Disabled husband, 3 kids

[LdnRed99]

Disabled husband and 3 kids...

My husband was born with a condition which is degenerative and recently he has started using a wheelchair. He is looking to buy a new one that can be folded down to take about with us. Whilst we are the getting a hoist for our car there may be times we don't have a hoist available and he is expecting me on those occasions to lift the chair in and out of the car. I already have shoulder problems from lifting our double pram in and out of our boot (we have a 5 year old girl and identical twin boys at 10 months).

Am I being unfair telling him I won't be doing that ever and he can use an adapted taxi instead should that situation arise?

Please vote and comment...I'd love to know why you answered the way you did

Surely he gets PIP though? That’s non means tested and as others have said, the mobility component can be used to fund a suitable vehicle.

That’s not the main point though. OP is completely exhausted and frankly, that turns the best of us into worse versions of ourselves, not saints.

To reframe her narrative maybe it helps to see that she hates this situation rather than her DH? Disability can also make people quite difficult and bloody minded ( I know this, I have a disability) which can add to the carer’s frustration.

Look into some additional help OP. Maybe some childcare to give you a break. Double check you are getting all the help you can. HomeStart May be able to help a little. Ask your HV for help on this.

It's with the children that the OP's mum helps out, not with her husband's care. That's clear in the 07:43 post because at weekends her DH does the things her mum does in the week but this is very tiring for him and leaves him wiped out on Mondays.

It doesn't have to be for his care. The DH is not allowed have his parents over to help him look after his children at the weekends which leaves him wiped out on Mondays. This is despite the fact that he has to put up with OP's mother during the week even though he doesn't like her because that helps OP.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras he works and takes taxis, it doesn't sound as though he's trapped in the house or unable to visit his parents at all!

It's a hard situation for all involved but weird that so many people are trying to create a passive victim out of someone just because they have a physical disability!

That’s not the main point though. OP is completely exhausted and frankly, that turns the best of us into worse versions of ourselves, not saints.

The worst version shouldn't be an abusive version though. There are limits and just because someone is a carer doesn't mean they can take out their frustrations on other people.

For all those that are sticking the boot into the mother of three very young children, who is the sole cared for her disabled husband, have any of you any PRACTICAL suggestions? Other than booing, hissing and throwing verbal rotten tomatoes, at the OP, what do you think she should do other than suck it up?

*soul carer

Just wanted to say it sounds like you've so much on your plate, it must be exhausting, I don't think it's unreasonable to care about and priotise your own health, so many depend on you if your shoulder gets worse than it will scupper everything.
Your DH is probably a bit depressed about his condition getting worse and the reality must be hitting you too. Does he need a specific wheelchair or could he manage with a alternative lightweight one when hoist is unavailable? Hope you find a solution soon , once your DC are older it will get easier but youve a lot in your plate right now x

You need to prioritise your own health, back and shoulder.

woodchuck99 it depends who is being helped. Childcare help is support for both parents equally in theory, but Monday to Friday it is the OP and her mother doing the child care tasks by the sound of it.

At weekends it's not the OP's husband and a grandparent, it's the OP and her husband.

Why should the op have to do the childcare with her in-laws, with whom she has a difficult history?

If the in-laws were going to do the OP's share alongside their son, sure, but that isn't likely as childcare is exhausting for him.

It must be hard for the OP's husband to have her mother there, but that's during the working week and he does work, as does OP. Weekends are time off work when having adults you have a difficult relationship with in the house is even more concentrated, and intense.

Obviously he should see his parents as he wishes but the OP shouldn't have to do childcare alongside them if she'd still be doing childcare and they'd take on their sons share.

Some of these messages are harsh & written by people who appear to have no experience of being long term carers.
I have been a carer for many years, that is precisely why I think the op’s attitude is disgusting.

Nobody’s saying op isn’t in a hard place but imagine being in a wheelchair and being threatened with a care home, I would imagine ops husband is probably on the receiving end of more vitriol than op will admit to

Surely his parents will have quite a bit of understanding about this disease as he was I presume a child / teenager when diagnosed, did they think you weren’t going to be the best person to look after him?

do your children have any chance of getting this condition?

It must be hard for the OP's husband to have her mother there, but that's during the working week and he does work, as does OP. Weekends are time off work when having adults you have a difficult relationship with in the house is even more concentrated, and intense.

