Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Mother not to drink on our Holiday

86 replies

wheresyourvegat · 21/01/2020 18:22

As title asks..

Bit of history, DM is a functioning alcoholic and has been for over 10 Years. During the day she leads a normal life - good job, nice little apartment, great relationships with colleagues.etc.
Past 6pm once she's home, she's so intoxicated she can barely string a sentence together. Most Weekends from Midday too.
I've done everything in my power to help her, and am currently the only member of our very large family in contact with her.
She has a big birthday approaching and as a treat has booked a mini break for Me, Her and my DC (currently 24 weeks pregnant with DC2).
I'm already filled with dread that she will secretly drink once my DC is in bed and it's just us up, the Mini break is in a remote location so we'll be in most evenings.

So, my question is - AIBU to outright ask my Alcoholic DM not to drink on our upcoming mini break? I honestly can't praise her enough when she's sober But I can't bear the thought of being stuck in a cottage with her for 4 Nights whilst she pretends to be sober.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 21/01/2020 18:56

You cant ask an alcoholic to not drink. If it were that easy she would have given it up years ago. She is addicted and will always want to drink. Me personally, I would not go.

Drum2018 · 21/01/2020 18:59

I just wouldn't go and I'd tell her why. There's no way she'll abstain so you're wasting your time asking her to. As you won't be able to just up and leave when she does get drunk you'll be stuck with her. Tell her that you've had a think about her offer of the trip away but you don't think it's a good idea so you will decline. Whether she's paid or not is irrelevant - I gather as she booked it that she didn't consult you first?

AllideasAndNoAction · 21/01/2020 19:00

Yes, you could just tell her straight ‘I’ll come with you and we’ll have fun in the daytime but in the evenings, once you start to slur and make no sense you are on your own. I’m away to my room with a book. Just telling you in advance that that’s not my idea of a fun time.’ And see how she reacts.

BobbyBlueCat · 21/01/2020 19:02

Does she thing of herself as an alcoholic, OP?
Like, does she know she has a problem or ever mention it to you?

MissConductUS · 21/01/2020 19:05

During previous, supported, detoxes he shit the bed, puked endlessly and needed caring for like a sick child.

This is why detoxing should be done in hospital. There are medications that need to be monitored and treatment at hand if things go badly.

saraclara · 21/01/2020 19:10

Go.

You've said she's managed not to drink before when you've spent evenings together. So see how it goes, but if she starts to drink heavily tell her that you're uncomfortable being around her when she's drunk and can she limit her booze until the end of the break (limit, not stop completely).

If you see that she's packed a ton of bottles, then yes, you could have that conversation earlier.

PigletJohn · 21/01/2020 19:10

she won't stop drinking

You can be tired and go to bed early

I doubt she'll drag herself away from the bar until it shuts or they refuse to serve her. And she'll have bottles under the bed.

IMO it will end in tears.

exWifebeginsAgainat46 · 21/01/2020 19:13

i’m a recovering alcoholic (6 years in April, weather permitting). the one thing that worries me is something from my own experience.

in the comfort of my own home, familiar surroundings, the damage i could do was minimal. however, in a strange location this ‘safety’ feature is removed. if you go to bed early and she gets tanked as usual, what happens if she turns left instead of right to get to the bathroom and crashes down the stairs? or tries for the downstairs loo and ends up outside?

these might sound highly unlikely. but, the muscle memory of your own home does a lot in terms of relative safety. we moved house, and in the first 6 months i chose the wrong door looking for the en-suite in a drunken stupor and pitched headfirst down the stairs. broke my nose, loosened 4 teeth. lucky to be alive as i crashed full weight onto my face.

i just...this gift of a ‘break’ sounds like a bit of a poisoned chalice for you. you either get 4 nights watching her desperate for a drink, or 4 nights babysitting your drunk mother. while you are pregnant, and have a small child.

i’d be thumbing through my Little Book of Pregnancy Excuses and coming up with something. there is no relaxation to be had for you on a holiday like this.

Original poster
wheresyourvegat · 21/01/2020 19:15

@AllideasAndNoAction Having a chat with DH and reading through all the replies, your suggestion is exactly what I now plan to do. Her drinking isn't a secret, Her and I have spoken about it hundreds of times over the years; we've been to groups together, the GP, several avenues to help with her drinking but she just keeps falling back into the evening routine of drinking to 'help her sleep' Many thanks to all our you for the advice and your thoughts, I appreciate to those who aren't in my situation it may seem idiotic to go but being an adult child of an alcoholic doesn't come with a rule book. I have no idea how to deal with certain situations whilst seeing one of the people I adore most destroy themselves.
Sending thoughts to those who have been through similar or lost a loved one due to addiction, it's bloody horrid 😞

OP posts:
ncagainagainagain · 21/01/2020 19:18

My mother has similar problems. You can ask her not to drink, but if she doesn’t it might actually be more difficult. There was a point where my dad had to go and get a bottle of something because my lovely mum had become, I don’t know what else to call it but vicious, without alcohol for a few days.

