MIL Boundaries - She went in the bedroom

[GYNisaliarWTF]

Long one but aren’t they all.
We recently bought and moved into our home (house renovated brand new), it’s round the corner from MIL & she didn’t visit at all at prev address (not too far).

I am pregnant, and very unreasonable 90% of the time hence being here.

We moved in during Xmas break. People have been round unannounced nearly every day since. I am not used to this AT ALL as ‘my people’ have respect for boundaries and prior- warning that they are coming.

This has resulted in MIL finding me asleep on the sofa on two occasions (I’m a sleepy pregnant lady and it was my day off) and has both times made me feel like I shouldn’t be sleeping in the afternoon (disclaimer- I work full time in an office for local government all year including Xmas except bank hols and also run a busy hair and beauty business both home and mobile so most weeks I do 13 hours a day/ 6 days a week) so I think I’ll be forgiven for a nap on my day off.

AIBU
Yesterday she came round when I wasn’t home, she doesn’t usually have a key but is regularly here when I’m not (DP doesn’t mind her being here all the time). She was here all day.
I had preempted that she would clean my house, so on Sunday I cleaned all the way through downstairs. We’d already agreed months ago that both she and my own mother weren’t to have a key as I’d be uncomfortable with them doing washing or cleaning whilst I was out (Id have a cleaner and I’m more than capable of sorting my own washing) she agreed that she too would be annoyed if someone cleaned her house while she was out

I came that came home to find she has cleaned my (already very clean) downstairs toilet, which stunk of bleach (which made me sick) and furthermore had proceeded to clean my (already clean) kitchen, re-arrange my cupboards, move my decorate items around into different places in the windows (giving the impression she didn’t like how I’d done them, or thought I’d done them wrong). She also bought a new window cleaning tool and TEN LIGHT BULBS and left the bill on the living room side after proceeding to change ALL my lightbulbs in my lounge making it now only slightly resemble blackpoolfuckingilluminations. (They are the same specification LED that I use in my beauty lamps for make up application). She obviously thinks my nearly brand new windows and toilets are dirty, so has kitted me out as if she’s doing me a favour (when in reality I’m really just busy, and haven’t got around to unboxing all the cleaning equipment from my previous home yet)

worst of all
When I went upstairs in the evening, I noticed she hadn’t cleaned the upstairs bathroom and was relieved, there’s no need for her to be upstairs; we have a downstairs loo as aforementioned. I took a shower and when I entered my bedroom, my bed is made and window is open. I asked DP if he had done this (I was livid as bedroom minus 2 at this point and I’m soaking wet from shower) he had not. So she’s been in my bedroom, decided the bed needed making and the place needed ‘airing out’. Not only that but she’s not done anything else upstairs, so looks as if she’s gone upstairs and gone straight to our bedroom to do this. Very annoying.

I’m beyond insulted but I daren’t approach it with her. We usually have a great relationship but since having this house she is ignoring my wishes to fulfill her need to fill her nest again, but I’m a fully grown woman who has no requirement for her interference on this level. DP has had to ‘have a word’ with her previously as she bought kitchen items which id already bought.

Advice on how to approach please, I don’t want to hurt her feelings; but she will be really hurt that we’ve got these boundaries in place regardless, as I genuinely don’t think she would think that my bedroom is a no- go- zone.
She cried when I told her I’d already bought a kettle, despite assuring me she’d be happy to take the one she’d bought back to the shop.

I don’t want to burn any bridges but I also want to feel like this is my space, and that I can make it my own home (v difficult for me- new town, no family or friends of my own here, recently discovered pregnant following GYN telling me it wouldn’t ever happen)

Please be kind, although I’m furious about my personal space invasion I do want to keep my relationship with her as she’s an actual angel of a human (but has no boundaries).

...and having read the rest of your posts; top marks for 'action' to your DP, albeit unhelpfully impulsive action - because low marks for comprehension and preparation.

If he doesn't take care to make sure he understands your concerns, he can't share them, or represent them.

The very real risk is that he will be perceived as, or even explain himself as being, your mouthpiece. That's very different from representing a shared or agreed position. MIL will find and exploit that crack. Divide and conquer.

