Can you help me learn to be thrifty

[missnotsomoneypenny]

I've name changed so this isn't linked to my usual name. Please be kind, I am not on my arse, nor is this a begging thread. Think of it as how you'd teach your teen child to budget their pocket money.....

Execept... Im 33. Ive cleared off my overdraft which was £400 with some good slogging. I'm proud of that.

I underbudgetted and overspent during Jan forgetting it was a 5 week month and have had to ask my Mum to come to my aid and fill my car with petrol as I get paid Friday and my reserve light was on.

Whilst she was happy to help out, I feel shit because I'm already £60 down (I lent £30 from her over the last 2 weeks) before I even get paid. Fortunately I get a bonus this month which will cover that £60 but it's not the point.

Regardless of rights and wrongs, mine and my husbands finances are separate. That's how we've always been and how we function. As such, I don't talk about my money with him and vice versa. We have a joint account with a chunk of savings in and investments too.

So I guess it's not really a major issue to some but i find myself short at the end of each month.

I get say £1,100 as a salary. from that I take out approx 150 to cover my own direct debits which come from my bank such as car tax, car insurance, fuel. I then take £200 for myself for the month. This money is to do what I like with but more often than not is spent on bits for us as a family (wine, bread, milk etc) and I find myself short.

I often don't have anything to show for the £200 and I would like to get myself out of this cycle I am in.

I'm proud I've cleared my overdraft and would like to nail this spending habit I have.

I may pop to the garage for milk and I will spend £5 on stuff - treats for my son like fruit, and pop for myself.

My husband spends barely anything - he's not tight but just doesn't fritter it like I do. He went to the shop for milk, got milk and 2 small cakes that probbaly came to a total of £2. I would have spent more...

So, if you can help me and lead me in the right direction, I;d be really grateful.

DH and I have a joint bank account, full stop. Our salaries go into it; our direct debits and spending money come out of it.
DH is always amazed that he can do days without spending anything, yet I'm always buying something. (known as "household spending" grrrr).
DH and I have had to talk about finances previously, and how much I spend (did he not understand the 'household spending' bit? ;-) ) but ultimately we are partners in life. What's his is mine and all that.

If I want to go to the cinema, it comes out of 'our' money. Petrol money for his car? 'Our' money. Petrol for my car? 'Our' money. He wants to go to some science conference? 'Our' money. I want to go on some expensive holiday? We discuss it. We can't afford it this year, so we'll discuss a long weekend away somewhere instead. Using 'our' money.

i would spend all my money; DH would save all his. Together we balance each others extremes out.

OP yes you might be embarrassed to talk about your debt, but actually you can be proud about how you managed to pay it off. But you two DO need to talk about your finances.

If you know what you usually run out of, then make sure you include enough of that in the next 2 weekly shop. Do a meal plan that covers all meals, some snacks, and wine then make it your mission not to spend any of your money on family meals.

I'm sure once you're not doing full top ups from your money an occasional chocolate bar won't appear to blow your budget in the same way as it seems to now.

OP I understand what you're getting at I think that it isn't financial abuse. You and DH both go to the shops to top up your food shopping but you end up picking up stuff you don't need whereas your DH only gets the stuff you need. You both have different mindsets when it comes to shopping/money. By your posts your DH actually has less personal spending money every month but still saves.

First thing note down every penny you spend for 2 weeks. I did this many years ago and it was shocking how much I was spending on rubbish. I worked out how much I would have spent in year and that shocked me into stopping spending (for example buying DD a treat cake at £2 a week, I worked out it would £104 a year-this was a lot of money to me then). Once you have a full picture you can choose were to cut back. I'm in a much better position financially and I still do this occasionally when I feel my spending is creeping up again.

Also only take a small amount of cash with you

And (a random one) read the moneysavingexpert forums to pick up tips. But quite often I read them and I found they just motivated me to spend less generally.

You don’t sound like you’re bad with money but it sounds as though a lot of your spending money is going on household things. Download an app like Goodbudget and record everything you buy for a month. This will help you to see where your money is going and if you’re spending more than £60 per month on food shopping from your own money. If you are then the petrol and food isn’t balancing out and you need to discuss changing the budget.

I don't think you've got outrageous spending habits or anything that I would feel I would need to cover up from a DP. Being short of petrol money at the end of a 5-week month after Christmas isn't something you should be ashamed of! It's hardly frittering it away on expensive handbags or betting it all on the horses! Would your partner really be bothered about that, or do you just worry that he would be bothered?

