To not want DP (or anyone) at birth?

[IceColdCocaCola]

I don't want DP at the birth of our second child this year, he however does want to be there.

My reasoning for not wanting him there is that he "ruined" the birth of my first child. I use to the ruined somewhat lightly as the important bit is that my DC was delivered healthily and safely, but he definitely put a dampener on the specialness of it.

To elaborate the morning I went into labour he picked up his teenage son for the weekend, he knew my waters had broke as I told him on the phone but he collected him anyway, he didn't need to do this, his DS could of stayed at home with his mother. DP had no childcare arrangements for his DS. So eventually he returned home after dropping his DS off at a relatives for a bit, I was in full on labour by this point and alone. (My family live an hour away, we located to be closer to his). He was briefly home before he had to go see to his DS again. Eventually we got to the hospital my DP could not be any less supportive, it was clear his mind was elsewhere. Finally our DC was born, literally minutes later he was outside the hospital on phone to his DS (who was home alone by this point). He returned to the birthing room and automatically where I was now alone holding our newborn, and he started bitching about his EX, who had found out son was home alone and texting DP, as well as going on about his DS. Barely acknowledging his newborn child. Shortly after (20 minutes max) he rushed home to be with DS. It was evening by this point.
He promised to be at hospital first thing in the morning, appeared at the back of 10 for all of maybe 15 minutes, then disappearing again to spend the day with his teenage son. He returned in the evening to drop us home then went to work a few hours later.

As I said all my family and friends live an hour away so none of them came to visit at the hospital because all day I was waiting to be discharged at any point, so it wasn't worth them beginning the drive over and running the risk of me having been discharged before visiting time.

So in conclusion, the birth of my first DC was dampened with being left so lonely and what should have been such a special time for us as a couple, purely due to my DP's selfishness in a situation that could have been prevented. For that reason I don't want him at the birth of our second DC, I don't want to give anyone the power to put a negative on the birth of my child, I'd rather just go it alone. AIBU?

I banned my DH from the birth of our second child as I didn't want or need a repeat of our first experience. First time around my sister wanted to come with me (cesarean birth) but I said no to her as DH was coming in. He was so nervous in the pre-op room that he was making me really anxious so I said - half in jest - "If you are going to keep stressing like this, might be better off if you go". I blinked and he was gone! Just like that and I was alone when I didn't want to be. Skipped even suggesting it with our second and asked my sister outright to start with. A much better result for all.

If he wasn't helpful I can see why it would cause stress to think he was going to be there this time, even if he really does understand where he went wrong and would be trying to be an ideal birth partner.

But a birth partner is there for the benefit of the mum, not anything else. So his "wanting" to be there is irrelevant and possibly shows that he has not understood, fundamentally, where he went wrong the first time.

So it’s fine to just leave his son? Surely he was being a parent and trying to sort the child care issue.

Your use of the words 'my child' is an interesting choice. It is also his child.

So it’s fine to just leave his son? Surely he was being a parent and trying to sort the child care issue.

A child care issue he created by picking up his son when said son could have stayed at his mothers.

With nine months advance warning you would think he could have sorted child care, wouldn't you?

You don't have to agree to the dad being there, even if you are together. You can plan your labour how you want and feel most comfortable- as that's going to have the best outcome for you and baby. If he's a hindrance to a calm birth, then you have to pay heed to that.

Is there anyone else you'd rather be there with you? I'd go for who gives you the most confidence and wants to help you labour/follow your birth plan /advocate for you when you can't talk. He can stay home with baby 1 if you prefer and that's an important role, then he can see/visit baby 2 and you with baby1 when you're ready for rest of your little family to meet! It's an important job.

I'm interested in how he's behaved since I'm lead up to #2's birth in this pregnancy, . He understands he wasn't great last time- but how engaged has he been this time in your pregnancy and birth plans. Has he been asking about and practising with you birthing positions and how he can support you physically in active birth? Or just planning to turn up and watch from the sidelines ? He'll have shown you by his behaviour to now what he intends!!

I do hate a dreadful goal hanger- so if it seems like he just wants to wait around, moan, pop in and out and not focus entirely on you, but let the ball bounce off him into goal, then don't invite him into labour room with you!!! He doesn't get to just watch, and claim the goal running around the pitch cheering with newly born baby afterwards - without any of the long labourious set up!!

