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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how best to support bi-curious DSD.

43 replies

Greggers2017 · 20/01/2020 05:56

I have an 11 year old DSD. She has been quite moody and easily upset recently which is out of character for her. I háve been asking jf she was ok and if there were problems at school and she has been saying it's fine.
Today she asked to talk to me and got quite upset saying she doesn't understand life and feels like a "freak". When asked why she says because she finds both girls and boys attractive.
Obviously I've told her she is not a freak and there is nothing to worry about. We had a long chat about how everybody is different and how we find different people attractive.
I'm just wanting to know how else I can support her. Any groups or websites people can recommend.
Thanks in advancce.

OP posts:
Namelessshameless · 20/01/2020 06:01

I think it’s great you’re wanting to support her. Maybe the first think you could consider is the use of labels. I’m not sure being labelled as ‘bi-curious’ (or anything) is helpful. Perhaps you could find some examples of famous bisexual/pansexual people (there are lots!) to demonstrate that it’s normal. Maybe people she would find interesting and relevant.

WhoToTell · 20/01/2020 06:01

So sad to hear she feels like a freak :(. I’m not in the uk so am unsure about the best resources for you and her. Just being there to support and reassure her will be a huge help.

I would recommend not callling her bi-curious though. It’s normally more a term used by drunk girls at uni going through an experimentation phase.

InfiniteSheldon · 20/01/2020 06:27

She's 11 totally normal to be attracted to both.

Original poster
Greggers2017 · 20/01/2020 07:30

I haven't used the word bi-curious to her. No not at all. I've just used it on here as couldn't think what else to put.

She's a lovely girl and it saddens me she feels so upset by things that she can't control:

OP posts:
Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 20/01/2020 07:39

Your handling it well. Just let her k ow it’s all normal. There is Allsorts, and Young Stonewall, but there will also be LGBT youth grps in your area if she feels that she needs them. And lots of great YA books now with LGBT characters - if she likes reading Malinda Lo is a great author.

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 20/01/2020 07:39

Agree that at 11 labels are useful or necessary. But does t sound like she’s using them anyway .

Original poster
Greggers2017 · 20/01/2020 07:45

@Wingedserpentfliesbynight thank you for that I'll look into them for her.

If anybody is wondering why I'm dealing with this, she lives with us full time. She does see her mum but she has asked me not to say anything to her just yet.

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 20/01/2020 07:47

Bi-curious isn't the right term to use here - if anything it would be bisexual, but since she's only 11 she might be straight, bi or gay, it's not really possible to tell at such a young age. Try to avoid sticking labels on her, she's too young for that.

ooooohbetty · 20/01/2020 07:49

I wouldn't involve any other organisations at her age. You've done the right thing with what you've said to her. See what happens as she gets older.

Original poster
Greggers2017 · 20/01/2020 07:50

@HavelockVetinari I'm not doing that to her face. I've not given her a label at all. I just posted that here as I'm trying to get the right support for her. This is all new to me so I wanted to get the correct advice for her to help her in the best way possible.

OP posts:
Lordfrontpaw · 20/01/2020 07:52

Don’t go to the groups (stonewall, really?). She is still young and will figure it out as she develops physically and emotionally. We all do.

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 20/01/2020 08:30

I suggested grps more for parents really but yes, if she feels she needs support then I’d course she should look towards local LGBT youth grps.
Going on the Allsorts site isnt going to make her anything other than she already is but she may find it helpful to hear about other young people who have been in her position.
When I was her age I would have given anything to have Access to the kind of resources and support hand that young LGBT people have now.

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 20/01/2020 08:31

I’ve never understood the people on Mumsnet who seem to think Stonewall is some kind of evil entity.

