To not want DP (or anyone) at birth?

[IceColdCocaCola]

I don't want DP at the birth of our second child this year, he however does want to be there.

My reasoning for not wanting him there is that he "ruined" the birth of my first child. I use to the ruined somewhat lightly as the important bit is that my DC was delivered healthily and safely, but he definitely put a dampener on the specialness of it.

To elaborate the morning I went into labour he picked up his teenage son for the weekend, he knew my waters had broke as I told him on the phone but he collected him anyway, he didn't need to do this, his DS could of stayed at home with his mother. DP had no childcare arrangements for his DS. So eventually he returned home after dropping his DS off at a relatives for a bit, I was in full on labour by this point and alone. (My family live an hour away, we located to be closer to his). He was briefly home before he had to go see to his DS again. Eventually we got to the hospital my DP could not be any less supportive, it was clear his mind was elsewhere. Finally our DC was born, literally minutes later he was outside the hospital on phone to his DS (who was home alone by this point). He returned to the birthing room and automatically where I was now alone holding our newborn, and he started bitching about his EX, who had found out son was home alone and texting DP, as well as going on about his DS. Barely acknowledging his newborn child. Shortly after (20 minutes max) he rushed home to be with DS. It was evening by this point.
He promised to be at hospital first thing in the morning, appeared at the back of 10 for all of maybe 15 minutes, then disappearing again to spend the day with his teenage son. He returned in the evening to drop us home then went to work a few hours later.

As I said all my family and friends live an hour away so none of them came to visit at the hospital because all day I was waiting to be discharged at any point, so it wasn't worth them beginning the drive over and running the risk of me having been discharged before visiting time.

So in conclusion, the birth of my first DC was dampened with being left so lonely and what should have been such a special time for us as a couple, purely due to my DP's selfishness in a situation that could have been prevented. For that reason I don't want him at the birth of our second DC, I don't want to give anyone the power to put a negative on the birth of my child, I'd rather just go it alone. AIBU?

Why on Earth are you having another child with this person?

I agree with the above, who is with you in labour is the least of your problems.

Sorry I have to agree with @CanIGoHomeNowPlease. Please tell me this was a blip in an otherwise good relationship

It is also the birth of his child that I feel he should have every right to be at if he wants to.

I know this must be annoying but I have to echo what everyone else said above. Is he otherwise a good dad/partner?

Blip is a good way to put it. But it has also totally put me off having a birthing partner again

It is reasonable to do whatever would make the delivery as relaxing and stress free as possible for you imo.

Echo the above though. Since the birth of baby #1, has DP been a good father/partner etc. From your description of the delivery, seems not very engaged at all.

It is also the birth of his child that I feel he should have every right to be at if he wants to

He doesn't have a right.

Can't you just have a conversation and work out whether he is willing to prioritise you this time? Does he understand how upset you are? Has he apologised?

There is maybe a bit of blame both ways, as you probably should have spoken about childcare for his eldest when you went into labour beforehand.

Ultimately you should have whoever you prefer with you, he is not entitled to be there.

What has he said about the first birth? Does he recognise where he went wrong and saying he will do something different this time? Is his child now old enough to be left alone?

It is also the birth of his child that I feel he should have every right to be at if he wants to

What rubbish, consent matters, you can’t just pick and choose when you want to apply it.

After him acting rather pratishly the first time around, he must have been a half decent bloke or you wouldn't have stuck around and certainly wouldn't have gotten pregnant with another child.
You forfeited the moral high ground when you cracked on and got pregnant again.

What is his opinion of what you want? Does he want to be there?
Has he matured since the first one? Does he realise what he did wrong that time?

I think if you deem someone suitable enough to be in a relationship with, have children with them and let him bring up those children then they win the right to share the moment their child comes in to the world.

His behaviour first time was wrong, do you have any indication he regrets that and will do better this time? If he has improved his attitude a lot then it would be possible that it might be a different story and In that case it would be a good support for you to have him there. If you think there is any chance he might behave badly again I would stick with the plan of birthing with just your midwives and doctors.

Does his son have a disability so he can't be left home alone? Seriously you chose a shit DP for your other parent as he is clearly unable to parent a teenager so they can be happily be left home alone with neighbours, relatives and/or friends to call on in an emergency for a day.

Oh and it's up to you who you have in your delivery room. So if you want your mum, sister, aunt or cousin Bob ask them instead.

If this were me the second I had recovered from the birth I'd have divorced the motherfucker ASAP and frankly I don't understand how you could've had sex ever again with him and that is not hyperbole

There is maybe a bit of blame both ways, as you probably should have spoken about childcare for his eldest when you went into labour beforehand.

Bloody good example of victim blaming here, @Stompythedinosaur.

Totally agree Hollowtalk I'd like to know what century that poster birthed in

Whether his DS was old enough to be left alone at the time is a matter of opinion, as I said he is a teenager (was a teenager then too). I had mentioned childcare at the time if I happened to go into labour when he had his son, but he never acted on it.. Seemed to be in denial that would ever happen
He does see where he went wrong and is apologetic for it but deep down I'd still rather just go it alone.

Bring your mother, you can’t go through labour on your own. And just because he’s the father doesn’t mean he has to be there. He’s only the father, he’s not as important to the child as you. What do you think men done in the 70s, when they weren’t allowed in the delivery room? Cried? Wailed? Stamped their feet? Held on to the ankles of the mother as she was wheeled into the delivery suite? But let’s be serious, is he going to chain himself to the London eye dressed as batman?

I don't think OP is a "victim". Her partner could have behaved better but he was hardly abusive.

OP could a compromise be that he can come but you also want a more reliable birth partner (friend, doula, family member) there so you're not alone at any time.

I think he sounds utterly selfish and I wouldn't let him be at the birth. He sounds the sort to have paternity leave and stay in bed playing computer games the whole time.

Well, has he made alternative arrangements this time in case you go into labour at a time when his DS is with you? Or are you punishing him for last time?

Who's going to look after your youngest? Surely he can do that and you can have someone you want with you

Eldest...

The fact that he came into the delivery room and ranted about his ex minutes after the birth of the baby would be enough for me to kick him to the curb.

Twat.

I had no one in my second labour as in my first my DH just moaned about how uncomfortable and tired he was (as I was going through a 24 hour excruciating induction) so I told him to stay at home for the second as I can't have the head space for someone moaning. It was wonderful the second time around, another excruciating long induction but I only had to worry about me, it was liberating!