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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

17 yo DD Dr appt - what to do?

138 replies

tactum · 17/01/2020 23:56

Had a text earlier this evening from surgery saying DD has arranged a Dr appt tom am, not booked with my knowledge - am assuming DD didn't realise I would get message. She has started seeing her first serious boyfriend about 3 months ago who I really like and I've been giving them 'space' together whilst also including him in suppers round the table etc.
She's already on the pill due to period issues n we've had various convos about contraception.
Am assuming appt is something to do with the relationship, just not sure how to bring it up? Any advice please..

OP posts:

Melroses · 18/01/2020 00:31

Why is the surgery contacting you? What happened to patient confidentiality?

That's nothing I've had a doctor calling me up about my 24yo dd missing an appointment that they made for her and she cancelled and demanding I tell her to make another appointment and get tests (Since left that surgery)

74NewStreet · 18/01/2020 00:32

Maybe she’s still registered under your number?

starfishmummy · 18/01/2020 00:33

If ahes already in the pill I assume there are regular reviews, its been a while since I took it, but I had to see the Doctor for them

LtJudyHopps · 18/01/2020 00:33

Maybe forward her the message? Say you’re not prying/being nosey but wanted to let her know you’d received this as it might be for her.
I always remember my dad telling me if there was ever anything I didn’t want to say to his face I could always text/call/email him. Might help your DD?

Purpleartichoke · 18/01/2020 00:35

At 17, it could be anything. Doesn’t have to related to sex. Just let her know you got the message and remind her you are always available to help/talk.

zoobincan · 18/01/2020 00:35

Am assuming appt is something to do with the relationship,

Why?

I don't see the big deal here really. If she wanted you to know she would have told you. But it's wrong to assume this is because of her relationship. It could be anything.

SD1978 · 18/01/2020 00:35

The number they have on record for her is obviously still your number.just lto t her know you've received her reminder and Sh needs to change the number to her mobile when she goes in. I wouldn't be asking what it's about, or making any mention given she's 17 and will no doubt be mortified if it is regarding contraception

AppropriateAdult · 18/01/2020 00:36

I wouldn’t bring it up at all - if she’d wanted you to know she would have told you. Hopefully she’ll remember to update her contact details herself, or you can bring that up casually at another time. She clearly wants to maintain privacy about this appointment so I’d play completely dumb.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/01/2020 00:36

I don't understand why would you jump to it being something to do with her relationship? It could be literally anything.

Luckypoppy · 18/01/2020 00:37

Wait until she's been before you mention that she may like to change the number to hers. She's an adult now and being sensible by the sounds of it. Or ring and see if you can change the number on it but not sure you can.

zoobincan · 18/01/2020 00:38

.
I wouldn't be asking what it's about, or making any mention given she's 17 and will no doubt be mortified if it is regarding contraception

I would not ask either, but why would she be mortified if it was about her contraception that op already knows about

whatshame · 18/01/2020 00:47

My daughter is also 17 and makes her own appointments for the doc. She usually tells me either before or after but not always and its totally up to her. Often its about her eczema and first I'll know is when she appears with a new cream for it. Once it was for a pill to stop her periods for a few days as it was due on prom night! She talked to me about that once she'd been as she got cold feet about taking the tablets so I was able to reassure her how they worked. At 17 its really none of your business unless she wants it to be.

Someone once told me that a sign of being a good parent was raising an independent and confident young adult who were able to get things sorted for themselves while knowing you were always there in the background if needed... Let her get on with it - it could be anything from acne to wanting a different type of contraception to a secret infected belly button piercing!

Do let her know to change her number at the doctors though and that you're there if she ever wants to talk.

PixieDustt · 18/01/2020 00:49

I wouldn't ask.
If she wanted you to know she would have told you.

TVdinners · 18/01/2020 00:51

I think this whole 16 , 17 year old thing need sorting. An age should be decided on by the government as to what constitutes an adult and that one age should be used for everything.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 18/01/2020 00:52

I would just say “I got an appointment reminder through, I’m assuming it’s for you. Is everything ok?”

This is perfect, plus just ask her to update their records as other pps have said.

comeandseemyetchings · 18/01/2020 00:53

I would just say “I got an appointment reminder through, I’m assuming it’s for you. Is everything ok?”

