Cheating?

[Willarosie]

Hi, can any one advise? My fiancé has been distant lately. Didn’t want sex for a couple of mornings and wasn’t affectionate on an evening for five nights. Today he said he had to work late. I suggested going in later. He declined and said he wouldn’t be home in time. In fact, adamant he wouldn’t be back in time so took his snooker cue with him in readiness as he plays snooker each Thursday night. He said he wouldn’t leave work until about 6pm ish due to meetings. I believed that. However, something niggled me with his distant behaviour. So I called his work at 5pm. The receptionist, who he manages, said he left at 3pm for the day and he would see her tomorrow. He hadn’t been in touch since 2.55pm and said nothing of popping out and hadn’t text or emailed me since 2.55pm. He knew I had a doctors appt at 4pm but he didn’t enquire so presumed he was in a meeting. Then at 5pm I made the call. I then text him and said Did you finish work at 3pm? He said he had to pop out why? I said no problem, just that I didn’t know and he has told me off before for finishing work early/starting later without saying anything to pick up an Asda food shop so we have agreed to let each other know. He then called me. He said he had to pick something up. Shouted at me down the phone that I didn’t trust him. He was very annoyed with me. Went into detail as to what he had to do and that he was now on the way to the office but that he would cancel his meetings to come home and have a chat with me. I said no have your meeting. I didn’t mention about the call. He called me back over an hour later and said what was all that about? I asked him where he was and he said he had been at work and dropped off the stuff and was driving back (his commute is 40mins). I still didn’t tell him I called his work. I was so angry and said after 2 years you have never been paranoid... why now? I said someone had called my office to say my fella wasn’t where he should be this afternoon. That’s why I felt like I did. Should I tell him I called his work and tell him what they said? Do you think he is cheating? He used to message his ex for six months behind my back and even changed her name in his phone... when caught out on this, he said he didn’t know how it had happened!?! Don’t know what to do.

Well, he has form, so I see why you are worried. The thing that is shouting out to me is that he made a thing of you telling him when you were leaving work early. Why is that something important to him? It just seems a strange thing to make a point of.

Ah the old "I was doing something nice for you and now you've ruined it" defence.

How original.

just that I didn’t know and he has told me off before for finishing work early/starting later without saying anything to pick up an Asda food shop so we have agreed to let each other know.

This is the clincher. What he requires of you is abnormal, controlling and highly unacceptable. He is projecting his cheating ways onto you, so is worried that you will find an opportunity to cheat on him. Classic cheater.

He's almost certainly cheating.

"My fiancée has trust issues," translates as, "Damn, she knows I'm cheating!"

If the story keeps changing, if he's angry and defensive, if he's turning it back on you, chances are he's cheating. You don't need to prove anything, do you, you just need to think about whether this is how you want to live and who you want to marry.

I would stop checking in with him so he never knows where you are or when you'll be back - see whether the rules are different for him - and just be observant.

If Thursday night is snooker night, pick a moment he's out, remove the cue end from the carry case, hide it on top of the wardrobe and wait and see what happens. See if he notices. After he's back next Thursday night, ask how the game went!

Oh, and ask him how the three wedding car placed compared for costs and which car was the nicest. What make was it? What colour? Did is smell nice inside? Do they supply the ribbons? You'll soon know...

The thing that is shouting out to me is that he made a thing of you telling him when you were leaving work early. Why is that something important to him? It just seems a strange thing to make a point of.

So he can make sure he's where he should be and that the other woman's taken her knickers with her when she's left, before the OP gets home, judging by his actions.

It’s so hard with having two kids that are t his and the house is all in his name. I felt like he has gaslighted me too. I have never shown trust issues before apart from asking him to show me an odd message that has popped up and he happily did. He has always shown me his phone by last night he said enough is enough and wouldn’t. I think it is because I caught him out. He definitely started back tracking when i told him I had called his work and they said he had left for the day. Why would he also go and see wedding cars on our only date night of the week? My parents have the kids every Thursday. I go to a group at 7.30 but it’s our evening from 5pm until 7pm to chill and have some us time and he chose that night to go see wedding cars. The wedding isn’t until next March so why do it now. Feel he said it is a surprise to make me feel guilty.

He used to message his ex for six months behind my back and even changed her name in his phone
And now this!???
And you are going to marry this lying cheat and inflict him on your DC!?
He wouldn't show you his maps or his phone or messages.
Anyone who loved the person and wanted to put their mind at rest wouldn't bat an eyelid if they had nothing to hide!
You know what's going on here.
You've sussed it out already.
I suggest you get your exit plan in place and cancel all the wedding arrangements.
Marrying him and then having to divorce etc... is going to be much worse than calling off the wedding now!
You know what to do OP.
Respect yourself and your DC children enough to walk away now!

Yep. What hellsbells said.
You've had a lucky escape - you just don't know it yet.
He's shown you who he is and he won't change. He's doing the typical cheater moves of deny - minimise - gaslight.
Save yourself a fuckton of heartbreak further down the line by getting rid of him now.

He's shagging other people. He's lying to you and gaslighting you on top of it to get away with it which is even more disgusting. If you stay with him you're in for an awful time of being betrayed and manipulated. Leave.

