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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In telling my hubby not to play with son when he comes in from work

40 replies

Nesty · 30/08/2007 12:43

I'm new to this website and i'm not really up with chat protocol but this seems like a reasonable place to pose the question.I have a 9 week old son and of an evening I spend the time feeding then winding down my son for bed then hubby comes in from work and plays with him blowing raspberies and generally getting him all excited then I find it impossible to put him down as he is overtired.Hubby insists there is no such thing as overtired and if he was tired would sleep.He thinks that i'm just trying to keep him to myself.I've said to hubby that of a weekend once I've fed him he could get out of bed and come downstairs and play with him but he stays in bed til 11.30-12.00.Part of me feels mean as obviously he doesn't see him all day but on the other hand it's tiring me out with trying to settle him for an hour and a half.I'm a new mum so general feedback would be much appreciated.Nessa

OP posts:

FioFio · 30/08/2007 12:46

This reply has been deleted

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Othersideofthechannel · 30/08/2007 12:47

YANBU

EffiePerine · 30/08/2007 12:47

Hmm, I'd be reluctant to dictate when he should/shouldn't play with him as your DH needs to feel involved. Could you ask him to do something different, like read a story or do something quiet to contribute to the winding down process? Or what if he did the bath and bed routine (depends if you are bfing or what your bedtime routine is).

and yes, they can get overtired and a nightmare to get to sleep, so your DH is wrong there. But be tactful! Perhaps ask for his help in getting your DS into a relaxing bedtime rouytine that involves all three of you?

Hurlyburly · 30/08/2007 12:49

Welcome Nesty. Am new myself too. Well I am with your DH on this one. He needs and wants to be involved and it's pretty well the only time he has available, no?

EffiePerine · 30/08/2007 12:49

For example, in our house I'm the one who works outside the home. I come in at about 6/6:30, play with DS, bath, feed (bf), story, another feed then (theoretically) bed. If he's having problems settling DH often takes over in the shushing to sleep bit.

HorseyWoman · 30/08/2007 12:49

I do see where you are coming from and understand why you are saying all this; I by no means agree with the 'keeping him to yourself' comment. But I CAN see your husband's side of this very clearly. The poor man HAS to work to feed and house you all, give his son a nice life, and when he gets in and hasn't seen his wife and baby all day he just wants to be with them and play and enjoy them.

It sounds like he works hard and needs that extra rest at the weekend, but being a parent is tiring and perhaps he should make more effort to be up earlier, but spending only those 2 days a week with your baby must be tough.

I am a nanny and have to say that although I agree to an extent that getting children over excited before sleep doesn't help, it's usually a problem when the child isn't very tired. When the child has been tired, being excited before bed has usually been what has tipped them over the edge and into sleepdom.

Perhaps you could compromise: he could do the sleep routine maybe? I think you both need to talk and see each other's points of view. It would be very sad for your baby and DH to miss out on each other.

alicet · 30/08/2007 12:53

Agree totally with EffiePerine. Bit rough to stop him interacting with your ds when he's at work all day but there is a compromise to be had here that he does something gentle and quiet to help him to wind down. My dh often does bath and bed (or we share it) with our ds (who is now 18 months!) so that he can have fun with him too.

Can't believe you let him get away with such ridiculous lie ins at the weekend though unless he is up all night feeding and settling ds!!! He sounds a bit like he's taking the p*ss there to be honest. Its important you have time to catch up on rest too as its knackering being a new mum. Dh and I take it in turns to have a lie in at the weekend - not so practical if you're bf but your dh could bring ds to you when he needs a feed and take him away when you're finished to give you time to sleep and relax on one morning at the weekend while he has a lie in on the other day. He might be working all week but then so are you and from my experience the work you're doing is a lot more tiring than a 'real' job (for want of a better expression). So you are both equally entitled to a break in my book.

MaureenMLove · 30/08/2007 12:53

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable. It is important to get a routine and you've probably had it by that time of night, so could do with a sleeping baby! Thing is, I also see it from his side. He's been away from his baby all day and really wants to see him. Imagine, if he didn't play with him when he comes home, that means he doesn't spend time with him all week at all. Thats a long time. Try to explain to him that routine is important, but you also realise that his time with baby is important too. Maybe he could be persauded to get his butt out of bed earlier at the weekend! or how about allocating 2 nights during the week, when he puts baby to bed - but he's not allowed to hype him up!!!

Othersideofthechannel · 30/08/2007 12:57

How can be justified in staying in bed until noon at weekends and then deprive you of the baby.
He obviously doesn't work really late otherwise he would be home after the baby is already down?

Othersideofthechannel · 30/08/2007 12:58

Oops, I mean how can be be justified in staying in bed until noon and then saying you deprive him of the baby?

EffiePerine · 30/08/2007 13:01

Forgot to add that routine can seem all-consuming at this age, especially if you have a problem sleeper (I did and still do). But in the long term it is important for your DH to be a parent too. We got the the stage where I was the only person who could put DS to sleep with my (increasingly elaborate) bedtime routine. Left with anyone else, he just screamed! Now DH does the evening shift sometimes and it's much better .