Still, he's made an impact and that is a great start, even if it's a bit muddled. The main thing is she now knows that something is wrong. She can work with him to find out exactly what it really is and what that means for her.

Do not apologise or explain - that will play to her ability to 'divide and conquer' as she will recognise, correctly, that he didn't understand what he was saying, was acting as your mouthpiece and that her problem is with you.

Leave them it sort it out between themselves. This will require your DP to engage his brain and ears a bit more and find out, for himself, what it is that is really bothering you.

Congrats on your pregnancy!! YANBU in the least. Crying because you bought a kettle Let your DH’s bollocking stand and don’t apologise she will take it as sign of weakness, that she can play you off against each other.

My MIL wouldn’t do anything as useful as clean but would continually come into the house when we weren’t there, and take things. I’d walk in at 6pm to find her ass on the sofa with no milk or bread left in the house, demanding a life home because she couldn’t (wouldn’t) drive. Apparently FIL couldn’t possibly come and get her

Anyway take it from me, get your key back and as soon as you can move far away. I managed to find somewhere 50 mins away with no bus route

OP, you could get a ring camera or similar and when she rings the bell you can speak to her through your phone and if you’re not up to seeing he, just say you’re out shopping, for a walk, appointment, etc. You might need it to get peace when baby arrives, as I’m afraid she’ll double down on her interference. If you ignore the ordinary doorbell she’s liable to start phoning your partner and ‘panicking’ that something has happened to you, in order to gain access. You’d be surprised the things manipulative will do, in order to get their own way.

Thank you @Coughsyrupsucks.

I am saddened by the fact that it might seem I’m being ungrateful that she might clean as most would be super grateful. But I think the reason I asked her not to is that I knew she’d overstep. And she has now anyway.

I’d love to move but that’s not going to happen anytime soon, DP loves his hometown and so do I. (We met here and had all our teenage years here together, it’s very nostalgic)
She won’t ruin it for me

Thank you for the congrats 💕

I’d go mental if someone ate my bread, pregnant or not you do not mess with the carbs of another woman

The list is good.

Buy your own kettle.

Your DH having done that is huge, don’t undo the work. No normal person cried when you won’t use their kettle. Absolutely change the lightbulbs back and move your decorations back.

It will on it get worse.

On the bright side, once you have a stair gate up she probably won’t be able to get upstairs, I’ve never been able to work other peoples stair gates!

@GYNisaliarWTF Never take bread off a pregnant woman LOL! And you aren’t ungrateful, how would she like it if another person came to her house and cleaned again. It’s so rude. My Mum did it once and I went nuts. She’s never done it again. Harder when it’s someone else’s Mum though. Enjoy your new home and let DP deal with his mum

OP: I've been in your situation with my MIL. She has little to no respect for my boundaries. She used to come across when we were not here and "clean". When I was in labour with DD, she came in and rearranged my towels in my bedroom (this meant she had to go through my entire closet).

I was lucky that DH stood up like yours and said: No thank you and has had to remind her several times.

We were away for a week for work recently and when we came back she commented on a smell in my DS room.... Which meant that she's had a good nose around upstairs when she had no business too.

Why does she have a key? Because DH likes them to have one "in case".

Your comment about "your style" really resonated with me. We're similar and my MIL continues to buy these awful "preppy" clothing that I absolutely hate. I've ended up selling it or giving it to friends.

My point to this post is: keep your boundaries. Work out what you want when your baby is here NOW and make sure everyone is aware and understands.

Just after reading your post that appeared under my one in the thread and this struck a chord with me:
she told me at Christmas her ‘nest is empty now’ and as someone who is currently building her first nest, it struck a real deep chord of ouch with me.

Isn't it the cookoo that robs the nest of other birds and gets them to think they are nursing the original eggs but it is the egg of the cookoo that is being nursed? Sounds like your DP's dear old mother has gone full on Cookoo then!

OP what your DP has understood and maybe you haven't quite yet is that because his DM has no boundaries it has to be all or nothing. Hence the harsh talk he's had with her. And you wanting to be nice and less brutal isn't going to help because she's of the 'give an inch and take a mile' persuasion.