She is actually living there though so is not just their while he is at work. Maybe OP does need the extra support with her children but it seems quite unreasonable that he should have to put up with his mother-in-law if it helps OP when she won't put up with his mother to help him. She wouldn't necessarily have to do childcare with his parents. Maybe just taking one of the children out would help.

their there

OP when did you last have a few hours off? By which I mean out of the house, away from the family and doing something completely away from it all?

Possibly also ask for this to be moved to a topic where you won't be jumped on by people who would all have known better, done better and been better without having a single constructive suggestion.

Am I being unfair telling him I won't be doing that ever and he can use an adapted taxi instead should that situation arise?

I think YABU. In sickness and in health and all that. Unless you physically can't do it. Not doing it, on principal, which is how your op sounds, is U.

He has bad muscles that cause him pain all the time and his constant huffing and puffing each time he gets up off a chair is really hard to listen too for everyone around him

Surely this isn't serious???

I think this is the worst thing I've ever read on here.

Is it abusive to actively forbid or stop your 18 year old leaving home - in most circumstances, yes. Is it abusive not to want them to? Of course not!

It depends how you show that "not wanting them to" though doesn't it? Just because you don't actively forbid something doesn't mean that you aren't exerting coercive control such that they feel that they can't choose the option of what is right for them for fear of your reaction.

@C8H10N4O2 I don't think OP is being jumped on by everybody at all. Some of us are just a bit concerned that her attitude and some of the things she has said to her DH. It's great that your full of empathy for OP but what about some empathy for her DH? First he has to suffer becoming disabled and then he has to deal with a wife who is increasingly irritated with him over it and is not exactly keeping it herself.

I'm sure it is very tiring looking after twins but if during the week her five year old is at school is at school, her DH is at work and her mother is living with them to help her I'm not sure why you assume getting a few hours off is impossible.

your you're

I'm not sure why you assume getting a few hours off is impossible

I haven't, I asked when it last actually happened. OP is also working as well as being responsible for pre-school/school age children and the running of home and family with the DH unable to provide much help.

Nor has the OP said that she expresses her frustration to him directly. Presumably she can't even think the thoughts?

It's great that your full of empathy for OP but what about some empathy for her DH?

Its not helping her DH if her physical and mental health fails and its the DH pushing her to manage more physically than she can at the moment.

The best help anyone can provide the DH at the moment is to help the OP because otherwise she will become another carer statistic needing health care.

he works and takes taxis, it doesn't sound as though he's trapped in the house or unable to visit his parents at all!

How do you know all of the other factors though that would affect this? Is he physically up to travelling to his parents house? How far away are they - maybe not within commutable distance using a taxi, particularly as op says that money is tight. She also says that he's often left bed bound so maybe he would like his parents to visit when he is in that position? Is it likely that going forward he will be entirely bed bound or unable to travel anywhere independently? Will his parents still be banished? I don't think it's unreasonable for anyone to want their parents to be able to visit them in their own home, let alone a person with disabilities who finds difficulty already in exerting themselves. If caring for babies over a weekend leaves him too unwell to work on the Monday I'm guessing that he's likely to find visiting relatives tiring too?

I don't think that it is right that a man who is clearly very unwell should have to exert himself further by travelling just to see his parents because his wife won't let them visit him.

Nor has the OP said that she expresses her frustration to him directly. Presumably she can't even think the thoughts?

Yes she has. She's told him that if he can't stop making silly mistakes (whatever they may be) that they'll all leave and he's threatened with going into a care home.

Really if it’s a once in a blue moon thing a taxi might be a lot more practical than the OP ending up with a pulled muscle n unable to help with the kids for atleast a few days. He’ll obviously need some form of power chair if it’s muscle degeneration, she can’t push a double buggy and a wheelchair if he’s physically exhausted so a super light weight 5kg chair isn’t really the silver bullet.

The only other thing I could even remotely think of was a scooter, obviously that depends on his physical health but I’m unsure if the lighter travel models would be any easier in n out the car. Or if on holiday they could be used for shorter outings without the car at all.

Frustration and exhaustion can come across as a really nasty reaction but unless you’re living it you’ll never fully know.

@LdnRed99
Would this be suitable for him?
livewelltoday.co.uk/mobility/mobility-scooters/folding-mobility-scooters.html
my neighbour has one and I’ve fitted it in my boot, I drive a prius: small boot, it’s easy to fold and very light, less cumbersome than a wheelchair.

Forgot to add there are others that disassemble and are very light to lift.