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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset girlfriend

107 replies

PolkaRed · 18/01/2020 14:28

Bit of relevant back story so please bear with me.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 4 years now. She has one daughter from a previous relationship who is in her last year of primary.

Last October I bought a house with the intention of doing it up with the plan that her daughter finished primary and then they both moved in over the summer holidays ready for her to start secondary.

Start of November we found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. Not planned but it was a nice surprise. However, now there is a sudden rush to get the house ready before the baby is born.

Last week I had to raid the last of my savings to buy a new kitchen. Then this week, my car broke down and my cat fell seriously ill, which meant more unplanned expenditure.

It was also both my girlfriend and her daughters birthday. I gave my girlfriend £40 for her daughters birthday but I simply couldn't afford to buy my girlfriend anything. On top of that, due to the car breaking down, I've had to make the hours up at work to meet some important deadlines, which has meant I haven't been able to see them this week (they live about 40 minutes away).

She's now not talking to me. Aibu to think that given the circumstances, she shouldn't be so upset with me for how her birthday has turned out?

OP posts:
ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:46

It is absolutely not abuse to not ring someone you don't live with because you don't want to speak to them or have nothign to say.

If you live together and refuse to acknowledge the other person's existence that would be abusive. FFS

What is she supposed to say to him if she is really upset? Maybe she is reconsidering the relationship, does she have to ring him a certain amount of times to do that?

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:47

Are you comparing a woman who doesn't live with her partner and not wanting to call him to domestic violence?

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:48

I think not calling someone is equal to not bothering to visit them or even send a card. Yes, which is clearly the point I am making.

YappityYapYap · 18/01/2020 17:07

Definitely don't leave her OP, I don't know why anyone would suggest that.

You say it was planned for them to move in over the summer. Why can't that still happen? If she became pregnant in November, even if it was the very start, she won't be due until the end of July? So why can't they move in at say the start of July when she likely starts her maternity leave and a month before the baby is due?

I don't see why there's a mad rush when you still have 5 months really. It takes a week or two to get a kitchen put in!

I don't think her being pregnant makes much difference to your initial plan unless she's pushing you to have the house ready immediately?

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 18/01/2020 17:09
  • @DustOffYourHighestHopes and gifts are the only way to show recognition and love? confused*

@BuffaloCauliflower. Eh? I think you’ve missed the point. My point was there were lots of things he could have done (including non-gift suggestions such as eg cooking a meal or the home made vouchers such as promising a future back rub or whatever) to make her feel special and appreciated.

Sugartitss · 18/01/2020 17:12

Run op, fast in my direction Wink

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 18/01/2020 17:12

the plan was that when they moved in over the summer, she would be able to get a job full time and save most of that money to contribute that as a deposit when the mortgage is up for renewal

How does a mortgage come up for renewal?

MissBPotter · 18/01/2020 17:15

People that are suggesting you leave her are idiots. She is pregnant with your child, obviously this is not the time to leave. I do think she’s in the wrong but I would hope this will blow over when she realizes that she’s being silly. She’s probably hormonal and potentially stressed about an unplanned pregnancy. She should apologize etc and it sounds like you’re a good guy op.

MissBPotter · 18/01/2020 17:16

How does a mortgage come up for renewal?

Nearly all mortgages have a term attached to them (eg. Two/five/10 years).

MarieG10 · 18/01/2020 17:17

@PolkaRed *
*
To answer some of the questions, the house is in my name only at the moment. She currently rents, and the plan was that when they moved in over the summer, she would be able to get a job full time and save most of that money to contribute that as a deposit when the mortgage is up for renewal. So far, she hasn't contributed at all, which is fine by me as she has enough outgoings at the moment.

I know you have spent your savings but are you completely off your trolley to out her on the mortgage and thus the deeds. It is clear her money focus and all you will do is ending up her making you homeless...she will no doubt next be working in you to get married so once she is a married mother the financial filleting will be complete

I suggest don't be a total mug but if you want to be at least you have been warned enough in here

GladAllOver · 18/01/2020 17:35

You said the pregnancy wasn't planned.
Not by you perhaps but I'll bet it was.

BrendasUmbrella · 18/01/2020 17:41

Have you been in close communication so that she understands your predicament? I think perhaps you could have sent your pregnant girlfriend a token gift to mark her birthday. Or at least posted her card with a message that you'd make it up to her?

BrendasUmbrella · 18/01/2020 17:43

You said the pregnancy wasn't planned.
Not by you perhaps but I'll bet it was.

