To not want DP (or anyone) at birth?

[IceColdCocaCola]

I don't want DP at the birth of our second child this year, he however does want to be there.

My reasoning for not wanting him there is that he "ruined" the birth of my first child. I use to the ruined somewhat lightly as the important bit is that my DC was delivered healthily and safely, but he definitely put a dampener on the specialness of it.

To elaborate the morning I went into labour he picked up his teenage son for the weekend, he knew my waters had broke as I told him on the phone but he collected him anyway, he didn't need to do this, his DS could of stayed at home with his mother. DP had no childcare arrangements for his DS. So eventually he returned home after dropping his DS off at a relatives for a bit, I was in full on labour by this point and alone. (My family live an hour away, we located to be closer to his). He was briefly home before he had to go see to his DS again. Eventually we got to the hospital my DP could not be any less supportive, it was clear his mind was elsewhere. Finally our DC was born, literally minutes later he was outside the hospital on phone to his DS (who was home alone by this point). He returned to the birthing room and automatically where I was now alone holding our newborn, and he started bitching about his EX, who had found out son was home alone and texting DP, as well as going on about his DS. Barely acknowledging his newborn child. Shortly after (20 minutes max) he rushed home to be with DS. It was evening by this point.
He promised to be at hospital first thing in the morning, appeared at the back of 10 for all of maybe 15 minutes, then disappearing again to spend the day with his teenage son. He returned in the evening to drop us home then went to work a few hours later.

As I said all my family and friends live an hour away so none of them came to visit at the hospital because all day I was waiting to be discharged at any point, so it wasn't worth them beginning the drive over and running the risk of me having been discharged before visiting time.

So in conclusion, the birth of my first DC was dampened with being left so lonely and what should have been such a special time for us as a couple, purely due to my DP's selfishness in a situation that could have been prevented. For that reason I don't want him at the birth of our second DC, I don't want to give anyone the power to put a negative on the birth of my child, I'd rather just go it alone. AIBU?

Oh god that sounds like an awful experience first time round :( I know that men can struggle in situations like that but really!!

I agree I would base this decision on 2 things - first off has he been a good and attentive father to your child since then, and secondly, have you communicated with each other about your feelings about his behaviour during your first labour?

Does he know how you feel about it and more importantly has he acknowledged that it was really shit of him??

I could just about give birth without my DP, I am due shortly with DC 3 and with 2 other small DC and little family support we have spoken about keeping the option open of me at least going to hospital on my own in certain scenarios.

So I don't think it's the end of the world at all to rely on the midwives for support instead of having a birthing partner, but obviously in an ideal scenario it sounds like maybe it would be nice for your as a bit of a healing experience if he could be there for you and make it up to you this time!

Only you know if its likely he will actually be able to do that though.

Is he a good dad?

I would happily have gone it alone for #2 but that's because I had a straight forward time with #1. I think if you have any sort of complication it would be very scary to be alone, no matter how kind the medical staff were.

If you don't want dp that's fine, but I think you should think about having someone. Even just someone in the background or waiting outside just in case.

I had my second on my own. It was brilliant.

You need to feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible and if that means being alone, then be alone.

Do whats best for you op, giving birth is not a democracy and what the mother favours is the best for both the mothers wellbeing and the baby'.

Surely a teenager (so I'm guessing 13 at the very youngest?) is okay to be left on his own at home for a few hours?? Or make his way back to his mum's on public transport if worse came to worse? misses point of thread

Are you really sure you want to go it alone, @IceColdCocaCola, or are you punishing him for how he behaved at the previous birth because it still hurts?

You've said he was apologetic. If it really was a blip in an otherwise good relationship, I'd probably sit him down and drill into him the things he did that weren't supportive last time, and what you need from his this time. If I was confident he really understood how he messed up, he was clear on what you need this time round, and I needed him there, then I'd have him there.