Original poster

Nesty · 30/08/2007 13:03

I try not to dictate when he plays with him but it becomes an issue as i'm breastfeeding him dh thinks he's still hungry as he's crying and says that I should feed him again which isn't the case.I express for the evening feed specifically so he can give him his evening feed change him etc.

OP posts:

boysandtoria · 30/08/2007 13:06

Oh gosh what a different life some people lead. I have to beg my Dh to play with his DS either in the eve or at weekends. At weekends we take one morning each to try and catch up on sleep, if its my weekend morning I do the same as I always do and feed, play and talk to my DS if on the other hand it is DH turn he will feed and then sit watching tv or doing something on the PC. Grrr is not the word. Work with him on this as not all dads want too. Delay little ones nap in the day so that when your hubby gets in its not quiet bedtime. The bath routine is a lovely idea or buy a music night light and have your hubby lay down with baby and that can be his time.

You are lucky in many ways honest.

Also as a new mum I know I sometimes tried to do everything myself so people would not say I could not cope, made a rod for my own back.

alicet · 30/08/2007 13:08

Sounds like you're doing your best to include him but probably worth talking to him about all this again. I found with ds we constantly needed to chat and renegotiate all the small stuff as it changes so much when they are this little. Plus easy to think the grass is greener - like dh thought I had an easy life going for coffee with my mates and their babies, whereas I thought he had it easier being at work and not up in the night all the time!!! If you keep talking it stops resentment building up which is really easy as although fab this is a very hard time getting used to life with a new baby

MaureenMLove · 30/08/2007 13:08

Does DH actually know that its getting you down? You are both very new at this and its going to take time to adjust. Sorry if I'm sounding condesending, I don't mean to. Trouble is, with a baby that little, as fast as you get a routine, it changes again! Try to talk it through with him, I'm sure you can come up with a solution. How about telling him, if he wants to hype him up, then its up to him to settle him again - in the nicest possible way of course!

Judy1234 · 30/08/2007 13:23

What about you go back to full time work, husband collects child from childminder/creche/nanny 3 or 4 days a week and one or two nights a week you go out alone or work late and he puts the child to sleep. Then he'll realise issues over regular bed times routines etc

With a small new baby if yo both work you're probably keener to see it in the evening too so the usual better balance quality and equity which arises when both people work full time comes to the fore. I recommend it. Then neither of you is better with the baby either as you spend equal time with it.

Jazzicatz · 30/08/2007 13:34

Ha ha ha ha Xenia, Welcome back, still as mad as a hatter then????????

Hurlyburly · 30/08/2007 13:35

at Xenia. I like to see a gal on a mission.

Hurlyburly · 30/08/2007 13:36

Xenia is not mad. She believes in economic independence for women. So do I for that matter.

Judy1234 · 30/08/2007 13:44

Most women work now and in the past. It's rare to have a mother full time home with the children who is a housewife these days. No wonder the model doesn't work very well.

ImBarryScott · 30/08/2007 13:47

Nesty, this is a tricky situation. I know how hard it can be to wind down a baby (our still DD takes loads of persuasion to sleep). But on the other hand, your DS and DH both need to see each other!

On the rare occasions when my DH arrives home before DD's bed, her little head whips round when she hears his key in the lock, and her face lights up to see daddy, which is a joy to see. Besides, I would be concerned that if I tried to limit DH's time with DD, he might feel alienated, and then bang goes my help with the night shift! What about guiding DH into more appropriate activities - singing lullabies, gently walking round saying "night-night" to the house, cuddle with a soft toy, stories (with or without books) that are relaxing?

doggiesayswoof · 30/08/2007 13:55

Xenia, the baby is only 9 weeks old!
Even I was not at work at that point - took 6 months off.

To OP - don't mean to sound patronising but have you had a conversation about this, beyond the "don't do that he is overtired" "no he isn't" sort of thing?

Sit down with your dh, pour some wine and say - I have a problem with this - can we work out a solution that lets you have some good time together while not upsetting ds. Maybe if he gets him wound up, then he has to settle him again?

It might be an idea to buy a parenting book of some sort and let him read about overtiredness himself? He might believe a book before he believes you whcih is harsh I know.

Believe me you don't want to push your dh away at this stage - you want to do this as a team.

doggiesayswoof · 30/08/2007 13:58

Actually I really agree with Xenia re spending equal time with the baby or at least becoming equally skilled at settling to sleep, calming, as well as all the practical things.

Jazzicatz · 30/08/2007 13:59

I too belive in economic equality for both men and women, but to answer the op's question with such an inappropriate response just seemed a little over the top, even for Xenia!

Original poster

Nesty · 30/08/2007 14:01

Thanks to you all for the advice It's not that I don't want him to interact with lo just to be a little more calm.Hubby is in the army so timings are a little erratic so changing ds bed time would be unfeasiable as I never know what time he is coming in.

OP posts:

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