retract that if he wishes

In response to your actual question - I expect I would be somewhere between indifferent, proud, and (slightly) intrigued. I hope I would support my partner to build an appropriate (but non-parental) relationship with the adult child, and I’d expect to also be part of that relationship. I think the more fitting comparison would be to an adult DC’s partner, rather than to a step-child - it’s not a parental relationship, it’s not one I’d have the right to insist didn’t happen.

I have sympathy for everyone in this situation though. Definitely it’s a huge shock to the wife. It’s also a shock to the donor, who would have never expected this to happen way back when he decided to donate. And it’s a whole bunch of feelings for you.

I have donor-conceived children, who know their donor; and somewhere out there is a small child who was made possible by me donating my eggs to a couple I didn’t know. I’m delighted I could help her parents have a much-wanted baby, and if she comes looking for me later down the line I would definitely be interested in meeting her and happy to fill in any questions she has, but she’s (obviously) not my child and tbh I go months at a time forgetting all about her - and I know she was born, and I signed up to the current (IMO hugely preferable) arrangements for ID-release donation. So I can also imagine that a ‘may well not result in anything at all’ donation, from years and years ago when loads of guys were doing it and when there was no expectation that they would be traceable, would just slip his mind and not seem worthy of mention, although I guess I’d expect it to come up in conversation at some point over a lengthy marriage (when there’s been a TV programme or someone else you know has conceived via gamete donation or whatever), and perhaps the absence of that mention when the chance must have been there must feel a bit deceitful. It’s never occurred to me that I should tell prospective partners very early on about my donation, but I guess since I also have actual children of my own that’s rather different.

I think lots of this thread is poorly informed (eg all the fretting about wills), and I think also depends on whether one essentially views a donor as a parent or not. Some people clearly do (I think mostly not when they have had direct involvement).

I agree with PP that the dramatic ‘this is a dealbreaker! I would never have entered into such a marriage if I had known!’ response is akin to wanting only untainted virgin spouses. Which I suppose is perfectly reasonable, but I don’t get it and I don’t much respect it either.

I’d echo P999’s suggestion of making use of the HFEA, and I hope this thread isn’t making what’s already an emotionally tumultuous time for you any more difficult.

I would consider ending the marriage, I think this is something that should be confessed early on in the relationship. It can have huge ramifications in the future, imagine one or more children suddenly turning up at your door one day wanting a relationship with your husband. No thank you.

My friend’s DP donated sperm in his uni days but he told her when they met and she’s ok about it. Waiting until you’ve married and been with someone for years before telling them is a breach of trust.

Thank you @NellWilsonsWhiteHair that's so useful and nice to hear from the other side.

FWIW I have no desire to take any inheritance 🙄 I don't think I legally even could if I wanted to! And I agree about being shocked that people would immediately leave because it upsets their perfect picture family. Would they feel the same if it turned out their OH was adopted so their children had "new" grandparents?

In the circumstances you've described I think I'd be fine with it. I'd be upset that hubby kept it from me and I'd need time to adjust. But I think children should have a relationship with their dad so I wouldn't stand in the way of that.

If however I was infertile or decided not to have children and then found out hubby had a secret child/ was a donor I think I'd leave him. I couldn't cope

IMO sperm/egg donors DO have ethical obligations to their biological DC, should those DC make contact as adults.

I'm actually shocked at the number of women who think the donor should have no relationship with their child. Why is a child conceived via DS be more important than a child conceived in a marriage?

No wife should be telling their husband to ignore a child. That should be his decision and that of the child.

I would probably cry tbh, I would expect something of this magnitude to be shared before entering into a relationship. I am not sure if I would have entered into a relationship with my dh had I known he had existing children and I would have wanted to know so that I could make an informed choice. If the sperm donor has no legal or monetary obligation towards a child he helped create then I would probably wonder why he would want to have a relationship if he already has existing children that he has helped raise. I think I would rightly or wrongly question this as his wife. It is unfair to say this has no impact on his wife , if they have adult children then they have been together a long time and are very much partners and by holding back he has deceived her in some ways. Of course noone has any right to take any anger out on you or other donor children but sometimes we are emotional and irrational and it is easier to 'blame' a stranger.

My greatest worry would be the impact it would have on my own children and I would be putting the interest of my own family above my dh getting to know you personally. I do not think I would ever stop dh from getting to know a donor child but would think it unreasonable for me to have to get to know them unless I wanted to.

I don’t know if this is helpful but: when I contacted my children’s donor I was very clear that I wanted nothing from him other than to know his identity and health history - and i epsxlaied he has no legal or financial obligations or responsibilities in Law - but I also said that I would be very open to anything else and I let him set the pace. His pace was very very very slow but he has subsequently told me that I handled it extremely well and that he was able to connect because I did not pressurise him and gave him space and respected his decision.
Now thar we have a relationship my kids do not think of him as a father. He is not a dad - they say he’s more an uncle and they refer to him as donor which has a very specific meaning for them. I think he’d like it if they called him dad and I’ve told the children it’s completely up to them but they laugh at the idea as That just isn’t the role he plays in their life. They love him though.
So I’d say again social worker is the way forward, a skilled intermediary, someone who can help aid communication and articulate clearly how you’re not a threat. Over time this will hopefully filter down through family conversations and help alter the wife’s view. It is a lot to get used to, for both of them, and I do understand her initial fear, while also hoping it changes.
The most important thing that helped us connect was respect and honesty. We have always been very respectful of each other’s wishes as well as honest about our desires and our limits and our constraints.

When sperm is donated there is no guarantee that it will be used to help couples conceive. That is one possible (likely) use, but I think the consent form says that it could just be used for research purposes. I think that that (along with what used to be the promise of complete anonymity) helps create that mental distance as the donor just has no real idea what if anything will ever come of donating.

Also, I’m sure the 10 family limit was being said to donors much longer ago than 2005 but maybe it varied from place to place.

My greatest worry would be the impact it would have on my own children and I would be putting the interest of my own family above my dh getting to know you personally

Yes, and I would be extremely annoyed if my husband were doing anything other than putting his children first.

I find the OP's attitude very off putting, using phrases like 'hard cheese' and suggesting an adopted partner could lead to your children having 'new grandparents' in their lives.

I am the child of an adoptee. I had two sets of grandparents. The biological parents of my adopted parent are not amongst them and never could be. They aren't my family. They are nothing to me.

@bluegrass. You’re right. The ten family limit was introduced in 1991. So anyone conceived before then could be part of a far larger sibling group

That’s your personal view. OP’s may be different and is no less valid.

If he’s a decent, ethical person he will provide the info OP is seeking for the sake of her DCs’ health, and have some contact. And deal with the consequences of his lying by omission to his wife without bothering OP with those matters.

“It’s not a parental relationship”: biologically that’s exactly what it is!