If you don't feel able to discuss debt with your DP, then don't mention it, but I think it is worth having a conversation with DH and saying you are struggling to make your £200 last, otherwise you'll end up back in the same situation again. As PPs have said, make sure that treats & top-ups are from the household budget rather than your spending money wherever possible. A previous poster suggested having a household purse which I think would be a useful tool to stop you dipping into your personal budget for these things.

There is a good book by Kath Kelly called "How I lived for a year on a pound a day". There are some good tips and examples of how to be thrifty in that. Good luck 🍀

I'm all for fiscal independence to a degree, but I think when you marry someone you should be able to be frank about money and support each other.

We have our own accounts and a joint account where all the bills and household expenditure comes from. We each transfer a percentage of our earnings every month to the joint account and that covers all 'joint' expenses, so things for the house, petrol, grocery shop and any top-up shops, things for DD. We've built up a decent surplus in there that will cover any bigger less frequent spends (boiler service, that sort of thing). The money we keep in our own accounts is our own to do with as we please.

We are a team and we look after each other. One of us would never go short and struggle while the other had plenty because that's not how we choose to live. You shouldn't have to hide things from someone you've married.

Anyway, we have Monzo accounts for our personal and joint accounts now and find it really useful for budgeting purposes and seeing where the money is going.

I still don't get this.
Your Dh is controlling your money right? Or is it your choice to put the bulk of your earnings into savings?
You earn 1100
Take out 150 for bills
Take out 200 for top up shops and swimming lessons (your pocket money as you call it)

Where does the other £750 a month go? Into the joint account which it appears you're not allowed to touch without permission?
You say you have a small mortgage because you and dh were able to put a large lump sum deposit down so you don't have big overheads. I guarantee your dh earns triple your wages and you do everything in the home and most of the child work.
Why limp along struggling to pay off your overdraft (out of your pocket money ) or borrowing money when you've tucked most of your earnings away?

I don't talk about money with him and vice versa You need to. You're being forced to live with fuck all to spend on yourself.

I am far from perfect with money (I can go in for a loaf of bread and come out £100 worse off), but I buy everything online and have a supermarket delivery (if delivered there is no 'popping to grab another item'; I am very strict with the amount each week for food (it may increase if we need toilet roll, cleaning products etc) and it has to last us the week. If it doesn't I plan better for the next shop; i have in longlife milk and bread in freezer/part bake bread on standby. I pay at the pump to avoid impulse buys there too and will deliberately go to work without my purse unless I know that I need fuel. This sounds very miserable, it's really not, am just trying to be strict with myself!

He earns less than me. He takes home about 100 less than me a month.

Thats before i dropped to 4 days and decreased my salary by 200 pcm.

We save because thats what weve always done. For a house. Wedding. Baby. Holidays. We dont go without and days out are paid for on the joint acc etc.

Its genuinely just the way it is. Ive always been very private about my finances as has he.

Im sure if i said look i need to fill my tank hed be miffed i was short but it wouldnt be the end of the world. Its just i dont want to swallow my pride and ask.

Does anyone know if you can get an app/card that limits your daily spend? So like i said upthread ill have £166 for myself after swimming and savings. Id like to put a cap so i can only spend £4.77 a day.

Already with monzo and they don't do it.

And no... i dont do nail bars or hair salons. Theyre just not my thing.

He must have felt/read this thread as he came home with wine, sugar, bread, loo roll, flowers and some bits for his lunch tomorrow.

I think i do need to say to him "Oi im not buying this stuff all the time and we need to share the burden."

Have done my shop and put LLife milk in and some loaves. We dont have a lot of freezer space so difficult to have lots of bread in. Stupid freezer design.

Thanks again all.

Well apologies for assuming your dh was earning far more than you OP. I'm shocked he works FT for just 1k a month. That's not even minimum wage is it? He must be extremely careful with money to have a mortgage on that wage, plus savings, investments.

I suppose his frugal attitude has rubbed off on you but you can balance each other out here. He probably should relax on the tight budgeting a little and you can continue to be sensible and save where you can. You have to be able to enjoy life as well as saving!

It might be worthwhile considering allocating part of your savings towards dh retraining/getting further training to better his earnings? I'm sure you've considered that but just a thought.

Are you a trad wife? If you are, let him be stronger in other aspects.
Not judging as I adopt some aspects myself. But this is mad. Not knowing about your finances is ridiculous. Sort it out with the suggestions on here.

He works in retail and due to school can only do 8-3. I do 9-5 4 days a week.

I know precisely what we have in investments. I know precisely what we have in savings.

Ive no idea what a tradwife is.

So excited i have a spreadsheet of my budgetting lol

Just googled tradwife. Fucking hell no.

