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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have a baby at 45?

999 replies

84wood · 18/01/2020 17:39

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

OP posts:
Delbelleber · 19/01/2020 18:16

Not fair on the child imo

thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul · 19/01/2020 18:17

I am also wondering what on earth choice of clothes brand has to do with the thread! I've read threads where people have their whole identity wrapped up in their perceived image of the places they shop though...

MAFIL · 19/01/2020 18:18

I think a few people are looking at things in rather black and white terms, but most are just giving their opinions on what they would do. Which, to be fair, is what the OP asked. Obviously everyone's circumstances are different, but it does no harm to consider the points raised. Presumably that's why the OP asked.
I am both the child of an older Mum (she was 42 when I was born) and a relatively older Mum myself. (Youngest born when I was 39.) I can relate to some of the negatives that have been mentioned on this thread but not others. For example, nobody ever teased me about having an older Mum and I was never in the slightest embarrassed about it. As far as I am aware, it hasn't been an issue for my children either. Partly that is going to depend on what the norm is where you live of course (plenty of parents around my age in our socual circles) and also what you look like. Virtually everyone in my family is fortunate enough to look a lot younger than they really are so people probably never realised my mum's age, or mine. In fact when I was pregnant with my first, I would get disapproving looks and overhear comments about schoolgirl mums on a regular basis. I was 31.
So that wasn't an issue for me - but I fully accept ot could be for others.
I have also had a comparatively straightforward menopause, but the hot flushes have been going for about 5 years now and at times the sleep deprivation has been on a par with having a newborn. My youngest was 9 when that kicked off. Had he been 3, I would have coped no doubt, but I wouldn't have liked it. Some people have it much worse. Others I suppose have it easier. But it is a sensible thing to think about.
My biggest worry would be finance. The shit bit of my life is work. I would retire tomorrow if I could afford it. However, for various reasons, including having had an unplanned extra child at the age of 39 I can't afford it, and nor will I be able to afford it when I get to the age that I had seriously planned to stop working. If I thought I had yo carry on for another extra 6 years I would be horrified. That would be a huge reason not to have a baby at 45 for me. It would be far bigger than worries about physical effort etc to me, but it may be completely irrelevant to someone else.
Very few people have said that the OP (or any other 45 year old) should not have another baby, but plenty have said why they wouldn't. It is for the OP to take from that what she finds useful, and ditch the rest. When I was pregnant with my youngest, plenty of people told me that in my circumstances they would have had an abortion. I didn't want to do that, but it doesn't mean the potential problems they mentioned were not wirthy of consideration and I wasn't offended by the suggestion. I just chose not to follow their advice because I didn't think it was right for our family.

Montsti · 19/01/2020 18:20

In your circumstances, I think I would...

I had my 4th and final child at 41 and don’t want more children. If I had one child though then I probably would try for another at 45...

Good luck with whatever you decide to do..

HandsOffMyRights · 19/01/2020 18:26

Not a chance.

New baby, menopause, elderly parents, financial pressure in your retirement years.

I know somebody who's having her 4th baby at 47. She's doing it for her new partner.

Fleamaker123 · 19/01/2020 18:26

I would... many of the posters who have said they wouldn't is because they had their children younger... So of course they wouldn't. But if you started off as an older mum you don't have that luxury of time on your side. Good luck! Xx

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/01/2020 18:26

I second finance being the biggest worry.

As you get older you get tireder, but you are expected to be as energetic and pushy in your career as someone of 21. But l haven’t got the energy or the interest anymore. If we didn’t have dd we could probably retire. Be she’s here, and l love her to death. So I’ll keep going

hopelessatthinkingupusernames · 19/01/2020 18:31

No I wouldn’t. My parents both died in their early 50s, both very suddenly as neither had been ill. Because my mother died I then became legal guardian for my gran who has dementia, which was a big burden to put on a 25yr old. Obviously you don’t know what will happen in the future but odds are if you have older parents you’re more likely to lose them at a young age and more likely to have to support elderly parents

Esspee · 19/01/2020 18:32

Personally, in your circumstances I wouldn't. However what I think is irrelevant.

Shmithecat2 · 19/01/2020 18:34

I'm 44, DH is 51. Both with both parents in good health, DH still with both grandmothers alive and well.

Everyone's experiences are anecdotal 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsCollinssettled · 19/01/2020 18:36

74newstreet I know several mothers who had children in their mid 40s and they are all like that.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/01/2020 19:18

if anything it’s the older mums who actually have the energy and commitment

I certainly had more energy in my 40s and 50s compared with the 20/30 somethings I knew

As for the menopause, you don’t necessarily have hot flushes or be completely debilitated by it.

