To think that partners of the disabled aren't automatically "carers"

[woodchuck99]

So often on this forum I notice that if a poster says their DP/DH is disabled some posters assume they are carers who must be exhausted and that it is okay for the poster to behave in a way that most people would not accept from their own partners. It's as if they think being disabled makes you some kind of second-class citizen.

Just because someone is disabled it doesn't mean their partner is their carer. Many disabled people can look after themselves and if somebody doesn't say they are carer then maybe that is because they are not. In fact, even if they say they are a carer on this forum it doesn't mean they are or that their partner is dependent on them. Nobody has to stay with partner if they don't want to but if they do they are not a saint who require our understanding and sympathy whatever their actions.

No you are obviously not unreasonable but do you think maybe most partners of people with significant disabilities do take on some sort of caring role?

No you are obviously not unreasonable but do you think maybe most partners of people with significant disabilities do take on some sort of caring role?

Some people might take on a caring role but it is not automatic and it should not be assumed.

I have no idea about stats, but I would guess most disabled people don't have carers and their partners on the whole don't have to be 'carers' according to the definition for Carers Allowance, etc.
Obviously most partners will do the odd bit of stuff their partner can't do themselves, but I'd argue that doesn't hinge on disability and doesn't make you a carer.

I do find it annoying at theatres or theme parks when if you buy a ticket and meet disabled requirements, you can have a free ticket for a 'carer', even though they may never have provided any assistance ever - but if I need to pay more to get my needs met, eg front row seats or priority passes, then a free companion is a quid pro quo and I'm not giving it up (though it would make more sense to just give a discount to one person).

Obviously most partners will do the odd bit of stuff their partner can't do themselves, but I'd argue that doesn't hinge on disability and doesn't make you a carer.

Exactly. DH does the things I find difficult to do around the house but that doesn't mean he is caring for me particularly as overall I do just as much of him and he's certainly no downtrodden exhausted, saintly "carer".

This thread is a TAAT @MNHQ

No it isn't.

I don't think it's a terrible thing for posters to err on the side of sympathy and understanding.

It's clearly something you feel sensitive about but I don't think it carries the implication that disabled people are "second class citizens" that you feel it does.

I think it depends on the level of disability really and what you need to do to assist them. You can be a carer to some degree without getting the carer allowance, ie an unpaid carer. Or you might be a carer who literally has to care for the individual with most tasks around the home.

In my situation dp does care for me but isn’t my carer iyswim?
So he’ll help me bathe, mow the garden for me etc but isn’t around constantly and I do have to manage a house myself with my dc (we maintain separate residences) sometimes for a couple of weeks if he’s away on business.

I have people around me who help me but none would say they’re my carer

Well.it depends on the level of disability , my mum is very physically disabled now and my dad is her full time carer ,she could ,nt care for herself if he wasent around my son has severe autism and learning disabilities and I'm his carer he needs a high level of care ,it doesn't make either of them second class citizens though .

"Nobody has to stay with partner if they don't want to but if they do they are not a saint who require our understanding and sympathy whatever their actions."
If they do care for a disabled person who needs a carer, ie in that they are severly disabled, then I think they are very recommendable (close to being a saint) and do require sympathy and understanding. It is extremely stressful and emotionally draining being a carer in this situation. However if they arent doing much caring at all then this might not be the case.

If they do care for a disabled person who needs a carer, ie in that they are severly disabled, then I think they are very recommendable (close to being a saint) and do require sympathy and understanding.

I meant that they don't automatically require sympathy and understanding whatever their actions simply for being married to a disabled person which often seems to be the case. Posters sometimes read "disabled" and assume the spouses is a carer even if they haven't said that and it seems our full of empathy and understanding for behaviour which wouldn't normally be seen as acceptable in the marriage.

My partner is disabled and I'm definitely not his "carer". It does still affect my life massively though, and many people really don't "get it" when I talk about certain aspects of my life. Tbh I'd rather people tried to be more understanding/empathetic, rather than less .

