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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be desperately worried about our future

99 replies

oncelovedclarins · 18/01/2020 08:11

Dh finally lost his job just before Christmas last year (great timing) and we have four children.

He is addicted to various over the counter meds and he battles the craving for one with another.

As a result to be honest he is little or no use (this isn’t a ltb thread but it’s true) I do everything. But we have very very little money and four children.

What the hell can i do

OP posts:

aroundtheworldyet · 18/01/2020 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kmammamalto · 18/01/2020 10:59

Of course you can work if you leave. 18mo can go to nursery or child minder. As a lone parent/lower earner there is more financial help for childcare costs

53rdWay · 18/01/2020 11:02

I think sometimes addict mindsets can be catching to those around them. The addict is so wrapped up in how nothing can possibly change, their partner can’t possibly leave, they themselves can’t possibly get support, and when the addict is the focus of your life you can end up repeating that yourself just because you’ve never had space to think about it differently.

What’s the specific hurdles he’s hit with accessing support? It you have savings that can get you over a lot of hurdles. But if the problem is “he just knows nothing out there would work for him so there’s no point trying”, then that’s the addiction talking.

UndertheCedartree · 18/01/2020 11:08

Did your DH lose his job due to the addiction problem or something else?
Would he be able to cope with a lower stress job or part-time job at the moment?

How much more money do you need to cover your expenses? I'm on UC and get £1k a month to cover everything. I get child benefit too - do you get that? I also get help with Council tax - have you looked into that? Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to help you find out if you are entitled to anything.

The other thing to look into is some bills can be reduced if on a low income - things like Warm Front and a discount on water bills. Shopping at Lidl/Aldi can reduce grocery bills. Also registering your children for Pupil premium at school can give you free school meals and things like free school trips.

From what you say your DH wants to deal with his addiction. What has he tried so far?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 18/01/2020 11:12

Why can’t you work if single? Millions manage it.

Gingernaut · 18/01/2020 11:12

He's an unemployed, bone idle drug addict, what can you do?

Not much.

Earn more money - enable his addiction and pay for help with childcare and around the house

Keep on going with your job and accept you're poor, like Bucking says.

Leave him (or kick him out) - he's effectively 'checked out' of life anyway - financially and physically it doesn't sound too different from what's happening now.

Only he can do anything about his addiction. Seeking help from AA (which doesn't just do alcohol) and Al-Anon (for yourself) would be a step in the right direction.

He needs to go to his GP and be completely honest - without him accepting that he's got a problem he needs help with, you're all going down the pan with him if you stay with him.

Daisy7654 · 18/01/2020 11:20

Good idea above. He should be SAHD and you become breadwinner outside of home.
Better option than being single mum splitting house living in flat and having to pay childcare for all kids.
Unless he's unsafe ?

Daisy7654 · 18/01/2020 11:23

It's likely if you split and give up on him, that he will die.
Before PP jump.down my throat it's a simple fact of life.
I've grieved enough losses to know how it goes.
Worth noting.

Cobblersandhogwash · 18/01/2020 11:30

There's nothing to be done then. Carry on. As you were.

Oldishusernewname · 18/01/2020 11:32

OP just seems to want to berate everyone for "bad advice" because we can't come up with a magic solution to a drug addict husband and poverty. She isn't answering questions or engaging beyond telling off posters who are genuinely trying to help. I wouldn't bother to be honest

PurpleFrames · 18/01/2020 11:33

Addiction services are widespread and very accessible. If he says they aren't then I suggest he is lying - not that there is no one out there.

Same with al-anon, unless you live in a village of 2 there will be meetings near you.

You should consider how your situation would be viewed in the eyes of SS.

Being afraid you can't change and refusing to try are totally different things.

53rdWay · 18/01/2020 11:35

It's likely if you split and give up on him, that he will die.

No it isn't. You have no way of knowing that, she has no way of knowing that.

But honestly... if he's actively using, won't engage with any addiction services, and her choice is to support him for the rest of his life while fucking up her children or support her children while leaving him - she should leave him. If she can only save him or the kids she should save the kids.