They were already planning to move in together before her dd started secondary school, so why would she bother?

Inherdefence · 18/01/2020 17:44

@MsBPotter

We always took out fixed rate mortgages which gave us a set low rate for a period of time, normally 2/3 years. Although technically these were 25 year loans we always remortgaged once the beneficial rate ran out and the loan reverted to the lenders standard base rate (Industry code for a high rate that no one would ever pay unless they had to). I’m sure the OP means something similar.

BlackBlueBell · 18/01/2020 17:51

I think she’s upset thinking you didn’t think about her on her birthday at all, all while her emotions are probably all over the joint, I know you’ve had a rough time with money lately but a 99p card with a heartfelt paragraph wouldn’t have gone a miss.

MissBPotter · 18/01/2020 17:52

@Inherdefence
I agree, I was responding to pp who asked the question in bold in my post. I just did the same as you a few months back.

Itsjustme1986 · 18/01/2020 17:53

Some response here are very concerning for people who have very little information about the woman, as previous poster said, unless she has form then it is probably pregnancy related, it can be overwhelming time (for both parents), and she may be needed a bit more TLC than you can physically give right now, I think when she cools off then have a calm conversation and reassure her that everything you are doing is for your family and because you love them and want the best for them.

Nsky · 18/01/2020 18:22

I think you are being unreasonable not to have at least sent a card apologising for doing nothing for her birthday.
You knew it was coming, so could have planned before Christmas .
The silent treatment is justified , let’s hope you gave enough sense and love , to really love her.( pregnant or not)
After all 4 years is a long time

NoooorthonerMum · 18/01/2020 18:22

Bloody hell it's not abusive if your girlfriend doesn't take your phone calls. It's not remotely similar to the abusive behaviour of people who live together and completely ignore the other person's existence. It's odd you just gave £40 for the child's birthday - surely you had time to have something delivered and to at the very least ring her on the day. You're about to be her step dad! It's not abusive to be a bit rubbish on your girlfriend's birthday but it's likely to upset her especially when she's about to uproot her life to live with you and have your baby. I'm sure your girlfriend is rushed off her feet and exhausted too but still had to organise her DD's birthday. She probably imagined a future where you just expect her to sort everything for your child and don't pay her any attention and she started having cold feet about the move.

NoooorthonerMum · 18/01/2020 18:24

@GladAllOver

WTAF? You think because this pregnant woman wanted an acknowledgement of her and her DD's birthday she obviously, out of the blue after 4 years trapped him by getting pregnant. Why on earth would she do that? There's nothing here to suggest he's much of a catch.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/01/2020 18:34

What do you mean by “giving you the silent treatment”?

Not communicating tends to be a very immature way to respond. But if she’s taking longer to answer texts rather than turning her back on you or pretending she can’t hear you when you’re in the room then it may be more her trying to process her thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to know without detail and her point of view.

Being pregnant, she’s probably feeling pretty vulnerable and I can see why she would be hurt and, tbh, worried, that despite your rash of unexpected crises to deal with you appear to make no effort over her and her daughter’s birthday. I’m not sure what you could have done - but to not be able to put in a couple of hours to get to her house or to make up a compilation of photos of you together or in some other free way show her that she as a person really is a priority for you may be more of the issue than her not getting anything material. It does seem a bit as though you deal with the crises on hand because she isn’t right there. Not having the cash for a present, not being able to be there on the day - those are unfortunate and explainable - but to not have done anything at all (Bat bunging her cash for her daughter)? That’s harder to explain away.

Of course she might be quite demanding all the time and it’s only something that’s bothered you when you’re stretched thin and this a straw that broke the camels back situation - you weren’t great but she’s never understanding sort of thing. You haven’t told us anything about what your life is like when you aren’t in a crunch. So further detail may make change the advice. However, going on what’s here - you have a baby on the way and a child you’re planning on become a step-parent to. I think you need to find a way to show them what they mean to you.

Clappingforjoy · 18/01/2020 18:37

Did you need a new kitchen

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 18:41

OP I'd be rethinking my future with this greedy woman.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/01/2020 18:53

In what way is she greedy BumbleBeee69?

JasonPollack · 18/01/2020 19:45

The hatred on this thread is fucking alarming. Why is she greedy? For wanting acknowledgement of her birthday from her partner? If your car is fixed you could have gone to see her. Or the post exists!

If any of your partners had done sweet fa for you birthday you'd be fucked off too. Why are we hating on the unmarried single mother I wonder? Confused Hmm