N.b. I'm not looking to be sanctified!

My DH is disabled and im his carer as well as his wife.

and assume the spouses is a carer even if they haven't said that and it seems our full of empathy and understanding for behaviour which wouldn't normally be seen as acceptable in the marriage

Maybe i should start a thread "to think that carer partners arent automatically abusive"

YY Fern. DH hasnt been well enough to exert himself for many years. There are other sacrifices made by the carer partner that often get glossed over.

Im not bothered by our relationship no longer being a physical one.

What does bother me is the assumption that carers are abusive based on ONE thread posted by ONE Mner.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3800189-Disabled-husband-3-kids?pg=1

Is this the thread you're talking about @HeIenaDove? It did make me think of this thread when I read this.

I understand why people automatically assume people are carers because with the majority of disabilities the person will need help in some way. I can't recall seeing anyone say that disabled people can't look after themselves, plenty can and do. That's not to say that people don't say it.

yes thats the one.

"I meant that they don't automatically require sympathy and understanding whatever their actions simply for being married to a disabled person which often seems to be the case."
Again it depends on the disability. Its human nature to have empathy for someone whose partner is severly disabled, whether they are a carer for them or not. It sounds like you dont agree?

Nobody has to stay with partner if they don't want to but if they do they are not a saint who require our understanding and sympathy whatever their actions.

No, they don't have to stay.
I think it's entirely dependent upon the nature and severity of the disability as to how much presumption is made of the DP really (either correctly or incorrectly).

It doesn't mean that the person with a significant disability is a "second class citizen" as you put it, it means that people understand how difficult it can be for the extended family. Just like when a family member suffers from a debilitating MH condition - these things do have a ripple effect on the people around the person with the condition. Issues which other people cannot help can still affect you personally, and it's okay to acknowledge that. It makes people feel less alone.

I have a grown up child with a disability. We don't just up and "leave" our children when life deals us a difficult hand. But adapting to their needs, making plans around everyone else to account for their additional requirements, understanding their outbursts, the resulting isolation for me, has been a real labour of love at times.
I am quite sure that partners of people with a significant disability feel the same at times, perhaps more acutely at the worst points because the option is there for them to leave. But if they do, they'll forever be a pariah for not honouring their vows to be there In Sickness and Health. Guilt for feeling that way, and then sadness because you love your DP but feel you have no right to complain because it's something they cannot help.

I think it depends entirely on the nature of the condition/disability to presume that even if the partner is not a "carer", they likely make adjustments, allowances, and perform tasks which wouldn't be necessary in a relationship otherwise.

What does bother me is the assumption that carers are abusive based on ONE thread posted by ONE Mner.

I haven't said anything about abuse and I haven't referred to that thread. It is certainly not the only thread where I have seen people assume that everyone who is married to a disabled person is a carer and that as a consequence they are exhausted/downtrodden and can behave in ways that wouldn't normally be seen as acceptable.

DH has COPD, arthritis and ischemic heart disease.

He has been discriminated against due to his disabilities. Due to the heart attack that nearly killed him back in 2006 he has memory issues. When the HA discriminated against him it was me that had to fight this on his behalf.

People seem to have an image of carers that fits with the stereotype and think if you arent wiping arses then you cant be a carer.

People seem to have an image of carers that fits with the stereotype and think if you arent wiping arses then you cant be a carer.

So you are arguing that the partners of all disabled people are carers are you? Thank you for proving my point.

"seen people assume that everyone who is married to a disabled person is a carer and that as a consequence they are exhausted.."
Do you not think op that its probably based on the context? So if someone said for example "my partner suffers from..say ..epilepsy or migraines or gas trouble walking"...you might not presume they are a carer, but if someone said their partner has a brain injury, or some sort of severe asd, you might make the assumption that they are a carer?