Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

But 70 year olds rather than 45 year olds. If the prospective mother was actually elderly then my response would be different

I don’t think anyone has criticised older mothers on here. They have just given their point of view (and reasons) on whether they would have a child at 45 which was the question.

Not invested but my eye was caught by my age being in the question. Which I answered. Not criticising those that have babies at 45 plus but I wouldn’t nor would anyone I know but if you want to crack on. No ones criticising. Shuddering with horror at having to go through all that again at our age but with an aging body maybe but your choice.

Judgemental as follows:

No. it's not for the child's benefit, is it? Who wants a mother who's that old?.

No. It is just so selfish.

I don’t think it’s fair on the child.

OP you seem to only think about the impact having a baby at 45 would have on your life as in what you can offer and afford. Maybe sit back and think of a child having elderly parents at the young age at 20 and growing up with much older parents as a child. Please look at the whole picture.

I think it’s extremely selfish to have children so late in life.

All in the early part of the thread. Lots of nasty judgement there in black and white.

@Teateaandmoretea

OP asked for opinions, I don't see the problem in people giving them. Some of the stuff you've quoted is quite mild, like "I don’t think it’s fair on the child." How else would you phrase that while getting the point across? I also don't see what's wrong with asking where the benefit is for the child. It's a fair question.

Anyone who’s chosen to be an older mum, be confident in your own choices! I said it’s not for me but plenty of my life choices aren’t for everyone. The fact that lots of people have said no they wouldn’t, should mean nothing to you! There were also plenty of people here who said go for it.
That’s what happens when someone asks for an opinion 🤷‍♀️

Genuine question: what exactly is the problem with being judgmental?

Humans are allowed an opinion!

Genuine question: what exactly is the problem with being judgmental?

I think it's always been frowned upon, which may be to do with the Bible- 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.'

I’m not so sure a complete absence of judgement on everything sounds like a such great model for society to follow. We need some rules and boundaries. Rules and boundaries are for the greater good of us all.

Yes I would, you’re giving your child a sibling apart from anything.
And all the people saying “my mum has me at 40 and is no use to me now she’s elderly”... well my mum has me at 26 and died of cancer in her early 60s. She missed seeing her grandchildren growing up and is obviously no use to me with them.
Life happens at any age

The thing is life happens when it happens. You can’t control everything. I would have loved to have multiple dc in my 20s but it didn’t happen I had my dc at 39 and a half. Obviously I would love for him to have siblings but for various reasons it has not happened (miscarriages) so now if the opportunity came up I’d jump at it. Go for it. I’d probably be reluctant if I’d had dc in my 20s but I didn’t.

I think if women can biologically have children then we’ve evolved to cope. Otherwise we’d have a younger menopause.

Older men though, they should stop at the same time that women have to. That’s my opinion!

Women get judged way, way more harshly than men. However I do think women should stop marrying much older men if they want children. Half these men have left their families just to bag a younger women and should be raising their first children well before they even think of raising more of them. Speaking from bitter experience obviously...

Whether someone is fine raising a child as an older mum will vary for each individual. But what is expected of mums is very different to how it used to be. Even when I was young a lot of young people were working full-time from 16.

Having babies in your late 30s/40s is a choice though-many on here claiming they "couldn't " have had children younger. Why not ? Ds (Dc1) was unplanned at 27/28 I wasn't sure the relationship would last, we were living in a dump and not well established in our careers. We made the choice to go ahead - because biologically the odds were as good as they were going to get, because I would have been distraught if it had been my only chance, because I knew we could make it work.
We conscioisly traded biological advance over social convention and our own comfort. Many others choose not to make that decision, but it is a choice.

Only if I was childless, and with donor egg.

Well, ok, but we are hardly talking about sins here, are we? And we live in a society where individual choice leads to consequences for others in society, directly and indirectly.

I think life affects your decision as well.

For me it would be a no because:

the risk of miscarriage scares me. Miscarriage was such an emotional and awful experience I wouldn't want to risk such a high chance of it happening to me again.

Both myself and my DH lost parents when they were early 60s as did some friends and other family. There are grandkids they never met and weddings with absent parents, despite the fact we all got married and had kids before 35.

It was heartbreaking to go through this. Starting at 45 you'd be 65+ before your kids even got through uni so the chance of never even seeing them have their own families is greatly increased. The chance of you being unable to actively be involved with grandkids is even higher. I wouldn't want such a high chance of them or me missing that.

Menopause and a pre schooler would be awful :-/

Menopause and a pre schooler would be awful

Why? The menopause doesn’t mean your world suddenly collapses.

I sailed through it (apart from insomnia)
No hot flushes

Friend who had a baby at 47 (naturally) took up marathon runnning.

Having babies in your late 30s/40s is a choice though-many on here claiming they "couldn't " have had children younger. Why not

Because despite trying it just didn’t happen.

Oliversmummy, you didn't spontaneously concieve at 25-35 but did post 40 ? That must be very unusual.....

No, I'd be too scared

It's totally up to you - you sound financially secure and sensible. The odds of you both dying before 65 are remote and your other child will have a sibling. No harm in trying.

Personally, I can think of nothing worse. I had my two at just 32 (on my birthday) and 37. I'm 43 now and I've actually had nightmares about getting pregnant accidentally. I see pregnant women and feel sorry for them! I think I'm definitely over it but it's different for everyone. All this stuff about grandparents helping out is ridiculous, it's nice but although my children's are all still alive we live hours from them so they can't help anyway.

And all the people saying “my mum has me at 40 and is no use to me now she’s elderly”... well my mum has me at 26 and died of cancer in her early 60s. She missed seeing her grandchildren growing up and is obviously no use to me with them.
Life happens at any age

I'm very sorry for your loss.

If anything, I think examples like this actually highlight the need for people to think very carefully before having children at a later stage. Lots of people do die in their 60s, it's not all that unusual. If your Mum had you at 45 you would have lost her in your teens/early 20s.

hopefulhalf
Probably because I was very very stressed out doing a type of job I really hated.

I was probably underweight as well, because of the stress