To ask Mother not to drink on our Holiday

[wheresyourvegat]

As title asks..

Bit of history, DM is a functioning alcoholic and has been for over 10 Years. During the day she leads a normal life - good job, nice little apartment, great relationships with colleagues.etc.
Past 6pm once she's home, she's so intoxicated she can barely string a sentence together. Most Weekends from Midday too.
I've done everything in my power to help her, and am currently the only member of our very large family in contact with her.
She has a big birthday approaching and as a treat has booked a mini break for Me, Her and my DC (currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2).
I'm already filled with dread that she will secretly drink once my DC is in bed and it's just us up, the Mini break is in a remote location so we'll be in most evenings.

So, my question is - AIBU to outright ask my Alcoholic DM not to drink on our upcoming mini break? I honestly can't praise her enough when she's sober But I can't bear the thought of being stuck in a cottage with her for 4 Nights whilst she pretends to be sober.

Just my two pennies worth. My parents were not alcoholic, but I took my dad on holiday to Spain when he was well into his dementia. Very much a working holiday for me! He wandered off, he got lost, he wanted supper at 4pm, he got cross because the letter boxes in Spain are yellow and not red, and on the way back he refused to board the plane and we had to get all the way back to England by coach and train , on which he didn’t sleep a wink. I was in my knees by the time we hit kings cross st Pancras. He however was full of beans, and boasted to everyone at his church of the wonderful time he’d had. I never took him anywhere abroad or even outside of his county after that, but I’m glad I did it.

I’m not saying that to sway you in any way. One of my aunts was an alcoholic and I saw the toll it took on my cousins. She did not stop despite all the help given her by the family.

@wheresyourvegat you said she won’t drink around your child. She obviously won’t /possibly dangerous for her to not drink at all.. it’s her holiday, she’s paid, you agreed to go.... it’s probably better if she does drink? rather than go cold turkey? You could ask her I guess, could she limit it? Does she have alcohol free days now? What’s she like when she drinks? What happens if she runs out of booze? You said it’s remote....

I agree with other posters, either go & let her drink once the children are in bed & go to bed yourself or don’t go at all.

functioning alcoholic - asking her to go t-total may kill her, I would not be requesting this in a remote known destination.

Does she accept that she is an alcoholic?

I agree I would not want to be in a remote location with a withdrawing alcoholic. If you are willing to have the conversation with her you could ask her to moderate her in take for the holiday but if she is in denial she will brush it off.

Op either she's an alcoholic or she's not.

If she is, then all the threats in the world won't make her stop. If she is t then make your threat.

You need to decide if she is or not. Because if you truly believe she is, then you know asking her won't make a blind bit of difference.

You could be describing my MIL here in terms of alcoholism, job, apartment although I have no idea if her apartment is nice as she hasn't let us in it in over 10 years!

There is no way I would go - what ever she does you will be tense, the deceit of someone covertly drinking is hurtful, if she doesn't drink & you pick up on her misery at that you won't be happy or you'll be on tenderhooks waiting for her to snap & get pissed. It's likely that she won't get through a celebratory big birthday without a good drink.

Either way her alcoholism will dominate the weekend.

I would go but remove yourself when she gets too sozzled. I can sympathise, it’s no fun but you really can’t stop it b

Hi OP, please read the book Adult Daughters of Alcoholics. Then decide what you need to do for You and Your DC. You cannot change your mum. But you can change how you react.

I take my hat off to for hanging on in there, it's not easy. I did for many years. I only started asking my mum to stop drinking once she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and needed to take medication to slow it down but you can't drink on it. I had already lost my dad to dementia and I begged and pleaded with her to take the medication but she couldn't give up the drinking.
The final conversation came when she was yet again released from a hospital stay, had had to have the detox medication whilst in and was dry, I begged her again, she refused, that was the last prober conversation we had, it was 2 yrs ago. She is now dry and on Alzheimer's medication but only after getting sectioned just over a year ago when she was found wandering the streets in her underwear dazed confused and drunk. We are still nc as she blames me for her drinking cause I left her alone. She has never owned being an alcoholic.
Good luck with what ever you decide to do as it's nots going to be easy, either way. X

Have experience with this and absolutely would not go.

