Mother in Law Issues!! AIBU??

[MIlissues2020]

Long time lurker, first time poster but I just need to rant!

My husband and I have been married for a few years and together for under a decade. We have, on the whole, a very happy marriage. We had a baby last year and she completes our family. All sounds great doesn’t it?.....

Now the problem is my mother in law (and my husband!) Throughout our time together, my mother in law has shown little interest in me (one year I received a dead plant a week late for my birthday!) She never came round to our old house - maybe 5 times in 5 years, although my husband did go to his parents house sometimes too. His parents have made derogatory remarks about my background and much much more - I could honestly be here all day! My husband has relied heavily on my mum for everything over the years which she has been fine with and she has also looked after our dog while we both worked. His own parents have never offered to help us out in any way (apart from some money when my husband’s grandparents died - which we were obviously very grateful for!) His mother is so hard to describe but she’s basically an oddball! She has said things like my baby thinks shes (MIL) her mum and other bonkers stuff. They have helped to look after their other grandchildren (his sisters) for many years but I have disagreed with what has been allowed (underage drinking - VERY underage! lack of any discipline, lying to my husbands sister about things that have happened to the kids) . They looked after our dog for the first time ever for one of the nights when I was in hospital and he came back the next day with a pus filled hole in his side and no explanation to how it has happened - just as an example!

When I had my own child, I, of course, allowed his parents to come over (they live v local) but they came 5/6/7 times a week, every week for the first few weeks. Obviously this was a major shock to the system! My husbands mum asks me to make her cups of tea or to feed the other grandchildren (I had nearly died in childbirth so wasn’t feeling great!) and she hasn’t offered any help, just ‘you get on with your jobs, I’ll hold the baby’. She even snatched the baby out of my arms. She always asks how things affect my husband but never me! This upset me but thought the intensity would stop in time.

From then on my husband has been constantly asked what days and what times they will be having the baby ALONE! My husband said to them, after I asked him, to tell them they can’t come 5 times a week and to give me some time. They continue to pester all the time but I do not need them to have my baby when I am not there as I enjoy being with my baby and we are always together. If I have anything planned, the baby goes to my mums as I trust her so much more. His mum has now started sending passive aggressive texts like ’i will come to yours, but don’t worry, I will wait on the doorstep and not come in’. My husband thinks she’s being genuine and doesn’t want to disturb us but I disagree! They do see the baby at least once a week but I like myself or my husband to be there as I don’t trust them alone at the moment but this has caused arguments between myself and my husband. He can’t understand why I don’t trust them but my reasons aren’t getting through to him! AIBU?

There’s so much more that has gone on but don’t want to bore everyone and obviously I’ve been a bit vague to hide my identity!

I would say, no matter what you think of MIL she is still your DH mother and she’s not going anywhere. So don’t be too brutal with her. However, you don’t ever have to leave your children with someone you don’t trust. It’s not why you don’t trust her; has she done anything to gain your trust? It doesn’t sound like you like her much, so why would you leave your child with her?

The problem isMIL is far more scary to your DH than you are.

You need to change this first!

He wants to pacify his mother’s wants over yours because that will make his life easier. It’s nothing to do with fairness.

@Africa2go I don’t think she would harm the baby on purpose, of course not. They are just very slack with rules and I feel that if something did happen (god forbid) I wouldn’t get told about it

@billy1966 @OutFoxxedByABadger thank you!

Someone who couldn’t keep my dog safe wouldn’t be getting chance to try again with my baby.

She’s shown that she has little regard for parents and does what she wants and keeps secrets. I couldn’t trust someone like that either.

She has said things like my baby thinks shes (MIL) her mum

This would massively irritate me. It's deliberately provocative, implying that she can mother the baby better than you and she's bonding more with the baby.

