Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:15

It pains me I have to get again spell this out but for clarity:
I don't expect to be put above his wife or children or considered his "child". Ever. But in these VERY early days this is a whole branch of a family tree and despite not being bothered before now the door has opened I'd like the opportunity to...not explore that, exactly...just not have it shut down quite yet. I want to have the first discussion of exploring it. This is not a Hollywood film, I don't intend to move on with them and start wearing the same clothes and having the same hairstyle as his wife and have his children call me "sister" 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:15

Well sorry you have such an insecure marriage Sparkle sounds terrible.

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:16

So if the decision effects both of them equally why does he get more of a say? He doesn’t.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:16

The biological parent of course Sparkle. Every time.

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:17

And that's fine. You can't help how you feel. But this does not just involve you and him.
There are other people to consider. Who's voices will be heard and who's counsel will probably be taken over yours.

It sucks. One of the main reasons I'm against DS. But any unhappiness from this. Any resentment isn't his fault.

Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:17

Not really. Il be lucky enough to never have any donor children turn up. I know for a fact he hasn’t donated. Like I said, I wouldn’t of partnered up with someone that had.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:18

And he can. If he wants a relationship he is free to peruse one. But he's probably going to chose keeping his home happy.

Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:18

He doesn’t though. You may believe he does but he doesn’t.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:19

Well that pleases me I have to say Sparkle. But unless he was a virgin you just never know if your children are his only ones I'm afraid. Highly unlikely of course but not impossible

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 00:19

For around two decades a woman raises DC with a partner. Suddenly an adult appears and says the partner is his/her dad too.

The woman is not going to celebrate this situation. The implications are deceit, how many more DC out there, stress on relationship, stress on existing DC, will partner develop more interest in new DC, will this news change partner, could family partly lose him?

It's potentially completely destabilising. I assume that you have family, can you imagine a scenario like this for your cousins or other family groups? As much as you want this relationship, can you see why it would be hard for the mother of his other DC?

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:20

Why shouldn't a biological parent have the most say of the relationship they have with their biological children?

So when a woman donates an egg and her bio "children" turn up 18 years later her husband should have the most say?

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 00:21

So when a woman donates an egg and her bio "children" turn up 18 years later her husband should have the most say?

An equal say, yes.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:22

Not most. Equal. A discussion.

But come on. I'm laying next to my husband now and BF our baby with our other two children sleeping.
If I'd popped out some DNA years ago and a stranger wanted to have a relationship with me and he's says he'd rather we not id choose his views and feelings every day of the week.

Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:23

Your not seen as his child though via his wife.
Your nobody, you didn’t exist a week or so ago. You weren’t even important enough for him to mention in there many years of marriage.

Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:24

You feel strongly that he should get the final say but you don’t seem to realise that his wife may feel just as strongly about it.

Just because you think only the biological parents get a final say, doesn’t make it true.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:26

I can see that @Chocmallows especially when she never knew he was a donor. But I'm not the kind of person who's horrified by the existence of another human. My uncle (knowingly) had a baby when he was 30 to a 17 year old he worked with (while he was married). None of us knew until she showed up aged 19 when her mother told her the truth. This was 4 years ago. Uncle is a bit of a prick and hasn't made much effort but the rest of us welcomed her with open arms. My grandparents were over the moon that they lived to see another grandchild. She spent Christmas with them. She meets up with her brother and sister, who adore her. No one thought for a minute she was gonna ruin lives, she's only made everyone's better. It would have been unfair had his partner deprived everyone of that because it didn't suit her.

That's probably rare but it is my family's mentality 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:26

when a woman donates an egg and her bio "children" turn up 18 years later her husband should have the most say?

As @Chocmallows said, an equal say.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:30

And again. That is different. He fathered her. If my husband had actually fathered a child via an actual woman I would be upset. I would be shaken I would probably need to rally the girls and sob and drink wine. But I would also get the fuck over it because a child needed a father.
You're not her step child.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:31

Your nobody, you didn’t exist a week or so ago. You weren’t even important enough for him to mention in there many years of marriage

ODFOD. And just because you think the woman has most say doesn't mean it's true either. Also, it's "you're". And it sure if you're being obtuse or are just actually dim but as many have said donors didn't know the outcome so no he's not going to mention a child he doesn't have.

Please answer the question re egg donors - does the husband have the most say on what happens next over the wife because by your logic he should.

If I'd popped out some DNA years ago and a stranger wanted to have a relationship with me and he's says he'd rather we not id choose his views and feelings every day of the week

If my OH said he didn't want and to pursue a relationship with my bio children, and I did, I'd tell him to fuck off, because I'm not a spineless simpering little wifey who values a man's opinion over my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:32

What happens when in the "equal day" the two disagree? Who wins?

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:33

If my husband had actually fathered a child via an actual woman I would be upset

Yes, my mother is in fact a blow up doll

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:34

Then that decision is one to be resolved within the marriage.

If it was us no action would be made until we'd worked through it and come to a resolution.

Jameelia · 25/01/2020 00:34

OP

I have the utmost compassion for you. You have a absolute right to know where you came from. Like you said you had a dad, and this is about your biological father, genetic heritage. There is curiosity on both sides from you and your biological parent. You both have an understandable need or want or curiosity to know each other and pursue some type of relationship or maybe not. But this situation does not exist in a vacuum isolated from other family members or his wife and children especially if they didn't know.

You didn't choose to be conceived in the manner you were so are not bound rightly so by anonymity etc. (Lack of regulation has a lot to answer for), but she also probably didn't choose to marry a man with children or even someone who engaged in sperm donation. Maybe she doesn't even agree with gamete donation -maybe it is a value they don't share and had she known she would have married Timmy. Some poster would be perfectly happy and not bothered, but those who would be troubled with it are also equally entitled to feel that way.

I would be upset if an adult child popped out of nowhere, method of conception donation or one night stand wouldn't matter. I wouldn't have anything personal against you, but I made very deliberate decisions in my life to avoid certain situations. I think that is a valid feeling to have. I would never stand in anyone's way to do anything they want, I'm not one to dish ultimatums, I just know myself and the things I dont want in my life.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:34

You're not her step child

Confused

I don't think I ever said I was.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 25/01/2020 00:36

It's lovely that your family accepted another adult/child in, but I can empathise with those who do not. You were not her choice and are not now. She has been upfront.

Personally I'm divorced and if my DC had other siblings I would want to meet them and if I thought they were stable (e.g. not on drugs etc.) and have my DC have the option to know them. I doubt my exH would not have donated sperm as selfish all the way anyhow. However, I can see that both partners in a marriage would have to agree as it is a massive decision and could really affect the family dynamic.

This isn't personal about you, but is personal to them.