Mother in Law Issues!! AIBU??

[MIlissues2020]

Long time lurker, first time poster but I just need to rant!

My husband and I have been married for a few years and together for under a decade. We have, on the whole, a very happy marriage. We had a baby last year and she completes our family. All sounds great doesn’t it?.....

Now the problem is my mother in law (and my husband!) Throughout our time together, my mother in law has shown little interest in me (one year I received a dead plant a week late for my birthday!) She never came round to our old house - maybe 5 times in 5 years, although my husband did go to his parents house sometimes too. His parents have made derogatory remarks about my background and much much more - I could honestly be here all day! My husband has relied heavily on my mum for everything over the years which she has been fine with and she has also looked after our dog while we both worked. His own parents have never offered to help us out in any way (apart from some money when my husband’s grandparents died - which we were obviously very grateful for!) His mother is so hard to describe but she’s basically an oddball! She has said things like my baby thinks shes (MIL) her mum and other bonkers stuff. They have helped to look after their other grandchildren (his sisters) for many years but I have disagreed with what has been allowed (underage drinking - VERY underage! lack of any discipline, lying to my husbands sister about things that have happened to the kids) . They looked after our dog for the first time ever for one of the nights when I was in hospital and he came back the next day with a pus filled hole in his side and no explanation to how it has happened - just as an example!

When I had my own child, I, of course, allowed his parents to come over (they live v local) but they came 5/6/7 times a week, every week for the first few weeks. Obviously this was a major shock to the system! My husbands mum asks me to make her cups of tea or to feed the other grandchildren (I had nearly died in childbirth so wasn’t feeling great!) and she hasn’t offered any help, just ‘you get on with your jobs, I’ll hold the baby’. She even snatched the baby out of my arms. She always asks how things affect my husband but never me! This upset me but thought the intensity would stop in time.

From then on my husband has been constantly asked what days and what times they will be having the baby ALONE! My husband said to them, after I asked him, to tell them they can’t come 5 times a week and to give me some time. They continue to pester all the time but I do not need them to have my baby when I am not there as I enjoy being with my baby and we are always together. If I have anything planned, the baby goes to my mums as I trust her so much more. His mum has now started sending passive aggressive texts like ’i will come to yours, but don’t worry, I will wait on the doorstep and not come in’. My husband thinks she’s being genuine and doesn’t want to disturb us but I disagree! They do see the baby at least once a week but I like myself or my husband to be there as I don’t trust them alone at the moment but this has caused arguments between myself and my husband. He can’t understand why I don’t trust them but my reasons aren’t getting through to him! AIBU?

There’s so much more that has gone on but don’t want to bore everyone and obviously I’ve been a bit vague to hide my identity!

@yesyesdearthank you!! I’ve spoken more about the dogs injury than the issue - sigh!

There is always someone who thinks they know better then the parents. They are usually the person you need to go low contact with as they are not good for your mental health.
Do what you feel happiest with. Set some boundaries and tell your husband he needs to get on board. X

I suppose you knew you were going to hospital before you went? So you could have put the dog in kennels if you were so dissatisfied with your MIL. You won’t leave your child with her (rightly) but the ‘member of the family’ dog can be dumped on her?

@blackcat86 spookily similar!!! My MIL wants to do the same even though my daughter likes to be up and about!

@makingmammaries to give birth? Yes I knew I was going. The dog was dropped off with my grandma and then my mum was to have him after. Did I know a week later I’d still be in a hospital that was miles away (now that’s another story) with a baby who had a 4 in 10 chance of dying, no. My husband said let them have the dog and I even expressed my concerns in the hospital bed

@makingmammaries and I love my dog and he is a member of the family but compared to my own child? There’s no comparison

Then you have a DH problem, as the saying goes.

@makingmammaries
Just shut up you’re not helping or being useful on this thread your just being antagonistic.

I hope this thread has given you the strength to keep standing up for yourself with your husband.

What is his argument? How can he say he won't let her look after the dog but he will the baby?? And when you point out all these awful things, does he not agree that she is not someone you would want to leave your baby with?

Tbf on deaths door with a sick baby I too would not be capable of making arrangements For my dog and let others take care of that. Whether or not OP can be perceived to be over reacting, dwelling on details that wouldn’t bother others etc etc it is her choice.

OP, you gave birth, you are the primary parent.
I don't care how that sounds.

His parents sound awful and you are right to not want them looking after your child on their own.

Refuse to be bullied.

Your husband is weak.

You don't have to be.

💐

I end up telling my MIL to kept asking (demanding) for overnights (and insisting I put my newborn on a bottle)
“Ask me that again and the answer will be never. You will never be alone with our child if I can’t trust you to listen and respect our choices.” (Said calmly voice with a Paddington bear hard stare)

But really your biggest issue is with your husband.
He can either be a good husband and father (who has the best interest of his child and partner in for thought) or a “good” son (who does what his parents want) but he can’t be both.
Ask him to seriously look at his childhood, the way they respect and listen to his wishes (even just around his dog) and think if that’s who he wants to look after his child.

You also need to put in personal boundaries.
If them coming over 5 days a week doesn’t suit then tell them that and when they come anyway, (cause they will!) tell them it’s not a good time and you will see them on such and such day at this time then just shut the door.
Don’t argue just shut the door.

In a medical emergency I can see understand the dog problem, if you expect to be in and out in a day or 2 and then it ends up being a lengthy unexpected stay elsewhere and nearly dying, you and your dh's priority is you and your baby, and you never imagined that your dog would get sick, we'd not want you on here saying how you were on deaths door and your dc and all your husband wanted to do was look round kennels. An abscess can come up quickly, ds dog was ill and went to the vets one day, still very ill next day,, went again, and was so ill went the next day to the emergency vets, in the time between visits, the abscess had gone haywire overnight, there was necrotic tissue and the only kind thing to do was put the poor dog to sleep. Problems can spring up so quickly and to be honest it scared me how quickly it progressed, even with veterinary care
You are the only person who can protect your dc from a toxic situation, you are the one who will have to continue protecting your DC until they can look after themselves, you don't want them letting your child drink underage or vape.

As someone who might be a grandma soon I cannot understand why any grandma would want a baby overnight, babies need their mum,, obviously if a mum wants or needs someone to have the baby overnight fair enough, I work with mothers and babies and honestly, the vast majority of mums want their baby overnight. Her bar is set very low if he only measure of success in child-rearing is that the child lived. Especially as you say [was it you?] that she put your husband in another room at a fortnight old [and presumably left him to cry it out] why would you even want to have a child with you overnight if you were not going to see it at all, children should sleep in the same room as their parents for at least 6 months, what would she do when the baby woke - if you are breastfeeding, has she relactated for example [don't encourage her to lol]? and using an unsafe child seat....
Boundaries and stick to your guns, supportive grandmothers do not behave the way your describe your MIL behaving