Ive got a degree, postgrad and experience in my field but stepped back to help my own mental and later on physical health.

I run the household.. i like the control of it. Although when the bin is still full when hes been in for an hour and a half and tea isnt cooked i could kill him.

Yeh, sorry OP. Posted before I read your update.

I keep tins for stuff and take out money for food each week. Not sure if this will help you.
The change I keep in the tins pays for an extra treat.

@Reclaiminglife ah thanks! I must have got that mixed up!

I’ll give the zip zero thing a try though!

Well one way to limit daily spending is to just carry cash? I'm on a tight budget and save a lot by doing my big Tesco shop on a Friday night. That's when our local store put out all the reductions.

As I've said though, I'm unsure why you're both saving so much and trying to live on so little? As long as that is a joint decision I suppose.
For what it's worth, you're not shit with money, you're just comparing yourself to your very cautious money saving husband. It's ok to treat yourself occasionally without guilt.
It's also better to be honest with dh.

Ok, your update definitely changes things then. I'd assumed he earned more than you. It makes more sense now you've explained it. I think you need to talk and be open about things though.

You borrow money off your poor mum when you have savings that’s awful .

I dont get this at all. what a strange set up

My DP was made redundant at the end of last year, so we are trying to be thrifty. He’s managed to get some part-time work while he looks for something “proper”, thank goodness, but our household income is down a lot.

I take cash out every week, and just spend what’s in my purse - I only ever use my debit card online. I was merrily spending loads on coffees, soft drinks, magazines, etc, which would give me a shock when I saw how all those £1.80s mounted up, but I spend more mindfully with actual cash money. I also check my bank app every morning while I eat breakfast.

We have quite a big freezer, so I often pick up “whoops” bits and pieces that can go in there on my way home from work. Things like chicken tend to be really heavily reduced, and that’s something we eat a lot of. I agree with pp re buying the bigger packs of things and batch cooking or freezing. More for convenience re work day dinners than money-saving, but I quite often batch cook stuff, particularly with mince. On Saturday I made a base using one mince, three peppers, two onions, garlic, a punnet of mushrooms, and a couple of tins of tomatoes, which I then divided up, and did half as bolognese and half as chilli. (Added kidney beans, paprika and chilling the chilli, carrots and celery to the bolognese.) That was then portioned off for the freezer. I did a chicken curry at the same time, and we had that on Saturday night, plus another portion for the freezer.

This is a bit of a daft one, but at the end of each day I put any coin under 20p from my purse into a “piggy bank” type thing. Once it’s full it gets transferred into a big jar, and once a year it goes to the bank. Usually there’s about £150 in there. This is a habit leftover from my student days.

OP - you need to fully understand what your spending on. Is it on essentials or just money burning a hole in your pocket?

It’s just odd that you want to find a card that caps your spends at a set amount each day. It suggests that money controls you rather than you control it.

Controlling impulse buying is hard but going to a shop/garage regularly and splurging on drink and snacks is just putting you in the place of temptation regularly.

You can do this, avoid any shopping for the week. Each day that you don’t spend, write it down on a notebook and congratulate yourself as the money builds up. The fact that you want to address things shows you’re up for the challenge. You’ve got this. Good luck.

So with CB you have about £2200 coming in per month. On that level of income, if you're to have things like holidays and also the security of savings and investments whilst paying a mortgage and running two vehicles, you simply can't be doing things like dropping a fiver on nothing much every time you go and buy milk. You need to monitor spending much more closely. An obvious area where there's frittering is food top ups. You need to come up with something that works better.

Spreadsheet is an encouraging start. Many people use apps. Not sure if you've said this yet, have you and DP gone through all bills and checked you're with the cheapest suppliers etc?

You just need to end the current arrangement with your DH. It's mad.

You should have a joint current account etc. You shouldn't be buying joint things using just your money under your current arrangement.

What happens if you have DC? He needs to pay equally for childcare and all the DC's costs. Just get a joint account!

You really shouldn't borrow money from your DM when your own DH has enough money for you both to share! Totally crackers OP.

So with CB you have about £2200 coming in per month. On that level of income, if you're to have things like holidays and also the security of savings and investments whilst paying a mortgage and running two vehicles

Our income is more than that...and we're pretty frugal, run one car and need to budget carefully. I have no idea how on an income of 2k that you are able to save, run two cars and have investments and go on holidays

I don’t get this. You have married, share your life and bed with this guy and yet your ‘pride’ won’t let you ask for some petrol.
You have savings and yet borrow money.
Saving is important but it’s not meant to be to the detriment of your life.
Life is too short for all this hand wringing and faffing.