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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want partner to tell new job I'm pregnant?

90 replies

SparkleUK · 17/01/2020 16:11

So, I'm due 19th February and partner starts new job 24th with an event that he must attend on the 26th (they want confirmation of his attendance and which guests he'll be bringing).

The whole application was submitted a year ago, due to the job, it's taken this time to get to this point and the job will have training with a week's leave granted at the end, he starts formally in June. This is their last version of their training programme before they change it to degree based so he's concerned about being placed onto that one instead but I digress.
They do not allow any leave during training it says and obviously I know he won't get paternity etc due to being a new employee.

I've mentioned it many times that he needs to tell them I'm pregnant as we cannot guarantee when baby will come and he can't just up one day in training and say 'have to leave, sorry' if I go into labour! As I say, he's so worried about being put back training programme wise and he wanted to wait for his final confirmation which he's now received.
AIBU to just want him to get on with it and tell them and how can he broach this subject in the best way with them?

OP posts:

adaline · 17/01/2020 17:01

Wow! Fired because you attend the birth of your child??!

No, fired for not being honest with him employer and subsequently not turning up to compulsory training.

If he's been there less than two years they don't really need a reason to get rid of him, anyway.

lanthanum · 17/01/2020 17:01

Option 1: Doesn't tell them, doesn't leave training even for birth.

Option 2: Doesn't tell them in advance, then calls in sick (potential for instant dismissal if they discover the lie) or asks at last minute to leave for the birth.

Option 3: Talks to them in advance, they either say "if you miss anything you're out" (in which case he's no worse off than option 1", or they say "of course you must be at the birth, we'll catch you up if necessary".

He only loses by talking to them in advance if he's intending pulling a sickie, because it increases the chance that they find out (and sack him).

Directgov (www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/whats-an-emergency) suggests he may be entitled to time off to get you to hospital (unpaid), and that he cannot be discriminated against for this. I've seen one site that suggests that the father is definitely entitled to time off for the birth, but directgov is less clear.

Retroflex · 17/01/2020 17:02

@Namegirl12333333333 Cross Post, but we seem to be thinking along the same lines. Although in Scotland a few years ago, you wouldn't have been allowed any time off...

jayho · 17/01/2020 17:02

It's a bit rubbish but at least you know in advance. I'd be inclined to plan on the basis he won't be there, get a birth partner and arrange family/friend support for the first six weeks or so.

Is he home based during the training or away, is it physical training or class based? If he's home and class based he's going to have to suck up the nights and some weekends.

To be positive, my partner was as useful as the proverbial during childbirth. Plus, you have the prospect of a lovely break in late May when the baby will be fairly settled, fairly predictable and portable.

RaeCJ82 · 17/01/2020 17:02

I would imagine that most employees would make an exception to the "no leaving during training" rule for something as important as child birth!

Jupiters · 17/01/2020 17:03

Judging by what you've said this sounds the same as my job. One guy on my intake had a pregnant partner, she was due just after we finished training school. He was able to disappear one afternoon for an appointment.
He needs to tell his trainers. They will be able to give the best advice. The worst they would do is put him on the next intake and if where you are is anywhere like where I am there are intakes starting monthly.

RaeCJ82 · 17/01/2020 17:04

*employers not employees!

ArnoldBee · 17/01/2020 17:04

Well he won't be getting statutory paternity leave so he is he dealing with it all?

Leaannb · 17/01/2020 17:05

@scarsthelot Absolutely I would fire him for this. When a company says you can’t miss training than you can’t miss training. I would fire him if he had come up to me early enough than I would have placed him in the other training class. If he calls out during training with the excuse I’m sick he will be fired.

mynameiscalypso · 17/01/2020 17:05

What kind of training is it? I had a month of training when I started my job and was told we couldn't take leave etc however it was no big deal for me to skip a day to go to a funeral.

