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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cheating?

86 replies

Willarosie · 16/01/2020 20:14

Hi, can any one advise? My fiancé has been distant lately. Didn’t want sex for a couple of mornings and wasn’t affectionate on an evening for five nights. Today he said he had to work late. I suggested going in later. He declined and said he wouldn’t be home in time. In fact, adamant he wouldn’t be back in time so took his snooker cue with him in readiness as he plays snooker each Thursday night. He said he wouldn’t leave work until about 6pm ish due to meetings. I believed that. However, something niggled me with his distant behaviour. So I called his work at 5pm. The receptionist, who he manages, said he left at 3pm for the day and he would see her tomorrow. He hadn’t been in touch since 2.55pm and said nothing of popping out and hadn’t text or emailed me since 2.55pm. He knew I had a doctors appt at 4pm but he didn’t enquire so presumed he was in a meeting. Then at 5pm I made the call. I then text him and said Did you finish work at 3pm? He said he had to pop out why? I said no problem, just that I didn’t know and he has told me off before for finishing work early/starting later without saying anything to pick up an Asda food shop so we have agreed to let each other know. He then called me. He said he had to pick something up. Shouted at me down the phone that I didn’t trust him. He was very annoyed with me. Went into detail as to what he had to do and that he was now on the way to the office but that he would cancel his meetings to come home and have a chat with me. I said no have your meeting. I didn’t mention about the call. He called me back over an hour later and said what was all that about? I asked him where he was and he said he had been at work and dropped off the stuff and was driving back (his commute is 40mins). I still didn’t tell him I called his work. I was so angry and said after 2 years you have never been paranoid... why now? I said someone had called my office to say my fella wasn’t where he should be this afternoon. That’s why I felt like I did. Should I tell him I called his work and tell him what they said? Do you think he is cheating? He used to message his ex for six months behind my back and even changed her name in his phone... when caught out on this, he said he didn’t know how it had happened!?! Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
xmaself24 · 16/01/2020 20:38

It doesn't sound good op.

CakeandCustard28 · 16/01/2020 20:58

OP I don’t think you need our opinions on this one. Flowers

ILearnedItFromABook · 16/01/2020 21:13

Even apart from everything else, he's acting very guilty and defensive after hardly any provocation. The way he jumped to "you don't trust me" so quickly and shouted at you... That's not good. Not the behaviour of an honest, innocent man, unless you'd been persistently pestering and hounding him without good cause (which doesn't seem to be the case).

Honestly, the fact that he changed his ex's name in his phone is pretty bad, on its own. He clearly lied to you about not knowing how that name-change happened.

Retroflex · 16/01/2020 21:22

I would tell him that after someone told you he wasn't where he was supposed to be, you called to speak to him about it, like why are they lying? And then confirm that his receptionist told you he left for the day at 3 o'clock! You have no reason to lie!

Willarosie · 16/01/2020 21:56

Thank you everyone. Just spoken to my best mate and she said it doesn’t look good. I have never called his work before but was worried and couldn’t shift that doubt. How does it take 2.5 hours to go to a catering place. He seemed to have excuse after excuse and kept asking do you even trust me? Maybe it was my emotional state at this point or couldn’t see straight that it felt this way. The facts are. He left work at 3pm. I never knew. Work said he had gone home for the day “that was him done for the day” and would see him tomorrow. Yet he claims he went to this catering place. I know he will say the receptionist, his team, misheard him, but I don’t know what else to think. I want to believe him, but just feel he is lying. I don’t want to feel this way. I keep thinking maybe he just met up with a female friend but didn’t tell me as he didn’t want to upset me. Or something else? He has two kids that are his and I have two kids that are mine. We own a house together. I am so scared. These are our messages before he called me at 5.30pm on his way back from the catering place that he set off to at 3pm....

Cheating?
OP posts:
Retroflex · 16/01/2020 23:32

He's avoiding answering you, therefore avoiding telling you the truth...

FlaskMaster · 16/01/2020 23:37

Well he's quite obviously a cheat and a liar. It won't get any better.

Strawberryorangess · 16/01/2020 23:39

He’s cheating most likely. Sorry x

Newmumma83 · 16/01/2020 23:49

Next time he says why can’t you trust me, I would say because you can’t give a straight answer ... why are you being mysterious ?

