Teacher DH and after school childcare

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Currently in a frustrating situation. I got a promotion before Christmas for a rare 3 day a week senior manager job at work. I was ready for it as have been there 5 years but the new role involves more meetings and less home based flexible work. This is fine, there is after school provision for DC (5 and 7) but since I started the kids have had one illness after another, hand foot and mouth, cold virus, D&V bug, ankle fracture requiring hospital visits and while some of this was over Christmas where DH could help, there have been GP and hospital visits, most of which I have been able to arrange on my days off but not always.

But here's the thing. DH runs an after school sports club one day a week after school which means he isn't home until 6.30. DC with the broken ankle has had two non changeable hospital visits on this day with more to come and DH isn't even considering stopping this afterschool club. He isn't paid extra and admirably doesn't want to let the kids down or the parents who use it for free childcare (fair enough, you would wouldn't you?!) AIBU to expect that since he is often home late anyway ther evenings due to parents evening etc, he stops running this club as valuable as it is for kids in a deprived borough and focus on support at home? I have been doing a job below my ability and qualification level for 5 years so I could be with the kids more and support him doing a job he lives but I feel the extra curricular stuff takes the proverbial a bit.

I do have 2 week days off so not sure if aibu but term time drop offs and pick ups are completely down to me.

Last week on the day DH runs the club I was rushing back from hospital via 2 buses with a child on crutches to get the other one from after school club in time after our hospital appointment ran an hour over and I just think ffs, there are 2 parents here, why isn't DH prioritising us, especially after my promotion and this run of illness and injuries....

I just think you're focusing on the wrong thing. He absolutely should be able to do some pick ups on days where he doesn't have after school meetings, and commit to doing this every week for at least one or two of your working days. That's a total reasonable thing to insist upon. Asking him to stop running a club on a day that you don't even work - which is what you said you wanted upthread - isn't.

I'm also married to a teacher and it has some cons for juggling childcare but it has a lot of pros, too.

I think YABU to ask him to stop it altogether. As PP have said, in many schools it is an expectation that teachers will do this, and he won't be the only one with children to get home to. It might not be as simple as moving it to another night either depending on the school calendar and availability of facilities. I do think that with reasonable notice, he could cancel some sessions though, if there is nobody to cover him.

It's not clear from your posts why he isn't getting home until 6.30pm when presumably the club is finished by 4.30/5pm? Is this because of the commute time? If not, could he agree that on the Monday night he leaves asap once the club has ended and goes in a bit earlier on Tuesday morning to get his lessons set up? I have to do this to collect my son from nursery one day each week and while there are 20 things I could probably be doing in my classroom, my son needs to come first.

Thanks cantkeepaway my youngest is a bit of a homebody and I feel he does enough with the 3 after school clubs as it is. Each child is different but that's just him. I do use the school holidays to do long office days and catch up but also try to take my own annual leave in the school hols too. Sadly as a non teacher I dont get 13 weeks but 5 so have 8 weeks where I can work when DH looks after the kids.

I think our work life balance is generally fine. I think I'm just slightly resentful at the moment that I am carrying this extra pressure of the kids being poorly, moving work things around where possible and DH isn't cancelling this club. His manager never asked him to do it, he volunteered. He does lots of extra stuff at school anyway such as lunch clubs etc.

I think YABU sorry. It sounds shit at the moment with illnesses etc but things like an ankle fracture should be very unusual so asking him to stop doing this forever does seem a bit harsh. Also why were you on the bus with a child on crutches, could you not have driven or got a taxi? I assume that he does all childcare on the 13 weeks he is off and you dont have to do much these days? Now you have a promotion could you make more use of breakfast or after school clubs?

You wouldnt be unreasonable to tell him you are going to be doing more work events in the evenings so some days when he isn't doing his club he will have to return early. You also wouldnt be unreasonable to ask him to get some back up for his club (though that will mean him being back up for someone elses club) to cover for example if you were ill

Your DH is not being fair to you or your DCs.

I work fulltime in a primary school. Every teacher and teaching assistant in my school, and my previous schools have to take sick days to deal with their own children. Part of being parents. Male and Female staff alike.

Your DH needs to do more when you can't get the appointments to fall on your non working days, and he has to take his share of sick days as well. Tell him that's the way the world works when you have children, and he has to actually be there for his own when they need him, too.

Don't accept 'no' or 'I just can't.' He can. He doesn't want to.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think I am just stressed at the minute as all this illness has come as I started a new role!

so have 8 weeks where I can work when DH looks after the kids

I feel he does enough with the 3 after school clubs as it is

Which is great - so rather than 'never being able to set meetings before 10', you 'prefer not to have meetings before 10 in term time, because you would prefer your younger child not to go to before school childcare 3 days a week. That is your choice - not your DH's fault. You don't get to be resentful to your DH for your choice.

It is my choice cantkeep but a choice predicated on the needs of my child to have a longer morning at home for his own wellbeing. I work around that BUT I am lucky that I have so.e flexibility with my job.

Some flexibility that should say

Having taught for many years in many different schools I can honestly say I know very few teachers who consistently leave work that late. If he really wants to there's nothing to stop him taking marking, planning etc home and doing it there. I think given the circumstances be isn't much of a 'partner' and I'd be pretty pissed off to be honest!