I’m sorry, it’s awful. If it’s remote then I think I would drastically limit available alcohol by forgetting or accidentally dropping it.

stayingontherail · 21/01/2020 19:19

Can you get some entertainment ready for yourself (like books, headphones and music/tv streaming etc) so you can retire to your room if you need to. And also consider having a plan b for getting home in case it is too much and you just want to leave early. I wouldn’t rely on her not drinking even if you ask her to.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 21/01/2020 19:20

"She doesn't drink around my family or DC even when we've spent evenings together, so part of me feels like she might be able to go a few days without!?"
Um, sorry to be the bearer of bad news from bitter experience, but... that's just what she wants you to think. She is an alcoholic. She's doing it every time she steps out of the room alone for a minute to do X, Y and Z. If you tell her not to drink she'll just do it secretively.

Aridane · 21/01/2020 19:21

YABVU

WhatTiggersDoBest · 21/01/2020 19:22

PS cherish the time together and try to be sure your kids don't see her at her worst if possible. I had to go NC in the two years up to my dad's death when I was 27 because he didn't know who I was anymore and kept coming onto me.

ncagainagainagain · 21/01/2020 19:26

tigger yes, I’ve found half full glasses behind things on shelves, in cupboards, plant pots etc.

Changeembrace · 21/01/2020 19:29

Your OP is an utter contradiction

My mother was a functioning (and then non functioning and now deceased) alcoholic. Had she been able to stop for a holiday - she would not have been an alcoholic

She is a non functioning alcoholic and whether or not you ask her, she will drink

Changeembrace · 21/01/2020 19:30

Those one odd evenings when she doesn’t drink? Will take so much effort and she will drink as soon as home

CassidyStone · 21/01/2020 19:30

If you ask her not to drink, she's only going to do it in secret and will probably drink more that she usually would.

Go away for the weekend, fill the days with fun things, and in the evening, when the DC is tucked up in bed, suggest a board game, game of cards, a jigaw, something interactive to engage her. Celebrate her birthday with her - if she's as bad as you say, you may not have many more chances to spend time with her. Cherish her, she has an illness and she's your mum.

Ilovethekitties · 21/01/2020 19:32

Be prepared.

I went to china to visit my sister with my highly functioning alcoholic DM. She couldn't get her hands on red wine (her poison of choice) so I had to watch her drink ten cans of beer a night and cry herself to sleep.

We unfortunately were sharing a room, it was fairly traumatic for me as I dont react well to the self pity that comes with the alcohol and was very angry most of the trip (which isn't fair as she is an addict). I would never do it again.

Vanhi · 21/01/2020 19:32

Be prepared to either go and have a crap time while she drinks too much, or just refuse to go and be prepared for a fallout. You might actually be doing her a favour though, making her face up to her problem.

This, although I wouldn't hold out much hope it will be a wake up call. I am also the adult child of an alcoholic. It is immensely difficult and extremely stressful. There are no right answers, at least none that I have found.

Sarahandco · 21/01/2020 19:34

I am guessing around 60? she is not alone among this age group in drinking in this way - every night after 6 until falling asleep in the chair!

I would (and have done this) make the evening about eating a nice meal, make sure they eat plenty with their drink! Chat for as long as they are able to have a sensible conversation then after that go to your own room.

Make sure everything is safe - no balconies ect.

There is no point asking them not to drink, enjoy your mum's company for the time that you can and make it a memorable holiday if you can, but when she starts getting too drunk send her off to her room/tell her you are going to bed.

Obviously, with young children, you don't want them to witness drunkenness, so just be upfront and say you want to enjoy her company but can't let your children see her getting too drunk and once they are in bed you won't enjoy chatting with her if she is drunk.

FilledSoda · 21/01/2020 19:35

I wouldn't go .
I wouldn't feel safe away from home with someone who could set the house on fire frankly.
Even if nothing awful happens it's still a shit ' holiday ' for you . All the worry before it and the stress every day and night you're away .
Why would you go ?
I'd be happy to spend time with her during the day with the option of a quick exit .
Are you really going to sleep a wink pregnant, with a child in the house and no other adult to support you ?

Justmuddlingalong · 21/01/2020 19:36

Do you feel a responsibility to her, since you're the only member of your large family still in contact with her? Because that guilt is very powerful and hard to shake.

WilmaPantry · 21/01/2020 19:38

It's unlikely that DM will be able to go four days without drinking.

As PPs have said stopping drinking suddenly can be very dangerous. It could lead to her becoming very ill and/or having a fit. If this happens she will need an ambulance. You really don't want to have to deal with that on your own in a remote location with DC there.

Don't go. It won't be a holiday. I speak from experience.

Pumpkinpie1 · 21/01/2020 19:45

If she could stop drinking she would. She’s an alcoholic, that’s not going to happen without specialist support & a desire to change
You aren’t being realistic asking her not to drink anything x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.