Teacher DH and after school childcare

[goteam]

Currently in a frustrating situation. I got a promotion before Christmas for a rare 3 day a week senior manager job at work. I was ready for it as have been there 5 years but the new role involves more meetings and less home based flexible work. This is fine, there is after school provision for DC (5 and 7) but since I started the kids have had one illness after another, hand foot and mouth, cold virus, D&V bug, ankle fracture requiring hospital visits and while some of this was over Christmas where DH could help, there have been GP and hospital visits, most of which I have been able to arrange on my days off but not always.

But here's the thing. DH runs an after school sports club one day a week after school which means he isn't home until 6.30. DC with the broken ankle has had two non changeable hospital visits on this day with more to come and DH isn't even considering stopping this afterschool club. He isn't paid extra and admirably doesn't want to let the kids down or the parents who use it for free childcare (fair enough, you would wouldn't you?!) AIBU to expect that since he is often home late anyway ther evenings due to parents evening etc, he stops running this club as valuable as it is for kids in a deprived borough and focus on support at home? I have been doing a job below my ability and qualification level for 5 years so I could be with the kids more and support him doing a job he lives but I feel the extra curricular stuff takes the proverbial a bit.

I do have 2 week days off so not sure if aibu but term time drop offs and pick ups are completely down to me.

Last week on the day DH runs the club I was rushing back from hospital via 2 buses with a child on crutches to get the other one from after school club in time after our hospital appointment ran an hour over and I just think ffs, there are 2 parents here, why isn't DH prioritising us, especially after my promotion and this run of illness and injuries....

I’m confused if the club is on a day you don’t work what the appointment clash is

I think your dh enjoys the club and finds it fulfilling so I think you need to leave that and see what he can do on other days. Have him pick up one day a week

Thanks rookie the taxi queue was long, 20 minute wait on the app and there was a bus right there which does go all the way home except it did the inexplicable London bus thing where it changed destination and stopped early so we had to get another. Traffic was just bad as it was rush hour. Just unfortunate but would have been a lot less stressful if the other parent was picking my child up rather than us!

Okay I now understand. Your non working day, hospital appointment with one DC, tricky to predict if you can get to other DC in time without getting an ulcer! On day when you have unavoidable commitments, DH should rearrange the club giving notice in plenty of time to the pupils. Eg a week ahead to allow parents to plan. I don't think DH should give up the club but I think you need a tough conversation about responsibilities and planning. We used to diary plan for the month ahead then check on sundays if stuff had changed. We both had FT jobs, mine more senior but I always ended up doing the run around

As the club is not on one of your working days I would think it a little unfair for him to give it up completely but maybe once for one of the appointments. I do think though that you might need to buy in more help. A uni student or sixth former might be able to collect the dc one afternoon a week so the dc can chill out at home, do some homework, and you know that you have some flexibility. This might mean breakfast club one morning a week.

Unless you have no working parents in your team though don't you think 10am is a good time for team meetings? If you move it to 9am then you are passing the same stress on to others.

Depends on the school. Most schools expect a teacher to run at least one after school club for free. It's expected. I do after school boosters and lunch clubs for no extra pay. It's a pain in the arse and means I pay more childcare myself but as a pp said, it's expected and it's evidence towards whole school progress that you must show to progress up scale now that automatic scale progression is a thing of the past.

Thanks soover I actually managed to convince DH to cancel the club for the next hospital appointment in two weeks. Gives plenty of notice I think.

I think I am fair. I think I have been too accommodating actually, from the when they started school sorting out our kids school bags each day, PE kits, clubs etc etc allowing DH to think he had the time to do extras at work. Maybe if he had been more active in that side of planning he would have felt too busy to do another late evening on top of the existing ones. DH doesnt even know which days they do PE etc!! Was the same when they were in nursery, I sorted nappy bags etc each day, even on my office days. I have kind of enabled him to take a back seat with planning for our kids. I guess a proper discussion is in order.

I'm a teacher and DH is a lecturer and we've had many discussions like this over the years. What works for us is I have two days when I can stay after school to do things and I only arrange clubs on those days. If we have a genuine clash then we use a friend's adult son to do school pick up. I also make use of taxis from time to time.

As a teacher, you do have to push back with your employer when they are asking you to do things outside core hours. Me staying an hour unpaid can easily turn into £15 extra childcare. But that doesn't sound like your DH's problem - as you say, sounds like he's getting his exercise in.

However, if he covers most of the school holidays without complaint, that's pretty good!

phyney holidays are easier but they are only a quarter of the year and I take my hols then too so DH only really has 8 weeks where he has more responsibility than me for childcare. Also, in my previous job I was home based most of the time so he never had it too hard!! I did often choose to go into the office to get more work done but it was low pressure for him.

But yes, I see non-teacher friends and their own logistical issues with school holidays and realise we are lucky.

So much depends on how you have the various conversations, too. It sounds as if you love being the "fixer" - the one who manages everything, packs the bags, volunteers for all the school fairs, helps in your child's school on one of your days off, etc. So do you play that role in conversations with your DH too?

For example, in your situation, I'd say to DH (also a teacher) - "DS1 has his hospital appointment on Thursday so I won't be able to collect DS2 from school on that day, I'm afraid." And then wait for his response - if it's "Well, I have chess club and won't be home in time to pick him up so you'll have to", I'd reply, "Well, I can't, so what solution do you propose?"

When he tells you he can't do it, do you then require him to contribute to the solution of the problem, or do you just huff and accept that it'll all fall to you again?

I can't believe people are telling OP to suck it up because she would affect the child care arrangements of the parents in the club

Fuck other parents, you and DH should do what's right for your family, OP.

theonly that pretty much was the conversation and I did ask him for a solution and he said "can't such and such collect him?" (Busy working mum of DS2 best friend with 3 kids of her own to collect). I was just surprised that his first suggestion wasn't to cancel the club and that I'm having to suggest it like I'm bring unreasonable and it isn't the obvious answer. Collect your own child. Seems obvious.

highonpot thanks!! This is what DH said. Not fair on the other parents. Meanwhile here I am not sleeping due to the stress of the last 6 weeks....

I think I am fair. I think I have been too accommodating actually, from the when they started school sorting out our kids school bags each day, PE kits, clubs etc etc allowing DH to think he had the time to do extras at work. Maybe if he had been more active in that side of planning he would have felt too busy to do another late evening on top of the existing ones. DH doesnt even know which days they do PE etc!! Was the same when they were in nursery, I sorted nappy bags etc each day, even on my office days. I have kind of enabled him to take a back seat with planning for our kids. I guess a proper discussion is in order.

Exactly this. If the club is on your non working day merely cancelling the one that has the appointment is sufficient and then he can continue with it because its fine.

But the other stuff needs addressing. I think your guilt at having 2 days off has led to this. A proper discussion and rearranging needs doing

Are you still spending one of your days off work helping at your children's school? That seems a bit and unnecessary commitment when you've been promoted and you're stressed out time-wise.

Expecting him to permanently cancel club while you continue helping at dc school for a full day seems a bit much. His, although unpaid and 'voluntary' (its really not in schools - no hope of promotion or getting a job in a different school without 'going the extra mile') is work, whereas yours is truely voluntary and not related to work.

Bit = big commitment

things I'm stopping the volunteering in DC school at Feb half term. Wanted to give notice. That's the thing I realise schools rely on both parents and teachers for unpaid work but I'm stepping down. My kids school is also in a deprived area and has been subject to cuts.

I think the other thing that could be up for discussion is how much your DH works at school, and how much he brings home to do once the children are in bed.

As I have always been 'the picker up from after school care' - obviously except for specific pre-arranged evenings such as parents' evening or twilight InSETs - I have always left earlier brought work home. Childless colleagues work later at school, and take no work home.

So something you could do is make DH 'in normal charge' of picking up from after school care on the two evenings that you work and he doesn't have the club. Yes, if he has a departmental meeting for an hour after school, that may well mean he has to leave exactly at the end of the meeting, and yes, that means he will have to work in the evening at home. But if that means you can work that little bit later without worry, that should be a compromise you can live with.

Talking to colleagues who went from childless to having children while still teaching (I only trained once my own children were school age), this was one of the biggest accommodations that they had to make - they couldn't 'clear all their work' before leaving the building. However one of the (few) perks of the teaching workload / timetable is that (in most schools), it doesn't matter where those extra hours are done as long as they are done, because planning, marking etc can be home-based. However it does take a change of mindset that may need negotiation between you, especially if you are used to him 'being off duty' once he reaches home.

Thanks cantkeep DH does planning and marking each evening too after the kids have gone to bed. That's on top of the 2/3 later evenings. I think we are going to discuss him doing at least one collection from after school club.

Making him responsible for one after school pick up is a great idea. I only got DH involved in the week when I took a promotion when DS was 10, and by then it felt like it was too late. Apart from anything else you get their chat about their day on those school journeys and both parents should be able to experience that.

Teaching is a big workload, especially for the pay. Does he teach in a deprived school? I think it's great he volunteers his time to allow the children a chance to get involved in sport, it could be the only chance that they get. I appreciate this is frustrating and unfair on you though and you need to figure out what's best. Seen as though he can do marking etc in the evenings, can he help more on other days so that you feel less put upon?

To be honest I think that you have the perfect set up (3 days a week, interesting job, no holiday childcare to worry about) and it's just unlucky that all these issue have arisen in quick succession. In normal circumstances I think it will work really well for you. Hopefully your DC will be back to full health soon!

Do you not have a friend or family member you can ask for a favour in an emergency? I do think you are being a little unreasonable. It's just unfortunate you have had a series of unfortunate events since you started the new job. Hopefully it will settle down soon.

The world won't end because he had to take time out to look after his own child one day a week for a few weeks. Why have the stress if it can be avoided Technically he gets paid from 9-3, everything else is for free. Nobody else would work for 5hrs unpaid per day.

At my school, we all do one club after school-obligatory, one late meeting after school-obligatory, but these aside, I could leave pretty much with the kids except for Parents’ Evenings. Trouble is, that still leaves me late for pick ups unless the dc’s school is right next door.

Technically he gets paid from 9-3

To be fair, that's not the case. A teacher has 1265 hours of 'directed time' per year, spread over a maximum of 195 days, 190 of which can be contact days.

As that is closer to 6.5 hours a day, and lunch break is not included (nor, IIRC is break unless on break duty), a teacher is not paid from 9-3. If a school day starts at 8.45 and ends at 3.15, with a lunch break of 1 hour (all fairly normal timings), then the teacher is paid for directed time from 8.45 until 4.15 pm, for every school day and for every INSET ...or for example those extra '1 hours' can be collected up into staff meetings, parents' evenings etc.