Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

Not a chance, but I had my kids very young those days are long over.

Not a chance. Far too risky.

I had my youngest at 38, I'm 52 now and I'm glad I didn't have any more. I couldn't imagine having a child at home for another 10-15 years, I'm looking forward to retiring at that point, lol

Interesting replies but where is embarrassment of having older parents coming in? Who honestly cares if people think their mum is their sister, friend or grandma utterly utterly bizzare way of thinking.

Kids care.

My gran was 46 when my mum was born.

Obviously a very different time, but she Would tell us that was too tired to do the stuff with my mum that she had done with her older children - my mum still talks about what she missed out on. Mums dad died when she was in her early twenties. He was late seventies. I never got to meet him.

We had an awesome gran, but I wish we had had more time with her, and she had been in better health. I always remember her as very elderly. My mum had to care for her and us. A mum in her eighties plus a young family.

I think it’s only natural that older parents will take this all into accounted making their own decisions. It’s not black and white. But it annoys me when people day there is not difference between becoming a parent in your early thirties to your mid forties. Even a cursory review of life expectancy and other health statistics I’ll show this simply isn’t true.

Kids care.

Exactly. When you're 8 years old and kids at school are laughing at you because your Dad looks like your Grandad, and telling you your parents are so old they're going to die soon, it's not fun. At all. Not saying that alone is a good reason not to do it (there are many others), but unfortunately it is part of the experience for the child of having older parents.

It’s more “utterly bizarre” to image kids won’t notice.

No.
My daughter's boyfriend's mum had him at 45. She died of cancer last year at 64, he is an only child and now has to look after his dad who has dementia.

Ultimately it is your choice.

Nope. Never wanted to be an 'old' mum. My father was in his early 40s when I was born and in great health, fantastic dat etc etc but he's now in his 70s as I approach 30! The age gap is too big. Thankfully my mum was younger.
It's not unusual in the slightest to see (v) old parents now, but I'm not convinced it's a good thing.

No, OP. You had your first one at 40. Why didn't you jump on having DC2 by 42-43? Once you get past 43 it's just really getting too late.

Haven't RTFT but I have four friends who had their last children at 43, 44, 45 and 47 respectively.

All are in their 50's now and all of them have said it's been more tiring than having children in their 30's or even 40/41, but none have regretted it. It's a such a personal choice and of course, there are greater risks. They were lucky to have healthy children and have coped well.

Whatever works for you, OP. Re. The older parent issue. I had older parents (late 30's) compared with most of my generation and I did feel embarrassed sometimes. Of course now I know some much older parents (some in their 60's) and I expect their kids are embarrassed on occasion as well. It just happens.

But then most parents are embarrassing when kids hit their teens anyway so it's a moot point in the long run.

I'm pregnant with my first at 39 and I'm definitely open to considering a 2nd child further down the line.

39 is years younger than 45. I can't emphasize how much we change in our 40s. It is undeniable. I am fit as a fiddle, 47, I cycle everywhere, walk the dog two hours a day, swim. But I am so different at 47 than I was at 37. You're having your first DC at 39. Have your second one by 42 tops. Don't wait.

Up to you
But the best doctors wont and cannot reduce the risk of genetic conditions or other issues.
Be prepared for anything.

My daughter's boyfriend's mum had him at 45. She died of cancer last year at 64, he is an only child and now has to look after his dad who has dementia.

Indeed, this is the reality for a lot of people.

As human beings we are extremely bad at assessing risk, and most people seem to assume they'll live happy and healthily into old age. Nobody thinks they'll get cancer, or if they do they'll be elderly, and even then they might beat it.

For every 90 year old who is still spritely and active, there's a 65 year old dying from cancer or some other illness. It's the law of averages.

I don’t really care if my kids’ friends or their parents think I look old. One of the joys of being menopausal, you tend to give zero shits what anyone thinks of you anymore. My toddler thinks I am beautiful and my pre-teen thinks I’m a total embarrassment but she would think that if I looked like a Love Island contestant. I know I’m a better parent for being older and more sorted in my life (my girls have substantial savings accounts and university/life funds for when I’m gone). And we pack a lot of life and living into our days. I’m aware that my clock is ticking so I strive every day to be the best mum I can possibly be to my children.

Noone can predict the future but I am motivated to live a very healthy life so I can stay around longer for my kids. Let’s face it, even the royals aren’t immune from the vicissitudes of life.

I agree Van. Late thirties very early forties seem very different to mid 40s. Such a shift physically. Personally would feel “wrong” now. The moments passed.

I know people in their sixties who only have enough energy for some child care with grandchildren.
Full on parenthood in your sixties will be hard, You have no idea how much energy levels will drop...also if other illnesses set in like arthritis you will have to cope with pain and tiredness.

you ve one child I would stick there.

No chance. The older you get, the harder it is. I was hearing yesterday about a 44 yo grandmother who didn't want to do anything with or for the dgc. - too tired.

Yes. No hesitation. 🙏

Definitely wouldn’t , teenagers and menopause are not a good mix

No!

Just to add my sisters & friends in their early 50’s are knackered

Do not underestimate the difference between 45-40

45-50

My cut off was 35, TTC for 6 years, actually 38 with DS, surprise pregnancy at 42 with DD. Yes I worry I won't be here to watch my kids grow up but I lost my DM age 52 when I was 24 so you really can't odds it. Would I have had another at 45, no because I already have 2.