If, however, it's genuinely better for you to be by yourself, then I reckon that's totally fine and understandable.

Congratulations and good luck!

I laboured almost entirely on my own with just the midwives. I loved it. I felt cared for and supported. I didn't need to worry about a man moaning and making it about him being tired etc. DP turned up just in time for me to give birth and was gone again 5 hours later. My mum came and when she went I was again happy just me and my little bubba.

You’ve decided to have another child with this man. Surely you have had a conversation about what happened and how it made you feel?

I think you need to make sure it’s different and works for you this time but I suspect that banning him is not the way.

No man has any ‘right’ to be there for the birth of their child. It’s a process that the mother goes through and anybody who is present is there only for her, to make her experience better or more comfortable. They should not be there for their own entertainment or because they ‘want to see its, they are there to support the woman.

OP it’s your birth so do whatever is going to make you happiest and most comfortable through the process.

Oh and just in case it's not clear from my post I am really supportive of men being a part of the birthing process. But I firmly believe the only opinion that actually matters when it comes to childbirth is the mother, I.e. the person actually going through labour!!

DH stayed at home looking after DC1 when I had DC2. He was as much use as a chocolate tea pot first time round, DC1 was also a difficult birth and he found it traumatic. I was delighted to leave him at home.

I did have an independent midwife come with me and after a terrible time of it first time round, the second time was an oasis of calm. DD was 7hrs rather than 36hrs, no tears (vs ripping up to my cervix), gas & air only (vs epidural) and no forceps. We won’t have any more but if we did, hell would freeze over before he came in the delivery room again!

Do what you think will make you feel most comfortable OP.

Your husband sounds like a twat, but it also sounds like you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

At the least, I’d look into hiring a doula.

No one has the right to be at the birth, at all.

I've had three children and only had midwives. I preferred this as I could concentrate on my labour without having to think about who was in the room with me and what they were doing/or not doing.

Definitely do it without him, you need someone to give you their full support when you’re labouring, it doesn’t matter what he wants, he ruined that chance for himself. As for rights, he has a right to see his child, he has no right to be there for the birth, that is a luxury.

Please do have a birth partner though, I think you’ll feel lonely without one, midwives are great but sometimes they just don’t have the right personality and it’s a lot easier to be ratty with someone you know if you get like that in labour. This could be another family member, a friend of even a doula, and they can leave when the baby is born if you want it to just be you two.

@Popc0rn I don't think that's missing the point in the post at all, that was a large part of my frustration was that he seemed to be making a bigger deal of his DS being left alone than he was the birth of the baby!

I wanted my DH with me, he was supportive, so second time round also wanted him there. In your situation I wouldn't, but maybe arrange for your mum to be with you.

Reassuring to read how many people have gave birth without a birthing partner and they were glad they did

If you genuinely don't want anyone there and are not just cutting off your nose to spite your face, then stick to your guns. He doesn't have a right to be there.

Not so long ago men were expected to pace up and down corridors and smoke cigars and it was unheard of to be at the birth.

I guess I may be speaking in a minority here, but first two births I chose to be on my own. Third was a bit of a surprise and therefore my DH was in the bathroom with me. You don’t have to or need a birthing partner. I was much better being on my own and not having to think about anyone else. Personally, I liked it and would never have wanted my DH there for my third but it wasn’t a choice as such, he was the only adult in the house!
If it is stressing you out then just choose to be by yourself.xx

I had all my eight DC on my own (with medics, obvs, but no-one else). A father has no right whatsoever to spectate at the birth. Fgs why would they?

Can anyone who gave birth alone fill me in on what happened next.. How long after giving birth did the baby's father meet the baby etc?

With my eight, it varied. Not that long on the whole - between fairly soon and a few hours depending on where he was. I don't think it's affected the lives of the DC tbh.

Do what you like. You'll be with professionals, you don't need a birth partner. They're a 'nice to have', if you want one and have the right one available.