Let him do it his way. The more you post about her, the more it seems that what she's doing isn't 'from a good place' or because she 'means well'. It's because she wants to be in control. Let DP put a stop to it now.

OP nothing to do with your MIL just wanted to say I'm in awe of you working those hours, being pregnant and still going to the gym!! Go girl! :-)

I’ve always felt guilty buying things for me. For buying nice things which cost a bit more money.

Result being my parents useful to buy me gifts (read shot I’d nevertheless buy myself in a million years) and I’d have to be greatful otherwise I was being a cow. This meant my PFB was in a really cheap uncomfortable awful cot I had to bin the mattress and buy a comfortable new one for her. I had a really shit sofa set as my parents bought me the fugliest one they could find and had it delivered and set up when I was at work etc etc l.

When we moved into our current house, DP ordered dishwasher, washing machine and fridge. He bought the ones I’d been looking longingly at but hadn’t suggested because we bloody well could.

I have a gorgeous kettle and toaster set again my previous house my parents bought me the cheapest ones available in Argos (toaster actually caught fire). I use the toaster and kettle a lot, they’re out on display on the worktop. Why the fuck I ever allowed my parents to dictate my house contents previously I will never know. I deeply wish I had packed everything up and left it outside their front door, after all they were the ones who desperately wanted it not me.

My point being, it is not kind or generous to foist shit on to people when they’ve told you they want something specific.

I think in my case my mother couldn’t bear the thought of me having beautiful things and wanted me to look and be the poor relation who relied on her benevolence and was forever beholden to her for the fugly sofa I never even used. Many more reasons but I am NC with her.

Actually that's an excellent point wonkybanana and he has succeeded in getting across the fundamental point that his (your) house is not her house.

Let him deal with her.

The only thing funnier about a grown woman crying over a kettle is if she had done it while in the Sistine Chapel!

I can relate to the empty nest as I approach that time with my own children. She probably just wants to feel part of things and needed. I doubt she intended to cause upset, although she has overstepped. Try to be kind to her and think what her intentions are. I can relate on the other end of this too btw, had the same with my own MIL. Best is to set expectations clearly and present a united front. Get DH to deal with her, she’s his mother.

She cried when I told her I’d already bought a kettle, despite assuring me she’d be happy to take the one she’d bought back to the shop.

Bonkers over-reaction. Ensuring you pussyfoot around her and don't upset her by telling her YOUR feelings.

I did ask her not to clean and rearrange my house though and she ignored me, but ... I know she doesn’t mean harm and I’m over sensitive about it.

No, you're not. That's what your MIL wants you to think: that she can do anything and everything is all about her and her feelings.

Why is she sad about having an empty nest if she's not keen on seeing or looking after grandchildren? Seems very odd. Having a spotless house for the sake of it is not a nest, that's a show home.

She sounds like a manipulative interfering old bat.

But what was your h thinking? Did he argue with her because he thought that's what you were cross about, or did he argue with her because he' s fed up with her coming round?? You need to talk to him. I'm not sure you need to fix his mess with his mum, though...

Op I agree your mil is bonkers! In the summer I babysat for DS and DIL’s cats while they were on holiday. The loo roll in the downstairs loo ran out and rather than rummaging for a spare I brought one from home. DS asked me to draw the curtains in their bedroom (it was mid heat wave) so the cats could be cool so mindful of Mumsnet I twice asked him if that was ok with DIL!

I have had some similar issues and my therapist (when I had PND and PNA no doubt made worse by the stress of families interfering and boundary invading) reminded me that 'help should be helpful' so you're not ungrateful for unwanted 'help'. A lot of people like to say they are helping when you're pregnant or a new mum but really they want the kudos without the work and actually create more stress for you- not helpful, not help. My DM would wash our bedding to help but I had to strip and remake it (to her timescale) and when baby was born my MIL would let herself in to help with baby which involved me running around making drinks and snacks whilst FIL set up a professional camera and tripod to take photos of MIL with DD. Sweet but not helpful. Both MIL and DM seemed to want the kudos of helping but also wanted me to suffer a little bit in some weird sadistic way running around for everyone and echo how they had been treated when pregnant. What you and DH are doing is the best way to break the cycle and lay down boundaries for your new arrival. You really wont have time for MILs dramas once you're recovering and caring for a newborn.