ErrolFinn · 19/01/2020 19:22

Personally no I wouldn't but I am not you. Do what's right for you.

Teateaandmoretea · 19/01/2020 19:25

I would say 25-35 actually. Risks increase from 35

I would say 35-40 is late, and people should really aim to have their family before this, particularly if they want more than one.

40-45 is really getting on. It's personal choice of course, but I wold say the risks really need to be considered.

Over 45 is too old.

I suspect you are talking about women only which is what gets my goat. DH was 36 when dd2 was born but that'd be okay with you I guess?

Life doesn't work out to a neat plan and many people don't meet partners till later on. I'd rather have had a 45-year old mother than a teen one personally. (Waits to be flamed).

In terms of downs risk (population level). Whether you are 30 or 45 you baby probably won't have it and you can have tests anyway.

Teateaandmoretea · 19/01/2020 19:27

I would... many of the posters who have said they wouldn't is because they had their children younger... So of course they wouldn't. But if you started off as an older mum you don't have that luxury of time on your side.

^^this exactly. Personally no way but I had mine younger and that phase is over 🤷🏻‍♀️

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo · 19/01/2020 19:28

YES!! Had DTs at 44 and wouldn't have it any different! You already know the possible pitfalls and will consider those as a couple, if you decide to go for it then totally do!

Thing is - you already have a child of similar age. DD used to laugh when she said her friend at school had a grandma younger than me....Grin but you'll get that anyway.... We will have to deal with those comments - but we also have paid for houses, more time to spend with our children - it's swings and roundabouts. But I love it......

YukoandHiro · 19/01/2020 19:29

I kind of wish I hadn't read this thread. I'm 37 and struggling with secondary infertility. My DH and I have said we'll stop trying for a second when I'm 40, although mainly because of his age (he's a decade older). The whole thing makes me very sad.

Dowser · 19/01/2020 19:33

My friend had triplet babies at 45 ...she’s never been happier

Friend had loads of support...she’s been fulfilled in a way that having a good career wasn’t doing it for her.

Aliceinwanderland · 19/01/2020 19:35

Yes to baby at 45 but only if I conceived naturally. My feeling is that if you can carry to term without assistance at that age then chances for mother and baby health is good. I don't know if there is any scientific evidence for this though.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 19/01/2020 19:36

I’d rather have had a 45 year old mother than a teen one

Dd1 who’s 15 always tells me how happy she is that I had her young (19) and how glad she is that I’m not old like her friends parents (they’re not old, 45-50 now).

Very old or very young isn’t the ideal. I wouldn’t have chosen to get pregnant at 18, but I did and dealt with it, I’m still with their dad and we have a good life. (also as dd2 was a horrific sleeper, I’m glad I was only 22! Even now at 34 I think I’d find it harder).

The issues around being young are mainly due to financial stability. The issues with being older mainly around health. I know which one I’d rather gamble with.

Luxembourgmama · 19/01/2020 19:37

For me giving your child a sibling outweighs Uluru age. But I was so devastated by my one miscarriage (early and between my kids) that would put me off trying to conceive late.

Teateaandmoretea · 19/01/2020 19:39

Dd1 who’s 15 always tells me how happy she is that I had her young (19) and how glad she is that I’m not old like her friends parents (they’re not old, 45-50 now).

Yep and I'm sure her friends are perfectly happy with their parents too Smile

Aliceinwanderland · 19/01/2020 19:46

Just read some of the earlier comments. I only now realise that I will be in my 50s when dd2 goes to senior school. I'd honestly never thought about it before. Grin. I also get on better with the mum's in dd2's class, some of whom are same age and up to 15 years younger, than I did with parents in dd1's class. I honestly don't think age matters as long as your health is ok.

MirrorintheSky · 19/01/2020 19:47

Dd1 who’s 15 always tells me how happy she is that I had her young (19) and how glad she is that I’m not old like her friends parents (they’re not old, 45-50 now)

No - she just loves you because you're her mum - she'd even love you if you were 50+ like my DD loves me.

MimiLaRue · 19/01/2020 19:51

No - she just loves you because you're her mum - she'd even love you if you were 50+ like my DD loves me

Agree. If you'd waited until age 30, she probably would have said "i'm so glad you were 30 and financially secure when you had me, unlike my friends parents who cant afford holidays or anything nice" etc

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