Mother in Law Issues!! AIBU??

[MIlissues2020]

Long time lurker, first time poster but I just need to rant!

My husband and I have been married for a few years and together for under a decade. We have, on the whole, a very happy marriage. We had a baby last year and she completes our family. All sounds great doesn’t it?.....

Now the problem is my mother in law (and my husband!) Throughout our time together, my mother in law has shown little interest in me (one year I received a dead plant a week late for my birthday!) She never came round to our old house - maybe 5 times in 5 years, although my husband did go to his parents house sometimes too. His parents have made derogatory remarks about my background and much much more - I could honestly be here all day! My husband has relied heavily on my mum for everything over the years which she has been fine with and she has also looked after our dog while we both worked. His own parents have never offered to help us out in any way (apart from some money when my husband’s grandparents died - which we were obviously very grateful for!) His mother is so hard to describe but she’s basically an oddball! She has said things like my baby thinks shes (MIL) her mum and other bonkers stuff. They have helped to look after their other grandchildren (his sisters) for many years but I have disagreed with what has been allowed (underage drinking - VERY underage! lack of any discipline, lying to my husbands sister about things that have happened to the kids) . They looked after our dog for the first time ever for one of the nights when I was in hospital and he came back the next day with a pus filled hole in his side and no explanation to how it has happened - just as an example!

When I had my own child, I, of course, allowed his parents to come over (they live v local) but they came 5/6/7 times a week, every week for the first few weeks. Obviously this was a major shock to the system! My husbands mum asks me to make her cups of tea or to feed the other grandchildren (I had nearly died in childbirth so wasn’t feeling great!) and she hasn’t offered any help, just ‘you get on with your jobs, I’ll hold the baby’. She even snatched the baby out of my arms. She always asks how things affect my husband but never me! This upset me but thought the intensity would stop in time.

From then on my husband has been constantly asked what days and what times they will be having the baby ALONE! My husband said to them, after I asked him, to tell them they can’t come 5 times a week and to give me some time. They continue to pester all the time but I do not need them to have my baby when I am not there as I enjoy being with my baby and we are always together. If I have anything planned, the baby goes to my mums as I trust her so much more. His mum has now started sending passive aggressive texts like ’i will come to yours, but don’t worry, I will wait on the doorstep and not come in’. My husband thinks she’s being genuine and doesn’t want to disturb us but I disagree! They do see the baby at least once a week but I like myself or my husband to be there as I don’t trust them alone at the moment but this has caused arguments between myself and my husband. He can’t understand why I don’t trust them but my reasons aren’t getting through to him! AIBU?

There’s so much more that has gone on but don’t want to bore everyone and obviously I’ve been a bit vague to hide my identity!

@blackcat86 thank you so much for your message. That sounds the same situation. That’s my fear - they don’t listen to a word I say so the trust is lost. MIL bought a second hand car seat when I was pregnant (no need as I have a perfectly fine new one and she wouldn’t be driving off anywhere with the baby anyway) for use with the baby and I said I really don’t feel comfortable with that as you’ve got to be so careful. She said she would get rid of it. Baby was born and it’s still around. Mentioned again when she said about the car seat for the 3rd/4th/5th time - so now I just think you’d put her in that car seat if I wasn’t there. She would never respect my wishes. And yes MIL just wants to parade the baby around too. You have not failed your baby at all so don’t feel bad - you sound a great mum x

I had thought similar about the pus. I was wondering if there had been an abscess under the skin that had burst which is why no one knew how it had appeared. Animals are funny on that they will try to minimise anything health wise so as not to appear vulnerable.

It was a hole with blood coming out of it and pus. It was so noticeable that I noticed it straight away. So surely they would have seen it even if it hadn’t been caused by neglect? They only ‘saw it’ after we mentioned it. Even if it was an abscess, the dog had been left alone to eat paper and numerous other things according to the grandchild who is 10 (and not a liar) as his grandma was upstairs not looking after the dog (and he can be a little bugger with eating stuff!!) My husband also told his mum to keep hold of the lead near roads and not to let the grandchildren hold the lead as he can be giddy esp with new people (he’s young and a very boisterous breed) and then the 6 year old told us that she was holding the dog next to a main road to which the MIL sheepishly admitted to. We said this not for ‘rules’ but because we wanted to keep our dog and of course the other grandchildren safe!