(but there have been a LOT of addicts who only got clean once they looked back at the wreckage they'd made of their life)

(and an active addict can't be a SAHD, that's just not safe)

dappledsunshine · 18/01/2020 11:44

Op you're being really rude. You've had plenty of posters giving some good practical advice and all you can do is get snarky. What was the point of your thread? I understand you're having a rough time but this won't help 🤷‍♀️

Sn0tnose · 18/01/2020 12:15

OP, what resources have you actually tried to access?

Because, as it is, you’ve been offered lots of very useful, practical advice which it seems you’re dismissing because none of it is going to result in a happy ending. You’re turning your anger on posters like Bucking when it should be directed at your husband. There is no scenario where you, your husband and your children are going to come through this as a happy and solid family unit. None of us are going to be able to give you that.

LagunaBubbles · 18/01/2020 12:26

Sorry - I don’t think there’s much point to continuing if that’s the ‘advice’.

Oh get off your high horse, you're not really listening to people anyway. There isn't any advice here you want to listen to anyway. It's your funeral living with an addict whose not prepared to get clean. Sadly it's inevitably affecting and will go on affecting your children.

ssd · 18/01/2020 12:37

Op, you need help as much as him. And it sounds like you're both in denial. If you both keep this up your kids are fucked.

Your the adults. It's your choice.

DuckWillow · 18/01/2020 12:48

To be honest OP some addicts will only change when they reach rock bottom. Even then some won't maintain the change.

What does your husband want to do about his addiction?

Does his addiction affect you financially right now? If so how much per day and week etc?

You say you have some savings so financially at the moment you're coping but will struggle longer term if things don't change.

What is the daily effect of medication on your husband?

How does this affect your children who are witnessing it? You MUST think about this as they will otherwise grow up with a negative view of him and see you as the person who both enabled him and didn't bother about the effect it may have had on them. Is he emotionally able to parent them ? If not how are you safeguarding them? That is the serious aspect of all this.

You don't have to leave him BUT you must safeguard your children from the effects of his addiction. Not doing so makes you a neglectful parent too.

Oldishusernewname · 18/01/2020 12:50

Duckwillow I admire your optimism but I don't rate your chances of getting a reply to any of your questions!

user7522689 · 18/01/2020 12:51

Ok.

CassidyStone · 18/01/2020 14:08

Has your husband been struck off by the GMC? If not, then he should ask them for help and support to get into recovery. If he can recover from his addiction, he may be able to work in the medical profession again, as long as he is honest.

If he is no longer able to work as a doctor, then he needs to seek help from his GP and substance misuse services. He then has to find a job, any job, to generate some kind of income, no matter how small, just to keep your heads above water.

keo8260 · 18/01/2020 15:07

codeine is a very difficult drug to come off and should be tapered really. A pp mentioned taking codeine and being able to reduce their dose, reducing is very different to stopping taking them, anyone taking codeine regularly at any dose for a length of time will get withdrawal effects on stopping or reducing by large amounts and they can be very serious. Tapering is the best option reducing by about 10% per week. You could agree with him to have control of the meds and money/cards so he actually cant buy more himself. It would be better if he saw his doctor and admitted to them so they can prescribe codeine during tapering and also prescribe things to help with withdrawal.

ChicCroissant · 18/01/2020 17:29

You've posted about this before and it was pointed out then that he'd lose his job eventually.

You are never willing to actually do anything about it though OP, so I'm not sure what you expect this time? If you want something different YOU will have to do something different. Keep doing the same and things will stay the same.

What are you prepared to do, OP?

LauraAurora79 · 18/01/2020 17:37

I do think you have to leave. For the sake of your 13 year old. You will be so busy looking after the littler ones that quite soon, if not already, your 13 year old will be left to get on with it. Dad goes under, mum holds up the little ones, and older one(s) get dragged under with dad. Seen it all before.

MaudebeGonne · 18/01/2020 17:57

Is he still in denial about the fact that he is an addict? It sounds like you are all living your life in limbo, waiting for something or someone to come along and shake you out of it.

What can you do? You can accept it and modify your lifestyle to accommodate the change in circumstances. Your children will eventually get themselves out by whatever way they can and if he survives that long the two of you will be left in the zombieland of his addiction. Or something changes. And you can't make him change, so it is on you. You need to have a realistic think about what you want for yourself and your family, and you need to push for it. It is going to be hard, and it isn't going to be what you were planning, but anything has to be better than what you have now.

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