Teacher DH and after school childcare

[goteam]

Currently in a frustrating situation. I got a promotion before Christmas for a rare 3 day a week senior manager job at work. I was ready for it as have been there 5 years but the new role involves more meetings and less home based flexible work. This is fine, there is after school provision for DC (5 and 7) but since I started the kids have had one illness after another, hand foot and mouth, cold virus, D&V bug, ankle fracture requiring hospital visits and while some of this was over Christmas where DH could help, there have been GP and hospital visits, most of which I have been able to arrange on my days off but not always.

But here's the thing. DH runs an after school sports club one day a week after school which means he isn't home until 6.30. DC with the broken ankle has had two non changeable hospital visits on this day with more to come and DH isn't even considering stopping this afterschool club. He isn't paid extra and admirably doesn't want to let the kids down or the parents who use it for free childcare (fair enough, you would wouldn't you?!) AIBU to expect that since he is often home late anyway ther evenings due to parents evening etc, he stops running this club as valuable as it is for kids in a deprived borough and focus on support at home? I have been doing a job below my ability and qualification level for 5 years so I could be with the kids more and support him doing a job he lives but I feel the extra curricular stuff takes the proverbial a bit.

I do have 2 week days off so not sure if aibu but term time drop offs and pick ups are completely down to me.

Last week on the day DH runs the club I was rushing back from hospital via 2 buses with a child on crutches to get the other one from after school club in time after our hospital appointment ran an hour over and I just think ffs, there are 2 parents here, why isn't DH prioritising us, especially after my promotion and this run of illness and injuries....

That's teaching for you - another reason I left the profession! Although you don't get paid for it, there is very often an expectation as a teacher that you run at least one after-school club.

I remember once telling my old Headteacher it would be very difficult for me to do so as I had two young children and it really didn't go down well at all.

And lots of teachers (at least in primary) often work after school until 5pm or later prepping/planning/marking. Then they go home and start work again after they've had dinner. I know that's what I used to do and it was pretty much the norm.

I get that it's inconvenient for you, and that you and your dc end up frazzled. From your perspective I guess the logical thing would be for him to move his club to one of your non-working days. However - while this would make your life easier it would screw with the childcare arrangements of however many other children are in your dh's club.
Think you just have to suck it up really.

I am a music teacher and have 2 rehearsals plus a parents evening a week. One of the 3 I absolutely have to be at but the other 2 are cancelled if my daughter needs me. Lucky to have childcare, parents and husband with an understanding job but we recognise it's both of our responsibility. My daughter has a fair few medical appointments and therefore last week I cancelled a rehearsal. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

He needs to commit to a couple of days a week he picks the kids up now. It shouldn't be just on the mother to sort childcare drop offs etc. I agree he should drop the club. My husband and I are both teachers we've got childcare but even with that pick ups need to be rearranged with each other all the time with parents nights, meetings and a variety of other things. He needs to explain he's got childcare commitments and most schools will understand that.

You just need to talk to each other and plan for your ‘normal’ weeks & discuss future illnesses etc

But you know, DS might be a home body, but that is something that might need to be ‘tough’ if you want to prioritise your Senior role. I didn’t like being ‘looked after’ after school either, but until I was old enough to go home alone - it was just ‘tough luck’ from when I was 8 (mum had worked evenings until then to be home with us in the day)

Flexible school clubs
Older student
After school nanny
Childminder

They’re all things people often need to use to enable both parents to work🤷🏻‍♀️

But if DH isn’t pulling his weight you need to discuss it and agree what’s going to happen. He might need to choose between another afternoon childcare for DS & dropping something at school to look after DS- but he is ‘allowed’ to make that choice.

I think he needs to give up the club. His kids come first. Running a club is not a requirement of the job. It is great that he offers it but maybe needs to postpone it until DS is better. After School Clubs usually run for a set time about 6 weeks - so maybe he could stop it now without too much upset.

Could he run the club at lunchtime?

Another teachers wife here. You need to sit down and talk about this together now you have a new job. If you are part time I think on your days off you must take responsibility for drop of &pick up. The payback is you have the holidays covered and that's a big one. Did you not consider how child care would work before you took the new job? I know when my kids were younger I had to do drop off. DH work was 45 min away with kids starting at 8.30. School breakfast club started at 8 We agreed he would do 2 pick ups to let me work later but at the start of every year when.we had the school calendar I would arrange leave to finish early if needed on the nights of parents night ect. All school events and hospitals appointments were mine too. Teaching is the most inflexible un family friendly job in the country . Getting time off is very difficult and I say that as an nhs worker who often struggles to get teachers in for important appointments as they cant get time off work without fearing they will loose their jobs. Could it be that if he doesn't run a club his head will think him uncommitted and try to get him out. Can the club run another night. If its primary is the area the club runs used by somebody else at that time? I'm not saying it's right he does do more but you do have to look at it from all aspects.