OP, if your dog came back after one night with a pus-filled hole, the pus must have built up while the dog was under your care. It sounds like you are very critical of the MIL and not at all open to criticism of yourself.

Sadly, yes, I have considerable experience of pus ;(

@makingmammaries I allow criticism of myself but as I have said that’s not the only issue. I don’t know what your opinions are on underage drinking, using second hand car seats with babies and not telling parents when thing have happened to their child but reading your post, we obviously differ!

Honestly OP you are NOT being unreasonable. This is your baby. Do not leave her with someone you don't trust just to avoid upsetting them! What is more important, your baby's safety or your mils happiness?! Grandparents do NOT have a right to see the baby if they can't behave themselves like normal people!

@blackcat86 has it spot on "Posters who have said your DH needs to start to value your reactions and thoughts over his mothers are spot on. Everyone has been conditioned to do what she wants which isn't healthy and you can spot this better as an outsider."

Your husband needs to step back and look at the situation from the outside. If these people were not his own parents would he think it was safe to leave the baby with them? No? Then it's not ok just because they are his parents. If you are leaving your baby with someone they need to understand basic rules of how to look after children, be safe, and be honest with the parents.

I'm wondering if my BIL (DH's brother) has got married in secret. (Joke.) This is almost exactly how my MIL behaves. it's a nightmare & is, IME, unlikely to get any better unless you change the situation. It has taken me nearly a decade to get DH to start to accept that his parents are toxic & overbearing.

With my DH, a big part of the problem in accepting that their behaviour was/is not normal is in dealing with the pain this this inevitably brings up. For DH, he's had to realise that they are inherently selfish people & that, far from the (poor but) happy childhood he remembers, they were actually fairly emotionally abusive. He suffers massively with MH issues which I do attribute to, in particular, his mother's treatment of him.

Honestly trust your instincts.

My baby is 12 weeks old. I had a traumatic birth, self discharged from hospital as I needed sleep and my husband.... PIL at us to visit the day we got home as it was convenient for them (Sunday) I asked for them to wait as I needed to recover, (they live 3hrs away) I was told I was selfish- we both nearly died I needed time! It's been a rollercoaster from there.

As others have said baby is viewed as a toy, snatching from me, digs about breastfeeding and co-sleeping, not seeing him enough... the list goes on. And behaviours thar make me feel uncomfortable (future potential safeguarding issues). I even had the midwife write in the book no visitors to get us space!

Their motives are from love, and I keep reminding myself of this. However I do not plan to leave my child with anyone for now, they want a week of them together with out DH and me- I do not understand why people go on about this? A baby needs their mother. My own mother nurtures me, gave up working a day a week to come clean my house, feed me and support me... my In laws see this as her getting time they don't have- I get left with mess with the I hold baby you do everything attitude. Their parenting views are outdated and I do state the guidelines are x and y now. And I'm not letting my baby just cry it out! He's such a calm relaxed baby crying means something.

I now approach the comments of we want him with that's nice, we will see.... and never commit. Thankfully DH has seen what it's doing to my MH and is better at standing up to them now. I'm sure when he's much older a week with GP will be great, but when we are ready!

Speak to your DH and put in boundaries, I had to be firm to the point if you don't I will snap as I was at that point..... and if they cross a line baby and I go out. It's working better... he's on my page finally.

She sounds horrible and really disrespectful of you so absolutely don't blame you for not wanting her to have YOUR baby alone or even visit for that matter. I can't stand people like her who they have a right to treat you like you're nothing and then expect to have your child alone. What planet is she living on. I know how you feel but thankfully it's not my mother in law it's actually my partners AUNTIE believe it or not.