Perfectly natural to want to bond with your own baby, OP! I was inundated with people when I had my DC who wanted to come around for a cuppa and a baby cuddle. So unhelpful when all you want to do is cuddle your child yourself or get some sleep! I sympathise. Think @ButtonandPickle19's message summarised things perfectly on this front.

How old is the baby now and how often do they want to see her?

I feel for you OP.

@Thehop I think you’ve summed up exactly how I feel! My baby is the most precious thing in the world to me and it makes me feel uneasy! @daftodil yes that’s what I think she does but for some reason my husband and his family think she’s so innocent and it riles me She’s 7 months old now and I’ve just recently gone back to work (2 days and my mum has her). She messaged my husband and said can she go to my mums house when my mum has the baby even though she makes a point of blanking my mum at social gatherings. I’m happy for them to see the baby once a week or even twice a week (but when she comes she’s there for the long run ... I’m talking ‘popping in’ for 4hrs) I just don’t feel comfortable with them having the baby alone

Thank you @Ruderidinghood

Just ignore her. My mil and sil think I’m batshit as they can’t face up to the way they are and use this as an excuse. They don’t know me at all.
I’ve found the best policy is limited contact and just let them get on with it. Luckily I have the most amazing and supportive husband who understands me well and that’s all that matters. Chin up!

Hold on - Ddog came back from a stay at PiL's with a pus-filled wound that they either could not or would not explain, & DH has a problem understanding that they are not welcome to have sole charge of his BABY?

Plus - how can he possibly be fool enough to believe someone is genuine when they trot out ridiculous crap like this - ’i will come to yours, but don’t worry, I will wait on the doorstep and not come in’ ?

Stick to your guns OP.
Your baby, your rules, PiL's are lucky you have been so accommodating, they don't need to have sole charge of baby.
Please don't ever again let them ever have unsupervised access to your dog either?

I do feel for you. People often blame the other person when they can’t face up to their own issues. Just limit the contact as much as possible.

Can’t you see how it looks to your MIL? You allow your mother to have the baby but not her.
Why don’t you trust her?

@NoSauce, the reasons are up there in the inital post.
OP's mother has not injured her dog, refused to say how, encouraged underage drinking, snatched the baby from OP, or invaded her space 6 or 7 times a week.

@Maria3456789 @messolini9 Thank you so much! I was actually starting to think I was the crazy one! Don’t worry, it was a last resort and he will never be going back to stay!

I think you need to be able to articulate why you dont trust her.

FFS @Africa2go, I think you need to simply read the opening post to see the reasons articulated with absolute clarity.
HTH.

If your not comfortable don't leave the baby alone with her yet. But like someone said she is the grandmother to and not going anywhere. Maybe just set and stick to some boundaries. I found my sil and bro in law very pushy at one time to have alone time with my kids, and push boundaries when they did have them. I never stopped them spending time with them but we put some boundaries in place for our own sanity and didn't let them call the shots. They are far less pushy these days as they seemed to have got the message. I would say they are better auntie and uncle now they aren't trying to be second parents. You are the parents and advocate for your child.

I think you are being more than accommodating. I have a similar MIL demanding alone time with the baby. Before DS was born, she stated that she would be having an evening a week doing dinner, bath and bedtime. I stamped on that one quickly - I was back at work fairly quickly and no way was I missing an evening.

We are pretty low contact now and DH takes DS to her once a month or so. Life is so much less stressful. You're doing well to be doing once a week, but I would absolutely draw the line at alone time until/unless you feel comfortable with it. Ome thing which could be an option is a regular "playdate" at your house - you could have a bit of time to yourself and MIL could look after baby at yours. Might be a first step in building trust. I've offered this to my MIL and been refused as it's not on her terms - fine by me!

‘It’s my baby I make the decisions’ rinse and repeat. If my husband was being rubbish I would tell him either he says it or you will and you won’t be kind about it. Do not set yourself up to feel uncomfortable, you will regret it if you do.