He does that too mummy! The staying late is for departmental meetings and other stuff. Parents evenings etc. Its not always twice or three times a week but it can be during busy times but I'm keeping everything going with the pick-ups etc.

I definitely agree that it doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight - unless you live more than an hour from his school (and if so, why?) I can't believe he can't do any pick ups - and he may need to adjust his mindset, especially if he's used to you having the less 'big' job. Before we had DS DH would always stay at work to get everything done so he didn't have to bring anything home. That was a luxury that ended with DS, because now I do nursery pickup three days a week and he has to do the other two. It's non-negotiable.

Yep I have plenty of friends who are teachers who manage to fit picking up far more than he does.

I am guessing he is part of the senior leadership team and doesnt want to rock the boat but now you have a new job he has too

Sitting down I think and having a good chat about sorting it out so that he takes some of the slack

I'm a teacher so the other side. I can't do drop off as we don't use before school care as my husband works flexi time and it works. I can't do it as I start at the same time as my students! If he has an early meeting - generally he arranges them not to we ask our childminder to help out or we have a couple of friends who would do so.

I am responsible for all after school care - I have a childminder till 6pm 3 days a week. The only time we have to switch is for parents consultations.

Sounds like you need to be more of a partnership in terms of childcare. I moved to a school 10 mins away from home to make my end of the deal a lot easier - its going to get worse as the kids pick up extra curricular activities etc!

Thanks noodle his school is far away and I think he does need to move to one closer at some point but he is very attached to it and his colleagues etc. I think with Christmas, illness and all the rest we haven't properly thrashed out how my new job commitments will impact his working hours and we definitely need to.

Don't you have a friend or relative who can help. My ds has a rare genetic disease and missed enormous amounts of school for illness and doctors. I had a friend whose ds also had medical issues and we would take turns doing pickups. So if her ds needed to come home from school early on a day that she was working (neither of us worked full time), then I would do the pickup and vice versa. And every once in awhile we'd do non-crucial (ie parents have to be there) doctors appointments for each other too.

It does sound as if you never wanted him to do that club for the pupils and are using the current two or three appointments as another reason to get him to stop. Possibly tied up with not feeling he's recognised your promotion/hours of work as well. But I don't think the medical appointments are a good issue to use as a basis for discussion because they are temporary.

I hope you can sort something out though, OP, because you do sound really fed up.

sofia we do but I dont like to ask as after school club finishes at 6 and frazzled parents and kids just want to get home.

Before my new job we had the perfect work life balance of a teacher with school holidays off and a part timer working 3 non stressful days often from home but then I got this new job and the balance changed and we just need to work it out.

Thanks chic I honestly didn't mind him doing the club when I was in my old role but the balance has shifted now and i am more senior and am going to be expected to be a bit more flexible and I just think, the hospital appointments have highlighted that childcare is still all on me for term time. That will have a knock on effect on opportunities I can take up for my job.

DH doing this club is for nothing other than selfless reasons but it is still a regular weekly commitment that I have to work around. I DO have my day off though and appreciate that.

I think YANBU.
I'm a full time teacher/head of dept, with a DD 9. I love my job, and yes it's very all-encompassing in term time but my own family comes first and that's that - I feel no guilt about that. DH is full time too with a little bit of flexibility so he does 3 morning drop offs, and I do 2, getting me into school 10 mins before my pupils but that's just the way it is.
I generally have one lateish (5ish) night a week, other days I leave between 4 and 430. I wouldn't leave DH to do all the pick ups, making dinner, homework, dealing with DDs grotty after school whingyness, that wouldn't be fair on him.
I do my marking/planning/everything once DD in bed at 9 until midnight usually. It works for us but I know it might not for others.
Sometimes we need to remind each other of what's fair, sometimes DH does more in terms of housework and childcare when I'm chockablock but then he gets 13 weeks a year when he only has to get himself to work and not worry about anything else.

I don’t think getting him to drop the club will actually help you with how you’re feeling about balancing work and home that much given it’s on your day off anyway. It sounds like it would be more beneficial for you if he was to commit to leaving on time and picking up from afterschool club once or twice a week so you don’t have to feel pressured to leave work and rush home.

Get an au pair or babysitter to help you out .

Myself and DH are both teachers and we manage to juggle childcare responsibilities between us. There is no reason, even with a club that DH shouldn’t be able to pick DC up from any form of wrap around care (which usually finish at 5.30/6?)

We manage it with 2 at nursery and both working full time whilst committing to a club each and an evening of meetings, plus an evening of GCSE/alevel intervention. It works for us and DC are often picked up by 4.30/5 and any extra work is done once they go to bed.

I think your DH is pulling a fast one! Teachers can make it work

I'm in a similar situation with a club and it's the reason I don't charge, so if these occasions come up I can cancel ( with plenty of notice obviously).

Is he on the upper pay scale? The school I worked at required anyone on UPR to run an extra curricular to stay on. So, while it wasnt technically paid or part of the contract, it might affect his pay progression uf he doesnt do it.