I agree with saying this.

Also, if you've had the reminder because the number hasn't been updated, then obviously she hasn't had the reminder, and she may actually need it (especially if she had to make the appointment weeks ago the way you do at our surgery).

It's worth giving her a chance to talk if she wants to, even more than once, but making it clear she doesn't have to. At that age I'd picked up a book about Candida in a health-food shop, by chance, and was then in an entirely private panic of health anxiety about the whole issue for about two years. I was so unhappy and stressed (completely unnecessarily) but never managed to talk to my mum about it.

Ribrabrob · 18/01/2020 01:02

How bizarre to just automatically assume it’s something to do with her relationship

whatshame · 18/01/2020 01:04

@TVdinners Not really though, Gillick Competence says that anyone age 16 and over can consent to medical treatment without informing parents and children younger than that can also be considered as Gillick Competent if they have the maturity and ability to understand the treatment. Certainly at 16 they are old enough to leave home, leave school, get married, have sex legally - why shouldn't they have privacy in their own medical issues?
While many parents have children stay at home til 18 and beyond, not all do and can essentially throw them out at 16 if they were so inclined.

Equally many young adults have reasonable parents who only wish the best for their offspring, but equally many don't and would prevent them accessing the medical care that they wish.
At the GP I go to, they request a separate email contact and number for any children over the age of 12 if they so wish, or permission from that child to keep the parent as main contact. Though I am in Scotland and it may be different in England.

melj1213 · 18/01/2020 01:05

You seem very suspicious of your DD OP. Shes already on contraception so what else do you think she is going to see the GP about regarding her relationship and why is that the first thing you thought of? There's many reasons why anyone would make a doctor's appointment.

At 17 I was making appointments for minor things myself and whilst I would usually tell my parents (though more in a "I have a Drs appointment after college so not sure when I'll be home" than asking permission) sometimes I didn't because it just hadn't come up in conversation or I didnt need to tell them because it wouldnt impact them. If I had needed a lift to the surgery because there were no buses from college I would tell them but if I could get there during the course of my day then I might not mention it, for example.

WaxOnFeckOff · 18/01/2020 01:12

16-18 is a weird age for NHS, DS had various things he was getting treatment for, some were directed to him from age 16, others still addressed to me until he was 18. I'm not sure they really know what they are doing.

However, if she has made the appointment then leave her to it and don't mention it unless you think she's forgotten. She's entitled to her privacy.

SpaceCadet4000 · 18/01/2020 01:16

She's 17- give her the space to decide whether and when she wants to talk about a doctors appointment with you.

I'd quickly mention that the docs seem to have her under your mobile number as they sent you a text though.

TVdinners · 18/01/2020 01:34

@whatshame - You have assumed from my statement that I think that 16 and 17 year olds shouldn't have medical privacy. This is not the case. I do think ,as I said , that an age should be decided on , whatever that age might be, that should be used across all areas.

At the moment we have a bit of a no mans land where is some cases parents/ guardians are responsible, but in other's not. For example, when my DC was attending 6th form and there were attendance issues ( due to illness / disability which have been present from birth ) it was me as their parent who the local authority attendance officer was visiting and me who was held responsible.

However, in healthcare issues, they are regarded as an adult, but if they wanted to buy a bottle of wine at 16, they are back to being a child. .

TVdinners · 18/01/2020 01:39

@WaxOnFeckOff - Yes, you are right, some bits of the NHS are 16 , some are 18.

whatshame · 18/01/2020 01:58

Legally though at 16 they can accept or refuse medical treatment regardless of parents wishes. If some parts of the NHS were contacting you that is probably on an assumption that you had your childs permission, nevertheless whoever it was directed to he had the right at 16 to accept or refuse the treatment regardless of your wishes.
School Education is different than the NHS and they would contact parents due to absence (not necessarily medical) until the person leaves school (At which age they might even be 18).
University would not even talk to parents (or certainly shouldn't) and all correspondence and responsibility is on the university student (even if under 18 as is often the case in Scotland)
To remain in education beyond 16 generally requires the support of parents and living at home.

Accessing the NHS does not.

TVdinners · 18/01/2020 02:02

But why ? Why are you regarded as being responsible in some areas but not in others ?

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