Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To want partner to tell new job I'm pregnant?

90 replies

SparkleUK · 17/01/2020 16:11

So, I'm due 19th February and partner starts new job 24th with an event that he must attend on the 26th (they want confirmation of his attendance and which guests he'll be bringing).

The whole application was submitted a year ago, due to the job, it's taken this time to get to this point and the job will have training with a week's leave granted at the end, he starts formally in June. This is their last version of their training programme before they change it to degree based so he's concerned about being placed onto that one instead but I digress.
They do not allow any leave during training it says and obviously I know he won't get paternity etc due to being a new employee.

I've mentioned it many times that he needs to tell them I'm pregnant as we cannot guarantee when baby will come and he can't just up one day in training and say 'have to leave, sorry' if I go into labour! As I say, he's so worried about being put back training programme wise and he wanted to wait for his final confirmation which he's now received.
AIBU to just want him to get on with it and tell them and how can he broach this subject in the best way with them?

OP posts:

GrolliffetheDragon · 17/01/2020 22:39

^Then you give birth alone, surely?

I mean, yes it's nice to have support but that's not always possible - for all sorts of reasons.^

Given the way I was treated by midwives with my husband there, that's yet another reason not to have another child.

adaline · 17/01/2020 23:06

Would he really want to work for an employer quite so draconian?

You realise most people don't have the luxury of choice?

Hillaire · 17/01/2020 23:32

Would he really want to work for an employer quite so draconian?

This is essential training done en masse, once a year - with this being the last year.

Without the training, the OP’s dh will not be qualified to do the job.

A public sector employer cannot afford to run catch-up training sessions. OP’s dh simply cannot up and leave, missing large sections, and still expect to keep the job.

Hillaire · 17/01/2020 23:33

Would he really want to work for an employer quite so draconian?

Would he really want to become a father with no income to support his new baby, let alone a steady, reliable public sector income?

Dearover · 17/01/2020 23:44

My niece has recently joined the police. She was 5 minutes late on her second day because of weather related issues on public transport. She thought they would be sympathetic, but she was simply told to leave an hour earlier the next day. It's all about priorities.

It would be nice Iif your DH can be with you at the birth, but it's not the end of the world if he isn't. He doesn't need to take a guest with him on 26th either. I suggest he calls HR, explains the circumstances and asks what their policy is. They will have been in this situation before. They are the only ones who can tell him if there is any flexibility.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 17/01/2020 23:51

Would he really want to work for an employer quite so draconian?

My best friend’s partner is a police officer. A massive murder court case starts 2 weeks before their baby is due and he has no idea whether he will be able to take any paternity leave for the 4 months the case has been tabled for or not. They’re going for a private c-section on a Saturday (£20k cost) to ensure he can at least be at the birth.

isabellerossignol · 18/01/2020 02:43

I don’t think anyone is suggesting OP does it alone. I think people including myself are asking if her partner is the THE one and only one to be the birth partner and if that is literally the ONLY possible positive outcome. A female relative, close friend, of affordable then a doula offering a payment plan

In my case none of those would have been possible, as my mum wouldn't have been able to (too elderly, and also so traumatised by her own birth experiences that she has to turn over if she so much as sees an actor on TV pretend to have a baby) and I just don't have that sort of relationship with anyone else in my life. I've got close friends but they've never even seen me in my underwear, there's no way I could contemplate the idea of asking them to accompany me when I gave birth. And the idea of doula sounds more frightening to me than being alone. I don't think I'm all that unusual in that, to be honest. Anyone I know whose husband has been unable/unwilling to attend has done it alone, so obviously they haven't felt they could ask a friend or relative either.

As I said though, I'm actually agreeing with the majority of posters that if this job is important then he can't just leave the training.

Creepster · 18/01/2020 03:34

The good news is that first babies are notoriously late.
The bad news is you need to make arrangements with alternative support because businesses like that rarely negotiate with newbies.

BecauseReasons · 18/01/2020 05:18

My first came at 39 weeks, OP. I was on the birthing ball rotating my hips and rocking back and forth from 38 weeks, which did seem to help intensify the very early contractions you tend to get around then. Here's hoping yours comes a tad early too.

Sforsh49 · 18/01/2020 05:35

OP @SparkleUK I can guess from your post what the job is. I do it, I'm a tutor for newbies like him once they're out the training block, and it's the best job in the world.

My best mate is a trainer for newbies. Just tell them when he starts that you're due any day, and you need him at the birth. We're honestly not scarey ogres and they will let him be at the birth. Without giving too much away he Unfortunately HAS to be at the event the few days later as without doing that he can't do the job. Get him to take his parents, while it's essential for him it's boring AF for others and parents love that kind of thing 😉

Be proud of him, it's a hard role, and hard to get into so he's done amazingly, but it's a fabulously rewarding and fulfilling one and he will LOVE it. There's no other job like it!

Sforsh49 · 18/01/2020 05:38

Oh and you can PM with any questions, concerns, worries that you or he might have. Someone on my course got paternity BTW.......

stellabelle · 18/01/2020 08:51

It's entirely possible to give birth without a husband, doula, or birth partner there. I had my first with nobody there except a nice midwife - DH was deployed overseas . It was fine - don't stress that your DH " must" be there. Of course it would be nice, but it's not compulsory.

Scrumptiousbears · 18/01/2020 09:19

@DCOkeford

It's not about being treated like a child, it's about following process and letting your employer know you could immediately have to leave due to the birth of your child and then expect a week off paternity leave. I cannot see any employer being happy for an employee to have never told them their DP is pregnant and just fuck off one day. Even a pregnant lady has to give a Mat B1 form to their employer and it would be bloody obvious shes pregnant.

I suggest you don't live in the real world.

Marmalady75 · 18/01/2020 12:44

I’m guessing that no leave during training means don’t go booking any holidays during that time not tell you wife to only go into labour at the weekend.

NeedAnExpert · 18/01/2020 12:48

I’m guessing that no leave during training means don’t go booking any holidays during that time not tell you wife to only go into labour at the weekend.

You would guess wrong.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread