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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset girlfriend

107 replies

PolkaRed · 18/01/2020 14:28

Bit of relevant back story so please bear with me.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 4 years now. She has one daughter from a previous relationship who is in her last year of primary.

Last October I bought a house with the intention of doing it up with the plan that her daughter finished primary and then they both moved in over the summer holidays ready for her to start secondary.

Start of November we found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. Not planned but it was a nice surprise. However, now there is a sudden rush to get the house ready before the baby is born.

Last week I had to raid the last of my savings to buy a new kitchen. Then this week, my car broke down and my cat fell seriously ill, which meant more unplanned expenditure.

It was also both my girlfriend and her daughters birthday. I gave my girlfriend £40 for her daughters birthday but I simply couldn't afford to buy my girlfriend anything. On top of that, due to the car breaking down, I've had to make the hours up at work to meet some important deadlines, which has meant I haven't been able to see them this week (they live about 40 minutes away).

She's now not talking to me. Aibu to think that given the circumstances, she shouldn't be so upset with me for how her birthday has turned out?

OP posts:

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 18/01/2020 16:07

I get you're busy and didn't have a lot of money to spend but it really shouldn't have been too much effort to send a card and small gift to your step daughter and pregnant girlfriend on their birthdays. You could have shopped on amazon and had a gift wrapped gift delivered. Handing over a wad of cash comes across as a bit thoughtless particularly towards the young child.

letmebefrank · 18/01/2020 16:13

Seriously, DustOff? You dont' blame her?

He lives 40 minutes away and has had a run of terrible luck that has cost him a lot out of pocket (broken down car, vet's bills for sick cat after spending the last of his savings on a new kitchen in the house he's putting together for them to be living in together), plus he's had to work overtime to finish projects this week.

He prioritised the daughter because he'd promised to get a specific gift for her and didn't want to let down a girl that is going to be part of his blended family next year!

His GF is supposed to be a grown up and should have understood that, even if she does have pregnancy hormones.

letmebefrank · 18/01/2020 16:14

Last time I checked, btw, MN usually goes a bit bonkers about adults making such a big deal over birthdays, too.

he didn't forget. Life happened, she knows that, and she's now being abusive to the OP: silent treatment is abusive. We say that everywhere on MN ... so why suddenly is that not being pulled up?

Topseyt · 18/01/2020 16:16

I can't believe some idiots are advising that you abandon your pregnant girlfriend!! How irresponsible that would be!

Communication may have broken down here and while you were stressing about lack of money (understandable) she felt ignored. You needed to send the card in the post if necessary and/or visit her on the day after work. You needed to be crystal clear that your finances had been virtually bled dry by the property purchase and renovation, but as soon as pay day came around you would take her out. I'm not sure you did that and you have to remember that she is not psychic.

Speak to her or send her a message (or the card). Apologise for the poor communication. Explain the situation and assure her that you will make amends asap.

Haffdonga · 18/01/2020 16:22

If she posted here

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and since we found out my bf has become more and more distant. He prioritises his car, the kitchen, the cat - anything over me. He makes no effort to be nice to me. The other day was my birthday and he didn't bother to come and see me, he didn't even get me a bloody card! I'm supposed to be moving in with him soon. Should I cut my losses and split up with him now?

Evert single poster would tell her to ltb.

Come on OP. You couldn't afford a present. You could afford a card and a visit.

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:24

@LolaDarkdestroyer

Have I missed something here that you seem to see?

So she's been living on her own for 4 years.

She is MOVING 40 mins away to the OP's house, that he did not "buy for her" but has bought, in his name. Same as she moved into an already owned home of his.

She is unmarried and pregnant and has been supporting herself and her child and now after 4 years is in a very precarious position.

After 4 years of a relationship if one person buys a house for themselves, how does that make the other person a "fanny lodger"?

He then couldn't be arsed to go shopping for the child, his stepdaughter of four years, and wrap the gift, but bunged the mum 40 quid and said "sorry I can't make it for your birthday cause I'm an irresponsible uninsured cat owner and I need a new kitchen. Soz."

He then chose mumsnet specifically despite being a male non-parent to bitch about her for being upset. Apparently, you're not even allowed to be upset anymore. .

Could I possibly guess that she frequents this forum as a mother and he knows he can make her feel shit?

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:25

I honestly hope those hoping he leaves her actually haven't bothered to read the thread. Because it would be too depressing otherwise.

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:27

@haffdonga.

