To ask for advice on how best to support bi-curious DSD.

[Greggers2017]

I have an 11 year old DSD. She has been quite moody and easily upset recently which is out of character for her. I háve been asking jf she was ok and if there were problems at school and she has been saying it's fine.
Today she asked to talk to me and got quite upset saying she doesn't understand life and feels like a "freak". When asked why she says because she finds both girls and boys attractive.
Obviously I've told her she is not a freak and there is nothing to worry about. We had a long chat about how everybody is different and how we find different people attractive.
I'm just wanting to know how else I can support her. Any groups or websites people can recommend.
Thanks in advancce.

I would have been horrified if my parent had spoken to school about my incipient sexuality without my consent.

Just tell her it’s ok. Hormones can be a wild and confusing ride. Give her a hug, tell her you are there if she wants to talk and that she is a very normal kid.

Remind her that everyone is different - and give her the ‘not everything is real on social media’ talk.

Lots of people her age feel confused - and I can only assume that nowadays with social media and celebrities discussing these things very openly, it’s probably more confusing that when we were kids.

There seems to be more pressure to pin your colours to the mast much earlier now - before you are ready.

My sister, cousin and niece are gay and they didn’t ‘wonder if...’ by the time they fit to secondary - they knew. But that’s just their experience.

My friend didn’t realise he is gay until he was at university (he lived a very sheltered life but had girlfriends - but didn’t really ‘get’ what the fuss was about).

She knew I was going to speak to her as she has had an issue with a girl in her class recently. I wouldn't have spoken to her otherwise. Her head of year is a lovely woman and would not say anything to DSD unless DSD goes to her first. I just got the information. I didn't even mention it was for my own child I asked if there was any support available.

Among my kids and their peers, it's the norm for girls in particular to have relationships with kids of either sex, without the labels. The whole culture is completely different to when I was a teenager. I think it's likely that your dsd will find this is the case in a few more years, once everyone has gained a bit of maturity.

Yikes - you spoke to her head of year about it - about her confusion and she was ok about this? I think she already knows she can come to you (by way of already opening to you) I would let her guide you for now but agree with everyone else - don’t stick a label on her.

You sound like a very supportive and caring step mum, OP. I'm glad she could talk to you about this and that you are looking for ways to support her.

I didn't come out as bisexual until I was in my 30s and already married with DD. I did label myself as bi-curious in my early 20s when being bisexual was very much not talked about and picking a partner meant picking a "side".

She is 11. She might be bisexual, she might just be going through puberty and realising that people in general are attractive, we don't know. Keep being supportive and I'm very glad the school has a supportive group too. There was nothing like that in my school.

I think the important thing is to tell her it’s fine to be attracted to both. She knows she is attracted to both and 11 is not to young to know that. Plenty of 11 year old know they are attracted to the opposite sex. Just keep on allowing her to explore her feelings with you and tell her it doesn’t matter either way. Sounds like she can come to you with her worries about sex anyway so you are already doing a great job. How lucky to have someone like you, I wish I had that as a child :)

I agree with PP who say keep her away from groups and just reassure her that she’s a totally normal 11 year old. That she probably doesn’t know what job she wants to do either, she can decide when she’s older. Same for friendships / attraction / sex etc .

Everyone is so keen to sexualise children , please don’t be part of that. You seem very keen to Do Something and I wonder what that is ? is this bringing up some feelings about your own childhood and adolescence @Greggers2017

It’s a shame that you told her teacher, because you breached her confidentially. The only reason to do that is safeguarding and this isn’t about safeguarding.

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@IM0GEN she knew I was going to speak to her head of year. She has permission to go and speak to her head of year due to to previous issues, so she asked me to mention what she'd said, just so we could find out what support may be available to her.
No issues from my own childhood but my cousin, who I am very close too has always said how she wishes she had been able to talk to someone when she was younger. She was always encouraged to keep quiet. She does not know what DSD has told me.
I haven't even discussed this with her dad as she asked me not too. I have not broken her confidentiality at all.

You sound like a great parent, sensible and supportive. I have so many friends who are essentially estranged from their families because of their sexuality, and I'm including 'younger' friends who grew up with LGBT rights and representation everywhere and who are from the generation where parents/families were supposed to be more accepting,.
She'll figure it all out for herself eventually.

I’m a lesbian op, but I lived in a ‘heterosexual’ relationship for 14 years, mostly because I felt weird and not right about being attracted to the same sex. I wish I could have had honest conversations with my family sooner it would have saved a lot of heartache. Even though it’s outwardly ok to be lgbtq the reality is people are still prejudiced. I think you are doing a really great thing for your step daughter.

Young Stonewall could be a fantastic resource for your DSD - have a look for yourself and decide.

(MN regrettably harbours a prurient interest in transphobia which is the likely root of this disgruntlement with Stonewall who are supportive of trans people's rights)

This is stonewall's definition of Bi (bisexual isn't in the glossary because they don't like the word sex). There is no way that's remotely helpful to an 11 year old girl. It's not even helpful to me as an adult.

Bi is an umbrella term used to describe a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards more than one gender.
Bi people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including, but not limited to, bisexual, pan, queer, and some other non-monosexual and non-monoromantic identities.

To question stonewall is not transphobia. . Their focus may have gone very much towards the T - but they are not an organisation that is above questioning. They didn’t use to be like that.

I don't see anyone here who is against trans people having rights, unless they conflict with the rights of women and girls. It's about safety, protections based on biological sex, privacy and more.

I really appreciate everybody's advice. You've given me things to think about. I have seen there are some support groups local to me so I will use them for myself if I
Feel the need.

The child needs to know that an adult they trust is on their side and that they can talk to them. Also keep a wee eye on the social media they follow and any chat rooms.

I knew at 11 that I was bisexual. My mum didn't want to hear it and wasn't happy when i was dating a woman. I am now married to a man so she considers it a phase. What I wanted really was someone to talk to who wouldn't push me one way or another. It was confusing, but improved when a few other girls in my year came out as gay or bisexual as I then knew i wasn't alone. This was in the 90s. Just continue to offer an open door to her and be ready to point her towards support if needed.