To think that partners of the disabled aren't automatically "carers"

[woodchuck99]

So often on this forum I notice that if a poster says their DP/DH is disabled some posters assume they are carers who must be exhausted and that it is okay for the poster to behave in a way that most people would not accept from their own partners. It's as if they think being disabled makes you some kind of second-class citizen.

Just because someone is disabled it doesn't mean their partner is their carer. Many disabled people can look after themselves and if somebody doesn't say they are carer then maybe that is because they are not. In fact, even if they say they are a carer on this forum it doesn't mean they are or that their partner is dependent on them. Nobody has to stay with partner if they don't want to but if they do they are not a saint who require our understanding and sympathy whatever their actions.

Whether you're a 'technical' career or not it does affect the other persons life too- which is a decision they've made. As a couple there will be certain things that change/ can't be done/ the logistics of doing are more difficult so there is an element of change if the disinclination happens during the relationship. Doesn't mean it's a negative though .

@AllHeart1 you have expressed what I was trying to say much more eloquently than me. I just find it quite irritating that when anyone posts that their partner is disabled people assume they are a carer and often that being married to that person must be very hard/exhausting/difficult etc.

When people who aren’t carers come In and gush all over someone saying how exhausting it must be doing everything for their spouse, and how much of a saint they are; it massively infantilises anyone with a disability. The assumption there is that anyone with a disability is Automatically some sort of massive burden who can’t do anything, when in fact the vast majority of us are just quietly getting on with our lives.

Exactly. It's quite insulting.

My DP works full time. I think the one thing he does more than most is all of the grocery shopping.

I cook for the family but both my teen DC help with that. DD it's my boots on for me, when I want to wear them.

DD helps with housework a lot!

I'm tempted to think there's a reason people mention their partner has a disability in threads, and this might be because they are feeling it does have an impact on them... otherwise why would they mention it? As it would be like saying my partner has brown hair for example.

I'm tempted to think there's a reason people mention their partner has a disability in threads, and this might be because they are feeling it does have an impact on them... otherwise why would they mention it?

People mention all sorts of things that they feel may back up whatever their argument is.

So are you saying that the admin spouse and parent carers do like organise medical appointments, filling in forms , chasing and following these up arent part of it?

I have a disability. No one does my admin, filling in forms etc. I do them myself.

Some things I can't do but then I do other things instead. My DH isn't my carer but my illness severely limits what we can do as a couple and as a family. He still isnt my carer though.

A big issue in this is how complex benefits, allowances and assets are when it comes to care. If a person with a disability requires help but all of their assets are tied up in the family home what are they meant to do? If the partner can't or won't help them then they need to pay for that care. How do they do that? How can they eg release equity in their shared property if young children are living there? A person with mobility problems can choose to use a mobility allowance to put towards a motability car which the whole family might benefit from but then someone needs to drive that car. Otherwise the person with a disability could use the mobility allowance to pay for taxis to help them get around. If they opt for the car, which benefits the family, what rights do they have to use that car?

I think if a spouse chooses not to care for a partner then they need to be willing to divide the assets so that the person with the disability can buy in the care that is needed

When people who aren’t carers come In and gush all over someone saying how exhausting it must be doing everything for their spouse, and how much of a saint they are; it massively infantilises anyone with a disability. The assumption there is that anyone with a disability is Automatically some sort of massive burden who can’t do anything, when in fact the vast majority of us are just quietly getting on with our lives.

Exactly this. It's the attitude that says that because we have a disability we should be eternally grateful for whatever anyone does for us and should, at all times accept how terrible it must be for the spouse (rather than the person actually living with the illness/disability) that really upsets me. It's people insisting that I'm a burden and am single handedly ruining my husband's life just by my mere existence.

Exactly this. It's the attitude that says that because we have a disability we should be eternally grateful for whatever anyone does for us and should, at all times accept how terrible it must be for the spouse (rather than the person actually living with the illness/disability) that really upsets me. It's people insisting that I'm a burden and am single handedly ruining my husband's life just by my mere existence.

Yes, I totally agree and it upsets me too.

"If a person with a disability requires help but all of their assets are tied up in the family home what are they meant to do? If the partner can't or won't help them then they need to pay for that care"

That's a quite a big jump in topic, I thought the thread was about people who are disabled but dont need any care?

I dont feel my life has been ruined. I feel hes enhanced my life.

the only way i would feel my life had been ruined is if i was married to an egotistical sexist misogynist knob. DH is the opposite.

"Exactly this. It's the attitude that says that because we have a disability we should be eternally grateful for whatever anyone does for us and should, at all times accept how terrible it must be for the spouse (rather than the person actually living with the illness/disability) that really upsets me. It's people insisting that I'm a burden and am single handedly ruining my husband's life just by my mere existence.

I think there are a few points here..

clearly not every disabled person needs a carer.

Clearly its disengenuous to presume this.
Possibly some people dont have to do a lot of care but might appreciate a bit of empathy for the situation or for what they do.
When people hear there is someone with a disability in their family, people want to express empathy.

It doesnt always follow that by giving carers empathy you are ultimately saying the person with a disability is a burden. I think its recognition that they do an awful lot and that their life may be different because of the disability. More and more people are recognising the fantastic care a lot of carers give, and that's a good thing. I dont think that means they dont recognise how awful it might be for the disabled person.
I'm a carer. I wouldnt want the person I care for to feel like a burden, and when people express sympathy for the situation or tell me how well I'm doing, I know that empathy /sympathy also extends to the person I'm caring for. My life is not at all ruined by his existence, but it's different.

It doesnt always follow that by giving carers empathy you are ultimately saying the person with a disability is a burden. I think its recognition that they do an awful lot and that their life may be different because of the disability. More and more people are recognising the fantastic care a lot of carers give, and that's a good thing. I dont think that means they dont recognise how awful it might be for the disabled person.

If you know the carer personally and you know that they are doing an awful lot that is one thing. On MN though, a poster just has to say that their partner is disabled and there is an automatic assumption by some posters that it means they are a carer and that they do an awful lot, that they are saint and their partner is a burden. Not only is that irritating in itself but the fact that it seems to colour the way the posters (often very unreasonable) actions are viewed makes it worse.

If a person with a disability requires help but all of their assets are tied up in the family home what are they meant to do? If the partner can't or won't help them then they need to pay for that care. How do they do that? How can they eg release equity in their shared property if young children are living there?

They would be assessed by local financial services, on behalf of social services adult section, and found not to have to pay unless they had over a certain amount in savings. You do not have to sell your house to obtain care if you have young children living there. Not to get local social service funding anyway, and NHS CHC funding is not even dependent on financial status at all, although very hard to get. I wouldn't like people to be put off approaching adult social services because of this. If you are assessed as needing care, the care will be provided for free unless you have substantial savings, and they do not sell the home you and others live in (if you had no children, and only a husband, they may raise a charge on the property payable after the other person has died).

If you want to pay for extra help and you are assessed as not in need of care, that would be private and you would need to fund that privately.

DD helps with housework a lot! you’re on to a winner there, most non-disabled parents of teenagers would like to think their kids would help with the housework. .

I would also just like to put out there that the number of people with disabilities who are in abusive relationships is considerably higher than those without. Perhaps there is a corollation there somewhere in terms of people thinking of themselves as carers and the resentment this causes even if it’s not the case.

Nearlyalmost50

And there's the problem - if a person needs some help with some tasks, but the spouse is unwilling to do it, and funding from the LA isn't available, what then?

It's fine if a spouse doesn't want to become a carer, even offering minimal assistance I guess, but that assistance may need to be bought in so the person with the disability should be able to use family money to pay for that if it is needed.

