Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

@Itsashame

Not the same at all. Many people know how hard it is to have a baby because they’ve had one. Then they know what it’s like to be 45.

So everyone is at the same mental, emotional, physical state at 45? Is that what you're saying?

No I wouldn't my cut off was 42 and I was deadly serious about it.

Various reasons, but a chunk of it was wanting to support my kids through Uni / early career / apprentiship depending on what they wanted to do. And I don't want to be working until I'm 70 to support kids.

Shmithecat2 having a child at any age can be tough and physically demanding.

I am 45 and my youngest is under 10, but I wouldn't have another baby at my age. I know from working nights that I do less well on very little sleep than I did in my early 30s, and I know from personal experience that sleep deprivation was harder in my later 30s than at just turned 30.

I'm sure I'd survive, but the older children would suffer for it.

Additionally there is the issue of remaining wholey financially responsible for a minor / undergraduate right up to retirement.

if anything it’s the older mums who actually have the energy and commitment
Who are you basing that on, MrsCollins? It sounds most unlikely.

Fucksake, schmidtthecaT. I’ve given my opinion several times and I’m not going to argue with you about it.for me it’s way too old. For you apparently not, so great. I wish you all the best if you’re the 50 year old mum with a child starting school. Not for me but I’m happy for anyone else who chooses this.

Actually yes, puberty, birth pretty much a fact of life. I just can't get my head around the fact that peoole think the menopause is a reason not to have kids at a certain age, bearing in mind it is natural to be able to give birth a few years before the menopause.
I actually think it is mysogynistic to make the menopause such an issue. You're saying women can't cope, are incompetent etc just because they suffer from some hormonal changes. Give over.

Shmithecat2 the question is would you have a babyat 45?

It's right there in the title.

Not "is everyone identical at 45?" Nor "are people who have babies at 45 dreadful horrors?"

Would you, is the question people are answering.

Saying no, I wouldn't, doesn't mean any of the things you're arguing it does.

@thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul

Shmithecat2having a child at any age can be tough and physically demanding.

I am 45 and my youngest is under 10,

I'm 45 in May and my ds is 4yo, (horror of horrors, I'll be in my 50s before he starts senior school 😱🙄), one that thinks sleep is the devils works, and I don't feel any different now than I did before I had him. I'm quite sure another baby now wouldn't be detrimental to my health in anyway.

Good for you. That doesn’t mean other people don’t feel too old at 45!

Rubyroost are you also of the opinion that expecting reasonable adjustments for disabilities is disablist or that maternity leave is misogynistic or state pensions are ageist?

Denying and minimising the issues the menopause causes many women is putting women at a disadvantage by telling them to out up and shut up and not mention women specific issues.

Personally I would never have a baby at 45. I had my first at age 33 and second at 36. I’m 50 now, they’re both teenagers and I’m in the throes of menopause. I love my kids to pieces and they are the most important people in my life, but I’m so happy they can do more for themselves and I don’t have to do every little thing for them. The very thought of interrupted sleep, changing diapers, potty training, and being responsible once again for every single aspect of a human life scares the crap out of me.

I'm an older mum, had my second at 41, but frankly 45 is pushing it in my book.

@thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul

Would you, is the question people are answering.

Yes, that's right. But yet the comments a rife with blanket statements about how a woman will deal with it. Not how they personally would. You can't have it both ways.

I don't know. DH and I adopted our DDs, we're now 54 and 50 and they're 10 and 7, DD1 having SN. We started TTC at 37 and 33, though, and DD1 came to live with us at 1 year old 7 years later when we were 44 and 40. And DD2 came to us 3 years later, a full birth sister, also at 1 year old.

I don't know if we'd done that under other circumstances. We love our DDs, and we've bonded well with them, but it's hard work as older parents with 2 grandmas who are widows of 80 and 79 who are not able to help much. They also have sleepovers with cousins who don't live locally and they have friends locally they have play dates with, particularly with a friend of mine, whose DDs are close to mine and of similar ages, but other than that, not much help.

So I wouldn't say no don't do it, but you need to think it all through carefully, as you have to know that it's what you really want.

I'm 44 and couldn't think of anything I'd like to do less than get pregnant again, I personally don't have the patience or energy I had when my two were born ( had ds when I was 23 and dd at 31). But that's me, if u feel like you could cope go for it.

What an odd post.

This thread makes me so fucking mad. Who gives a shit about the menopause. Women have been dealing with the menopause for years andbhave been parenting during the menopause for years. It's a normal part of life and has fuck all to do with anything. 😡😡

And no I'm not menopausal. I'm an angry pregnant 41 year old who btw has no problems parenting a toddler with her elderly boyfriend of 50 years.