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent, I can say that there is no way I would go away on a trip like this. I would only go away somewhere where it was possible for us to split up in the evening on do our own separate thing, so I didn't have to deal with watching her get drunk.

Secretly drinking and pretending to be sober whilst on holiday doesn't sound awesome. I would stay at home if I were you or your DM.

I would go. It doesn’t sound like she will drink in the daytime or Even while the kids are around. If she drinks when there is just the two of you wouldn’t that be ok so long as she doesn't go overboard? I think she would struggle not to drink at all and it may not be safe for her so not good to ask this. You can ask he not to overdo it. If she wants to drink in her room after you have gone to bed, leave her to it. It sounds like she functions well so it shouldn’t spoil anything. How much does she drink? I think a lot of people drink habitually in the way you describe tbh. Don’t you drink at all? This may affect your perception.

I would be concerned that she is trying to create a crisis in a remote location. She's already driven the rest of the family away.

Alcoholics tend to be stuck in the Karpman Drama Triangle. The only way to deal with that is not to get sucked in.
www.karpmandramatriangle.com/pdf/alcoholicfamilytriangles.pdf

www.karpmandramatriangle.com/pdf/10Alc.pdf

pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/01/breaking-out-of-the-drama-triangle/

Omg, are me?!

Are you travelling together? You’ll need to do all the driving, she won’t be safe. I would have an exit plan and would up and leave if you can’t tolerate it.

I spent 3 nights at my mother’s house over Christmas having been told she’d stopped drinking. She hadn’t. It was shit.

Even if you ask and she agrees happily, I expect she will still drink and there's no point getting annoyed with her at that point. She's an alcoholic. It's what they do. The question is, do you want to be around her while she is doing it? Will you be able to enjoy yourself, whether she drinks or not? If not, don't go.

@Scarlettpixie her mother drinks to the point of being unable to hold a conversation every night. She has driven the rest of her children away. Her drinking is a massive problem. It is not the OP's perception that askew.

If she doesn’t usually drink around the OP, why will she this time though. It sounds like she drinks alone. I expect she drinks at home in those occasions she has been with OP earlier so maybe expecting her to drink nothing is unreasonable but expecting her to drink just before bed would work out? Maybe she drinks more when she is lonely.

You can’t ask someone to not be an alcoholic for a week. Don’t go.

I think a lot of people drink habitually in the way you describe tbh. Don’t you drink at all? This may affect your perception.

If a lot of people drink this way, then a lot of people have a problem with alcohol. This attitude is incredibly frustrating. It's bad enough trying to deal with an alcoholic without people telling you they're not that bad really. They are that bad. It is shit to deal with. Nothing you do is right and you get to watch someone slowly kill themselves. And they don't do it because they're lonely. They do it because they're addicts.

But I expect she's lonely and feels bad about herself because her drinking has pushed nearly everyone she loves away. It is the drinking that is the problem and it will still be a problem on the holiday. The Op can't control that.

Thanks to those with helpful advice. Links, articles and suggestions - I'll look into them all
So many questions, I'll do my best to answer those I can remember:

• No she doesn't drink around Me nor my DH / DC. She only gets drunk alone at home. On the odd occasions over the years has she had a glass of bubbly at a celebration or a shandy during a BBQ.
• I'm not a drinker now, No. currently pregnant with DC2 but I have drank previously and would on the odd occasion we get a date night!
• I'm driving, it's around an hour away from Home. Separate bedrooms, Me with DC and her alone. She has activity's / nice lunches booked for the day times. In the evening she has planned Pamper treats and Movies.
• When drunk she just falls asleep, no aggression or anything like that. She just sits watching TV, gets drunk and falls asleep, will take herself off to bed a few hours later when she wakes up.
• Yes I do feel a huge responsibility as I'm the only member of our Family she has left, saying that she is my Mother and believe it or not an amazing Mother / Grandmother - I will continue to support her always.

I apologise if I've used the incorrect terminology for her level of addiction, or come across as naive, as I said previously I'm not experienced in this difficult situation, just doing my best to navigate through it with hopefully a positive outcome for all! 🤞