You'd be better having baby with medics or supportive friend/family member you want there and having quiet time together during and afterwards until you are ready for more visitors than your birthing partner. Then see how you feel and invite him in when you feel ready. You're even allowed to ban him from the room - baby usually stays with you all things going well. Just explain it to midwives , it won't be the first time they've heard it.

He does sound rather self centred and emotionally immature to have behaved like that during your labour last time.

I'm not sure it was really selfishness, was it?

Self-centred might be a more accurate word. Especially when he came in and moaned about his ex. But in either case it wasn’t what he should have been.

I had a false labour start after a sweep and realised my DH was going to be awful, he totally panicked and started yelling about the hospital bag and freaking out. It was my second labour and first child my ex dh was useless despite being a Dr so I wasn't having that again. The contractions stopped and first thing the next day I called a few doulas, interviewed them and chose one that would fully support me while keeping my husband calm (or away if needed 😆). When I was in actual labour (induction so had to call husband and doula in the night when it started) he arrived first. He stamped on my foot while I was mid-contraction, moved the table I was leaning on mid-contraction and put on music full volume (the only thing he remembered about a birth 'plan') but this was while I was still in a labour ward with sleeping mums and babies. 🤦🏻‍♀️ He freaked out basically. Luckily the doula arrived ten minutes after him and he was immediately calm. She took over and was fabulous. He looked to her for reassurance and she gave me the proper support I needed. He was then able to enjoy the birth without panicking (and I didn't need to divorce him). He says it was the best experience of his life. After baby's first cuddle and feed he held him skin to skin while the doula helped me get sorted and it all worked brilliantly. Irl he copes extremely well in very stressful situations but he will never be a midwife!

OP it sounds like you could totally do this alone and good for you if you do. You can always call him in if you changed your mind! None of my aunts/mum etc gave birth with their partners, it just wasn't done years ago. Good luck OP, your body, your birth, your choices.

I didn't have anyone with me during my last labour and it was without doubt the best of my 3 births. DH hadn't done anything "bad" previously but he didn't contribute anything positive either. In fact I found him a bit irritating. I think he felt he had to be "doing something" so kept asking me if I wanted things or trying to make conversation when I really just wanted to be left alone to get on with it. He is also very squeamish and was nervous about everything so I ended up feeling like I was supporting him, not vice versa. We agreed that he would be with me if I was in labour whilst the elder 2 were at school/nursery but that he would look after them if it was in the evening/night/ weekend.
I went into labour in the middle of the night so we had to get the other 2 out of bed whist he dropped me off at the hospital and then he went home. I think we were both relieved to be honest. I didn't really want him there and he didn't want to be there but it is so much the norm nowadays that there was a lot of pressure on us to conform. The fact it was the middle of the night meant that none of our family or friends knew that I had committed the heinous crime of giving birth alone, safe in the knowledge that my other children were happy and secure at home in the care of their father, until it was all over.
The midwife phoned him to let him know that the baby had arrived safely and he came in the next morning with our older children on the way into school so DS was about 6 hours old when he first saw him. I had been hoping for a 6 hour discharge but I had a retained placenta. It was particularly tricky to get out so I was in theatre for a while and lost quite a bit of blood so they wanted to keep me a bit longer. If I recall rightly, DH came back to the hospital after he had taken the others to school and stayed til I was discharged mid afternoon.
The only downside of DH not being there is that he forgot to give me the camera when he left me at the hospital ( we didn't have camera phones in those days) so I don't have any photos of DS2 in the first few hours of his life. But that's it. I didn't suffer as a result of him not being there and nor did he, or DS2, annd our older children positively benefited. Knowing that they were safe and secure at home in their own beds helped me relax and enjoy giving birth.
If you feel you would be happier alone then go for it. People will probably tell you that you are weird, that you won't be able to cope and that everyone has to have a birth partner. Well that's not true..

If you live anywhere near the midlands I would happily be a birth partner, I'm good at back rubs! And would love to see a baby born.

Do what is best for you and you only, I know lots of women that have had all sorts of birth partners, sisters, mothers, best friends and even one who had her dad! Her mum had passed away, her dad stayed at the top end. He has an Amazing relationship with his grandson.