I'm posting from the other side of the menopause, Ruby, and I can assure you that normal it may be, a walk in the park it isn't. I don't know why you're so quick to dismiss what older women are telling you about their personal experiences. You might not want to hear it, but the menopause and the years leading up to it are actually a pretty big deal for many women, and it can be a struggle to get medical help, as it's so often dismissed by GPs as 'Oh it's just one of those things, why are you bothering me with this? Go away and get on with it', just as you are doing here.

Sleep quality is often poor, given that hot flushes and anxiety are common menopausal symptoms. Heavy erratic periods make lots of women anaemic, increasing tiredness. Putting a baby or a toddler into the mix there and I dread to think how knackered the new mother would be, especially if she's trying to work full-time and also cope with older children, elderly parents, running a household etc etc.

No, speaking as someone in their early 50's with three adult children and over 30 years parenting experience.

It is hard, hard work.
It is rewarding but draining and even though they are all adults I still worry and stress about them.

As for myself, the menopause is a nightmare and to have to parent a young child while navigating my way through it would be just one more stress.

Rubyroost I think what many are saying is until I they started getting peri menopause or menopause symptoms (whatever you prefer to call them) they didn’t understand the impact it has on how you feel not just physically but emotionally too

The tiredness, brain fog, aches and pains, the moods and feeling your body is just suddenly not quite up to what it was a few months previously

Some women have few symptoms but the majority it’s a huge change. As I posted before its not called change of life for nothing

I felt the same physically for the last 12 years (had ds at 35) but in the last six months I am not quite the same and my symptoms are very mild compared to many

I am shocked at how different i feel and I am not going to return to the person I was. I really wanted another baby (no suitable partner and have done it on my own before didn’t want to again) but now I just know I would struggle and I found motherhood easy (easy baby) I think many of us know for ourselves that it would be too overwhelming i would get by because you have to but the energy just isn’t there from the start and it’s not the tiredness I had with pmt or when ds was little it’s like you can never ever catch up

I am aghast at some of the comments on here. I started ttc at the age of 37 and has DC1 at the age of 42. I then had DTs at the age of 45 and I have coped with kids and the menopause OK thanks. The comment about being 50 when your kid starts school was particularly odd. I was 49 when my DTs went into reception and found myself alongside mums vin their 20's, 30's and 40's. No-one gave a monkeys about how old anyone was! Sure I might regret not having kids earlier but it just didn't happen for me and I am more than happy with my family. Finding this whole thread very odd tbh.

Why so angry? People have been asked for their opinions and experiences. Very odd. Personally myself and many friends experience is that there is weirdly a big difference between 40 and 45. Don’t know why but I had zero aging symptoms at 41 at 45 I have lots. Memory fog achy joints periods gone hay wire. Having a baby at 41 doable now absolutely not.

Nope

Actually yes, puberty, birth pretty much a fact of life. I just can't get my head around the fact that peoole think the menopause is a reason not to have kids at a certain age, bearing in mind it is natural to be able to give birth a few years before the menopause. I actually think it is mysogynistic to make the menopause such an issue. You're saying women can't cope, are incompetent etc just because they suffer from some hormonal changes. Give over.

And here's another one! It's not misogynistic to acknowledge that women's health issues are different from men's health issues and to say that at different stages of life people face different challenges and need support with them. Of course women can cope with the menopause, if they get sympathetic support and adjustments from family, friends, employer, colleagues and the medical profession, as required. Just like they cope with other issues that only affect women, like period problems, endometriosis, pregnancy complications, all sorts of gynae problems that might lead to a hysterectomy. Just like men need support to deal with prostate or testicular cancer, should it arise.

I'm not talking about the menopause in general. I'm talking about the idiots who are using it to say you can't parent children properly due to it. I just don't agree. If you can get pregnant then likelihood is that you won't be going through the menopause with a newborn. There are so many factors too. My toddler is soooo easy and I'm a decrepid 40 year old who has an elderly 50 year old boyfriend. He stays at home to loon after him and has not collapsed with exhaustion. Perhaps he is more competent because he is not menopausal?! I remember my own mother going through the menopause in my teen years and I remember my friends mother's being able to parent them during menopause. So, yesm. I still think bringing the menopause into it is ridiculous.

Absolutely not. Too old

No no no ! I'm 46 with 2 teens, love having my lie ins and not having to worry about child care !