Yep we also had the 2nd hand car seat issue (no you want be putting my poorly 5lb newborn in a £15 battered car seat you found on Facebook...). Sometimes I feel like I'm being mean because I get hold that it's just done out of love for DD but in reality I've observed that she doesn't even listen to DD or want to interact with her. She wants to sit with her or rock her like a newborn, put her in the cot or the buggy but at 17 months DD has plenty of words and baby signs to indicate choices which MIL just ignores. I personally think its amazing that she signs and has so many words but if try to include MIL by sending her a pic or a video, all I get back is "tell DD I miss her" not oh well done or anything like that. I would also caution that whatever contact you give will never be enough. 2 full days alone a week still wasnt considered enough for MIL because it's not overnight (although MIL believes all infants should sleep until 8am...).

I think people are getting sidelined with the dog and pus situation and other things with older grandchildren. Yes pus can’t form like that in one day, no she’s unlikely to give your child alcohol.. etc but it’s because you have no trust in her and fundamentally she has no respect for you!

The point is that if someone has never given you time, built a loving relationship with you and never made you feel comfortable then why would you leave your child with them when so young?

With my DS I take him to their house when my DH suggests going, never on my own but I’m not going to refuse them to see him. I let DH decide how he deals with his parents, he chooses what approach to take and any fall out is his problem. I will not have them do x, y and z with DS but he’s in charge of deciding how that gets explained to them.

don’t know what your opinions are on underage drinking, using second hand car seats with babies and not telling parents when thing have happened to their child but reading your post, we obviously differ!

Bit of a disconnect between first and second part of sentence.

I suppose you took your dog to the vet for the massive pus-filled hole?
Your narrative discredits your claims somewhat, OP, that’s the problem.

@makingmammaries you’re not my MIL are you

Glad not to be.

@makingmammaries on a serious note, the pus filled hole (don’t remember saying it was massive??) was recognised by everyone. No one has disputed this?? You’re very obsessed with this part of the story - I said this as an example. What about the time she left her elderly father a cheese sandwich (he couldn’t walk) when she went away for a whole week on holiday? Or the time I went on a day out with them and the 6 year old was allowed to run in front of a car? Or when the primary aged children could help themselves to alcopops and were offered a rum and coke!

On the sole charge of DC issue, btw, I agree with you, OP. Underage drinking, can you elaborate? A sip of champagne or a bottle of vodka? On the car seat, it’s totally your call. But then leave the dead plant and the dog out of it, and put your dog in kennels for the day next time.

No, the alcohol thing is bad. The elderly father starved I supposed during the week? You don’t like your MIL and there are probably good reasons for that. But heck, set your expectations accordingly and look after your own dog.

@makingmammories omg I’ve explained the dog thing! Sigh! I had nearly died twice in childbirth ... lost 5 pints of blood, they were expecting me to have a heart attack. I had not yet seen my baby even though she was born 13hrs before. We both had sepsis and nearly died. We were both in the hospital for a week and I discharged myself. I have never once left my dog in the kennels. He is a member of our family but it was literally a life and death situation! No thankfully the grandad didn’t starve as we visited him and I went and did a full food shop for him

Wonder if the hospital would have allowed me to have the dog in the next bed so I could look after him myself....

The ‘dog thing’: not really, so no need to be PA. Maybe you need to shell out for kennels then since your MIL is obviously unsatisfactory.

Plenty of us have had terrible experiences in childbirth. I spent 9 days on a triple antibiotic drip with, you guesses it, a pus filled abcess.

Just say no to your MIL’s demands, be it cups of tea, sole care of your baby, or anything else manifestly unreasonable. But you won’t be able to ask her for anything in that case - it’s pretty obvious.

People really need to read the whole thread. Ffs, I get so frustrated when an OP has to repeat something multiple times. RTFT!!!

And OP, I would never let a person like that take care of my children. Actually, the alcohol issue alone would severely restrict her contact with my DC.

@makingmammaries so because plenty of people have had awful births I should have put my dog in a kennel while almost bleeding to death... ok... wonder if I should have made that call while in theatre

I don’t have to rely on her, haven’t relied on her in 10 years so don’t see what would change?

I’d like to thank everyone who gave me advice on this issue and shared their stories. The people who just seem to like arguing, well, you haven’t been much help but that’s mumsnet for you