Don't forget

"I'm pregnant and we aren't married and the house and kitchen aren't in my name. Would I be unreasonable to not move fourty minutes away and move my daughter away from all our support with a new baby"

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:28

"he didn't forget. Life happened, she knows that, and she's now being abusive to the OP: silent treatment is abusive. We say that everywhere on MN ... so why suddenly is that not being pulled up?"

More abusive than not even visiting your pregnant partner of four years on her birthday though?

BuffaloCauliflower · 18/01/2020 16:30

@DustOffYourHighestHopes and gifts are the only way to show recognition and love?

TheYearOfTheDog · 18/01/2020 16:34

On the basis of what you've said and how you see it, yanbu!

NomNomNomNom · 18/01/2020 16:35

I'd be feeling worried if I was her too. She's been living alone with her daughter for 4 years her boyfriend hasn't made any effort to move in with her, now he is allowing them to move into his house (presumably in his name) because his hand has been forced by the pregnancy. He's going to have to become a step father to her daughter but can't be bothered to choose a present or find any time to see her on her birthday, no card no effort to find a gift - he's more worried about his car repairs and new kitchen. If I were her I'd be carefully considering whether to uproot my daughter and move in with this guy.

letmebefrank · 18/01/2020 16:35

It's not 'abusive' to not be able to visit someone on a particular day. Her birthday fell at a particularly inconvenient time in the OP's life at the moment: no money due to a series of unexpected expenses and having to work extra long hours, every night last week, and living 40 minutes away on top of it. A phone call would have been acceptable to a mature person.

it is abusive to subject someone to the silent treatment because you're unhappy/angry/being a cow/whathave you. use your words.

steff13 · 18/01/2020 16:36

More abusive than not even visiting your pregnant partner of four years on her birthday though?

Silent treatment is a recognised form of emotional abuse. Not visiting someone on their birthday isn't.

TheYearOfTheDog · 18/01/2020 16:36

@Haffdonga you're right of course, you can make sure that your b/g friend KNOWS they're valued. You can cook them their favourite meal. It's about making them feel valuable.

When you're pregnant and feeling last on somebody's list it's a sad scary feeling.

NoseyBuggerMum · 18/01/2020 16:37

I don't care about my own birthday but I would have expected more of an effort towards my daughter. You're moving in together so you're going to be a step dad - a major figure in this girl's life. I think the minimum is to get her a thoughtful (not necessarily expensive) gift for her birthday. It's a big deal when you're that age.

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:39

To the OP's girlfriend (as I'm sure she is on here, hence OP posting)

If you had posted here about your situation, I agree that you would have been told to LTB (OP).

After four years you aren't being prioritised. You are moving away form your safety net, away from a job, your home, you have no money in this home you have no safety in this house. Your name isn't on the house. Stay where you are!

Patroclus · 18/01/2020 16:39

Have we managed to label OP as abusive yet? come on! really push the assumptions and misreadings.

CloudyVanilla · 18/01/2020 16:39

Wtf? And you still even gave her money to get her DD something nice?

This seems to be a really unbalanced relationship and she is taking advantage. Me and my DP have a great relationship and there have been times when babies have been due etc that we haven't bought each other presents in time for the actual birthday but have still done something nice. Really not a big deal at all.

SunshineCake · 18/01/2020 16:40

She's not talking to you ? Is she very immature.

I think too much' too soon with too ylittle really knowing her.

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:40

Silent treatment is a recognised form of emotional abuse. Not visiting someone on their birthday isn't.

Marital rape wasn't a recognised form of abuse so I guess everyone woman rape before 1990 by her husband can fuck off whining about it.

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:41

Wtf? And you still even gave her money to get her DD something nice?

He got one present for his step daughter of four years. IS that award worthy?

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 18/01/2020 16:41

have bought her a card........I haven't been able to see her to give it to her.

You should have posted it. You, effectively, haven’t marked her birthday at all. Not surprised she is a bit miffed. If I was pregnant and my DP hadn’t even sent me a card I would be very hurt.

ChickenButt · 18/01/2020 16:43

Silent treatment as coercive control is part of wider abuse it is stupid to pretend that a person is never allowed to choose not to speak to a partner or they are being abusive.

It is also usually in the context of LIVING together which they don't/ She is not required to ring him and speak to him because he has demanded it.

It may be that every time they talk it turns into an argument with the OP kicking off. It could be she's actually very upset and has nothign to say to him. Is she allowed to not ring him?

steff13 · 18/01/2020 16:44

Marital rape wasn't a recognised form of abuse so I guess everyone woman rape before 1990 by her husband can fuck off whining about it.

Are you comparing rape to not visiting someone on their birthday?

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