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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want partner to tell new job I'm pregnant?

90 replies

SparkleUK · 17/01/2020 16:11

So, I'm due 19th February and partner starts new job 24th with an event that he must attend on the 26th (they want confirmation of his attendance and which guests he'll be bringing).

The whole application was submitted a year ago, due to the job, it's taken this time to get to this point and the job will have training with a week's leave granted at the end, he starts formally in June. This is their last version of their training programme before they change it to degree based so he's concerned about being placed onto that one instead but I digress.
They do not allow any leave during training it says and obviously I know he won't get paternity etc due to being a new employee.

I've mentioned it many times that he needs to tell them I'm pregnant as we cannot guarantee when baby will come and he can't just up one day in training and say 'have to leave, sorry' if I go into labour! As I say, he's so worried about being put back training programme wise and he wanted to wait for his final confirmation which he's now received.
AIBU to just want him to get on with it and tell them and how can he broach this subject in the best way with them?

OP posts:

CassidyStone · 17/01/2020 16:19

I don't think it'll be a major problem, all he needs to do is tell them the baby's due date. I think you are worrying unnecessarily. Hopefully the baby will arrive early and there won't be a problem, but if you do go into labour while he's on the training course, then he will have to leave. If that happens, maybe they will give him some means of studying at home.

Leaannb · 17/01/2020 16:23

Or they could fire him which is what I would do. He has done nothing but lie to his future employers and when employers say you can’t leave during training then you can’t leave during training. At this point he needs to make sure his but iOS at training before he is put back on the degree based program since it doesn’t seem that he has a degree

hazell42 · 17/01/2020 16:25

Not your job, so not your problem to solve, I guess.
As long as he is there for you when you give birth, let him sort out the rest himself

Cryingoverspilttea · 17/01/2020 16:26

If you can't leave during training then you can't leave. Spouse in labour or not. Ultimately if his career is that important to your future, then can you not find someone else to be with you during labour and hopefully he will be there in time for the birth?

Graciebutterfly · 17/01/2020 16:27

Op it sounds as if he's planing on calling in sick for two days or so and then going back to training because he can't actually take any time off.

xmaself24 · 17/01/2020 16:28

Surely he won't be able to leave whatever the reason? Do you have a back up birthing partner?

Original poster

SparkleUK · 17/01/2020 16:29

Thanks all for replies.
He's already got a degree and I wasn't pregnant when he started the initial phases, application, subsequent recruitment related tasks etc but just thought it's definitely leaving it a bit late

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/01/2020 16:29

How long is the training? Is it quite close to your home?

SandyY2K · 17/01/2020 16:30

He should tell them he will need time off because you're pregnant. They may be able to make an exception for him.

BouncingOnATightrope · 17/01/2020 16:31

I don't know about the training program but it seems to me that you need to have a contingency plan for if you go overdue and he can't get back to you in time.

And he needs to think very seriously about choosing between the job and being there for the birth. As I suspect what Leaannb says Or they could fire him which is what I would do. could be a real possibility.

Urkiddingright · 17/01/2020 16:33

He needs to tell them when your baby is due and explain that the baby may well be born during the training process and that he will obviously need to attend the birth. They should be understanding but if not then so be it, there are other jobs in the world but he’d never get the chance to see his child born again.

noodlenosefraggle · 17/01/2020 16:38

If he hasn't at least even asked, its possible he either is going to ring in sick or not be there for the birth. All they can say is 'no' if he pointed out the situation but they may well take into account the extenuating circumstances. They probably thought that as he hadn't said anything theres no reason for him not to be there for the training.

Oakmaiden · 17/01/2020 16:41

there are other jobs in the world but he’d never get the chance to see his child born again.

You see, I was thinking the exact opposite. Him being there at the birth is very nice and supportive for that particular day - but him attending the training course and getting a job allows him to potentially be supportive for way into the future.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/01/2020 16:42

If this were me and the job was good opportunity for my DH I think I would try to get an alternative birth partner in case he couldn't get there. Is there someone like your mum or your sister who could be around instead? The chances of the baby being born during the training are not that high and presumably your DH can get home each evening if you have given birth.

tealandteal · 17/01/2020 16:44

Why would it be so bad if he was on the degree level course? You say he has a degree already but it must be in a different subject. Surely he would benefit from a higher level qualification. Is this a health care profession?

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 17/01/2020 16:45

Wow! Fired because you attend the birth of your child??!
Gosh no wonder men aren’t stepping up to take an equal part in child raising. Any job that won’t enable you to be at the birth of your child isn’t worth having.

Cheeseandwin5 · 17/01/2020 16:46

there are other jobs in the world but he’d never get the chance to see his child born again.

My youngest was born in Spain and my DH wasnt allowed in to the delivery room, my others were born in UK territories and he was allowed
To be fair my DH has always wanted to be part of the experience.
Saying that if he

LordOfTheWhys · 17/01/2020 16:50

I think you're assuming that he'll put the birth before his career and that he'd rather risk being told 'no' than pretending to be sick. You need to have an honest conversation about his priorities and how he wants to manage this rather than 'telling' him what he has to do.

katy1213 · 17/01/2020 16:53

Does he actually want to be at the birth? Maybe he'd prefer to turn up at visiting time with a big bunch of flowers - and this is a convenient way of sidestepping social pressure.

Namegirl12333333333 · 17/01/2020 16:57

Is he joining the police OP?

Scarsthelot · 17/01/2020 16:58

Wow! Fired because you attend the birth of your child??!

No, because he took a place on a training course and didnt tell them that he might need time off.....during a time that time off isnt allowed.

RaeCJ82 · 17/01/2020 16:59

What he should have done is contacted them much earlier than this to give them the heads up, but seeing as that hasn't happened, I agree that he needs to let them know ASAP!

Namegirl12333333333 · 17/01/2020 16:59

If so does need to tell them if so, and they will be flexible as they can ( within the limits of what is happening with the training etc)
My friends wife had a baby about 2 weeks into his training ( a few years ago) and they were fine with it, there was no paternity leave but he had. Day off for the birth and a few days off the other side. He couldn’t take more as he would miss to much .

But yes he deffo needs to tell them!

Retroflex · 17/01/2020 17:00

They do not allow any leave during training

I think you should look for someone else to be your birthing partner/support during delivery.

A lot of places cannot for logistical reasons allow "time off" for whatever reason during training, and if your partner was to "call in sick" as has been suggested, then he simply wouldn't complete the training course, or "graduate" like his classmates.

I know that in Scotland although going back a few years now future police officers had to attend a residential course which was pretty full on day and night with coursework, fitness, studying etc... Anyone who couldn't commit to the training, simply didn't progress any further with their planned future career...

helpfulperson · 17/01/2020 17:00

Presumably from the sounds of it it's police or fire or armed forces or similar. In which case no he won't just be able to leave. Where is the training - is it residential?

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