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Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
Lambikinis · 24/01/2020 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomorelaundry · 24/01/2020 22:39

Well. Women do donate eggs.

TitianaTitsling · 24/01/2020 23:02

Not yet rtft but what about the risk of half siblings coming across each other not knowing and ending up in sexual relationships and having children? Or am l just being dramatic?

SpiderHunter · 24/01/2020 23:06

You aren't being dramatic and it is a very real possibility. It is part of the reason why a lot of countries have limits on the number of children or families which can be created from a single sperm donor.

Evilspiritgin · 24/01/2020 23:36

@Lambikinis

There are loads of sites set up for people who have done dna tests and have found out their fathers aren’t who they think they are

As it’s been said Pandora’s box is completely open now

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 23:47

I've joined a few blind groups for DNA testing and thanks to Ancestry DNA there are a LOT of skeletons coming out of closets. But it's not a bad thing, not really. I know a few people who were raised by people they thought were their fathers but weren't. Hopefully it doesn't happen too much anymore (I'm not saying don't Haagen step parents, just honesty)

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 24/01/2020 23:47

Sparkle567 dont you find that rather selfish? And why would it impact negatively on your children anyway? The OP exists. Pretending she doesn't and refusing to have anything to do with her isn't going to help anyone. Also the adult children might actually want to know. I have adult children I would die for but I would never say that their feelings, or rights are more important than anyone else's

It may be selfish of me but I don’t care. I wouldn’t pick a partner that has previously been a donor. So if my husband didn’t tell me and then it come out of the wood work I’d be livid. The ultimatum would be given. Me, our life/family or something you done years ago for some beer money.

If I would of wanted any of my children to have More biological siblings then I would have another child myself. If I stopped at a certain number then I don’t want a random stranger popping up in the future trying to be apart of my family.

I wouldn’t pretend she didn’t exist. I’d acknowledge the fact she exists and then I’d go about my life as normal without her in it. She wanted medical info. She has it, now she can carry on with her life instead of ruining her biological dads marriage.

You may also feel like that but in a situation like this I would say my children’s feelings matter more to me And in my eyes are more important then the ops feelings.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 23:47

*online not blind 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 23:51

Me, our life/family or something you done years ago for some beer money.

Hmm

I was something "done" years ago for beer money - my rights and feelings aren't less important than that of children conceived the traditional way. Please think before saying things like this.

And I'm not ruining anyone's marriage. I don't have that power. I assume your husband was a virgin when you met him? If not You have no idea if he has other kids out there but I highly doubt any would have any desire to pop up and ruin your life 🙄

You sound exceptionally ignorant.

I feel sorry for anyone so precious as to presume the very harmless existence of another human could "ruin" someone's life

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 24/01/2020 23:54

I have learnt one thing from this thread - there's some very insecure wives in the world.

OP posts:
Nomorelaundry · 24/01/2020 23:55

my rights and feelings aren't less important than that of children conceived the traditional way. Please think before saying things like this.

But they are. If you are comparing those of a mothers children and a random stranger.

Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:02

my rights and feelings aren't less important than that of children conceived the traditional way. Please think before saying things like this

To your actual family, your feelings are important.
To my family they wouldn’t be as important.

Well you do have that power, as you have already caused issues by getting into contact. It was anonymous for a reason.

There’s nothing ignorant about not wanting a donor child popping up that you didn’t even know was a possibility! I feel sorry for the wife. You asked for opinions. Not everyone is going to agree with you.🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:03

the point of my thread is not wether I should be important to the wife though. The whole point of my thread is that biological fathers should be able to make their own decisions without being delivered ultimatums/forced to choose by their wives. Anyone delivering an ultimatum like that quite frankly needs to get their head out their arse and realise the world doesn't revolve around them.

I am not less important than a "regular" child - shame on you for thinking so

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:04

It’s not about being insecure. It’s about not wanting your life turned up side down by a total stranger that you don’t care about and didn’t even know was a possibility.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:05

Well you do have that power, as you have already caused issues by getting into contact. It was anonymous for a reason

I didn't agree to that anonymity. I have a right to know where I came from. It's not ideal for donors, but as pp brilliantly put, it doesn't matter who was promised what at the tone, when humans are on this earth as a result you have to deal with that.

There’s nothing ignorant about not wanting a donor child popping up that you didn’t even know was a possibility

It's very ignorant to say someone isn't important because they were "done in a cup for beer money". May be not important to YOU - new flash, other people exist.

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:06

But you are less important to the wife then a regular child!

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:06

It’s not about being insecure. It’s about not wanting your life turned up side down by a total stranger that you don’t care about and didn’t even know was a possibility

So the preference is to pretend the stranger doesn't exist?

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:07

But you are less important to the wife then a regular child

But the wife is not the biological parent - it will affect her but she's not the one who should have final say. Same goes for husbands who are married to egg donors. They can give their opinion but it's not ultimately down to them to decide if a relationship should or shouldn't happen

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:08

The whole point of my thread is that biological fathers should be able to make their own decisions without being delivered ultimatums/forced to choose by their wives

You naive to think that a couple that have been together for years, have grown up children don’t make decisions together! It will effect BOTH of them. Not just him.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:09

No. No shame on me at all. You and your wants will almost definitely fall well below the feelings and wants of the woman he chose to marry. He will probably care more about if his actions am upset her more than you. She will be in twins with him for the rest of his life.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:09

I'm not stupid Sparkle I realise it will affect them both - but the decision should be driven by the desires of the biological parent. Not a partner having an insecure moment and deciding on behalf of everyone that they will all pretend this person popping up never happened

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 25/01/2020 00:10

Yes, nonore shame on you for putting children in a pecking order of importance.

Didn't understand most of your last post

OP posts:
ImsotiredImsotired · 25/01/2020 00:10

Some of the responses are very heartless. The op was a child with no say in how she was conceived. If this were my husband .. of course the situation would be a shock, but I would hope that he would build relations with her the same way he had with our children.

Sparkle567 · 25/01/2020 00:11

So the preference is to pretend the stranger doesn't exist?

If already said I’d give an ultimatum. So yes I would carry on with my life as normal like you don’t exist.

If he wanted to have a relationship with you then he would be welcome to and the marriage would end.

Nomorelaundry · 25/01/2020 00:12

My husband is free to make any decisions he wishes.

But he is a husband and father of three. Only 3. And as a good husband and father I know he would prioritise us above all else. He may have a curiosity. May have a fancy of getting in touch. But I don't know many men who would look at their homes, family and set up and risk that for a stranger.

And of course there's a bloody pecking order of importance.

Number 1!!! My children.

  1. Close family friends kids, nieces, nephews etc.
  1. Other random strangers.