I expect you are not a carer. I love all the references to my partner doesn't care for me but I sometimes need help due to my disability....that is the bloody definition of a carer!
The difference is some carers do more than others, I can guarantee my father would never have said I was his carer before he died but he didn't see all the smoothing I had to do in the background, bills I paid, forms I filled out and people I co-ordinated. My sons who are autistic both claim they don't need a carer but I have spent the past hour reminding one of them what he is supposed to be doing and then when he did say good buy and leave the house 5 minutes later his taxi driver is asking me where he is... gone for a bloody wander! And the La don't think he needs an escort, I can't escort him because my other autistic son needs me to help him get his stuff together and panics if I am out of earshot, fortunately he does have an escort for his taxi.
Next year they will not qualify for transport to school and will have "training" Fo public transport and I suspect that will fail, so I will have to give up work and drive them to their two different school but still they won't see this as me being their carer cos lots of children get taken to school... failing to grasp that is a parental choice not something that has to be done.
Rant over.

I would also just like to put out there that the number of people with disabilities who are in abusive relationships is considerably higher than those without

And this is what posters were trying to point out on the other thread. I've seen threads on here where if the spouse were saying the exact same things, but with the disability removed, then posters would be highlighting the red flags. Add in disability and you get people commiserating with the flag waiver and excusing their behaviour. Abuse is abuse, even if it's done by a carer.

katmandoo

I have a disability and yes, I need help with some things. Some days it's worse than others.

Equally, my husband, who doesn't have a disability, needs help with things. I do all of the admin at home - does that make me his carer? Or, actually, is that a relationship - we've allocated tasks based on who is best able to do them. He might have to help me occasionally but then I help him too. Yes, he does the cooking and anything particularly physical but it's still about 50/50.

I expect you are not a carer. I love all the references to my partner doesn't care for me but I sometimes need help due to my disability....that is the bloody definition of a carer!

And I expect you aren't disabled as you clearly have no idea what you're talking about. I am not saying that nobody is a carer. I am saying that just because someone is disabled and that they can't do some things because of it, it doesn't mean their spouse is their carer. DH does things that I can't do and I do things for him.

And this is what posters were trying to point out on the other thread. I've seen threads on here where if the spouse were saying the exact same things, but with the disability removed, then posters would be highlighting the red flags. Add in disability and you get people commiserating with the flag waiver and excusing their behaviour. Abuse is abuse, even if it's done by a carer.

I agree. Not every poster does it by any means but there are definitely a few and it is upsetting to see how all a poster has to do is say their partner is disabled for standards to change.

I have a disability and dh works full time - leaves a good couple of hours before school starts and gets home way after baths/dinners/homework. Yes he does things I can't physically do ie gey my electric chair out of the house, but does that make him a carer or just a spouse! Technically I'm a carer for our 3dc!! I do most of the life admin/kid stuff /finances/ cleaning. It bugs me how people presume that if you have a disability you're helpless and dependent. Not all disabled people carers! It also really gets to me how people clump disability together as one condition. What one person with a disability could easily do, another can't.

For those asking about why a companion or carer might be give free entry to a venue with a disabled person, part of the reason is some disabled people wouldn't be able to even get out of the house and go to a concert/play etc without the help of that person. I'm sure there will be other reasons, too, but I think it's a great way to help disabled people participate in things most people take for granted. Or would you prefer that people like me just stay shut up in our houses with no bloody life?

Something that does NOT help the situation is that if you do need a carer.. and you have a partner who lives with you, the government EXPECT that that person will be your carer.

My partner is, therefore, my carer, despite the fact that neither of us want him to be my carer, and he is not very good at it.

The alternative would be to pay someone which we can't afford so we have no choice, he HAS to be my carer, despite him hating aspects of it, and being bad at it.

Or I could kick him out and then I'd get care provided. Mm. Not gonna happen.

So then it is assumed that being a carer = being GOOD at being a carer.

I wish we could not make these assumptions and take everyone on a case by case basis!

I'm technically disabled, I laugh at the idea of DH being my carer!