FreedomOf · 20/01/2020 08:33

Just reassure her that there’s absolutely nothing freakish about not having decided whether you like girls or boys or both and that it’s normal to be thinking about these things - it’s a sign you’re growing up and some people don’t discover what they’re into for many, many years. Maybe ask her about the qualities in ‘people’ that she’s drawn to: Creativity? Humour? Physical fitness? Sensitivity? Sociability? And tell her that it’s no one else’s business but her own and never to feel obliged to come out as one thing or the other or label herself because of peer pressure. It’s hard out there these days. There may be this ‘anything goes’ attitude but I think in some instances it’s forcing kids into boxes and in to adopting fixed positions and attitudes before they’ve even developed a sense of what makes them tick or happy. There’s also a pressure to conform by NOT conforming IYSWIM? To state a position. And with girls in particular there’s the pressure to be kind and open to anything hence many declaring they’re ‘pansexual’ because you’re offending and excluding absolutely nobody then! She’s talked to you which is a brilliant start.

bluebluezoo · 20/01/2020 08:37

She’s 11.

That would be my point. She’s 11. She doesn’t have to decide what or who she is, or choose anything anytime soon, if at all.

She barely needs to be choosing her GSCE subjects, let alone who she might want to have sex with!

I’d point out the legal age of consent is 16. And she can wait for years to decide to have sex or not.

She needs to learn who she is first. Encourage her to get to know all sorts of different people, join some clubs, and treat people as individuals rather than who she might want to sleep with.

She isn’t a freak, and she has plenty of time to work it all out.

Anyonewannawoo · 20/01/2020 08:45

I was in the closet for quite a few years with my parents the last to find out.

When I came out to them they were completely fine with it. Something I wasn’t expecting. I respected how they didn’t make it into a big deal.

Could you offer her therapy - someone to talk to outside the family if she’s been feeling down?

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 20/01/2020 09:17

I would caution her to think about who in her friendship grp she shares this with, if she chooses to. It may be entirely normal for an 11 year old to feel like this but few of them would admit to it and homophobic bullying and name calling is rife in our schools.

Lordfrontpaw · 20/01/2020 09:21

Wingedserpentfliesbynight - Stonewall is no longer fit for purpose. They were back in the day, but have become something else.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 20/01/2020 09:27

She's 11. She has a lot of growing up and emotional maturity to do yet, she doesn't need to make any decisions at all about anything other than what to wear etc.

Don't label her, just let her enjoy her childhood because that is what she is.

A CHILD.

3rdchristmaslucky · 20/01/2020 09:28

I was 11 when I realised I was attracted to women. I lost so much sleep because of it.
I honestly believed that I was a lesbian and was going to have a difficult time navigating high school and the like, despite having a supportive family.

I never spoke to anyone about this issue and it continued to be one for me. I became generally anxious and retreated into myself. I self harmed as a teenager a lot too.

It's amazing that she's opened up to you about this. All I can advise is that you keep listening. And reassuring.

The biggest issue with LGBTQ kids is the fact that they feel they can't express themselves. Be her outlet as she learns to understand her feelings and allow her to sound off to you.

Maybe look for a local support group in your area?

Keep doing what you're doing.

Original poster
Greggers2017 · 20/01/2020 09:29

I have just spoken to her head of year. Her and DD12 are both in year 7 at the same school. I had a meeting regarding some issues that DD is having so I brought this up at the end.
She informed me that school has a confidential LGBT+ support group and there is always somebody she can talk to should she feel the need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greggers2017 · 20/01/2020 09:31

@JigsawsAreInPieces I know she's a child and that's what she will be first and foremost but this stage in life is so confusing for them with hormones going wild and things changing in their lives. I want her to know I am taking her seriously and that she can always have somebody to talk to on me.

OP posts:
Clymene · 20/01/2020 09:32

God don't send her to stonewall or allsorts!

hazell42 · 20/01/2020 09:34

I wouldn't do anything else, except let her know that if she wants to talk again, you are happy to talk to her, and that everything she says is ok.
She needs to take this at her own pace

Umyeahnah · 20/01/2020 09:35

I hope your DD gave her permission for you to speak to her head of year. Confused

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