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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In telling my hubby not to play with son when he comes in from work

40 replies

Nesty · 30/08/2007 12:43

I'm new to this website and i'm not really up with chat protocol but this seems like a reasonable place to pose the question.I have a 9 week old son and of an evening I spend the time feeding then winding down my son for bed then hubby comes in from work and plays with him blowing raspberies and generally getting him all excited then I find it impossible to put him down as he is overtired.Hubby insists there is no such thing as overtired and if he was tired would sleep.He thinks that i'm just trying to keep him to myself.I've said to hubby that of a weekend once I've fed him he could get out of bed and come downstairs and play with him but he stays in bed til 11.30-12.00.Part of me feels mean as obviously he doesn't see him all day but on the other hand it's tiring me out with trying to settle him for an hour and a half.I'm a new mum so general feedback would be much appreciated.Nessa

OP posts:

AngharadGoldenhand · 30/08/2007 14:03

Nesty, can you alter your routine a bit - either so your baby wakes up later or has a longer nap in the afternoon. Then he would be ready for a bit of play with your husband and the play would also tire him out.

Perhaps your husband could do the bath 2 or 3 times a week after their playtime?

At weekends, take it in turns to have a lie in - you Saturday, him Sunday or vice versa.

Horseywoman - can't believe you seem to think her dh is working harder than she is and needs that extra rest at the weekend!

Caroline1852 · 30/08/2007 14:15

Nesty, Firstly well done for getting your nine week old baby into a routine. I have a six week old and he is still all over the place. My DP works just four days a week, one of those from home. Is there any way your DH could cut his working week so that he can spend a work-day as primary carer of the baby? You could then do something else on that day (work or otherwise)? IMHO the 20% drop in income for a 50% increase in time off is worth it.

saffymum · 30/08/2007 14:21

Totally sympathise, DH used to come home from the pub with his brother at 10pm just when I'd taken 2 hours to get newborn ds bathed and into bed and would walk in and wake him up to play. Even now at 3yrs old I yell blue murder if DH revs him up at bedtime, no rasberries, tickling or running around allowed once upstairs. Instead I've convinced DH that reading a bedtime story, singing to a cd and sitting cuddling is just as meaningful.

If you don't mind me being honest sounds like your dh needs a kick up the bum to get more involved on the weekend. You only feel worse about yourself if you sleep all day. Get up early and enjoy day with family and baby to bed early means an evening of peace and quiet for BOTH parents.
HTH

Reallytired · 30/08/2007 14:29

I think you need to involve your husband in the bedtime routine. Your baby is lucky to have a father who wants to give him time and play with him. He just needs to be shown how.

Suggest to him that your son might be better with a massage rather than raspberries. Let him bath the baby. Most children see bath as playtime so it would not matter if your husband played with the baby a little bit.

Anna8888 · 30/08/2007 14:31

Nesty - do you work?

If not, why don't you try living around the clock a bit. I have always done this with my daughter - she has always gone to bed late and got up late. That way she has always seen her father, stepbrothers, grandparents etc in the evening, and that has, IMHO, been a huge boon to her development and enjoyment of life because she knows and interacts with so many other people who would not know her so well had I forced her into an early-to-bed routine. And then you can lie in in the morning (every morning, including the weekends).

It has worked brilliantly for us.

Anna8888 · 30/08/2007 14:36

Nesty - another idea - my daughter always has a bath last thing at night with her father - it winds them both down and gets them off to sleep

LilRedWG · 30/08/2007 14:39

Only read the original post, so sorry if I am repeating (as I'm sure I will be). Maybe your DH could take over the bedtime routine when he gets in from work. My DH gets in, plays with DD, gives her a bath (if she's having one that night) and her final bottle and then settles her into bed for the night. This way, he gets to play but also do some of the work.

Hope this helps a little.

lucyellensmum · 30/08/2007 14:40

thats a good idea Anna.

Don't mind Xenia, she thinks we should all burn our nursing bras and be back to work, well, as soon as we leave the maternity ward - in fact, she may be starting a campaign for birthing rooms at the work place.

Xenia, you dont want to be scaring the newbies off now do you luv

Don't be too rigid about your little ones routine. Let him have his time with his daddy, if he makes him over tired then he will have to deal with him, you can go and have a bath. Maybe it would be good for Dad to do the bedtime routine instead of you, when he can, that way he will get to spend some lovely calming time with his son. Let daddy do the bath etc and feed and either take part or go and have a well earned rest. I have the same problem with my DP, he just doesnt get that trampolining on the bed and tickles are not conducive to a restful bed time routine.

