Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

booseysmum, you are as entitled to your opinion as I am to mine, and my view is that if you have children before you are 25, then you have denied yourself the enjoyment of personal/professional success on your own terms, before you started putting everyone else first. I think we all need some time in our lives to be a bit selfish, and I think your 20s and 40s are perhaps the best decades to do so. It wasn't mine (reasons above) but health and opportunity windows open and close differently for us all.

Nope. Too old and high risk. You are doing it for selfish reasons that will likely backfire.
Also your chances are low. Can you cope ( mentality not financially) with a disabled child?
You can afford it but you are just too old 66 when it finished university at best?

I'm quite amazed how narrow-minded some people are on this thread. Yes, possibly some children could be embarrassed by having an older parent, but where do you draw the line? Should you not have a child if you are very obese (which also could lead to teasing)? Have a disability or mental health issue? Poor? Just how perfect do you have to be for it not to be "selfish" for you to have a child? And really, those of you saying how difficult it was having an older parent, was it really so bad you would prefer not to have been born. I was also the child of older parents who had died before I was 30, but in the cosmic scheme of things plenty of people have had far worse to deal with.
Yes, risks are increased and need to be considered, but for many this is from a low baseline (the exception to this is miscarriage where the risk is high). You are far more likely than not to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy child if you don't suffer a miscarriage.

I had my DC at 41 and 43. I actually think I coped with sleep deprivation far better than I would have when I was younger. I certainly don't feel I have an "old" mentality, and am far more open with my DC about sex, drugs etc. than most of their friends. I'm not into popular culture but never would have been - I would rather have stuck needles in my eyes in my 20s than watch Love Island so while I'm a bit out of touch on some things I always would have been. If I'd had an option to have children younger I would have done, but really don't regret it or think it has adversely affected my parenting (they're teenagers now).
Yes, I am aware I am less likely to be around for them, but none of us can plan for the future. I will support them while I can and encourage them to be strong, independent individuals. We also have no expectations that they will care for us and are in a financial position where we can pay for care.

@Sakura7 I have a friend who’s dad has bad dementia, he is 80 and it came on quickly at about 78.

She is only 31 and has a toddler and it’s incredibly hard work for her. She takes a personal responsibility for his care and stays over once a week to help her mum out etc. she has a younger sister of 27 too who has basically checked out of family life. Her mum is late 60s so didn’t have her particularly late and it’s not an issue the age of her mum but it’s hard work for the whole family.

Although we always talk about this and he dad being older when he had her etc and she says he could have been 20 when he had her, be 51 now and have a terminal illness as well so it doesn’t make a difference. I think it’s just the odds are increased really.

I'm quite amazed how narrow-minded some people are on this thread.

It's not narrow mindedness, people have formed views based on their own personal experience. Nothing wrong with that.

And really, those of you saying how difficult it was having an older parent, was it really so bad you would prefer not to have been born

I always find this question about whether you'd prefer not to have been born strange (although usually when I've heard it before it's from people arguing against abortion rights). To answer, if I hadn't been born I wouldn't know about it, I wouldn't have a consciousness to wish I had been born or regret that I wasn't. So it makes no odds.

I feel sorry for the older parents reading this. Whilst I agree with all the health risks in terms or carrying a baby and risks of abnormalities/miscarriage etc, as long as you look after yourself and are healthy there is no reason why child rearing need be that much harder in your 40's than 20's.

My parents are 67, my mum plays a sport at an international level for her age and travels round the world, my dad runs most days and is fitter and faster than I am. They are both currently skiing. They eat well, exercise, have never smoked or drunk much. If they had had children age 45 they would have sailed through the difficult years health wise and would now have adult children probably out of university. There are so many overweight, unhealthy younger parents who are also struggling financially to add to the difficulties of raising a family.
It is also incredibly ageist to suggest that older parents are an 'embarrassment' at the school gates.

I think in your situation, if you and your partner are generally fit and well and really want another, you should go for it. You will be giving your older child a sibling which is a gift in itself especially as she/he has older parents.
Just make sure you are going into it with your eyes wide open to the risks, especially the chances of miscarriage or not getting pregnant at all.

Sorry Booseysmum, I missed your midway post. I think we're of a close mindset.

But, at 64 both my parents are still in decent fettle. No longer married to each other, but both are happy and healthy.

My gorgeous 7 year old daughter, who with her brother is the light of my life, is here beside me. I had her brother when I was 43 and I had her when I was nearly 48, thank God. This is what makes life worth living.

If you want a baby and can provide for it whatever happens then go for it.

I'm 45. No.

I would I think.

No.

do what you want. No one has to right to judge you. If you are healthy and would love the child, go for it.

No I wouldn't, if by chance the child had a disability it would greatly affect the lives of the children I do have. It's not a chance I'm willing to take. (I'm 42).

At the risk of sounding unpopular (and being told off for fat shaming) I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life at 40.

I exercise, walk loads, eat well, run, etc..

A colleague of mine is 31 and super morbidly obese. It is bad to the extent where she is the size you see on the tv shows like fat doctor.

She couldn't touch her toes or run for a bus. She can barely walk. She needs to buy two plane seats when she travels and doesn't fit in the meeting room chairs at work.

She is considering having a baby now she is married.

You tell me which is more unfair to the child or more riddled with complications?

Your 50s are the age when things may start to go wrong health wise. I know quite a few who died in their early 50s. Would you be able to manage if your DH died? Or could he manage if you did? This last year I’ve known four die at this age.

A dd’s friend had no. 2 at 45, all fine.

Not so unusual nowadays. If you’re happy with the idea, and prepared for possible risks, I don’t see why not.

Personally no. I had my only child at 38.She has just turned 10. I was thinking today how happy I am not to have another younger child. She is of an age where it's easy to take her anywhere, entertains herself .

Yes do for it if you think it's right for you.

Fuck, no.

No, I have friends who have parents who had them at this age and now are looking after them while they are raising their own families.

No, I'm 44 and mine will both be adults when I'm 45 - the youngest will still be dependent on us to some extent but not like a baby and not for too much longer!

Christ no. I’m quite fit but in last few years noticed far more aches and pains and periods erratic- firmly in peri menopause. My youngest 11. Far too old for babies

Yes, I did. Healthy pregnancy, easy birth, no problems.

I have three friends who gave birth at 44 and 45. It doesn't seem to be a particularly big deal in my group - most of us are older parents.

A 6.5 yr gap is great BUT even at early 40s I really feel the tiredness and aches from carrying kid etc myself. Despite being in good health. And the risk of birth defects is high (sorry, but it’s true). Elderly parents needy too, it’s stressful.