Thoughtlessinengland · 17/01/2020 17:07

I’m not sure I fully get why partners are erred to be mandatory birth partners or there during the entire thing. Expecting DC2 now - have a doula, but one could also have mum/friend etc - and my spouse will either be with DC1 or More likely DC1 with lovely colleagues on standby and spouse on site at hospital but most definitely not required holding my hand the entire time. Neither of us feel that is particularly necessary. He still is dad and will still have a load of dirty nappies to change in his foreseeable future and I - well - whilst anyone needs support I genuinely don’t see HIM and HIM ALONE as that support provider. So - have another person as proper birth partner and he has some leeway then? Or do you and him absolutely and entirely think he needs to literally be in the room the entire time?

adaline · 17/01/2020 17:09

I would imagine that most employees would make an exception to the "no leaving during training" rule for something as important as child birth!

Not necessarily, no. Lots of places have one lot of training and that's that. If you miss it, then you don't complete the course.

Jaxhog · 17/01/2020 17:09

If you can't leave during training then you can't leave. Spouse in labour or not. Ultimately if his career is that important to your future, then can you not find someone else to be with you during labour and hopefully he will be there in time for the birth?

Not ideal, I know, but I don't see how you have any choice. You should get firm backup plans in place, then he can tell his employer. He will need to reassure them that they will come first with this. Or I suspect he will get fired.

BobbyBlueCat · 17/01/2020 17:10

Is this Police, OP?

If so, no he won't be able to take any time off after the birth during initial training.
If he does, he won't pass out with the rest of his intake and need to piggyback on to the next intake to catch up. And if they defer the next intake for budget reasons etc (often happens), he could just lose his place completely.

Rubyupbeat · 17/01/2020 17:11

These things happen, hes agreed the training terms, that's that.

Namegirl12333333333 · 17/01/2020 17:13

@BobbyBlueCat I think maybe it depends on the force? as although 10 years ago my friends deffo got a few days off for it- but had to catch up with everything.
Another friend her grandma died so she had time off for the funeral and a few days the other side for dependants leave.

Either way if it is he needs to speak to Training school ASAP or to HR to tell them

GrolliffetheDragon · 17/01/2020 17:17

have a doula, but one could also have mum/friend etc

Not everyone has the money for a doula. Not everyone has a friend they'd want (or who would be willing to be) there. Not everyone has a supportive mother!

LetsPlayDarts · 17/01/2020 17:19

I'm guessing it's the police too.

I'd just tell them on the first day that you are due and that he understands that he may be unable to attend the birth. Depending on what it is they are covering he may just be able to attend and catch up at a later date (if I was a trainer and it was just a couple of hours work I'd give him the material to read and go through it after work/lunchtime).

I'd also be fully prepared that he could be refused this request too and you'll both just have to deal with it...although it would be pretty harsh of the force to do so.

lyingwanker · 17/01/2020 17:19

@GrolliffetheDragon then you give birth alone don't you? I had to for the same reasons.

adaline · 17/01/2020 17:21

Not everyone has the money for a doula. Not everyone has a friend they'd want (or who would be willing to be) there. Not everyone has a supportive mother!

Then you give birth alone, surely?

I mean, yes it's nice to have support but that's not always possible - for all sorts of reasons.

showgirl63 · 17/01/2020 17:26

Plenty of military wives give birth with husband posted overseas - not ideal but perfectly possible

gamerchick · 17/01/2020 17:27

He hasnt told them and has no intention of doing it. Personally in your shoes I'd do it alone if I had to. A permanent job is important, especially if there's babies in the mix. Disappointing I know.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/01/2020 17:28

Is the training 9 to 5 locally Monday to Friday, or 200 miles away with evening and weekend classes?

NC4THISandTHAT · 17/01/2020 17:33

@SparkleUK. I'd imagine they can't fire due to discriminatory reasons...so don't fret yet. It's not too late. E just needs to discuss with HR but in that discussion say he's happy to turn up to training if they won't allow time off.

Angelw · 17/01/2020 17:34

You might be worrying when it’s not necessary. The baby might come early as you’ve said you are due on the 19 th and training starts on the 24 th. I think they won’t be happy if he does not attend full training and risk him losing his place (I’m sure the position had several applicants). Are you in current need of the financial gain that’s comes along with the job or can he wait till June? ( provided they still have a position for him then).

Why don’t you come up with plan B ie support from your close network during the time or he speak to them to see what possibilities are there (if any) in case he can’t make it?
You will be surprised 😯 at what good communication can do for you 🤗

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