Hugs for a shitty situation. I’d have seen my arse in the first week then being like that and told them to get out of my house. But then I’m cranky and have no patience

I would start by limiting the time she visits if she has to come to you. So start getting ready to go out, put your coat on and your daughter's and actually leave if you have to.

Practise saying things aloud so you are more assertive with her. The only thing you need to say to your Dh is back me up. This is your child we are talking about, not a toy or a tool that can be passed around.

Having a baby can take a sense of your identity and self worth. Do not let her undermine you. She has had her babies, now you have yours. You are the parent and get to decide. There is no law saying a baby has to be left with anyone for any reason.

The only way to respond to her "I'll wait on the doorstep" text is to say, that is great, thanks for that. Beat her at her own game.

This has nothing to do with MILs this has to do with her behaviour before the baby was born and afterwards. My friend's mother is over-bearing and she limits contact with her.

We have instincts for a reason. If her having your child doesn't sit well with you, then don't let her have her on her own. She might feel put out, jealous, etc, but who really cares? If anything happened you'd never forgive yourself, nevermind her. It's not worth the risk.

Start establishing boundaries now. Tell her what one day a week suits for her to visit. Or you go to her as it means you can control when you leave, etc. Start not opening the door to her when she calls round randomly and pretend you were out, or answer the door with your coat on and pretend as if you're just about to go out. After a few of these she'll soon stop showing up unannounced.

The less she knows about your mum having your baby the better. Keep it vague. Take back baby as soon as you feel iffy and don't always hand her to her. Remember that you're the boss. You lead, she must follow. Not any other way.

I hate playing games etc but I'd probably try these less offensive methods first to see if she wises up before going fully ballistic, to be honest. Keep it as low contact as possible and see how you get on.

But do not do anything you aren't okay with.

DH sounds like he is going to claim the “meat in the sandwich” excuse if you don’t draw your line in the sand first. You may even have to blow up at MIL first. When it comes to babies and kids, who cares if you come across as “the bad guy”, you start as you intend to continue... they’re your kids. It is in your best interests to have a culture of no secrets between you and your little ones. This is the first way to protect them from child abusers. (Advice from a police officer) If you can’t get DH onside, you have to do it yourself. Obviously Mil is batshit and intends to be devious because she feels entitled to “her” baby. Baby is not hers. Baby is yours. You make and enforce the rules you’re comfortable with. Including who comes into your home and when.

Why do they want to have the baby without you there? And twice a week is more than reasonable! Considering her comments about DD thinking she is the mum, I'd be reluctant to leave baby alone because I would worry MIL would try to make mum-type decisions, rather than GP ones eg. take it upon herself to get DD her first shoes or first haircut of pierce her ears or something!

I think sometimes it can be harder for the paternal GPs as mums tend to be the ones on mat leave and tend to rely on their own parents, so there may well be an imbalance in how often the two sets of GPs see the baby.... but they are trying to leapfrog you to build up their relationship with baby, rather than building up a relationship with you in the picture.

I'd say they are welcome on X days at X time, but be firm in the fact you want to get DD into a good routine re naps/feeds etc so as much as you appreciate their support, you suggest a 2hr limit on their visits. Or perhaps invite them to a baby class or something that isn't in your home (& usually doesn't last more than 30 minutes!)

I think everything you describe sounds unbearable,she sounds unhinged tbh.Trust your instincts on this.I never let my mil look after ds when he was a small baby just because that's how I felt never mind with the things shes doing and said to you.

I think you are right not to trust her, since she has no respect for you and has not put any effort into cultivating a caring relationship with you. She has only made efforts to one-up you and assert power over you and show you who's boss. That hardly shows any concern for your child's well-being.

does your husband think he was neglected and not raised safely? Did he or his siblings come to harm as children? If not, she has passed her test for raising children and yabu to say she would not be safe with yours. I can imagine her being very upset that baby spends 2 while days alone with other grandma but not allowed 5 minutes alone with her. Maybe put yourself in her shoes.