Upset girlfriend

[PolkaRed]

Bit of relevant back story so please bear with me.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 4 years now. She has one daughter from a previous relationship who is in her last year of primary.

Last October I bought a house with the intention of doing it up with the plan that her daughter finished primary and then they both moved in over the summer holidays ready for her to start secondary.

Start of November we found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. Not planned but it was a nice surprise. However, now there is a sudden rush to get the house ready before the baby is born.

Last week I had to raid the last of my savings to buy a new kitchen. Then this week, my car broke down and my cat fell seriously ill, which meant more unplanned expenditure.

It was also both my girlfriend and her daughters birthday. I gave my girlfriend £40 for her daughters birthday but I simply couldn't afford to buy my girlfriend anything. On top of that, due to the car breaking down, I've had to make the hours up at work to meet some important deadlines, which has meant I haven't been able to see them this week (they live about 40 minutes away).

She's now not talking to me. Aibu to think that given the circumstances, she shouldn't be so upset with me for how her birthday has turned out?

Have you posted about this before? Seems oddly familiar.

Same GF living far away with DD etc etc.

Why did you give £40 for the daughter and not spend £20 on each and explain the circumstances?

Not reasonable to stop speaking to you. But beyond that, it depends whether all this was communicated to her and whether you demonstrated you cared in some other way.

Does sound all a bit one-sided with you buying a house for her to move in though. It doesn’t sound like an equal partnership the way you’ve expressed it here.

Too much missing information to make an informed judgement. Have you explained all of the above to her, or just assumed she'd realise? If you'd said, 'look I'm so sorry but I've had so many expenses this month, I just have £0 left for a birthday present, I'll make it up to you. I'm also having to work loads of extra hours but it'll be back to normal soon' she might have been OK with it?

I'm guessing she thinks you're withdrawing from her because she's pregnant and is worried about facing the future as a single parent to a newborn and a pre-teen. Only you know whether she's a gold digger and a user. Is she?

If you gave her a card she is being unreasonable, grown ups don’t need presents. If you didn’t give her a card I can understand why she is upset.

To answer some of the questions, the house is in my name only at the moment. She currently rents, and the plan was that when they moved in over the summer, she would be able to get a job full time and save most of that money to contribute that as a deposit when the mortgage is up for renewal. So far, she hasn't contributed at all, which is fine by me as she has enough outgoings at the moment.

Obviously, with her now being pregnant, that option is no longer possible for the short term, so we will have to re-evaluate it.

I gave her money for her daughter, as her daughter wanted a specific present and I had agreed to it before Christmas.

We did discuss my finances prior to me buying the kitchen, and she was happy for me to go ahead with it, and I have bought her a card, but with the car breaking down, cat needing an emergency trip to the vet and then catching up on missed hours at work, I haven't been able to see her to give it to her.

I think she's probably just pregnant and her hormones are making her be a witch (if this isnt normal for her) I was the most unreasonable bitch ever when I was pregnant... But thankly for my husband I'm not when I'm not pregnant lol

She's pregnant, and the hormones can make you a bit crazy sensitive, so unless she's got form it probably just the pregnancy.

I think it depends. Even with a very small money you can make someone feel special e.g cook them a simple meal but light candles, write them a heartfelt message, buy a cheap but really personally chosen paperback.
If you literally did nothing because you spent all your money on a property that is only in your name then Ican see why she might be miffed.

You didn't think to put the card in the post?

You don't need money to make someone feel special on a special occasion.

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Such sensible, thoughtful, normal-headed advice.

Did you tell her “I’m skint right now, but as soon as I get paid I’m going to take you out for dinner, where would you like to go?”

OP.. I would slow right down with these plans...

I'm shocked at everyone, slating the GF without the full story.
She's pregnant and vulnerable, he may have promised all sorts, and as one pp said, it costs nothing to make someone feel special.

Why did you give £40 for the daughter and not spend £20 on each and explain the circumstances?

This ^^

How much of her hard-earned cash has gone into the new home or has it all been on you?

If you could go back in time I, in your place would have spent £10 on the child and £30 on your girlfriend.

But, I really think she needs to stop being a child herself.

Not talking to you is childish but looking at things in an empathetic light perhaps she's feeling insecure about the relationship given the unplanned pregnancy and is hurt you didn't even write a card or pick something out on amazon and wrap it.

It really depends on how she usually is. If this is out of character then she's probably just feeling vulnerable and hormonal. If she is usually demanding, takes your money and doesn't appreciate you then this is obvioulsy a bad sign. Some people put more importance on birthdays than others, too. You dont need to spend to make someone feel special on a birthday. I would just get her round to yours, apologise for the lack of gift (just as a peace gesture), profess your love and say it was only cos you are so skint but if she comes into the kitchen.... and have a meal there with candles and some flowers you picked etc, nice music playing, say later you'll give a nice massage etc. It will be fine.

Does she know you bought her the card? Could you not have posted it? She probably thinks you made no effort at all for her birthday. You could have called round for half an hour after work or something.

Run for the hills

And abandon all responsibility for expected baby??

Your reasons for not getting a present are sound. You are working really hard towards your planned life together, and committing a lot in terms of time, money and work. You are seeing this commitment in very practical terms (quite rightly)

She will be feeling pretty sensitive and emotional, and may be feeling a bit lonely, however irrational that is. And missing you in romantic terms, have you have been submerged in practicals.

Communication is key. Talk and keep talking to each other. It is fair enough to tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn't talk to you. And for you to listen to her.

Sorry things are so tough atm, I hope you get some time to talk to each other, on WhatsApp or FaceTime or whatever.

I don’t blame her! With no money you can: make a card, write some ‘vouchers’, get a lovely second hand book or some chocolate, an IOU for an event or present next month, surprise her by showing up at 10pm just for 30min - ie make the effort when she is exhausted, pregnant and vulnerable.

It’s not ‘demanding’ or money grabbing to expect some recognition and love!

keep the house in your name.

Is she upset because shes hormonal or is this fairly usual for her? I mean while expecting DD I did threaten to leave DH because he forgot to buy mayonnaise, so you know, a strop over no birthday present would have seemed totally reasonable at the time.

If this is out of character maybe there's just been some crossed wires and she is feeling a bit emotional with pregnancy hormones?

I think not being able to see her to give her her card is a bit off tbh. Couldn't you have posted one if she lives too far to pop around?