Cheating?

[Willarosie]

Hi, can any one advise? My fiancé has been distant lately. Didn’t want sex for a couple of mornings and wasn’t affectionate on an evening for five nights. Today he said he had to work late. I suggested going in later. He declined and said he wouldn’t be home in time. In fact, adamant he wouldn’t be back in time so took his snooker cue with him in readiness as he plays snooker each Thursday night. He said he wouldn’t leave work until about 6pm ish due to meetings. I believed that. However, something niggled me with his distant behaviour. So I called his work at 5pm. The receptionist, who he manages, said he left at 3pm for the day and he would see her tomorrow. He hadn’t been in touch since 2.55pm and said nothing of popping out and hadn’t text or emailed me since 2.55pm. He knew I had a doctors appt at 4pm but he didn’t enquire so presumed he was in a meeting. Then at 5pm I made the call. I then text him and said Did you finish work at 3pm? He said he had to pop out why? I said no problem, just that I didn’t know and he has told me off before for finishing work early/starting later without saying anything to pick up an Asda food shop so we have agreed to let each other know. He then called me. He said he had to pick something up. Shouted at me down the phone that I didn’t trust him. He was very annoyed with me. Went into detail as to what he had to do and that he was now on the way to the office but that he would cancel his meetings to come home and have a chat with me. I said no have your meeting. I didn’t mention about the call. He called me back over an hour later and said what was all that about? I asked him where he was and he said he had been at work and dropped off the stuff and was driving back (his commute is 40mins). I still didn’t tell him I called his work. I was so angry and said after 2 years you have never been paranoid... why now? I said someone had called my office to say my fella wasn’t where he should be this afternoon. That’s why I felt like I did. Should I tell him I called his work and tell him what they said? Do you think he is cheating? He used to message his ex for six months behind my back and even changed her name in his phone... when caught out on this, he said he didn’t know how it had happened!?! Don’t know what to do.

Im not sure I understand. Why would you put a house in his name because he had poor credit?
And the debts for things in the house are in your name, but the house itself is in his name?

The only reason he was helping you more, was to try to get on your good side.

I don't believe he has to work away one night a week. I reckon he's planning on spending that time with another woman.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to give you a hard time on this, but if he is seeing someone else and you split, you need to protect yourself and your children financially. As PPs say, his parents may not be as supportive as you think in the event of a split, as he will blame you, say you are controlling/abusive, shift blame etc and his parents may believe him.

Yeah, that doesn't make sense. If he has bad credit, he wouldn't get a mortgage.

This sounds like a right mess! You’ve put yourself in an awful position financially and you really shouldn’t believe your partners parents will ‘look after’ your finances or even be fair tbh.

I think things will change considerably with PIL should you and partner split.

I would get legal advice because quite honestly I can see you ending up being screwed out of any and all money whilst being left with debt on furniture that you can’t even use.

It does sound like he’s cheating but he isn’t going to own up so you either need to bide your time and get evidence or know in your heart he is cheating and end the relationship.

I would worry more about having put yourself and your DC in a very precarious Financial situation. If the worse happens you could end up homeless, in debt and with children to care for.

His ex had the bad credit so he was associated with her. When I first met him his credit rating was 400. Now it is 800. I was happy to do this and then re-mortgage this year together as he has the bigger salary. But have all the loans and finance in my name now for things. I do trust him he will do the right thing by the kids and we have a promissory note in place for all monies.

You really need to get the house in joint names and urgently transfer the debts too, or you could be in serious financial trouble if you split. If he's genuine, he wont mind this. But as he's already lying about other things, you cant be surprised if he's lying about money too.

You know you need to leave, nobody can make that decision for you.

you have all loans and finance in your name, for both of you? and the house you both own/pay for is in his name only? if this is true, this was very irresponsible of you considering you have lived with and been engaged to someone before and it didnt work out, because you have young dc and also because you know this guy is not trustworthy. You've put yourself in a very precarious position and you should look to get this sorted straight away before you do split up and he leaves you with nothing

So the house is in his name.
And the debt is in your name.
Bloody hell.

Go get legal help asap! Like yesterday OP!

