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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:36

No you're mother was a parent Who this man never met and has zero relationship with.

He never engaged in a sexual act with her. Never exchanged bodily fluids and he never caused her to carry his child through unplanned circumstances. Again comparing apples and oranges.

And I am far from a simpering wifey :) but my priority will always be to protect my children. The ones I created, birthed, love and raised. And that would include securing their home and family.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:36

If it was us no action would be made until we'd worked through it and come to a resolution

And that's exactly what I'm holding off on contact for. I will not message or pressure him - like I say it is not me who has driven the communication. I am prepared to never hear from him again. But if I didn't it should be because HE is not interested (which I know isn't the case), not because he doesn't want to upset his wife

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:37

But what if he's weighed up the pros and cons with his wife and decided that it is not something he wants. You are not apart of their lives or marriage. You do not know this man. You do not know what he wants or how he feels.

Cattenberg · 25/01/2020 00:38

I’m thinking of becoming a donor myself, because I have frozen embryos that I probably won’t be able to use, and it doesn’t feel right to destroy them.

If a future partner told me I wasn’t allowed to meet my donor offspring and he would leave me if I did, I wonder what the response would be on here from the MN jury.

But you know what, I wouldn’t need to post this on here, because I know what I would do. I would ditch his controlling, blackmailing arse.

And I wish some posters would stop pretending that they’d freeze out a donor child for the sake of their own children. Oh please! You’re not talking about finding out how your children would feel about a potential half-sibling and giving them a choice, you’re talking about what doing whatever YOU want, as though YOU matter more than anyone else.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:40

I know nomore it was my (very poor) attempt at humour Grin

Can I ask - what do you feel you'd be "protecting" your children from If they were adults in these circumstances? I'm not being facetious when I ask this BTW

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:40

I believe my happiness is more important than some random strangers.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:42

But what if he's weighed up the pros and cons with his wife and decided that it is not something he wants

That would be fair enough if he genuinely came to that conclusion. But if he was stating that on the basis he'd been delivered an ultimatum then it wouldn't be fair or right to anybody.

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 25/01/2020 00:43

The only thing I might be bothered about is the not telling me earlier, plus maybe the potential number of children. Other than that, it wouldn't bother me. But then I'm the sort of woman who will and does happily babysit and look after my ex's children which he had after ours. Way I see it is they contain half my children's dna, can't love mine and not love them, plus it's good for the children to be as close as possible. I grew up with half siblings whom I hardly now know due to an unhinged SM and a very hurt and understandably jealous mother. Since then, I hate people interfering in parental relationships. Makes me sick. It's also weird to think my children could end up accidentally dating any of their cousins! From that point of view I'd be glad they could know who their siblings are.

I think ultimately it benefits no one to pretend the half siblings don't exist. So yes, I'd have no issue and try and make anyone turning up for answers or a relationship feel welcome. It would also be up to my husband to decide how to proceed. I'd try hard to support him. That said, if a lot of children were created then yes, I would find that more challenging.

It's definitely something I'd like to know in advance though!

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:43

Firstly any discourse in the marriage would affect children of any age.
This is an issue between husband and wife and shouldn't be brought to the children's attention unless we had resolved it.

The bottom line for me would be I would be furious beyond measure if this got landed on me without warning.
I'm against donation anyway and would really struggle with being deceived. So it would be fix our marriage or let this ruin us.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:44

It would if peace is restored to their marriage. If he is happy with his decision and again the pros outweighed the cons.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:47

But what is there to protect adult children from?

I disagree that it should be down to parents to control what adult children know. Adults have their own minds and should make their own decisions - I'll point out with my cousin who turned up age 19, one of her half-brothers, who's the same age as her, has never spoken to her or wants anything to do with her. His prerogative and right - but it didn't stop his siblings or anyone else getting to know her.

I'm so please my mum and dad never shrouded my life and my roots in secrets and lies because the truth wasn't convenient. I'm pleased I've always known this.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 00:48

OP I have a not-really-a-dad dad and no family on that side. Due to MH issues I have been more of a parent than a child to him and now little contact. There are lots of us about with one parent.

Assuming she doesn't change her mind, you exist without contact with him and can still be happy.

Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 00:50

Plus you have a dad so have a family group?

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:51

But you needed to know because it was your self. Your being and your existence.

You're a stranger to them. A dot in the 700billion people on the planet.

You have parents. You have a family.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:53

@Chocmallows my dad passed away a few years ago. But was an amazing father and no less a dad just because we didn't share DNA. If he was here he'd be fine with what I'm doing - but I'm not looking for a replacement. There isn't anyone in the world who'd replace my dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:55

Don't think there's that many people on Earth Nomore. And I'm "a dot" who he is responsible for creating - so it's a little bit different than your average common-or-garden stranger off the street

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Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:57

Is it? Not to a lot of people.

I know actual surrogates who've birthed children and said that while caring that the child is well they felt nothing for them.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 25/01/2020 00:58

I would divorce him.

Marrying a man with DC is fine, you've done so with your eyes wide open. Getting married without that information, and then adult children of my DH coming along - which he willingly chose to create without ever telling me - would be a deal-breaker.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:58

OK. So it's 7.53Billion. Still makes individuals pretty dot like.

Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 00:58

Sorry for your loss. It's good that you had and in memory have a dad. Sounds like you have a supportive family and don't need paternal biological links. They may change their minds in time, but ultimately it doesn't stop you living your life how you want to.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 01:00

I know actual surrogates who've birthed children and said that while caring that the child is well they felt nothing for them

So what? Not everyone feels that way - and if they have the capacity to have no feelings for a child they will carry and birth they probably shouldn't be a surrogate

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 01:01

No matter how many people are on the planet, it doesn't make biology irrelevant. Inconvenient, maybe - but not irrelevant

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 01:04

Why? They wanted to fill a contractual obligation to provide another with a child for them to raise.
Rent 'a' womb I read a lot.

They were completely detached from the pregnancy. How is that not perfect? They provided a product. Not unlike sperm. Once that product was supplied their role ended.
They did what they did either due to wanting to bring happiness to the parents or I'm sure for some for financial reasons. But that child was never theirs.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 01:05

It does to many.
And you can feel that way about you but it doesn't mean others have to feel the same way.

Just look how many people here can CO a parent.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 01:19

Because your body and baby doesn't know that your womb is being "rented". It would still be entirely natural to feel a strong bond in pregnancy - and surrogates should, there is no earthly reason why they should act or feel like wombs on a stick

Totally different to sperm donation, which doesn't involve a woman's body growing a child.

Falling out with a parent doesn't mean that your biology, DNA, family tree etc is no longer important

OP posts: