Mother in Law Issues!! AIBU??

[MIlissues2020]

Long time lurker, first time poster but I just need to rant!

My husband and I have been married for a few years and together for under a decade. We have, on the whole, a very happy marriage. We had a baby last year and she completes our family. All sounds great doesn’t it?.....

Now the problem is my mother in law (and my husband!) Throughout our time together, my mother in law has shown little interest in me (one year I received a dead plant a week late for my birthday!) She never came round to our old house - maybe 5 times in 5 years, although my husband did go to his parents house sometimes too. His parents have made derogatory remarks about my background and much much more - I could honestly be here all day! My husband has relied heavily on my mum for everything over the years which she has been fine with and she has also looked after our dog while we both worked. His own parents have never offered to help us out in any way (apart from some money when my husband’s grandparents died - which we were obviously very grateful for!) His mother is so hard to describe but she’s basically an oddball! She has said things like my baby thinks shes (MIL) her mum and other bonkers stuff. They have helped to look after their other grandchildren (his sisters) for many years but I have disagreed with what has been allowed (underage drinking - VERY underage! lack of any discipline, lying to my husbands sister about things that have happened to the kids) . They looked after our dog for the first time ever for one of the nights when I was in hospital and he came back the next day with a pus filled hole in his side and no explanation to how it has happened - just as an example!

When I had my own child, I, of course, allowed his parents to come over (they live v local) but they came 5/6/7 times a week, every week for the first few weeks. Obviously this was a major shock to the system! My husbands mum asks me to make her cups of tea or to feed the other grandchildren (I had nearly died in childbirth so wasn’t feeling great!) and she hasn’t offered any help, just ‘you get on with your jobs, I’ll hold the baby’. She even snatched the baby out of my arms. She always asks how things affect my husband but never me! This upset me but thought the intensity would stop in time.

From then on my husband has been constantly asked what days and what times they will be having the baby ALONE! My husband said to them, after I asked him, to tell them they can’t come 5 times a week and to give me some time. They continue to pester all the time but I do not need them to have my baby when I am not there as I enjoy being with my baby and we are always together. If I have anything planned, the baby goes to my mums as I trust her so much more. His mum has now started sending passive aggressive texts like ’i will come to yours, but don’t worry, I will wait on the doorstep and not come in’. My husband thinks she’s being genuine and doesn’t want to disturb us but I disagree! They do see the baby at least once a week but I like myself or my husband to be there as I don’t trust them alone at the moment but this has caused arguments between myself and my husband. He can’t understand why I don’t trust them but my reasons aren’t getting through to him! AIBU?

There’s so much more that has gone on but don’t want to bore everyone and obviously I’ve been a bit vague to hide my identity!

Do not get pressured to let MIL have the baby! You are the mum and follow your instincts. My MIL cared for both my DC when they were young. I wasn’t ever that happy with it, but it’s hard to say no when DH wants it to be fair between my Mum and his. Anyway, long story short, turns out I was right. She was neglectful and this came to light so she only has supervised fortnightly visits at our house with me or my DH now.

Thank you everyone for your messages! I’m having a good read through them all now. @vdbfamily I don’t think that is necessarily a ‘pass’ for raising a child in my eyes. My husband wasn’t abused at all and I never claimed he was but things I have witnessed with the other grandchildren aren’t safe in my eyes.

Maybe put yourself in her shoes

Let’s put ourselves in OP’s shoes, she doesn’t trust them and would be worried sick all day at work, she already feels they ignore her and feels uncomfortable in their presence. Doesn’t believe they would tell her if something was amiss.

I’d trust your gut instinct when it comes to children. It’s there for a reason.

And why would you use your own child to placate another adult?

Thank you @GreenTulips

Did he or his siblings come to harm as children?
I can't think why you need any more evidence of unsuitability for unsupervised access than a dog being returned home with a pus-filled wound that nobody in the house will take responsibility for, explain or even acknowledge, @vdbfamily.

Your bar for who is suitable to be allowed sole charge of a baby is shockingly low if you are basing it on nothing more than 'not causing permanent damage to previous child'.

I think you should consider that you will never allow her to look after your child until the child is 16. No babysitting ever. No school run help, no taking to after school club. No weekend breaks for you as a couple. No. Perhaps she can see her grandchild - and her son for that matter - through the window occasionally. Nice safe happy family atmosphere for DC guaranteed, job done.