It's lovely that she wants to help .. but seriously, take the key off her. Also, she shouldn't be buying things for you. Or if she does, she should do so to be nice, not charge you for things you don't want or need! My PIL do this, and buy DSS clothes and then give my partner the receipt for them! He doesn't need them! He has so many sodding clothes he can't even fit them all in his wardrobe!

It would make me feel very uncomfortable to have someone come in and clean my home, too. When I lived with my previous partner, my mum came to stay the night as we were going to the theatre, and when I got up in the morning she had cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. They were not dirty. I found it a bit offensive really, just thinking ffs, do you not think I can look after my own home? Or if it's not to your exacting standards (which tbh, I don't see what was up with it) don't sodding ask to stay over!

My PIL do this, and buy DSS clothes and then give my partner the receipt for them!

Why the hell is your partner letting that happen? I’m sure the partner has more important things he needs to pay for, rather than excess clothes for his child.

I have keys for both my children's houses, one lives too far away to ever pop in, if I'm there on my own I'll wash up and clear stuff away, empty the dishwasher, maybe do some light weeding in the garden and empty bins, but I'd not dream of cleaning without being asked unless I'd made the mess, my other one lives closer, I let people in to do work, or sign for parcels, or stay to look after the animals. Again I do similar, I take the dog for walkies, sometimes she'll ask me to pop clothes in to dry or do a bit of washing, I clean up after myself, I don't start rearranging things though, I'd not dream of changing lightbulbs unless one was needed, and while I'd do things if asked, I don't clean. I'll bung some loo cleaner down if I've been staying, but that's about it.
I've never gone into either house without being asked to or without them knowing I'm coming, and even if coming to look after the animals or for Christmas, so am expected, I'd still knock on the door if they were in.
I don't even clean when I go to my elderly mum's she has a cleaner, I am a bit more proactive, I get the stuff that she can order online, help her do things she wants to do but can't, cook some things that she likes but can't do any more.
Can't ever imagine 'breaking in' to someone's house and bleaching the place and replacing lightbulbs that didn't need replacing. Bang out of order

Sorry I know this isn't the point, but £180 for a SALTER kettle & toaster set? They're the cheapest brand there is, I didn't think they did any for that price

What stuck out for me (maybe I misunderstood), is that she has said she will only provide childcare in an emergency? So her intention with sorting your flat, and cleaning/arranging isn't to be helpful (as surely childcare would be most helpful), but to satisfy her own need to build a nest??

If so, that is manipulative, and not done with the right intentions. You have a right to privacy, and you should let her know. If she's reasonable she will understand completely (especially since she has admitted she wouldn't like someone cleaning her house without permission!!!). Ignore the crocodile tears and upset, it will be to guilt her son and you to get her own way. Set boundaries as you would for a romantic relationship that was overstepping the mark. Your house, your rules.

Have the conversation yourself if your husband can't do it, but please be firm, as you should not be living in stress in your own house, over someone else's intrusions.

Why, oh why, did you move so close to her?

Totally pregnancy hormones fucking with you, when I was pregnant and MIL was round cleaning all rooms I was fuming mad, and most evenings DP had to hear me having a rant.

However a little voice in the back of my head whispered, you might be grateful of help once the baby's here and I was very very right.

Dont get me wrong, if she changed lightbulbs and the whole kettle-gate thing, I would have likely erupted, so I admire your self control. However, we occasionally have a bit of fun and leave sexy time items out on display for MIL to find, hoping she'll take the hint and not go in there.

Nope. She tidies them up with the rest of the stuff.

So in summary, your DP has done good, keep calm, and make the most of any offers, that you want to take advantage of once the chaos maker, sorry baby is here.

Saying that, what occurred on our family holiday last year with the ILs, that's a whole other story...