Yes, I trust people far too easily. My ex took everything. House was all in his name and he took my deposit. His parents would never speak to me as they saw me as the one to take him away from his wife, but he left her before getting me with. He hadn't loved her for years, but they never saw it that way. They never fought for me to have my share in the house. They wanted what was best for their son. Have have 90k in the house and his parents have 50k in the house and my fella has 40k in the house. The annoying thing is that my fella never goes out drinking on a night without me, he just goes to work and comes home and then this happens. I have always trusted him until this. Just a sofa in my name. WE have a joint bank account. He has never been engaged before. I do feel that he has met up with someone but it was innocent but now won't back down from that. Think he thought I might be upset if he told me the truth.... maybe raise all these questions with him when we are both calmer?

we have sex everyday including extra bjs and oral, I do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and work a job to suit school hours that pays pretty well so we don't pay childcare for my two. I don't think I can do any more to make a relationship work. I listen, I ran a bath for him the other day, I give him foot massages. Why am I treated so badly?

Because you're so eager to please and you don't stand up for yourself. You've been taken for a mug by an expolitative, cheating bastard.

And as things stand, it sounds as though legally you have no rights to the equity in the house but are responsible for all the debts.

I want to say LTB and soon, but think you should wait till the remortgage thing is done. I think you should see a solicitor about getting an agreement drawn up so that your deposit is protected AND you get half of the remainder of the equity (say you put down 10% deposit, then the first 10% of the equity should be yours, and the remaining 90% is split equally between you).

He told you off for leaving work early one day without telling him? Are you having a fucking laugh?

OP you both sound as batshit as the other to be honest. Neither of you are acting normal.

What was that about all the loans in your name?!

OP, you are with a complete liar. Don't drive yourself nuts looking at wedding cars - he was lying about that. He was obviously with someone else - he'd left work for the day, lied about where he was and has form for infidelity.

Do everything you can to make sure you don't come out of this with all the debts.

This isn't just your money OP, it is your children's security and a roof over their heads. If he asks you to leave tomorrow, what would you do? I cant believe you don't have your name on the deeds.

I don't understand, you said "But have all the loans and finance in my name now for things." but now say just the sofa? I hope there isn't loads more in your name, poor you.

You must start to plan how to get out of this relationship you're doing everything to "keep" him as if you need to persuade him to stay.

Rather than feeling secure and being able to be happy and be yourself.

Its exhausting isn't it? I've been there. It doesn't have to be like this.

I don't want to be alone. I know that if I won the lottery I wouldn't feel like this. I would have that security. I have a loan of 30k in my name to pay off my parents from them lending me money in my exes house so paid them off, we just bought a sofa on finance of 3k and just paid for a holiday for 4.5k on a credit card. I didn't get my name on the mortgage as I had all the debt from my ex, plus less income and new job. fella has bigger salary therefore more affordability.

So after the experience with your ex and that house, you went and did the same with this bloke?

You cannot trust him! He won't treat you fairly in a split!

This "promissory note", was it drawn up by a solicitor?

You MUST get legal advice now to see if you can do anything to protect your interest in the house. You were very silly not doing this when it was purchased. You can't "trust" him or his parents to go anything and definitely don't rely on this.

He hasn't wanted sex for 2 morning so you decide he is cheating and phone his work. Fuck me you seem like hard work.

You obviously don't trust him. If you look hard enough you will always find something to justify your snooping.

You live together why do you have to keep tabs on each others itinerary?

So you allowed your ex to have the house in his name and you lost everything, but you then allowed your next partner to do the same???? I love and trust my husband implicitly but I would NEVER put my money into a house and put it in just his name. You have to start thinking about your legal position and making sure you always protect that regardless of how much you trust or don't trust the other party. Trust is irrelevant in matters of money.

It was very foolish to put the house only in his name.

He's a liar. The story of him going to see wedding cars is not true.

He's as dodgy as they come. I wouldn't marry him. You know he has cheating tendencies.

I know you came on here to ask about the cheating issue, but I fear the financial problems may be a bigger issue, particularly as there seem to be trust issues.