To be desperately worried about our future

[oncelovedclarins]

Dh finally lost his job just before Christmas last year (great timing) and we have four children.

He is addicted to various over the counter meds and he battles the craving for one with another.

As a result to be honest he is little or no use (this isn’t a ltb thread but it’s true) I do everything. But we have very very little money and four children.

What the hell can i do

What do you want people to say

Not ‘ltb’ would be good

OK stay with him then and watch him drag you a down. There's no magic solution, nothing anyone here can say will change that. Leaving him might give him the shock he needs to actually do something about his addiction.

I think you have to try to make him get some help if you can .If he was a Doctor he must know the harm he is doing to himself anyway .Did he lose the job due to his addiction ? You need to speak to your GP and see if there is any help for you and the children .ATM you will need to stay strong fr DC sake .What about your family /friends can they help?

Also I remember when my ex lost his job and fell into a depression for 18 months and wouldn't work. In the end I gave him an ultimatum work or leave because I'm not supporting you any more and he got a supermarket job.
Now for most of us being depressed about losing a job and not working simply isn't an option, I'm partially disabled, suffer chronic spinal pain and still go to work full time because nobody else is going to pay the mortgage and bills.
But men are different, when they fall into this rut they can't seem to get out of it regardless of their family situation.
It's important that you get outside help, speak to your GP and ask what help is available for him, present him with the facts and say get help or leave because I'm not prepared to tolerate any more of this and mean it.
he has done nothing for long enough and when your savings run out you will all be on skid row.

Not ‘ltb’ would be good

He should at least stay elsewhere until he is clean of the addiction and in stable employment. Think about the role model being set to your children.

Hard to see why you want him to stay given the details.

You are disgusting bucking

Absolutely beyond anything I have ever seen on here.

I don’t know what you lot are talking about, dh gets meds over the counter

We need more info otherwise you will get LTB all the way.

He needs to want to get help for himself. You can't force him to.

You don’t even say what he’s addicted too.

I believe Bucking was referring to a specific poster who used to post about her DH who was (presumably still is) addicted to prescription drugs, however he got them via work. She had several threads & was given pretty much the same advice each time.

@oncelovedclarins if your DH doesn't seek & accept help to get clean, nothing is going to change.

Anyway the point is. If he and you don’t think his addiction is bad. Then he becomes a sahd. Does all of the kids stuff and you go and get a proper full paid full time job.
It’s that simple.

Over the counter meds. Codeine mostly.

You have definitely confused me here. I’m not an alcoholic, wtf

It doesn’t matter who she thought she was talking to, how dare anyone tell someone to give their baby up for adoption because their dad is out of work? What the actual FUCK is wrong with her?

Sorry - I don’t think there’s much point to continuing if that’s the ‘advice’.

If it’s codeine then he needs to go to his doctor and they will help with the addiction.
You can’t even get codeine over the counter in many countries. That’s how addictive it is.

Does he realise he has a problem.

Would your DH consider counselling/therapy? Many counselling centres or therapists offer low cost therapy for people with low incomes, its an alternative to what is available on the NHS. This is also an option for you, you might find it helpful too, as it all sounds pretty stressful for you. Can you spend some one to one time with your eldest son, who you said was struggling?

Al anon is for partners/relatives etc. Of people struggling with addiction. It offers support for those people who would otherwise feel very isolated.
Codeine addiction is not uncommon. And there is lots of help out there.
He’s just got to want to take it.

Why did they fire him op? What's the link to his addiction to painkillers? What occurred that moved them to terminate?

And why can't he get another job? I think some more detail is required.

Op, you're asking for advice but don't want to acknowledge that all options available are awful. That's not our fault. See BuckingFrolics' post.

Life isn't going to get easier until/unless your husband fixes his addiction and/or you leave him.

There is no option where you're ok and your DH remains with the family, addicted.

You're just going to burn through all the love you have for him, his children will grow to lose all respect for taking up your energy when your oldest at 13 needs you badly (this will marr a crucial stage of his childhood, damaging him into adulthood), and you'll burn through your savings.

Then you'll remember this post because fewer options will be available. There'll be the most shit options of a fairly shitty menu currently, but a lot of it will be out of your hands.

You need to attend a support group for addicts asap to help you figure out your next move.

Al-anon provide support to families of the addicted. Noone is suggesting you're an alcoholic.
If Dh doesnt acknowledge his problem it is a lot harder and whilst you dont want hear "LTB", you yourself have said it is affecting your 13yo and it will be affecting the other DCs.
Ultimately he does need to seek professional help with his addiction and get another job.
It doesn't sound like he is in the right place to do that himself right now.
Which unfortunately does mean you should be worried about your future and probably need to take action for you and your DCs.
as it sounds really hard.
Al-anon might be able to help.

So if you’re bringing in £1000 a month and that’s it, I assume you will swiftly fall behind in your rent or mortgage and bills. If you have a mortgage, Do you have insurance to cover periods out of work (obvs would depend on sacked or made redundant)? If not, talk to your lender now because they may be able to help before things get too bad.

If your renting it’s a bit harder I guess.

Look at your bills and get rid of anything beyond rent/mortgage and key bills. Do not stop paying council tax as this can land you in prison. Get rid of all lovely stuff, yep life will be a bit crap.

All of the above are a direct result of your hubby fucking up. Addiction is horrendous and he needs to find his own way and motivation out. However, his selfishness is causing this and that’s why you will get LTB.

Your eldest is also struggling because she is at an age of significant change and her father is probably only interested in himself.

Get out now, get support (emotional and financial in the terms of relevant benefits) and let him get help (the time it takes for him to make this decision will also be telling).

I think Buck was just using that for dramatic effect, to demonstrate your limited choices if you stay with him OP.

Where is there "plenty" of help for addiction? Everything I hear is that there is nowhere near enough provision for the demand.

Whether you stay or not, you have to plan a life that doesn't depend on him for anything. It's not necessarily his "fault" but until he gets himself sorted you're on your own and your children are entirely dependent on you.

I don’t know elder nowhere near me

You're having a shocking time.

Is your dh? Or as long as he has his supply of over the counter drugs, he's fine?

Why should you and the dcs always bear the brunt of his problems?

I would start looking at ways to survive by yourself without depending on him so he can't pull the rug from under you and your children again.

My father was an alcoholic since I was quite a young child. We always struggled for money, the house was always cold. Not many clothes, & they were always 2nd hand. No school trips unless they were the free ones. My mother always seemed absolutely beaten down by everything, I'm certain she was depressed. My parents constantly argued. Neither of them ever seemed to have any patience for anything. He hit me several times, quite hard, I never told anyone, & it affected my adult relationships. My father had a major stroke several years ago & now has brain damage. I wish my mother had been strong enough to leave him when I was little.

OP, I know some posters are quite harsh but actually I don't know what advice you want.

You've given very little information about your situation for people to be able to give any detailed advice. And actually the choices probably are that he gets help or you have to make a choice if this is what you want for you and your children.

What led to him losing his job?
What addiction services has he engaged with and did he do the work?
What other support do you have around you?
What do you and your kids get out of this relationship? Does he look after them, does he do his bit in the house, is he loving and kind and supportive as a dad and husband at least some of the time?