Your behaviour has changed in general and you are being evasive all are red flags ... I am simply trying to communicate with you and find out what’s happening, you set the standard of letting each other know if we change plans , you are the one that has become distant , you are the one who can’t pick up a phone or apparently answer a question so let’s get back to you ... What is going on with you? ( Notice lots of you’s turn it back on him he is distracting you or
Trying to , to Twist the pending argument to being your fault because you don’t trust him ... it’s to take off the heat from your suspicions)

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 17/01/2020 00:14

OP

Partners who are not fucking around do not give out signals/clues/evidence that they are in fact fucking around

You know what is happening here, he's got form for it

wobytide · 17/01/2020 00:32

You both sound nightmares so probably best you both go your separate ways

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 17/01/2020 00:53

If a woman posted 'i had to pop out to a supplier for a couple of hours at work, my boyfriend called and text me demanding to know where I was and why I hadn't told him the ins and outs of my working day and then i got back to find out he'd also called my office to check up on me, ask because I'm going out with friends to do my hobby straight from work', there would be a chorus of ltb.
I'm not saying he's not cheating, he's got form, and that's the real issue. You don't trust him because he's done it before and whether you are usually like this in a relationship or not, you aren't behaving rationally. There's no trust, it's not healthy, move on.

Willarosie · 17/01/2020 07:13

It turns out he was lying after telling me the catering lie three times with extended detail. He got more and more annoyed and cross because I didn’t trust him. He ended up saying he was doing. A surprise for me for our wedding by looking at wedding cars. I said right. I said why not say that in the first place when I suggest that he may have been planning surprise for valentines etc he say it doesn’t matter that I had now ruined the surprise anyway. He won’t do any surprises any more. I have checked though where he said we was looking at wedding cars and there is only one place in that area. I asked where and he said he didn’t know the names of the places. I said why would it take until 6.30pm and he said he didn’t know how long it would that he looked at three wedding cars for hire in the area.... there is one and it looks dodgy pic of a house with no website. I didn’t look at all the websites last night. It al just came down to me with trust issues. I said when you make up one story and then another, it’s worrying. Again my problem. He was about to leave last night and said he was happy until this. Not really sure what’s going on now. He is not happy. I don’t believe his story. I do believe he has met someone else and is fiery because he has been caught.

OP posts:
Aprilsinparis · 17/01/2020 07:19

Not easy to do, but for your own peace of mind LTB.

Willarosie · 17/01/2020 07:35

What does LTB mean? x

OP posts:
CaribouCarafe · 17/01/2020 07:43

LTB means "leave the bastard".

Sounds like the trust has been broken between you. Either he works on communicating with you better or it's the end of the relationship.

Dont get married before he sorts himself out/dont get married to this man at all - you'll spend a lifetime wondering what he is up to.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 17/01/2020 07:44

Ask to look at his phone/sat nav in his car. If he doesn't know the name of the car places he wouldn't be able to get to them without using the maps on his phone or in his car. They'll be in his history.

Fallsballs · 17/01/2020 07:47

Not boding well for a nice marriage OP.
Near in mind Divorce is time consuming and expensive.

Fallsballs · 17/01/2020 07:48

Near in mind ffs - bear

TheReef · 17/01/2020 07:52

If he was looking at wedding cars he'd have a brochure or something. Sounds like bullshit to me

BlueSuffragette · 17/01/2020 07:55

Sorry OP but I think he's cheating. He sounds untrustworthy.

Willarosie · 17/01/2020 08:00

Thank you every one. He wouldn’t let me see his google maps on principle and got cagey about his phone saying it was me with the issue. Turned it all on me. If we broke up he would tell everyone I had trust issues. He had done nothing wrong. Thing is he used to be very flirty with me in messages when he was with his children’s mum and two of his other ex’s. I said I wasn’t interested after it became more than hey how are you type chat and he offered on one occasion to bring me my favourite chocolate bar when he was with one of his ex’s. He said he has grown up since then. Wasn’t happy with them. Well after last night, he certainly isn’t happy now and if he has cheated he won’t like the fact he has been caught out.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 17/01/2020 08:03

He's a proven cheat. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt but you're right to have trust issues. If he'll cheat with you he'll cheat on you.

He's a liar because if he was telling the truth he'd show you to prove it was your issues, not his. He's not refusing to show you out of principle, he's refusing to show you because there's nothing to see.

pemberlyshades · 17/01/2020 08:09

He sounds like an asshole. And I don't think he really went looking at wedding cars- he's trying to guilt trip you and gaslight you so that you drop it.
I'd call off the wedding and dump his ass.

Icanflyhigh · 17/01/2020 08:10

Yep, get rid. He's cheating alright.

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