To ask Mother not to drink on our Holiday

[wheresyourvegat]

As title asks..

Bit of history, DM is a functioning alcoholic and has been for over 10 Years. During the day she leads a normal life - good job, nice little apartment, great relationships with colleagues.etc.
Past 6pm once she's home, she's so intoxicated she can barely string a sentence together. Most Weekends from Midday too.
I've done everything in my power to help her, and am currently the only member of our very large family in contact with her.
She has a big birthday approaching and as a treat has booked a mini break for Me, Her and my DC (currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2).
I'm already filled with dread that she will secretly drink once my DC is in bed and it's just us up, the Mini break is in a remote location so we'll be in most evenings.

So, my question is - AIBU to outright ask my Alcoholic DM not to drink on our upcoming mini break? I honestly can't praise her enough when she's sober But I can't bear the thought of being stuck in a cottage with her for 4 Nights whilst she pretends to be sober.

Honestly, I would not go. It is not a treat to stay in a remote location with an alcoholic, its a punishment for keeping in touch.

Yeah, asking is vanishingly unlikely to work. I'm sorry. One DP was the same, died of it.

It's possible that your mum suddenly stopping drinking could be dangerous.

That's a treat? I'd have said, no thanks! And tell her why - which might shock her into doing something about it.

I think it's better to be stuck with her pretending to be sober than being stuck with her trying to go cold turkey.

Although I don't know why on earth you think 4 nights in a remote location with a toddler and an alcoholic is a good idea.

Ask as much as you like - it ain’t gonna happen.

@onanothertrain is completely right, there is a big risk to her going cold turkey. Personally l would be tempted not to go, unless you want to see her under the influence every day. My dad was an alcoholic so I know it’s hard

She’s not going to stop even if you asked her I’m afraid. I’d say you’re not going because her drinking makes you uncomfortable!

If your mum is an alcoholic stopping drinking suddenly could be very dangerous. People come into hospital and lie about their drinking, so end up not being given any detox and they get very poorly very quickly!

You could ask her to cut down? But it sounds like she has a problem so simply asking is not likely to change her behaviour...

I dont think I would go

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you beg, no matter what carrots you dangle, no matter what threats you make, she will. Not. Stop. Drinking.

This is the voice of bitter experience

As the daughter of a functional alcoholic, I now understand that trying to control a parent's drinking in any way is not only choosing a route to madness: it is also none of my business.

My mother drank to oblivion many nights of her life. The only sane response to insane circumstances was to get the hell out of dodge - as painful as that can be.

I understand why you want to ask her, but it's a lose-lose proposal. Let her be, and let her deal with the consequences of her alcoholism, while you do what you need to do to remove yourself from them.

I'm sorry, but fuck that.

I wouldn't go and tell her why.

Thanks for all of the advice so far - we haven't been away together in over 10 Years and I certainly had no intention of doing it anytime soon, so when she booked the trip (luckily still in the UK) as a surprise treat I didn't know what to say / do. We're not wealthy and it was a fair cost! She doesn't drink around my family or DC even when we've spent evenings together, so part of me feels like she might be able to go a few days without!? But also I understand how naive that sounds. I just don't know what to do! We are all she has and she is so, so excited to spend some quality time together 😞 DH works abroad a lot so isn't joining us.

How is this a treat? I wouldn't be going. Especially with a child.

You can ask, but she does, you may be in the middle of nowhere with a detoxing alcoholic, which I would not recommend.

Do you have a partner? Can they not come too?

Tell her you can't hear seeing her drink so you'll be going to bed/your room when the children do.

Not ideal but probably the easiest solution.

No point asking an alcoholic not to drink, it is literally a waste of time and as others say could be dangerous depending on how much she drinks routinely.

I would strongly recommend you don’t go. There’s no upside: you won’t be able to relax for worrying about what she’s going to do and you won’t be able to control it.

It’s not going to happen OP.You have two choices

• Don’t go but tell her why
• Go and accept she will drink and you will have to deal with the consequences.

I have been there so many times with my father. Some people might come on and advise you to go NC but I know that’s easier said than done. But you can choose whichever option is easiest for you. But you absolutely can’t control her drinking.

You could ask her what her plans are re drinking. Then make up your mind about going. Remember, she booked it as a surprise, without consulting you. You can still say no.

Can you just go to bed super early. If she doesn't start drinking until the DCs are in bed, then presumably you've got an hour or so before she becomes obnoxious.

She's going to drink. Make sure you have the means to leave in a hurry if you need to. I would refuse to go myself.

Just read your update re: your husband working abroad.

I also just wanted to say that alcoholics are very manipulative. Presenting you with a holiday as a fait accompli puts a lot of pressure on you to agree to it.

One of my parents died of the detox that came of stopping suddenly, and I see from PPs I’m not alone. During previous, supported, detoxes he shit the bed, puked endlessly and needed caring for like a sick child. I wouldn’t put myself into that position willingly.

You can ask but it’s likely to be met with shock and hurt indignation and cries of ‘don’t be so ridiculous and controlling, why shouldn’t I be able to enjoy myself on holiday?’ Then the accusations will come, of how you are exaggerating and misrepresenting her.

Try it and see......

Be prepared to either go and have a crap time while she drinks too much, or just refuse to go and be prepared for a fallout. You might actually be doing her a favour though, making her face up to her problem.

I agree with shouldntBeButIAm and rookiemere, enjoy your days with your DC and DM and take a good book to bed if the evenings become miserable.