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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be desperately worried about our future

99 replies

oncelovedclarins · 18/01/2020 08:11

Dh finally lost his job just before Christmas last year (great timing) and we have four children.

He is addicted to various over the counter meds and he battles the craving for one with another.

As a result to be honest he is little or no use (this isn’t a ltb thread but it’s true) I do everything. But we have very very little money and four children.

What the hell can i do

OP posts:
FoxRedBitch · 18/01/2020 08:12

He needs to get help. If he's not willing to get help you need to LTB.

Do you work? How old are the kids?

Is he looking for work?

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 08:15

Gosh that is hard. Is he getting help with his addictions? He may need some tough love as you need to put you and the kids first so that may mean a good jolt of you potentially leaving to get him clean. Also, make sure you are getting all the benefits you're entitled to. Good luck.

Original poster
oncelovedclarins · 18/01/2020 08:16

It isn’t so much he’s not willing to get help, more that there isn’t a lot of help and that it isn’t very helpful to him, if that makes sense!

I think the cravings are just too strong, he knows this. Last night for instance he was just watching television all night and it was blaring out, I had to ask him twice to turn it down.

I do work in a way but it’s from home and flexible. It brings in around £1000 a month which isn’t loads obviously. The problem is we have four children aged between almost 13 and 18 months. Our eldest is really struggling at the moment.

OP posts:
inwood · 18/01/2020 08:18

Bluntly he needs to find another job and get help for his addiction. There are lots of addiction services has he engaged with any?

Hahaha88 · 18/01/2020 08:19

You say this isn't a ltb thread but what exactly do you expect people to say? There's no magic wand, we can't say something that's going to stop your oh being ab addict and go out and get a job. You need to tell him to get help and get his life sorted or you need to leave him. Not for you alone but for your kids too

comeasyouare1 · 18/01/2020 08:22

Have you had a look in to tax credits, benefits etc? There may be some help for you there financially. Might be worth making an appointment to talk to someone.

CakeandCustard28 · 18/01/2020 08:24

Take him to the GP, tell them he has addiction problems. See what they offer, there is plenty of addiction services that can help. Personally though, I would tell him to get help or your leaving. This isn’t something that can just be brushed under the carpet, and he needs consequences to make him relieze he needs help.

Original poster
oncelovedclarins · 18/01/2020 08:24

No - too much in savings, we will be ok for a bit financially.

It’s not as simple as just getting another job.

‘What do you want people to say’

Not ‘ltb’ would be good

OP posts:
Plumbus · 18/01/2020 08:26

Bluntly he needs to find another job and get help for his addiction

This.

3luckystars · 18/01/2020 08:26

What are your options? Can you write them down, maybe there is something else we can come up with?

You say he finally lost his job, so this isn't a new problem. What is the story?

I'm sorry for this stress on top of you. I hope we can help to figure out a plan for you.

DonnaDarko · 18/01/2020 08:29

YANBU to worry about the future, it sounds like a shit situation. But ...

It isn’t so much he’s not willing to get help, more that there isn’t a lot of help and that it isn’t very helpful to him, if that makes sense!

It doesn't. If he truly wants to beat the addiction, he needs to keep trying. It sounds like he's just making excuses and you're letting him get away with it.

Dontunderestimateme · 18/01/2020 08:31

Can he stay at home and you look for a better paying job? Ultimately you can't control his problems, and the TV blaring all night suggests he is generally a selfish arse as well as an addict. You may not want people to say LTB, but if you want yours and the DC's lives to improve, that is probably your best bet.

BlueEyedFloozy · 18/01/2020 08:32

Talk to him about his addiction - tell him how dire your current situation is for you, your kids and as a family. Encourage him to seek help and reassure him that you will support him throughout.

If he doesn't accept this or won't listen then only you can decide what to do.

Cobblersandhogwash · 18/01/2020 08:33

So stressful for you. I'm sorry you're facing this shit.

But if he can't get help for his addictions, you will all go down with him. It's a downward spiral.

There is help out there.

Contact every charity you can think would be of help

Grinandbionic · 18/01/2020 08:33

You've posted about this before, haven't you? DH is a doctor or something?

kissmewherethesundontshine · 18/01/2020 08:34

Is it codeine he is addicted to?
There is plenty of help available from GP or if you look on talk to frank website you will see all the help in your local area.
It is surprisingly common, unfortunately Sad

Cobblersandhogwash · 18/01/2020 08:34

Have you researched what benefits you could get as a single parent?

He needs to sort himself out. And if he's not willing to do anything, try everything, pursue every avenue of help, however small, then you'll know you and the dcs are not his priority.

Such is the way of drug dependency.

LiveFatsDieYoGnu · 18/01/2020 08:36

Are you the poster with the doctor husband who was addicted to meds and working while under the influence? Sorry if I've muddled you with someone else, but I mention it because it might explain why it's hard for him to get/accept help and why getting a new job might also be tricky, and people might be able to give more focused advice.

user7522689 · 18/01/2020 08:37

If he doesn't want to change and you don't want to leave then you're choosing to force your children to suffer.

There are no magic words to excuse what's happening or magic it all away.

ineedaholidaynow · 18/01/2020 08:38

How long has he been like this?

ChocolateCoins19 · 18/01/2020 08:39

What a harsh approach of taking all money and cards off him so he can't buy the meds..
I did this with dh and gambling. Alrho it wasn't much as such but a couple of times it left us really struggling.
I now give him the cash each week for a little acca. As in maybe £5 max.

madcatladyforever · 18/01/2020 08:39

I used to have an addiction problem with over the counter drugs but still managed to go to work. He needs to go to his doctor, get these drugs on prescription and be weaned off slowly. He's probably using them for mental pain not physical pain like I used to do.
If he is suffering mentally he has to be proactive and go and see his doctor, if you have 4 children you can't just give up.
His dovtor really can help and then he will be in a better position to get a proper job or at least a temporary job.
When you have a family doing nothing is not an option, you need to have this conversation with him.

KellyHall · 18/01/2020 08:40

Addiction is hard but he sounds totally selfish. Does he understand what a huge burden he is to you and all of your children? If he does and he still insists on hiding behind his addiction, it's probably because he knows you won't leave.

You are doing everything, you're the only one working, he gets to sit on his arse watching tv complaining about how difficult life is for him because all he wants to do is escape from his easy life by taking whatever substances he's addicted to. He has no consequences to his behaviour so what's his incentive to change?

You're enabling him. If you really want him to change, you need to change your approach.

user7522689 · 18/01/2020 08:40

How is he getting the drugs he was previously self-prescribing now he's lost his job?

Iwillgotothegym · 18/01/2020 08:40

Depending on what NI he has paid he may be entitled to JSA or ESA - now called new style. It isn’t a huge amount but it means he will be able to get help with looking for work or at least money to recognise he is too ill to work at all.

www.gov.uk/guidance/new-style-jobseekers-allowance

www.gov.uk/guidance/new-style-employment-and-support-allowance

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