Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want DP (or anyone) at birth?

98 replies

IceColdCocaCola · 16/01/2020 21:11

I don't want DP at the birth of our second child this year, he however does want to be there.

My reasoning for not wanting him there is that he "ruined" the birth of my first child. I use to the ruined somewhat lightly as the important bit is that my DC was delivered healthily and safely, but he definitely put a dampener on the specialness of it.

To elaborate the morning I went into labour he picked up his teenage son for the weekend, he knew my waters had broke as I told him on the phone but he collected him anyway, he didn't need to do this, his DS could of stayed at home with his mother. DP had no childcare arrangements for his DS. So eventually he returned home after dropping his DS off at a relatives for a bit, I was in full on labour by this point and alone. (My family live an hour away, we located to be closer to his). He was briefly home before he had to go see to his DS again. Eventually we got to the hospital my DP could not be any less supportive, it was clear his mind was elsewhere. Finally our DC was born, literally minutes later he was outside the hospital on phone to his DS (who was home alone by this point). He returned to the birthing room and automatically where I was now alone holding our newborn, and he started bitching about his EX, who had found out son was home alone and texting DP, as well as going on about his DS. Barely acknowledging his newborn child. Shortly after (20 minutes max) he rushed home to be with DS. It was evening by this point.
He promised to be at hospital first thing in the morning, appeared at the back of 10 for all of maybe 15 minutes, then disappearing again to spend the day with his teenage son. He returned in the evening to drop us home then went to work a few hours later.

As I said all my family and friends live an hour away so none of them came to visit at the hospital because all day I was waiting to be discharged at any point, so it wasn't worth them beginning the drive over and running the risk of me having been discharged before visiting time.

So in conclusion, the birth of my first DC was dampened with being left so lonely and what should have been such a special time for us as a couple, purely due to my DP's selfishness in a situation that could have been prevented. For that reason I don't want him at the birth of our second DC, I don't want to give anyone the power to put a negative on the birth of my child, I'd rather just go it alone. AIBU?

OP posts:

Charley50 · 16/01/2020 22:32

He can stay home and look after the baby can't he? I read some research recently (linked from Mumsnet) that women statistically have easier and less stressful births when their men are not there. It's a very recent thing, fathers being present at the birth.
He sounds like he behaved like a complete twat last time and I totally don't blame you for your feelings on this.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2020 22:34

I fail to understand why you had a second child with this dickhead

doremimimi · 16/01/2020 22:40

You're the one giving birth so you 100% get to decide who is there and who is not.

Dobbytheelf · 16/01/2020 22:43

Who will be looking after your elder child this time round? If a family member/ good friend could they swap and he look after kid(s if the teenager is with you again and can't be left alone) and the other person be with you?

borntobequiet · 16/01/2020 22:43

I decided not to have any sort of “birth partner” for either of my births. (1980s and don’t think the term even existed.) I would make the same decision now. Luckily my ex wasn’t keen to be there anyway. I sent him to the pub, perfectly acceptable in those days.
OP, your DP sounds like a massive waste of space.

SouthernComforts · 16/01/2020 22:47

And you're having another one with him? Mind boggling.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 16/01/2020 22:47

It's your labour, your choice. I can see exactly why you'd choose not to have your DH there. Even if he behaved immaculately this time, you'd probably be tense, waiting for him to do something thoughtless or selfish.

Did he genuinely engage with how his behaviour made you feel last time? I'm just wondering if he was worried about his DS feeling left out or pushed aside by the new baby? A young teenager might not be super enthused at the prospect of a baby in the house, and maybe he was (clumsily and with terrible timing) trying to demonstrate to his DS that he was still important?

justasking111 · 16/01/2020 22:47

My DP saved our sons life he was the only one in the room when the machine showed babies heart rate dropping he ran to find someone then it was bells and whistles and a room full of people. I was so out of it with the pain. So I would want someone there to watch over us. This was my second labour my first no problems.

HoppingPavlova · 16/01/2020 22:50

What’s the plan for childcare for your other child otherwise?

To be honest the whole thing seems to be about punishing him for what occurred first time around. Fair enough but a much better approach would have been discussing it, resolving it and drawn a line under it at the time, not dragging it on a few years later. If he couldn’t cope with care arrangements for his other son previously, how will he cope with care arrangements for your toddler while you have this baby?

