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Original poster

To think that partners of the disabled aren't automatically "carers"

79 replies

woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 13:40

So often on this forum I notice that if a poster says their DP/DH is disabled some posters assume they are carers who must be exhausted and that it is okay for the poster to behave in a way that most people would not accept from their own partners. It's as if they think being disabled makes you some kind of second-class citizen.

Just because someone is disabled it doesn't mean their partner is their carer. Many disabled people can look after themselves and if somebody doesn't say they are carer then maybe that is because they are not. In fact, even if they say they are a carer on this forum it doesn't mean they are or that their partner is dependent on them. Nobody has to stay with partner if they don't want to but if they do they are not a saint who require our understanding and sympathy whatever their actions.

OP posts:
Amortentia · 21/01/2020 17:04

I do find it annoying at theatres or theme parks when if you buy a ticket and meet disabled requirements, you can have a free ticket for a 'carer', even though they may never have provided any assistance ever

Really, where’s this? I’ve always had to produce my career allowance letter to prove I’m my dds carer.

HeIenaDove · 21/01/2020 17:07

I do do some personal care like helping him bathe. Just not toilet care.............yet.

Original poster
woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 17:08

Do you not think op that its probably based on the context? So if someone said for example "my partner suffers from..say ..epilepsy or migraines or gas trouble walking"...you might not presume they are a carer, but if someone said their partner has a brain injury, or some sort of severe asd, you might make the assumption that they are a carer?

It should be based on the context but often it isn't. That is my point really. There shouldn't be an assumption that the partner of someone who is disabled is a carer.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/01/2020 17:10

Op what's your sensitivity here, are you disabled? I'm on here a lot and I've never seen anything saying what you're implying, that a carer can behave in any way they wish, and that disabled people are second class citizens, in fact if you've seen anything like this, I'd urge you to report it. However I clearly don't read every thread. But if I saw anything like you're saying I'd report it.

Maybe you can post some links to threads where you see this?

HeIenaDove · 21/01/2020 17:10

So are you saying that the admin spouse and parent carers do like organise medical appointments, filling in forms , chasing and following these up arent part of it?

HeIenaDove · 21/01/2020 17:14

OP disabled people are treated like second class citizens................by rail companies and bus companies who sometimes wont enforce the rights of a wheelchair user to use the wheelchair space.

Original poster
woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 17:26

Op what's your sensitivity here, are you disabled?

Yes.

I'm on here a lot and I've never seen anything saying what you're implying, that a carer can behave in any way they wish, and that disabled people are second class citizens, in fact if you've seen anything like this, I'd urge you to report it. However I clearly don't read every thread. But if I saw anything like you're saying I'd report it.

Obviously nobody specifically says disabled people are second class citizens. I have however noticed that sometimes there is a tendency to not condemn unreasonable behaviour to the extent they normally would be on MN if a person is married to someone who is disabled. Some posters are in fact quite sympathetic as they presume that partners of all disabled person are exhausted carers who have a lot to put up with.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 17:29

So are you saying that the admin spouse and parent carers do like organise medical appointments, filling in forms , chasing and following these up arent part of it?

Just because someone is disabled it doesn't mean their partner has to do the admin!

OP posts:
HeIenaDove · 21/01/2020 17:32

OP i read the other thread and i think she was exhausted. However i did WTF at the care home comment. DH has COPD so gets out of breath a LOT. He cant help it. Its part of the illness.

HeIenaDove · 21/01/2020 17:33

It does if they suffer from memory loss or the stress of it exacerbates their symptoms.

okiedokieme · 21/01/2020 17:36

The majority of people with a disability do get a level of support from their partner, doesn't make their partner a saint but I would never underestimate the care they provide. My dd has a hidden disability and whilst I do not physically do things for her I do think I'm a carer because she causes me so much anguish and requires emotional support

HeIenaDove · 21/01/2020 17:36

You are clearly looking for an argument OP. If you have been abused by a carer please report it.

TabbyMumz · 21/01/2020 17:38

What sort of unreasonable behaviour are you talking about op? I think people recognise more and more these days what the life of a carer might be like which is only a good thing. Obviously not all disabled people need carers, perhaps posters are erring on the sign of caution and presuming they might need some leeway or empathy for fear of being lambasted if they dont. When posters mention they have a disabled partner there is a reason for doing this, obviously to give some context to their home life. We all care for our loved ones in one way or another.

HeIenaDove · 21/01/2020 17:40

I wouldnt want to be called a saint. Id find it patronizing. But ive seen posts from MNers with ill family members who are called up by hospitals because they are discharging the patient at 3am.