I guess try not to be too hard on DH, he must feel he is missing out and DS while he is at work all day. Some of us are lucky enough to be able to stay home with our babies for varying periods of time. I guess the thing to do is ask yourself how you would feel if you were working all day and then only got to see DS breifly in the evening. I dont mean to sound harsh, but i know i couldnt handle it and often feel sorry for dads.

Of course i totally get where you are coming from regarding men coming in with their size ten feet undoing all your good settling work so you are not being unreasonable imo.

Anna8888 · 30/08/2007 14:50

Lucy's right about it being frustrating for fathers getting in from work and not being allowed to enjoy their children. And the "routine" should only be one that suits your family and its particular circumstances. There is no God-given rule that babies have to be in bed at 8pm, or even 10pm.

chopster · 30/08/2007 14:50

I agree with the posters that have said your dh does need time with the baby as well, and you def should not be pushing away. I think you should sit down and have a chat with him about working out a routine where he puts baby to bed a few times a week - so he gets quality time with him, and then you go out of the house for an hour or two and make it into quality time for YOU too. Do some shopping in peace, go to the gym or for a swim, get a coffee and sit with a mag, or anything.

Albsmum · 30/08/2007 15:02

Try not to get yourself wound up by your husband stirring the little one up - we do exaclty the same with ours. We both work - I was back in work 12 weeks after my son was born, and he was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks (hard work, but definitely worth it !). I pick him up from nursery at 6pm, and play with him till c.7pm. My partner tends to get home around 6.40 as well - so, this hour and a half is the only time we spend with him all day - and therefore it is really important for us. At 7pm we then (both if we can, if not, one or other will do it) bath him - he spends atleast 15 minutes playing in the bath - which he loves, then I get him dressed for bed. When we go back downstairs after the bath, all volumes are turned down (Tv /Radio whatever else is going on), and he has his bottle. It doesn't matter how excited my little man is before this bottle, he knows that once the bottle is out, then it's 15 mins before bed time - so he spends that time drinking his milk and calming down. Once that bottle is finished, we don't talk to him, or play with him. He goes straight to bed - whether he's awake or asleep. Might be worth a try - this way you keep everyone happy.
As for the weekend lie-ins your beloved gets - you have to have a word !!! If you can't get him out of bed in the morning, strategically place a screaming child next to him - should wake him up !!!!
When I was on maternity leave (albeit not for very long), my argument was, that whilst being "mum" was my job Monday to Friday - at the weekend, he wasn't working - and therefore, neither was I !!!! All chores around the house, and baby duties were split 50/50. Also, again, whilst I was on maternity leave, I moved bed time to a later slot. We had 8.30pm - 08.30am as our pattern (sometimes, 9-9) but this way, when visitors came, they could still interact with the little man. We have had to move the timings early now, since he has to be up earlier to go to nursery - plus, I think we all need the sanity of having a little time to ourselves now and again.
Sorry - I've ranted long enough - but I hope it helps (and just a reminder....a screaming child placed next to your partner will definitely curb the lie-ins !! Try it !!!!)

blueshoes · 30/08/2007 15:04

Nesty, pretty much what a lot of posters are already saying.

Your dh is entitled to enjoy his time with your ds once he gets home. To facilitate this, you should arrange for ds to have a top up nap late in the afternoon or early evening (depending on when you expect dh home).

Your dh needs to do the winding down routine and bedtime so he knows what it means to put an overstimulated baby to bed.

Equal lie-ins for you and dh!

HonoriaGlossop · 30/08/2007 15:59

i think it's good that he wants to play with the baby and that needs to be encouraged, but I agree it can be annoying if you want the baby in bed for the evening (which is a reasonable thing all round!)

I'd give it a time scale. Say, play till such and such a time then it's wind down time.

And it's just silly that he's lying in till mid-day like a teenager with no responsibilities, at the weekend. He needs to be making the most of his baby then. And I think you need to make that clear to him - he's taking the p* with that one I think.

lucyellensmum · 30/08/2007 16:15

Nesty, please dont be perturbed because your first thread may have got a negative response, us Mnetters are brutally honest. We ALL sympathise with you and wuldnt dream of calling you unreasonable but just taking hubbys side (for once )

mm22bys · 30/08/2007 16:37

Hi, and welcome.

I have two DSs, and our "routine" was such that when they were really young, they were rested enough during the day to stay up quite late with us, which meant that DH got to spend some quality time with them.

As others have said, you really don't want to push your DH away, you will need to work together!

Also, by the DSs sleeping the day meant that I got (get!) time to do what I want / need to do during the day too.

I don't see the point in getting the child to bed too early, if it means that one parent effectively misses out, and I agree on taking turns to sleep in at the weekend. Friends of ours had other ideas too, like taking it in turns for 2 or 3 hours at a time on the weekend so that they could each spend time with their DC, and also have time to do what they want.

All the best,

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