Keep them apart. Forever. This is what you want, yes?

And I am shocked that you let her look after your dog while you were working. Why did you do that? Why didn't you pay for a dog minder?

@haffiana what a weird post. I have already mentioned that she sees the baby weekly so they’re not kept apart. And no she didn’t look after my dog while I was working - both my baby and I were fighting for our lives with sepsis so calling a dog minder wasn’t first thing on my agenda

you will never allow her to look after your child until the child is 16. No babysitting ever. No school run help, no taking to after school club. No weekend breaks for you as a couple

My moms a good mother, so is MIL, neither have babysat or taken them to school or social club for that matter.

They are my children and I looked after them. They visited, played with them, joined us at the park or days out even holidays.

It seems like every week there's a thread on MN about a MIL expecting time alone with a baby, removing said baby from the care of the mother. This is just batshit crazy. I have never heard of this expectation from anyone in the US and certain not my DM or MIL. I assume it's so that the baby can be paraded about like some sort of war trophy. Is this a cultural thing and common in the UK?

@MIlissues2020 No, no and hell no! Don't engage, don't negotiate don't try to find some sort of compromise. You are the mother and you decide what's in the best interests of your child, and your MIL sound like she's a few cards short of a deck.

Keep them apart. Forever. This is what you want, yes?

No, @Haffiana. OP genuinely wants her baby taken over by a nutcase who barely acknowldged her for 5 years, then invaded her house with 4-hour visits, 6 or 7 days a week, as soon as the baby was born.

OP simply can't wait for her child to be secretly vaping at her GM's behest, ditto encouraged to start underage drinking, & think of the fun to be had when the child comes home with her own pus-filled wound that nobody can explain!

In her mind...
I have brought up X kids and they turned out ok.
You think, that was ages ago and things have changed.
I have the other grandchildren and they are fine as are their parents.
You think My SIL is more concerned than she tells her mother.
She is being selfish and difficult, I never liked her.
You think, you haven't been interested until I gave your son a child.
It's my grandchild, I would never let anyone or anything harm it.
You think, probably not but your attention to the detail is just not there and that worries me.
I just want to bond without her looking over my shoulder.
You think, she is always snatching my baby away, has joked about being mummy and has history so why would I trust her?

In your mind....
She is only interested in my child and not me, based on previous form.
She thinks, I just want to see my grandchild which means seeing her.
She thinks she is the mother.
She thinks, what is wrong with that? I was only joking how good she is with me.
She has no boundaries.
She thinks, she has too many rules. I never know what I can and can't do.i just want to have the baby to myself without having to remember them all.
She cannot hide her opinion of me and my choices.
She thinks, She is so critical and takes offence at anything i say.
Look what happened to her other grandchildren
She thinks, no harm done. They start kids on wine early in Europe and brandy on the gums soothes the baby, everyone knows that.
She made me wait on her when I was feeling rubbish.
She thinks, I wanted maximum time with my grandchild, she wasn't doing anything. It is not like she had to look after a baby or that she is the only one that has ever had a child....my mother did the same for me so what is wrong with her boiling the kettle for me?
She snatches my child from me.
She thinks, The only way I get a cuddle is if I grab the baby otherwise she never lets it go.

The only way you are going to get this air cleared is if you talk to her, set boundaries and meet in the middle. She is not going away. This is not about right and wrong parenting but letting each other know what is and is not acceptable and explains why you feel that way. You have nothing to lose. Either she walks away on a huff or compromises. Be assertive. You do not need to agree but you do need to hear and acknowledge your differences.
One poster suggested play dates at yours. You will be there but not, iyswim. Sounds like a good transition for her and you get to supervise.

Also, I think she has a LOT of cheek asking if she can rock up at your mum’s place if she can’t even be civil at social gatherings. What a twat!

Misconduct....
I’m U.K and as bemused as you are as to this “I must have baby to myself for hours/overnights” etc. I read it often on here about SiL, DGPs and other relatives who suddenly, on the birth of a baby, want to shove Mum & Dad aside and have the baby all to themselves - why?
Surely it’s better all round to visit, watch and learn or help new Mum out, and get a good general relationship going before the “I must have baby” starts. It goes against instinct to leave baby with random people, it’s a massive deal for both Mum and baby and Mums decisions shouldn’t be questioned on this, particularly if certain people give cause for concern! Dig your heels in, op, there’s plenty of years ahead for DGPs to have a relationship with your little one.x

As a soon to be granny and m-i-l I don't understand this expectation some grandparents have of time with a baby without the parents present.

Why would anyone want that? If the parents asked for babysitting or an overnight when they went away, fine, but a newborn? It was scary enough being responsible for my own!

And as for snatching the baby and directing DiL to get on with chores and make me a cup of tea, that's topsy-turvy. I'd visit to be useful, load the dishwasher, sweep the floor, put the kettle on and make tea for the woman who's given birth and is up in the night; why wouldn't I?

And I'd wait to be offered a hold of the baby, even if I felt I couldn't wait!

The part about the dog coming back with a pus-filled hole in his side after one night makes me wonder about the rest, sorry. Pus takes longer than that to become noticeable.

@makingmammaries nothing I have said is untrue but it’s you’re choice if you believe me or not. My husband has never said that any of it is untrue, that’s not the problem here. Despite what has happened, he would still allow his mum to have the baby alone etc and I’m not comfortable

Your choice* autocorrect!!

Thank you to the rest of you for your messages, I’m reading through now x

Mothers tend to look after daughters's children. That's a fact. Tell her that you have a set routine and that she can only come once a week. Why should she come 5 times a day when you don't like her? Simmering tensions.. Yes, be upfront and that will stop the marital arguments. You could say the baby is still young .. Find some reasonable excuse to keep her at a distance. and make it a rule. If you're firm and no pushover, she will have more respect for you. I can feel you're simmering with anger!

A pus filled hole overnight is physically impossible. You wanted to know if YABU and why. There is part of your answer.

@makingmammaries I am being unreasonable because my dog had a pus filled hole that I witnessed, alongside my husband, mother and even MIL and FIL saw it and acknowledged it was there. Trust me, it was there. The worrying part for me was they said they didn’t know what had happened and this wasn’t a graze. He had also eaten paper and other things that day/night according to the other grandchildren. They had him for part of the day, over night and then into the next afternoon as like i said we were recovering in hospital (mum had him the rest of the time but she had to work) - I’m no expert on pus like yourself but that’s what happened

OP I was you a year ago so let me offer you a crystal ball to the future. I was railroad by MIL into starting to leave DD with her for a few hours at 6 months. I wasnt comfortable with this but they offered 2 days a week of free childcare when I went back to work and TBH i didnt think DD would cope with nursery as she has physical delays. I had PND and PNA following birth trauma and nearly losing DD (MIL denies this and tells me that women just 'squat down in a rice field and give birth so no biggie). She also tells me how much DD looks like DH or SIL (never me of course), and how DD would think they were her parents and prefer them but I was vulnerable and didnt want to be seen as standing in the way of the GPs relationship with DD. I thought I could ignore the stupid comments when DD was too young to understand them and could educate them on safety issues believing they had DDs best interests at heart surely. Now I'm feeling better I am stopping the 2 days with PIL. It's basically an opportunity for them to moan at me at pick up and drop off, and they ignore anything i say because they feel they have some right/entitlement over DD. Issues have ranged from ludicrously late drop offs with no explanation or apology, them wanting to forward face the car seat at 14 months (I now have to meet the car because i dont trust them), trying to force DD to have 2 naps a day despite us strongly telling them no its 1 nap after lunch now she's older and doing absolutely nothing with her except wheeling her about in the buggy to show her off (despite me providing memberships for soft play etc). Now MIL has decided DD needs a behavioural star chart and I'm afraid that's it's for me. I actually believe they dont really enjoy their time with her or see her us an autonomous creature but as a toy to show off. It's made me feel miserable and like I've failed DD because she's unhappy there which they seem in denial about. I wish I hadnt ever gone down that road and had just gone straight to nursery. DPs have DD once a week and we have none of the same issues. DDs happiness and safety must come first over MILs feelings and manipulations. She sounds very like my MIL who I believe to be a narc. Posters who have said your DH needs to start to value your reactions and thoughts over his mothers are spot on. Everyone has been conditioned to do what she wants which isn't healthy and you can spot this better as an outsider.

@NearlyGrannyyou sound like a great granny/MIL! Congrats x

And that doesn't mean they wont see DD btw. I want to dial it back to a more appropriate GP relationship like inviting them to soft play on a Saturday but I suspect they'll refuse and say they're going out that night so cant possibly make day plans etc.