Slightly different for me as I had to have c-sections with all mine, the first and 2nd I had a GA for a crash section and the 3rd a gentle section, dh was only at the last one and he was pretty useless!

He has no "right" to be there at all. His behaviour the last time hardly earned him any brownie points either as he all but ignored you and your baby. I'd be happier giving birth with no "partner" than risking going through that experience again.

He sounds like a bit of an arse to be honest.

You only have to watch a few episodes of One Born Every Minute to see that some men make good birth partners and do their best to be supportive yet others just don't get it at all.

I have given birth in the presence of two men (different births) and they both panicked. Also the experience caused them visible stress, which was difficult for me at the time.

Why not sit down together and make expectations clear? Tell him you cannot have a repeat of last time when he failed to prioritise you and the baby and wittered on about his ex in the delivery room and came and went for his older child.
If he's going to be there at all he has to be there 100% and that means making proper arrangements around work and childcare, sticking to them and then shutting up about them to focus on the birth. If he can't commit to that he shouldn't come at all.

Finally he needs to be utterly reliable about being there to bring you home on the dot of when you're ready, and not keep you hanging about in limbo.

Tell him he was a 1/10 last time and you need a 10/10 birthing partner, so if he wants to be there he needs to step up. It might hurt but he needs to know be was literally worse than useless last time. You would have been much better off alone!

Perhaps he just didn't get what his job was? Spell it out and give him the chance to commit fully but the ready to sack him on the spot and send him home. Tell the hospital staff he's on probation and subject to instant dismissal!

Does he not cope well in pressured situations?

It’s insane to add a young teen to the mix when your wife has just gone into labour — obvs he should have left the lad with his mum and been on husband/birth partner duty. But. Some people are a bit rubbishy at realizing that their coping mechanism is to line up something else to do that is ‘absolutely unavoidable’ but which they are much more comfortable dealing with.

Your DSS basically provided your daunted DP with an excuse to pop an and out of your delivery so he only had to deal with snippets of pain/difficulty/fear/helplessness/etc.

I feel for him. I’m sure I would be just as useless if I was new expectant dad instead of a mother of 2. Take heart, he is clearly a devoted Dad. But he is not a helpful or reliable support for you in labour.

He is not entitled to be there and has proved himself disruptive. Much better get an unflappable friend/sister/mum/auntie to come along and tell him he can look after your older kids and visit after.

I send everyone out of the room when I'm birthing. Can't be doing with chatter, being touched or being watched. How do people get into 'the zone' with others there? As for father's having any kind of right to be there, no way. Nobody has a 'right' to be around a birthing woman.

How does he behave generally? Is this really an isolated incident or is he always a knob? I don't know why you're having another baby with him

Sounds like you’re still pissed off with him from your first birth (and you have every right to be be) and you want to punish him.

I’d try and have some counselling to deal with the issues before the baby arrives. I can see why you’re cross but I don’t think it will do your relationship much good to not let him be there for the birth.

Do you really want to be alone or do you want to punish DP for his failings last time ?

Could it be that DP was feeling guilty/ nervous/ worried about how his son would perceive him being a father again and this played out with him faffing around looking after his DS and you feeling that he was him focussing too much on DS and not enough on you ?

If you want to be alone, explain that it's because you need certainty in how things will be in order to feel relaxed and in control of the birth rather than presenting it as a punishment for last time.

Seeing my own dh's ineptitude and reading about others on here it's obvious why women were chosen by whichever deity/evolution to do this whole thing.

Your use of the words 'my child' is an interesting choice. It is also his child.

I just took this to distinguish between the child OP was having with her DP as opposed to the child DP had with his ex.

OP, you're the one giving birth. Start from the positon of thinking about what you want, how you want that experience to be. Then try to make that happen.

If your vision of a perfect birth includes having DP there, great. If it doesn't, or you think there's any possibility he'd sabotage your plans and comfort again, then he's not there.

What you definitely don't need is the mental burden of feeling responsible for managing his behaviour, while you're in labour.

Either he is wholeheartedly devoted to supporting you - and emotionally and practically capable of delivering on that intention - or he isn't.