I think it’s very odd you are having another baby with what appears to be a man-child but each to their own.

AlexaAmbidextra · 16/01/2020 22:56

It is also the birth of his child that I feel he should have every right to be at if he wants to.

Not if the person doing the actual birthing doesn’t want him there.

Creepster · 16/01/2020 23:01

Your body, your procedure. No one has a right to be there.

Durgasarrow · 16/01/2020 23:05

I completely disagree that he has a right to be there at the birth just because he grunted out some sperm nine months ago. To hell with that.

HarryElephante · 16/01/2020 23:07

Let the past go.

BettyAll1 · 16/01/2020 23:14

Ask him to go away and think about how he’s going to ensure you have a much better experience this time. If you’re not happy with the answer he comes back with, choose someone else, don’t go it alone.

LagunaBubbles · 16/01/2020 23:17

Why on earth are you having another child with this man? Completely idiotic. There is a thread running about women getting pregnant to arses. Mindboggling. Whether he is at the birth or not is the least of your problems!!

ArtichokeAardvark · 16/01/2020 23:17

This. It doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you and he may have got his priorities totally wrong at the time, but I'd bet he felt torn between his teenager and his new child.

Leflic · 16/01/2020 23:22

He doesn’t get to be there us you don’t want him there. You’re the one growing and pushing out the baby and taking all the risks. You absolutely get to have the birth you want with as least stress as possible.
I took a good mate. She is a shepherdess and had been pulling lambs out all that week. She was a perfect choice, not partner or mum or whoever.

midnightmisssuki · 16/01/2020 23:23

You are having a second child with a man who thinks so lowly of you that he all but ruined your 1st birthing experience?! Good luck.

To answer q - my husband met and helped deliver both babies so he was there to meet baby immediately.

Original poster

IceColdCocaCola · 16/01/2020 23:25

I see the point about making sure teenage son doesn't feel left out.. But I don't really accept it. It was literally one day that wasn't to be all about his teenage son, he could of spent all the weekends after that making sure he didn't feel left out.

Another note is that I'm not cutting my nose of to spite my face. I didn't really want DP at birth of first child anyway, no reason at that point just felt it was something I'd rather do alone. But he wanted to be there so I allowed it and that's how he thanked me!

OP posts:

BrendasUmbrella · 16/01/2020 23:28

I think at the very least you should properly discuss what went wrong last time, and find out why he wants to be there this time when he was seemingly uninterested the time before.

If you'd really rather be alone, perhaps stress that he needs to look after your older child, unless you already have a plan for that.

Brainfogmcfogface · 16/01/2020 23:29

I gave birth on my own last year. Best experience ever! Honestly I can’t recommend it enough! I’m still harping on about it to anyone that will listen, the birth itself was a bloody nightmare ending in a ECS but the experience as far as being on my own, just lovely! I’m smiling from ear tot ear now remembering how wonderful everyone was to me (make sure you have cash on you!)

Reginabambina · 16/01/2020 23:29

@TheHonestTruth100 bloody hell. It’s a medical event not a birthday party. The comfort of the mother is paramount in these decisions because ultimately her stress could lead to complications.

OP. I would strongly suggest asking someone you trust to be there with you.

MsPepperPotts · 16/01/2020 23:30

Can anyone who gave birth alone fill me in on what happened next.. How long after giving birth did the baby's father meet the baby etc?

My exh (father of both my now adult DCs)

First time dropped off at the hospital doors at 1pm baby born at 5.55pm
exh turned up at 7.30pm for 10minutes then went out to the pub!
In those days you stayed in hospital 5days.

Second and final time was dropped of at reception(friday night) at 8.20pm baby born at 8.55pm. Exh turned up the following day at 7pm nearly 24hours later for less than 10minutes then went off to meet his 17year old GF(obviously I did not know that at the time).

I left him 6months later and never went back.

Equanimitas · 16/01/2020 23:35

I'm not sure it was really selfishness, was it? Selfishness would have been something like buggering off to the pub or follow a hobby. This seems to have been down to feeling under pressure to look after his son.

Notthebloodygym · 16/01/2020 23:38

The whole point of being at the birth is to support the mother. Not to spectate. This is a fact.

Given this, make plans to give birth alone. His wishes are not the point and you do not have to change your mind because he prefers you to.

Flip

1 2 3 4