Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

Slightly odd that she’s so focused on it all the same, Tea Does she say it a lot because it gets such a positive reaction from you, do you suppose?

To the posters getting upset that theres more focus on the mums age and not the dad - unfortunately science doesn't care about gender equality. Eggs are as old as the mum. Sperm is made throughout a man's life month to month. So yes wouldn't it be lovely if women could choose to have a baby at 55 but alas science!

Yuko - dont let some random strangers on the net put you off. Statistics are a general rule of thumb. You could be fine and no blinked at hospital at my age when I had a MC at 43. I think statistics said I had 1% chance of conceiving but that was irrelevant because generally most 42 year olds arent trying with the same partner with proven fertility

God god no

I suspect you are talking about women only which is what gets my goat.

The poster said nothing of the sort so that's quite a leap. If the main concern is about the parent being around to see their child get established into adulthood, as opposed to pregnancy risks, then it's a moot point whether the parent concerned is a man or a woman.

Yes, I did and never regret it!
Ignore all the negative comments. I had an uneventful pregnancy and only needed a c-section due to breech baby. I can honestly say that I do more with my child as I make the effort not to be an old Mum,I think I am more active than women 20 years younger than me. Good luck!

No. I’m 44 with teens, and really wouldn’t want to have a teenager when I’m nearly 60. I feel old and out of touch enough as it is!

I'm another who had my 4th and final child at 41. I did find the pregnancy much harder than when I had my 3rd at 38. It was much more draining. But every pregnancy is different. It also took much longer to get pregnant, and I had 2 miscarriages between the 3rd and 4th.

I most definitely could not face having a 5th pregnancy. But that's not really related to age.

I think that the chances of getting pregnant naturally at 45 are slim. But other than that I would go for it.

I get the odd urge to have another baby (also 45) but resist trying because I already have two. In your circumstances, I would probably TTC, BUT one question that's leaping out at me is why you've waited five years since you had your first DC when you know your fertility is declining rapidly? If it's because you're unsure about having a second child, I wouldn't do it.

I'm also struggling with aging parents now and it's been awful how suddenly their health can change, it's really happened quickly . That is something to consider - do you have a good support network if a parent suddenly gets ill when DC2 is still v. young?

My DH has had a vasectomy anyway so it's clear he doesn't want another one.

Agree. If you'd waited until age 30, she probably would have said "i'm so glad you were 30 and financially secure when you had me, unlike my friends parents who cant afford holidays or anything nice" etc

In an ideal work I probably would have had kids at around 25-30, but that’s life. It’s a bit of a myth though that if you have your kids young you won’t be able to afford holidays or anything nice. Granted we’re a bit skint when they were tiny, but we’ve worked hard and since they’ve been old enough to think about it they’ve had nice holidays, clubs, nice things etc.

I am fully aware though that this isn’t always the case for young parents and statistically they are probably less likely to have stable homes. Just like older parents are statistically probably less likely to be able to play an active part in their children’s adult lives.

No. You would be far too old as they grow. When they are 10 you would be 55 and menopausal. You would be cashing in your pension as they graduate uni. When they are in their 30s and creating a family of their own, you'd be so old you wouldn't be able to help or enjoy your grand kids. You'd need them to look after you and their own baby / kids.

That’s interesting about your DD @MirrorintheSky. I asked my 15 years old recently because this question came up on another Mn thread.

He had obviously never thought about it TBH and looked confused at the question. When I pressed him, He said he didn't think about it because nearly the same age as most of his friends parents.

In fact I’m probably about 5 years older. But I reckon most teenagers can’t tell the difference between a woman of 50 and 55 and even if they can, they don’t care. Most teens are very caught up in their own lives TBH.

Teen DD said it’s more embarrassing to have parents who think they are cool and mums who go out clubbing , post on SM and pretend to be their kids sister - apparently that’s cringy.

Other DS said he thought anyone saying “ don’t have kids because you are 40 “ was stupid because it’s up to them ( the prospective parent ). And that if anything it’s better because we have more time and money and can buy him stuff. (Shame he’s so materialistic but that’s another thread).

He thinks those of you saying that parents are too old to look after kids in their 50s are just stupid too, because I can still run marathons and lots of people in their 50s are very fit while Others are overweight and unfit in their 30s.

I agree with him. It’s just fine to say that you personally wouldn’t have a child at 40. That’s entirely an individual choice.

But saying that no one else should have them because of your own prejudices ( old people are all fat/ unhealthy / ugly / embarrassing / selfish/ have disabled kids / will die soon ) is quite another matter.

I'm 54 with a 15 and 16 year old. No way would I want to be 60 years old with my 2!
The teen years can be bloody awful!

@Aliceinwanderland I honestly don't understand how someone does not think of things like that. Maybe I just overthink? But before I conceived I thought about how old I would be and DP at different points of DCs life.

t’s a bit of a myth though that if you have your kids young you won’t be able to afford holidays or anything nice

Its a generalisation though. Just like generalising that anyone older than 40 will be made fun of at the school gates. Thats not always true either is it? Kids can be cruel and can make fun of anything. I was made fun of at school for being tall and skinny- absolutely nothing I could have done about that.

I just think this whole "ideal age" is a bit silly. Noone can plan when they are going to meet their life partner and noone can plan getting pregnant on the first try- it takes years for some people so this whole issue is often taken out of our hands anyway.

In terms of embarrassment at parents ages, it will depend on how old parents look and what is the norm where you live. If older parents are common no one will comment. If it is unusual, then you will stand out more.

@amic You have my empathy. It is scary how quickly our parents can go from fit and active to struggling to get about. My mum literally went from dancing at gigs to young bands I had never heard of but my teenagers loved, to struggling to get to the supermarket. It all happened in less than a year and it was as if she aged 30 years in a matter of months. It does change your perspective.

Haha — I’m now starting to wonder if there are a load of mums out there secretly thinking I am too old to have a toddler! I honestly never realised it was an issue for some folk until this thread....

I fully expect to be totally out of touch with teen culture/societal values etc but tbh I have never been mainstream in that respect so having my kids earlier would not have helped!

@fascinated Most people don't care at all what other people do if it does not impact on them personally. It is different here where views are actively sought.

@fascinated bear in mind these posts are self selecting. The people who dont give this a second thought wouldnt bother even posting on here. Its usually only the people interested /invested in this topic who would post.

Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to worry about other people's reproductive choices

Haven't read TFT but absolutely not.

True ! That’s good . I haven’t given it much thought before now and always thought it was just neutral for other folk.

Good luck whatever you decide, OP

The poster said nothing of the sort so that's quite a leap.

No it isn't. I have never ever seen 45-year old males criticised for becoming fathers.

I'm 54 with a 15 and 16 year old. No way would I want to be 60 years old with my 2!
The teen years can be bloody awful!

^^this is strange also, said by an older parent, who you would expect to be less judgmental about older parents not more 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️.

I have seen plenty of criticisms on MN of older ,ale celebrities becoming fathers.