Explanation as to what he is doing at the moment!

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."

You say you own the house together, but it is in his name?

Of course he wasn't looking at wedding cars!

"He used to message his ex for six months behind my back and even changed her name in his phone." ..... there you have it. Nothing more needs to be said. Dump him immediately 👋🏻👋🏻

It's as plain as the nose on your face what's happening.

You were silly to carry on with him after you found out about him texting his ex. Changing her name is a classic way that cheaters hide their phone number, can't believe you fell for it. And then to move in with him, without getting the security of your name on the deeds!

Now you need to get your ducks in a row and look for somewhere else to live. FFS don't stay with this man.

Hes dishonest and you dont trust him. Move on .

The house is in his name, but I am on very good terms with his parents so sure they will do the right thing and give me back my deposit at least. My parents are so sad. They don't understand this. I have checked our wedding cars in Pudsey/Farsley and there aren't any places to go and view there. More lies.... maybe I have missed something? I guess I am hoping this isn't it. I left an emotionally abusive relationship where I bought a house with a guy who was so nice until we bought our house and moved in together and got engaged and then he kept accusing me of things, asking to see my phone, my receipts for times of being at shops. He also grabbed my son a few times and locked him in a garage. I left him and ran away to my parents. My fella knows this. Why is is treating me this way? I don't want to upheave the kids again. I just don't think I can trust him any more....not after this... I feel so sad. I just pick the wrong guys every time. I think I am good person. I have never cheated in my life and yet guys always cheat on me...we have sex everyday including extra bjs and oral, I do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing and work a job to suit school hours that pays pretty well so we don't pay childcare for my two. I don't think I can do any more to make a relationship work. I listen, I ran a bath for him the other day, I give him foot massages. Why am I treated so badly?

A lot of men are just entitled assholes OP.
There is no rhyme or reason to any of it.
It's the same for me. Always faithful and loyal etc.... but cheated on by ExH and ExP.
I've sworn off of men now.

This is nothing to do with YOU.
It's all on HIM.
He's a faithless, lying, cheating scumbag.
There are plenty of them out there.
There are also many others who don't treat the people they claim to love like this.
You know what to do.
So sorry this is happening OP.

He sounds like a lying nob.

The relationship as a whole sounds pretty suffocating OP, it's becoming toxic now and that's almost impossible (IMO) to come back from.

He has shown a number of times that he isn't a faithful and loyal partner, both to his exes by his behaviour with you behind their backs and by his behaviour with others behind your back.

You know what's going on and you know what kind of person he is.

Even if he isn't cheating this time (it really sounds like he is though) he has lied to you, been disloyal, been happy to be controlling to you while saying you are controlling to him... this is not a healthy relationship is it?

Look up sunk cost fallacy - and then promise yourself not to act based on that.

Did he explain at the time why the house was in his name and not yours? I'd be tempted to ask him to change that. If he isnt cheating, he wont mind. As it is, he could ask you to leave tomorrow and you'd have to fight to get your deposit and any equity back.

Why am I treated so badly?

Because there is no 'you' in the relationship. You do everything (and more)for him. What do you do for you?

You are housekeeper, nanny, cook, bottlewasher and concubine.

Does he ever think of you? Do anything for you? (and please don't say - earns all the money)

The house is all in his name, as he had bad credit rating and I had only just secured a job, so not good timing. We do need to remortgage but now I have all the finance stuff in my name e.g. interest free on the sofa etc. I trust that he will pay back what is mine in the house. I am on excellent terms with his parents too, they wouldn't see me out of pocket. I trust him on that, just not this. I am hoping that as I have caught him doing something, he won't do it again....or will he just be more careful/cautious and I being naive?

I looked up sunk cost fallacy...never heard of that before but so true especially when kids are involved. Their dad is rubbish, but my fella can be so good with them, they see him as their dad.

He does the DIY and bins. He does on occasion give me a foot massage or help me fold the washing/put away. He did the ironing last weekend and was really helpful with cleaning asking all the time if he can help me out the past week...so much more than normal. He changed when I cried as I said I would miss him when he works away...new role so working away one day a week longer days. He got all annoyed with me and didn't comfort me with a hug. He went onto say he spent all his free time last year doing DIy. He wants to spend time on his own with his own kids 16 and 14 and also see his mates. I said you see them at football and snooker each week (I even join him at snooker each week)...he said but it's not the same as quality time. He said that I was lucky that I spent my free time with my kids, see my friends but I had to say that I see my friends not on my own but with the kids on a playdate...again very different. He was meant to go to Edinburgh yesterday but it got cancelled and then became working a long day instead. Makes me wonder.....argh...

If the deposit came from you, you could have had it ring fenced, in case you split, then you would legally be able to get it back. If it's not, you've got a fight on your hands. Don't expect his parents to be nice about it, he's their son, and even abusive mens parents tend to side with their sons. You'very been very foolish I'm sorry to say.
Go to the Land Registry website, and look into "registering your interest" in the house.

Do you want to have sex every day, and give the extra bjs/hand jobs? The more you say about him, the more I think you're in another abusive relationship.

I think you need to do the Freedom Programme, and talk to Women's Aid.

You are going to have to uproot your children again.