I'm in a similar position. My husband and i now take turns when our kids get sick. My bosses got really hacked off when my youngest had some bug or other every few weeks. We try to work it around what are our busiest days. He's a teacher and tries to be in for 7 most mornings and he runs his club at lunchtime. Take turn about so that it's only every second week with the view that it's not forever. Your kids come first.

jiggle the finances a bit and tell him to step up and if he doesnt hire an au-pair ( thats what they are called isnt it) to do the pick ups and drop offs and dinners each day, that way you can concentrate on work and only need to worry about the hospital appointments ( and get a vibrator and hes almost redundant)

For five years your career has taken a back seat for the children. Now he won’t even stop an extracurricular, unpaid club to help out. He has children, he needs to parent them, he cannot do everything else as well and since he can’t give up the children he has to give up the club.

Basically, you need different after school care 6pm collection is hard for most parents. have a look for local childminders etc who offer until 6:30, problem solved.

Hmm. I'm on the fence here. My husband is a teacher and I have a senior professional job. I think YABU about the club. He was running it before you got your new job and it was therefore a constraint you knew you had to work around.

YANBU about the split of pickups and drop offs. How long is your DHs commute? Why doe he have to leave at 7? Me and my dh split morning drip offs and he collects the kids from childcare 3 evenings a week as I'm working late that day.

I think you need to have an open conversation about your family needs and what he could pick up. You cant just hope he will notice and change.

Even though his manager hasn’t asked him to run the club, could there be a culture of expectation? That happens quite a lot in education. Plus extra curricular looks great when it comes down to promotion. So he might have his reasons for wanting to keep the club.

That being said, there’s no reason he couldn’t ask for cover or even cancel it on occasion if needed. He won’t be able to duck parent’s eve/open eve because that’ll be in his contract, but he should take responsibility for pick ups when he can and support you in your promotion.

Can he do the club on a different day? One you're not working?

I think, given it's a deprived area that it's very important that your DH is helped to do the club. I'm sure you're aware OP, that for these children, this is probably the only extra-curricular activity they do.

He runs an after school club in a deprived area, on a day you dont work? Sorry, I cant see anything wrong with that. I think your husband is lovely to do that.

@goteam you're not 'lucky' to have 2 days 'off'. Your contract is 3 days. Stop thinking like part time is doing you a favour that's how men grind us down. I used to get so pissed off by colleagues telling me how lucky I was to have my weekend start on a Thursday. It didn't. I got paid Monday - Wednesday and as a result earned less money, was reducing my ability to pay into my pension etc etc. Part time with kids is hard.
You need a sit down with DH and say it isn't working how you are both trying to carry on as before so radical rethink needed. Get his sports clubs moved to a day you don't work. Get an equal load on hospital/ sick kids/ etc so you are not so put upon. In general women do all the thinking and planning around child care and housework, you have taken this on without thinking ( not all men but most)

He should cancel the clubs and sort his own dc out.
Otherwise he should swap the day doggedly to a day when you are not working.

It's one day a week. YABU.

Sooverthemill is right you both benefit from you working 3 days and need to stop feeling guilty
I tend to think the club and appointments is just unfortunate but he needs to step up and help

Thanks all. The club is on a day I don't work and I was happy to work around it. It's just the unwillingness to consider cancelling it now my career has stepped up. The illnesses have brought it to light. And as pp have pointed out, my career has taken a back seat since we had kids and I have facilitated his career by picking everything up.in term time. For my two kids I have been to every assembly, parents evening, most trips, helped run every school fair etc etc. Plus worked hard enough in my job to get promoted when part timers rarely do (at my place anyway)

I know running clubs is a very nice thing to do hence posting on aibu. Just being a hard working teacher, turning results around, running regular intervention classes etc I think.is enough. The club is extra. And yes it might be the only extra curricular thing those kids do but I think there comes a point when teachers accept they aren't superhuman and can't provide everything.

collaborate it isn't it's generally 3 later evenings a week. The club makes it 3 days, 2 on a good week.

I think teaching is a hard one, in that the salary does not match the expectations on your time. One thing - could you have got a taxi to the appointment rather than taking two buses or a taxi rather than one of the buses?