1forAll74 · 21/01/2020 17:46

My 48 years old son is disabled, as in paralysed from the chest down,and obviously a wheelchair user. He does not have a carer, and he even dislikes the word carer. He dislikes any fuss and bother regarding himself.. Some cleaning in his home will always be appreciated, he tends to be a bit messy leaving stuff around,and he has two small dogs , so dog hairs and muddy paddles occur.

He drives, and sometimes takes holidays abroad alone. He may sometimes need help with his wheelchair access to places that are not up to scratch for disabled people.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 21/01/2020 17:49

A. This is totally a TAAT.
B. No doubt it will get deleted anyway as it will kick off and/or be full of disablist comments
C. Please don't say "the disabled" Hmm

After all that, surely all that needs to be said is that disabilities vary, levels of care needed vary, and people themselves vary in their attitudes eg kindness so blanket assumptions aren't much good. Someone can be disabled and just be a knob generally, or a nice person just as someone without a disability can be a knob, or nice.

(I want to sing a Christmas song about being knobbish or nice now Wink)

Original poster
woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 17:59

It does if they suffer from memory loss or the stress of it exacerbates their symptoms.

I didn't say that you personally are not a carer. My point is that not all disabled people are incapable of doing admin or have a carer. I.e. if someone says their spouse is disabled do not assume that person is an exhausted carer.

OP posts:
HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 21/01/2020 18:00

Someone can be disabled and just be a knob generally, or a nice person just as someone without a disability can be a knob, or nice

This x 100

Original poster
woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 18:00

You are clearly looking for an argument OP. If you have been abused by a carer please report it.

I said I was disabled. I didn't say I have a carer Hmm Just because I'm disabled it doesn't mean my DH is my carer.

OP posts:
Original poster
woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 18:02

The majority of people with a disability do get a level of support from their partner

The majority of people who are disabled get a level of support from their partner. DH supports me and I support him .Just because someone is disabled it doesn't mean it's a one-way street.

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 21/01/2020 18:02

I’m not fully sure where this hostility is coming from.

But the use of the term ‘the disabled’ really sets my teeth on edge, I think the term ‘carer’ is probably interpreted very differently by the cross-section of people using this site, this is a very odd thread.

Original poster
woodchuck99 · 21/01/2020 18:04

But the use of the term ‘the disabled’ really sets my teeth on edge

Yes, the title should be disabled people.

OP posts:
AllHeart1 · 21/01/2020 18:15

The problem is with the term carer because while some people with disabilities do need a carer in the sense that they require help with personal care which could be given either by a partner or indeed a professional, not every piece of help given to a disabled person should be seen to be done by a carer.

The term has a place but is degrading when referring to all disabled people and the level of help they need.

E.g. if you need to read labels on jars for a blind person doesn’t mean that you’re any more of a carer than if you read them to your partner who happens to have left their glasses in the car but has no significant visual impairment.

If you open doors for someone with manual dexterity/stamina issues you are no more of a carer than if you open doors for your partner because they’ve got their hands full with the shopping/the kids/the dog.

The term carer is being used as a catch-all for every piece of assistance a disabled person might need, and as such that degrades the disabled person in the eyes of most.

I do find it annoying at theatres or theme parks when if you buy a ticket and meet disabled requirements, you can have a free ticket for a 'carer', even though they may never have provided any assistance ever They do this so they don’t have to make reasonable adjustments. It’s a bit of a get-out really.

TabbyMumz · 21/01/2020 18:16

"The majority of people with a disability do get a level of support from their partner".
I wouldnt say "majority", but an awful lot do. Obviously a lot of people have a disability but dont need any care at all.

Dyrne · 21/01/2020 18:34

OP I get why you’ve been moved to post, and it isn’t just about the one thread - there have been a couple of threads recently that have raised eyebrows.

When people who aren’t carers come In and gush all over someone saying how exhausting it must be doing everything for their spouse, and how much of a saint they are; it massively infantilises anyone with a disability. The assumption there is that anyone with a disability is Automatically some sort of massive burden who can’t do anything, when in fact the vast majority of us are just quietly getting on with our lives.

I’m not talking about threads where carers come and vent their frustrations, that’s fair enough, it’s just for some people the only version of “disability” they can imagine is some sort of advanced mobility and neurological issue which requires 24/7 care.

And as for the (thankfully deleted) thread where some posters were tripping over themselves in their haste to assure the OP that of course it was fine to cheat on his disabled wife, and she was probably so dim (because she was disabled ) that she wouldn’t even notice her husband having an affair...